Monthly Archives: April 2017

Celebration

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This week Bruce and I are finally on a little getaway alone together, celebrating all the amazing things that we always celebrate in April: my birthday, his birthday, and our wedding anniversary. This year every celebration has had an extra note of euphoria with me having completed my treatment for breast cancer just three days before the start of all the usual festivities. This entry will be short and sweet because I’m enjoying every last bit of time we have together in this rare moment of complete and utter elation, feeling like we conquered the world (that sometimes feels like it’s working against us) yet again, and nothing can bring us down. Today the moral of the story is to enjoy every moment and live happily, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Trust me…. this is something I’ve learned first-hand! See you next week!

We love taking road trips. There is always a “beginning of the trip” selfie!

There is so much about this picture that I love.

Walking around Burlington, Vermont in the rain is still making fun memories.

No comment necessary!

One of our favorite things to do when we travel is find as many local breweries as possible.

Cloudy and gloomy to some is gloriously beautiful to others.

I can’t always keep up with Bru and his beer, especially when he orders one with breakfast. I’ll stick with coffee!

This is how we roll on a road trip!

April

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Today I proudly present an entry written by my one and only, Bruce. Enjoy!

Spring is a time of renewal. Flowers and trees begin to bloom again, and animals come out of hibernation after a long, cold, and dark winter. And the month of April is the month where most of that transition occurs. That feeling of new beginnings in April has long had extra added meaning to Rennie and me, as both of our birthdays, and our wedding anniversary all fall within in a 10 day span of each other between the 10th and the 20th of the month. It’s the month of the year that has always felt as though it belongs to us, as we celebrate each other…both individually and as a couple…and begin yet another trip around the sun together. But this year, there is an added feeling of renewal and celebration, as on April 7th, after four long months, Rennie finally completed her treatment for stage 1 breast cancer that has so consumed our lives.

Here we are at the renewal of our vows on our 10th wedding anniversary. We discussed posting a picture from our actual wedding, but let’s just say that neither of us looked our best that day.

It’s been a tough time for Rennie, but as she will tell you without hesitation, everything one of us goes through, we both go through…so it’s been a tough time for me also. This has been, without a doubt, the roughest period of my life. While her MS diagnosis in 2003 was no walk in the park, that disease (except in the rarest of cases) does not kill you. Breast cancer is a foe on a whole other level. Left untreated, or treated incorrectly, I faced the possibility of losing my wife and best friend. And no matter how brave a face I put on, I’ve been scared to death since the day I first heard the words “abnormal mammogram” back in early December. But I could not let that fear consume me, because I had a job to do, and that was to be the best care partner I possibly could be for Rennie. She needed all the love, support and understanding I could muster. Thankfully, this is not a role I’m unaccustomed to, because I’ve been doing it for almost 14 years now.

One of my favorite photos of Team Rankin, taken on the campus of Rutgers University, where two 18 year olds first met many moons ago.

The job of being a care partner is not for the faint of heart, and brings with it challenges that no one is truly ever prepared for. It often means ignoring your wants and needs, and making sacrifices that no one should have to make. As I’ve said in earlier posts, this is not the life I had planned for either Rennie or myself, but it’s the life we’ve been handed. While I’d change things if I could, I know that I can’t, and I’m just grateful to be married to my best friend and the most amazingly strong person I’ve ever known. After all these years, and despite everything we’ve been through, our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. Have all our struggles brought us closer together? Maybe. But I’d like to think we’d be in exactly the same place no matter how things had gone for us over the years.

Celebrating the last of Ren’s radiation treatments, by ringing the ceremonial gong together.

It’s been a long road from the phone call in early December telling Ren that the results of her yearly mammogram were abnormal to where we are today. There have been biopsies, tests, surgery, countless doctor’s appointments, 30 radiation treatments, and some of the most frightening times of both of our lives…because there is nothing not scary about something like cancer (no matter how soon it’s caught). But here we are on the other side of the most difficult period of both our lives, exhausted, but ready for a fresh start. A fresh start that appropriately comes to us in the month of April, the month where both of us (and our marriage) were born.

 

Finish Line

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When you look at your life objectively, what do you perceive to be your biggest accomplishments? It’s not meant to be answered boastfully, but rather, honestly. I only started thinking about it because in my world, what I have recently achieved ranks higher than almost anything I’ve ever done in my entire life. I am proud of many things: raising a shit-ton of money for the MS Society by making Walk MS a way of life at the BORO, earning my masters degree (Summa Cum Laude) while working full time and not until I was 42 years old, being named Teacher of the Year. But nothing… NOTHING feels better than completing six weeks of daily radiation therapy for breast cancer.

In fact, as I write this entry, it has been 2 days since my last treatment. Tomorrow will be the first day in 6 weeks that I will not have a 3:00 appointment at the cancer center. I’m feeling all kinds of emotions, some of which are kind of surprising. I mean, I knew I’d be excited to be done, and indeed I am. But I never thought I’d feel scared, lonely, or anxious. When I was being seen every day, I somehow felt safer, comforted, and definitely surrounded by amazingly kind people who took care of me and my health. It’s sort of ironic to feel this way when six weeks ago I could not even fathom a schedule like this. I have never committed so fully to something that was not my choice to do, but I had to do it.

Being greeted by this bundle of sunshine every day sure did help. She wore her graduation cap and gown especially for me.

Now I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself every day at 3:00, but that’s a problem I don’t mind having. And like everything else, I look at the whole experience and I try to see the lessons I’ve learned as a result. First of all, I have re-learned a lesson that I had already learned having lived with MS for almost 14 years now. I guess the universe felt I needed a reminder, and perhaps I did. I don’t think I’ll soon forget now about the inner strength that I can always call upon. I think we are all born with it, but some of us never even know it’s there because we are never challenged to use it. Through this journey, I have relied on it, not just for myself, but also for those around me because I know that when I stay strong, everyone else does too, and then I can lean on them when I really have to. Love, friendship, support.. I’m a lucky girl with the best support system ever. It may be getting smaller, but it’s more powerful than you can imagine.

I have also learned about perspective. In fact, keeping my perspective in check was the way I made it through this whole ordeal in the first place. I met some fierce warriors along the way, and I also learned to take it easy on myself, too. From day one, I looked at what I was going through, not asking why, but instead appreciating every single day I have been given. The sun shines brighter, the flowers are more vibrant, and even though I didn’t think it was possible, my heart has become even more full than it already was.

I rang the “end of treatment” gong, not by myself, but with Bruce’s hand in mine, because we have travelled this road together and it was as much his moment as it was mine. Having my support team with me to bear witness and celebrate with me made everything more special and I am that much more appreciative of those I hold so dear to my heart.

So no matter what your life path is, it always helps me to remember that the universe pointed me in this direction for a reason. It’s not always an easy road to travel, but it is made much easier with a smile on your face, love in your heart, and gratitude in your soul. I didn’t think it was possible, that I could smile harder, love more fiercely, or be more appreciative of all that I have, but cancer taught me that I could, and that’s a lesson for us all.

Team Rankin

Self-Acceptance

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This week, as I often do, I had lunch with my friend Mary. We like to talk about things that come up through our journaling. We both see ourselves as human beings striving to evolve and become the best possible version of ourselves, and neither one of us is afraid to make mistakes along the way. After all, without mistakes, we can’t learn and then we stop growing.

My Mary. I just adore her! This was taken at one of our lunch dates.

Our conversations always make me see things differently, or sometimes even more clearly. Shortly after our lunch, Mary called me and wanted to share a thought she had, which ties right in to what we had talked about at our lunch. What she had to say was this: as human beings, we need to make a conscious effort to be as kind to ourselves as we are to others.  Think about that. I mean, I never waste an opportunity to help someone else or offer a kind word when someone (even a complete stranger) seems to need it. But I am not that kind to myself. Why is it so hard?

Earlier in the week, Mary also said that we should all be grateful for the bodies we are given. It is up to us to treat it well and take care of it, no matter how it functions or what it looks like. When I thought about both of these comments that Mary made, I agreed with her 100%. Then I got mad at my younger self… the girl who put too much pressure on herself, beating herself up for not matching some unattainable societal standard, and who never treated herself with kindness. Not ever.

It took a career-ending relapse and finding the right people to walk (stumble, scoot, or rollate) beside me on my journey to discover this lesson, and it’s value is far beyond measure. Some people live an entire lifetime without learning it.

I have always abided by the “kill them with kindness” rule, but why is it so hard for us as human beings to be kinder to ourselves? Instead of getting angry at myself these days for not accomplishing something I may have set out to do, I thank myself for allowing my body to rest when it needs it, and that itself is an accomplishment because I haven’t always been able to do that.

The body is just a shell. The good stuff is inside. I mean think about an M&M. The crunchy part is ok… it comes in many different colors and sizes, depending on the kind of M&M it is.  But what’s really the best part? The inside. Chocolate, peanuts, almonds, crunchies, peanut butter, or whatever other good stuff they choose. I understand this now.  I treat my body well. I nourish it, exercise it, and even allow it to rest because regardless of what it looks like, it’s the only one I’ve got and I’m doing everything I can to be kind to it. It’s not perfect according to the image set forth by the public’s standards, but it’s mine, and it’s getting stronger all the time. Under the surface I am fighting two wars right now. MS and breast cancer, and it hasn’t let me down…. because I accept it, work on it, and am kind to it.

Mary issued a challenge to me. I have never been comfortable showing my arms in any sleeveless top. I am a broad-backed girl, and I always have been. My shoulders are wide, and my arms, though muscular, do not make me feel lady-like at all. I’m not what you would consider dainty, and in fact, I have always felt more like a line backer than a lady because of it. I have an array of little sweaters (both short and long sleeved) that I wear on top of any sleeveless top or dress, and I would never, ever take them off. Mary challenged me to get over it and just be me. So what if I’m not perfect because I am perfectly me.

I’m not kidding about the many different sweaters in all colors, weights, and sleeve lengths, that I wear over anything that shows too much arm!

I have to thank Mary for this (plus about a million other things) because she made it seem so simple. She said that even if I just start out by wearing a sleeveless top, getting in my car and driving around the block, it’s still a start. She’s right. Why should I be so afraid of something so simple and so frequently done without a second thought? The answer is this: I shouldn’t be. Now I’m not saying you’ll see me showing off my guns on a regular basis, but what I am saying is that I am going to make a concerted effort to rise to Mary’s challenge. And while I might not feel comfortable with how it looks, I will be proud of myself, inside and out, because I should. I am done beating myself up about the crappy candy coating. Let’s just get down to the good stuff inside.