Monthly Archives: March 2015

Luke

I have already written about how much I love my in-laws (http://www.makinglemonadebecauseican.com/in-laws/), but this week I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I need to revisit this topic. I have undoubtedly loved them from the day I met them, but my love for them has grown exponentially through the years. 

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Best brother ever.

My brother-in-law and I have always shared an incredibly special relationship. When I first met him, he was just a teenager, and I have been lucky enough to watch him grow into a sensitive and sweet, but also a tenacious and centered guy. To me, he is my actual brother, even though the bloodline says otherwise. I have shared in his triumphs as well as his challenges in the same way that all siblings support each other. He has always been there for me too, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I know for sure that he feels the same way. I have never questioned the strength of our sibling-hood, or our friendship for that matter. 

My husband and I love spending time with him and his (now) wife. All four of us bonded quickly, and see each other as often as we can. When he got married in June of 2014, I could not have been happier for him. My emotions on the day of his wedding were no different than on the day I watched my own sister get married. It was a special day, blending two very small families, and my husband wrote and officiated the ceremony. Many tears (of joy) were shed, and I was given a little sister of my very own.  

Me with my "little sister" and her mom, on the day of the wedding.

Me with my “little sister” and her mom, on the day of the wedding.

Soon after their honeymoon, my brother and sister-in-law announced that they were expecting a baby. I was over the moon with excitement. Often people misjudge how I feel about children because I have none of my own. I’ll spare you the details, but you can read more on my blog on this topic (http://www.makinglemonadebecauseican.com/?s=to+reproduce). Suffice it to say, that I love children, even though it was not a part of my plans. The best part about this baby is the growing of the Rankin family. I don’t have nieces or nephews that include me as a regular part of their lives, so this is the real deal. This isn’t the same as the many “nieces” and “nephews” I have, who are my friends’ children. I adore them all, but this is different. 

This was taken the day they told us that a baby was on the way!

This was taken the day they told us that a baby was on the way!

I have loved this baby since the first day I found out about him.  I started shopping for him immediately afterwards, and envisioning how he would change our lives. It would be impossible for him not to. He is the first of his generation in the Rankin family. 

It’s amazing how quickly our lives can change. One minute, we are going about our  business, wrapped up in the routine of every day life, and the next minute, life as we know it is transformed and priorities shift. We got the call that the baby was coming early, and off we went. My brother and sister-in-law went to the hospital as a newlywed couple, and within hours, they were a family of three. All of a sudden, they are parents: a mommy and a daddy. I have always been fascinated by that!   

This is where we sat waiting for news of Luke's arrival.

This is where we sat waiting for news of Luke’s arrival.

Just when I thought I couldn’t love my in-laws any more, I sat in the family waiting room, feeling the anticipation grow, and I swear my heart swelled with even more love than I thought possible. I sat on the edge of my seat, all of us jumping up at the sound of any footsteps coming with news. First came the baby, surrounded by nurses. We asked if it was “ours” and at that moment we learned that the newest Rankin is a boy. I swore the whole time that it was a girl, but apparently women who marry Rankin men only make boys! But most important of all is that he is here and he is already loved by so many. 

When my brother-in-law finally came out to talk to us, I saw him in a whole different light. When I watched him talk about his wife and his son, he beamed with pride. Then I watched my mother-in-law watching him, also beaming with pride. At that moment, the family connection felt so incredibly genuine. Between all of us.  

Lucas Scott Rankin came into this world on March 23. 2015, on my mother-in-law’s 70th birthday. What a gift she got! Her first grandchild. But he’s my nephew! I can’t wait to get to know this little man, and to be actively involved in his life. I can’t wait to spoil him rotten and be the “cool” aunt. I can’t wait to hug him and kiss him, and to witness his milestones. I vow to love him unconditionally and forever, because we are family. Luke, weighing in at a whopping 4 lbs., 2 oz., has already made an impact on me. He has made me love my family even more than I already did before he got here. Thank you, sweet Luke. 

My bro holding his son's hand. It doesn't get more beautiful.

My bro holding his son’s hand. It doesn’t get more beautiful.

Shoes

I have always loved shoes. What girl doesn’t? They are the best way to complete any outfit, and the best part is that they fit regardless of my waist size. 

In my old life, I was the queen of the “chunky” heel. I know it doesn’t sound overly fashionable at the moment, but prior to my diagnosis of MS in 2003, I was pretty hip. I had tons and tons of shoes. Black ones. Brown ones. Beige ones. Slip on. Lace up. Wedges. Sandals.  Big, chunky, high heels. I couldn’t get enough! I spent a small fortune on high-end brands, because I firmly believe that with shoes (and jeans!), you definitely get what you pay for.  

Shoes like these were my first choice for work.

Shoes like these were my first choice for work.

As much as I LOVED every single pair, I found myself suddenly unable to wear them, although I certainly tried. Unfortunately, high heels do not mix well with numb feet. Finding the ground without knowing where your feet are is just asking for a broken ankle, even without throwing high heels into the equation. I distinctly remember the last day I wore my favorite brown shoes. I was leaving my house for work, before 6 am as usual. I must have misjudged where my foot was, and took a nasty fall on the sidewalk. Of course, I stood myself up, and I looked around to make sure no one saw me. Even though my reaction was pretty silly, it’s a reflex, because it’s embarrassing when you trip because of something that others can’t see. I didn’t even care that the palms of my hands were scraped raw from the fall, as long as no one saw me fall. Did I mention it was 6 am? The fall didn’t even phase me until I looked down and saw that my favorite brown shoes had suffered the same fate as the palms of my hands. They were damaged beyond repair, and I was devastated. 

My shoes became relics of my past life. My closet became a museum of beautiful shoes to be looked at but never worn. There they sat, all lined up neatly, at the bottom of my closet. I ached to wear them again, and I swore that I would. One year and one month after my diagnosis, I finally gathered the strength to get rid of this huge (yet admittedly ridiculous sounding) tie to my life before MS. I put on my big girl panties, and packed up those amazing shoes into two giant trash bags. I ceremoniously threw them into a donation bin, envisioning someone “less fortunate” walking around with some pretty kick ass shoes. 

I was always partial to Steve Madden.

I was always partial to Steve Madden.

I still suffer from “shoe envy” and stare longingly at the lucky ladies who wear any shoe they want, without giving it a second thought. On a day to day basis, it’s not so bad, and I have really embraced the wonder of flat shoes. The most difficult times are when I have an event, such as a wedding, and I’m all dressed up without any fun, fancy shoes. It’s definitely a challenge finding MS-friendly shoes that are appropriate for dressier attire. 

The point is that MS has changed practically every aspect of my life. I never would have thought that I’d feel the mighty fist of MS come down on something as trivial as my footwear. But it’s just a snapshot of the much bigger picture. It’s about choices being taken away without my permission, and learning how to make the best of what I’m left with. Luckily, there are still fantastic options out there for me and my shoe dilemma…it’s a metaphor for my entire life. 

Rocket Dogs: one of my favorite post MS brands. I have these in 3 different colors!

Rocket Dogs: one of my favorite post MS brands. I have these in 3 different colors!

I keep that in mind every single day, and I am convinced that this thought process has made me a much happier person. I do not dwell on the things that MS has taken away, and instead I am grateful for what I have been given: the precious gift of truly appreciating the simple things in life. After all, it’s not about having the most. It’s about making the most of what you have. 

Weight

A few days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about possible blog topics. I have many topics lined up for future posts, but none of them really jumped out of me this week. In our conversation, my friend brought up the topic of my weight loss journey. She recently lost a substantial amount of weight, and is admittedly “slightly” obsessed with the number on the scale. She then told me that this particular topic might be too “hot” and that I should write about something “easier”. In this new life of mine, I have made (and kept) a promise to myself to not shy away from anything simply because it seems difficult, because those are the experiences from which I grow the most. 

In my blog entry “Body Image” (http://www.makinglemonadebecauseican.com/body-image/), I wrote about my lifelong struggle with my weight, and the never-ending cycle of gaining weight from steroid treatments for MS, then losing (some of) the weight just in time for the next relapse and course of treatment. This is my reality. Every single medication that I take to help manage my many symptoms of MS has a possible side effect of weight gain. For years, I refused certain medications as a result, but MS progresses and vanity is not always an option. That is just one piece that contributes to my frustration.

Exercising with MS can be very tricky because I am always walking the very fine line between doing enough and doing too much. Overexertion has extreme consequences with effects lasting for days. There is always the risk of overheating when exercising, which leads to Uhthoff’s Phenomenon, also commonly referred to as heat-induced optic neuritis. Still not clear? In plain and simple terms, when my body overheats, I lose my vision (plus all of my usual symptoms of MS become magnified). In simple terms, when my body temperature is elevated, signals sent from the brain to the optic nerve are blocked or slowed down, thus affecting my vision. Imagine the horror of a fever! 

They said MS patients could not do TRX suspension training. Diane believed in us and we have proven "them" wrong.

They said MS patients could not do TRX suspension training. Diane believed in us and we have proven “them” wrong.

Spin class. We work our arms with weights while we cycle. "They" said MS patients couldn't do it. "They" were wrong.

Spin class. We work our arms with weights while we cycle. “They” said MS patients couldn’t do it. “They” were wrong.

Despite the necessity for careful calculation of exercise to-rest-ratio, I exercise at least 4 times a week. I’m not talking about and B.S. exercise, either. Twice a week I take classes with a trainer who is highly trained at working with MS patients. You can read about her on my blog entry “strength and balance” (http://www.makinglemonadebecauseican.com/strength-balance/). The classes include SPIN, TRX, and Strength & Balance, a super intense, full-body, core-focused class. At least 2 other days, I’m exercising at home. I don’t necessarily love to exercise but I do love knowing that I do my best to stay strong. My point is that I do not live a sedentary lifestyle. Despite having MS, I’m a pretty fit and active person.

The natural tummy tuck! It's even harder on the TRX!

The natural tummy tuck! It’s even harder on the TRX!

Side planks are not easy for anyone!

Side planks are not easy for anyone!

My diet is strict, but I don’t even mind. I don’t really eat anything aside from protein and vegetables. I make a ginormous salad every week, and I tend to eat it for every meal. It’s more about simplicity than anything else for me. One of the most common symptoms of MS is an overwhelming fatigue that makes even the smallest tasks daunting. You can read about it in my blog entry “Fatigue” (http://www.makinglemonadebecauseican.com/fatigue/). I prepare ahead of time because I know that if it’s too hard for me I won’t eat, and that wreaks havoc on the metabolism. I have been following (pretty much to the letter) a diet plan that was made specifically for me, and I honestly don’t cheat. Ask my MS family! There is always a reason for us to have a “little” celebration that includes more deliciousness than you can even imagine. When the food gets passed, I always say as long as I don’t start tasting things, I don’t miss it, so I decline.

Food prep day!

Food prep day!

I lost 20 pounds over the last several months, but the numbers on the scale were really getting to me, especially considering that I am about 2 pants sizes smaller. I decided I needed a break from the scale because it was not helping my ego at all. I waited for 8 weeks before I stepped on that god awful machine again. For the first time in my life, I was actually looking forward to seeing obvious progress. I was seeing changes in myself and I wanted to see them quantified on the scale. I can’t even describe the depth of my frustration and disappointment when I saw that I had gained a pound or 2. What the heck? How is that even possible? I tearfully reached out to my trainer. She reassured me that I am working out hard and I am rebuilding muscle that MS stole from me during my last exacerbation. I know she is right, but it still isn’t fair!  

My meal of choice: a great big salad, and citrus infused water.

My meal of choice: a great big salad, and citrus infused water.

Yes. My friend told me how hard she worked to lose the weight, and I am by no means trying to diminish her success. It IS hard work to lose weight. I am ALWAYS working hard, and against obstacles that most people can’t even begin to understand. It’s hard not to compare myself to those around me, even though I know that there is no reason to do so. We all have our struggles in life, and unfortunately this always has been, and always will be a battle for me. I am trying to stay focused on the real reason for working so hard: to be healthy and strong. I tend to dwell on my failures rather than celebrate my successes, a life-long behavior that I vow to change, starting right now.

I have come a long way in the last year or so. I am much stronger, happier, and healthier than ever. I have made great strides, both inside and out, and I’m proud of myself. It’s not an easy road, but I know I’m headed in the right direction.  

I am lucky to have this guy, my biggest cheerleader, who loves me regardless of my size.

I am lucky to have this guy, my biggest cheerleader, who loves me regardless of my size.

“In-laws”

I never quite understood the image of “the mother-in-law” portrayed so frequently as a beast, or the in-laws (in general) from hell. When I first met the Rankins (over 20 years ago!), there was an instant connection. My mother-in-law (Mama B.) opened her heart to me in ways I could never even begin to describe. She filled a definite void for me, and I truly have become the daughter she never had. I’m the youngest of 3 girls, and at age 22, I finally got the little brother I had always wished for.  

Me and my bro on one of our many outings together

Me and my bro on one of our many outings together

My Mama B. has been there for me on so many occasions. When I was first home on sick leave from school, she came to take me out for lunch, bringing meals she had cooked to stock our freezer. She was with me when my neurologist wrote me out of work for 6 months. She was with me when I told my principal that I’d be out for 6 months. She was with me when I had to see the state appointed physician for SSDI. She was with me when I met with the NJEA consultant to discuss disability retirement. She then helped me complete all the necessary steps because she knew I needed her support. When I needed to see an independent medical examiner in order to receive my pension, my Mama B. was right by my side. There has never been a time, in 20 years, that she answered “no” to anything at all. Our relationship is like a mother/daughter relationship, but better! There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, including cleaning out her underwear drawer after she dies (seriously this job has been assigned to me!).

Me and my fabulous Mama B.!

Me and my fabulous Mama B.!

My brother-in-law has always been my brother. We have never used the “in-law” part of the title. Some of my favorite memories are of times just the two of us spent together. Whether we went out for a mini bar crawl in the middle of a summer day, or hung out watching TV, I have always loved spending time with my bro. You can imagine how excited I was when he gave me a little sister by marrying a pretty awesome girl. Yada yada yada….a new little Rankin is on the way!

Me and Bruce with my bro, Scott, and the newest Mrs. Rankin, Dana.

Me and Bruce with my bro, Scott, and the newest Mrs. Rankin, Dana.

Often people assume that just because I do not have children I must hate them. Feel free to browse the blog entry I wrote “to reproduce or not to reproduce” for a longer explanation of how I feel, but suffice it to say that this could not be further from the truth. I don’t think anyone is more excited about the upcoming addition to the family than I am. I can’t wait to meet my little niece or nephew. I have plenty of “nieces” and “nephews” (my friends’ children), but none of my own. I can’t wait to be a part of this child’s life from the very beginning. I can’t wait to witness the milestones as s(h)e grows up. I can’t wait to be the cool aunt and spoil her/him rotten.  

I love these Rankin men.

I love these Rankin men.

On multiple occasions in my life, I have felt very strongly that I was taken care of by, let’s just say, the universe. I could name the times, but they wouldn’t have meaning to you. I’m looking at the events of the past year, and realizing just how everything has come together. My Mama B. retired just in time to help me with everything I needed in order to make this huge change in my life.  Now I’m not working, so I can enjoy as much time with little baby Rankin when s(h)e gets here! But it’s about way  more than the quantity of time I’ll get to spend. It’s true that I had to retire early with a disability, but the unexpected gift of learning to be present in every single moment spent with loved ones, is something I would not have been given otherwise. I’m so lucky I learned in time to welcome the wee one because my heart is just waiting for her/his grand entrance! 

This is a Rankin family selfie (including Miles, Scott's dog), taken after celebrating Dana's baby shower.

This is a Rankin family selfie (including Miles, Scott’s dog), taken after celebrating Dana’s baby shower.