On the day that this entry is posted, I will be trying on wedding dresses for the first time ever. For those who haven’t followed this blog or perhaps you missed a few entries here and there, yes, I am already married. In the year 2000, my boyfriend of almost six years (and my best friend of almost ten years) and I headed to Las Vegas to tie the knot. No one was with us, and instead we had an Internet broadcast (very cutting edge for the time) of our nuptials. There was no proposal, just an understanding that we were meant to be together and kind of just decided to do it.
It’s not that we didn’t think about a wedding, but we are practical people and we were just starting our life together, so the last thing we thought about was spending money we didn’t have. Instead, we bought our first home, and soon after MS came along. Together we retreated inward to our safe space together, our new home, as we learned how to deal with this new dynamic MS was going to add to our relationship. As we were just figuring things out, our friends were busy making babies. We were just trying to figure out our new normals and we did this while being scrutinized for our decision not to procreate after already taking heat for the way in which we chose to get married.
Just before our 16th wedding anniversary, Bruce did something I never would have expected: he got down on one knee and “retroactively” proposed to me, shocking the hell out of me. At first, we didn’t know what the proposal would mean for us, because we just wanted to enjoy the moment and our love story because quite frankly, there’s no other like it.
After cancer came along, however, we decided we wanted a real wedding. The kind we never had. The kind where I wear a(n) (off)white dress. The kind where the ones we love most are there to share our joy. The kind where Bruce sees me walking down an aisle towards him. The kind where we publicly declare our vows to each other in front of actual people rather than a webcam. The kind where we drink and eat and dance with our friends and family. The kind we never had.
Once we booked our venue, photographer, and DJ, I kept saying it’s over two years away. There’s nothing to do. Then all of a sudden I turned around and I’m almost within a year, and there’s stuff to be done!
So on this very day, I will be trying on wedding gowns. I’ve been getting really excited about it, but I’m also kind of nervous. I’m not sure exactly why… I think it’s about the struggle I have always had with body dysmorphia and I’m worried that I will look at myself in the mirror, and no matter how beautiful the dress, I will only be able to see what’s wrong with my body rather than what is right with the dress. Thankfully, my MS sisters will be joining me, along with my trainer, and not only do they understand my issues, but I know that I can count on their honesty. They know how to be gentle enough with my fragile self-image to tell me the truth by building me up rather than cutting me down, and I love them for that and about a gazillion other reasons.
When Bru and I first got married, I wanted no part of a wedding dress because I wasn’t happy with my body and I didn’t want to see it in a dress. Now all these years later, I’m still not where I want to be physically, but I have done a lot of work on myself, my mindset, and my physical body. As nervous as I am, I am ready to accept myself just as I am, knowing that Bruce will love me in anything (although he prefers me in nothing!), just as he always has.