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CTCS

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CTCS is a term I coined myself, comparable to PTSD. In my world, this stands for Concurrent Traumatic Covid Syndrome. It can’t be post traumatic because the trauma is ongoing. It definitely has happened because of COVID. And the effects are very real, and I think it’s safe to say that I will never be the same person that I was before.

I wouldn’t say I am an overly social person in “normal” times, but I do enjoy regularly spending time with my small circle of loved ones. This has been vital to my spirit since I stopped working. I went from interacting with over 160 students plus colleagues every single day, to interacting with no one. When I left my job I was lucky enough to maintain relationships with so many students, and I also was blessed to find a very special MS family as well as a strong yoga community. And while I do enjoy my alone time, being around my loved ones definitely sustains my spirit and fills my heart.

Recently I was super excited for a very special event that had been postponed due to the pandemic, and was a celebration for someone incredibly important to me. We had been eagerly discussing it for so long, and I couldn’t believe the time had come. Along with it, however, came a fair share of anxiety, given my vaccination status.

Pre-event selfie to show how perfectly my mask matched my dress!

I listened to the guidance available at the time (and my MS Specialist), and got my vaccinations in January and February. When I reached full efficacy in March, it was so liberating. Not that I acted recklessly or changed my behavior much, except dining indoors twice. Then I came to find out that because my immune system is suppressed (as is typically the mechanism of action for many MS treatments) my body did not make ANY antibodies against the virus at all. None. Tested three times to be sure, and yet still… nothing. This changed everything for me because as everyone else started being able to socialize and get back to some semblance of normal life, I had to retreat back to quasi-isolation.

But this event was too important for me to miss and so with Bruce by my side and my big girl panties on, we drove over two hours to celebrate.

As we sat waiting for the event to begin, I started to feel my anxiety rising. I got the cold sweats. I started shaking. I was hyperventilating and nearly paralyzed with fear. It was an all out panic attack.

Bruce dragged me to a spot where he felt the air conditioning pumping and told me to look around. At that moment there was no one around us. He knows that crowds are often a trigger for me even in non-COVID times… and mask-less  people inside when I have no defense mechanism in my body have made this a million times worse.

With tears pouring down my cheeks and barely able to move, Bruce managed to get me to the car even though I was holding his hand in a death grip, slicing his fingers open with my rings. If he wasn’t there, I’m pretty sure I would have been curled up on the floor in the fetal position. As it was I was so thankful that no one saw me in this state, because the last thing I wanted to do was take away from the joy of this celebration.

I am so grateful for my other half, who always takes the best care of me.

The point is, many who are prone to anxiety are having more issues than people know about with the uncertainty of the future and COVID cases on the rise again. Mental health is extremely important, and that’s why I’m talking about this even though it’s also very private and personal.

I’m here to tell you that mental health issues are as real as those related to physical health and we all need to recognize that everyone is affected differently, especially given the current public health situation.

We all have our own comfort level and we all need to be respectful of each other’s boundaries. I tried my hardest to make myself comfortable in the situation I was in, but I just couldn’t do it.

I was so upset that I missed this event that I had been anxiously awaiting. And I was mad at myself that I couldn’t do it. And then, with some distance, I realized I couldn’t be mad at myself for something out of my control. I can’t get mad at myself when I have an MS relapse, and similarly, I can’t get mad at myself for having a panic attack.

Luckily the family was very understanding of what happened and hopefully I will get to celebrate this event with them on a smaller scale at some point when things are safer for me. I still felt awful about it (and continue to do so) but in the moment there was nothing else I could do.

The moral of this story is that we need to talk about mental health and we need to take it seriously. These are trying times. Be kind to others. Protect each other. Check on your friends and loved ones to make sure they are ok. And most importantly, take care of yourself because you can’t pour lemonade into anyone else’s glass if your pitcher is empty.

Time

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This week, I bring you a special entry by my favorite guest blogger, my other half, my partner in crime, my best friend: Bruce. I can’t think of a better way to close out my 2019 blogging season, as I will be taking off as usual to be fully present with my loved ones during the holidays. But not to worry! I’ll be back with fresh content for you on January 7, 2020. Wishing all my readers a sweet holiday season full of love, happiness, and good health. Without further ado, I present this piece (which I happen to love!), written by Bruce. Enjoy!

Time is a funny thing. Moments from decades ago can seem as if they happened just yesterday, while recent events are easily forgotten and lost forever. It’s also strange how time gets away from you, and before you know it you’re on the verge of 50…and your life is totally different from how you remembered it.

My fascination with time, and the passage of it is nothing new. Ren always thinks I’m nuts when I bring up seemingly unimportant facts about the date, or what we were doing on the same day in a random year. But this year makes me think even more about the past, and how much has happened over time…because this week (on December 15th) Ren and I celebrated 25 years together. It’s a long time for any couple, but when you stop to consider that we were both just 22 when we started dating it makes the quarter of a century that’s passed since that day even more astonishing.

Two young kids who had no idea what the future held for them….

We were just kids when we met at 18 years old, and still were when we got together at 22…even if we both thought we were all grown up. Our naïveté could never have prepared us for everything we would face together now that we were a team, but our combined strength and tenacity kept us moving forward. Whether it was Ren’s numerous health issues (MS, spinal fusion, breast cancer, diabetes, among others), our job/career changes, or the deaths of family members and friends (including my father and grandmother just this year) we always seemed to come out of things stronger. Our resolve to make things right and enjoy our lives together always being the most important thing to both of us. And amazingly where many other couples fold under the stress of just life in general, our relationship grew closer as our need for each other was fortified.

Twenty-five years is a long time, and there’s no way either of us could have imagined in 1994 what our lives would be like in the far flung future of 2019. Would we still be together? Would we even still know each other? Would there be flying cars in the 21st century? There was no way of knowing for sure. Instead, we took our relationship day by day. Never giving up on the other or on us as a couple. What made everything work even when we were met with what seemed like insurmountable obstacles? Who knows? But the strong friendship we forged as teenagers probably had a lot to do with it. We were, and still are each other’s best friend. And no amount of time can change that. I guess you could say we’re stuck with each other. Which isn’t such a bad thing, is it?

25 years (minus 1 day in this photo) together…

Grateful

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Considering that Thanksgiving was last week, I am feeling a need to talk about gratitude. Most people don’t think enough about how many blessings they have in their lives because they focus too much on the daily humdrum of life. It is much easier to focus on negativity when it sometimes does take more effort to open your eyes to all the beautiful things that are right in front of you. I live my life, acknowledging my gratitude twice daily: morning and night (through journaling), making a conscious decision to do so. In honor of this month of gratitude, here are 30 (thirty!) things for which I am grateful, and believe me, I could list about a gazillion more than what’s here:

(Aside from the first one, listed in no particular order!)

1. Bruce: my other half, my partner in crime, my best friend, my husband, my fiancée. He never wavers, and he has taught me how to love purely, and with all that I have. No matter what obstacles life throws our way, we conquer them together. We do everything the way we choose, and we don’t apologize for the uniqueness of our relationship. We don’t conform to societal norms, and I wouldn’t have it (or him) any other way.

#loml

2. A roof over my head, food in my fridge, and love in my heart. These all go together because we had to live in a hotel for five months while our home was being built, and I can never take for granted how it feels to be home. We spent plenty of our younger “hungry years”  food shopping at my mother-in-law’s pantry, and now we have a well-stocked fridge and pantry, and even when we neglect the food shopping, there is still always enough to make a simple meal. And love because no matter where Bruce and I live, there is always love in my heart.

3. Autumn in NJ. There is nothing more beautiful than the palette of oranges, reds, and golds that naturally decorate our environment, even on years when they say it’s a bad season for foliage. Sometimes I wish I could pull my car over even in the worst of places because the view is that beautiful. The fall also reminds me that I survived another summer (despite severe heat intolerance thanks to MS) and that the coziness of winter is imminent.

4. Every single day when I can put my two feet on the floor and walk unassisted. I work hard to stay strong, and after 16 (+) years with MS, this is something that I am truly grateful for. (Don’t ask me about going up and down steps though!)

5. Yoga. It has taught me to connect my mind, body, and spirit. As much as my lack of balance can make things difficult, I like the challenge, and I never give up. Walk into my house almost any day of the week and you’ll see my mat, evidence that I am constantly practicing. Plus it has given me a whole new family, who are like-minded and supportive beyond belief.

6. My family (steps and all!). They are spread all over the east coast, but their support is felt from all corners.

7. I feel a special sense of gratitude for my sister, Lorri, and my brother-in-law, Ken. They have been by my side (literally) through all the ups and downs. My sister was there with me the day I found out I had cancer, and both of them were there the day I celebrated the end of my cancer treatment and they witnessed me ringing the gong to symbolize the end of that particular journey for me.

8. My Rankin family. For almost 25 years they have loved and supported me without question. And because I am a Rankin I have been blessed with a little sister and a nephew, both of whom I absolutely adore.

My Rankin family.

9. My MS family. This motley crew of crazies is essential to my mental health. Although support from family and friends is great, nothing replaces this group who can truly understand the challenges that I face every single day.

MS family.

10. Living in this day and age where there are treatment options for MS patients to help slow down illness progression, giving us all a better quality of life. While I don’t think I’ll see a cure in my lifetime, as long as they continue to find more treatments for us, my gratitude is infinite.

Thankful for this treatment option!

11. My fur babies, past and present. Rescuing these poor pups that never would have been adopted otherwise has added so much joy to my life, and although it’s heart-breaking when I lose one, the happiness they bring on a daily basis is worth it.

My current babies.

12. Diane, my trainer. In addition to working me out, she has become a trusted friend, who I consider family. She plays many roles for me: cheerleader, therapist, trainer, sister, and friend. She has helped me change both my body and my mind, and for that alone I am eternally grateful. She knows what I need when I need it, and words can’t describe how important she is to me.

The best of the best.

13. My volunteer job at Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary. The “residents” are so loving, and I have met so many other like-minded individuals in both the many other volunteers I have met there, as well as in the very skeleton crew of paid employees. They never waste an opportunity to thank the volunteers and to let us know how important we are in the daily upkeep of this extremely special place.

Uno and Wendy hanging out in the family room.

14. Having taken my cancer diagnosis and used it to build more inner strength.  Today I can look back at the beginning of my journey, knowing that I faced it head on, with a smile on my face…and kicked ass.

15. Being proactive in my medical care, knowing how to use the tools at my disposal and sift out the fluff to understand the meat. I’m not afraid to advocate for myself, and I can do it without getting angry.

16. Having learned to listen to my body, and to understand what it needs and when it needs it. I know when I am over-tired and need rest, and I know when I can push through. I know when I have a gut feeling, I need to listen to it, and I’m grateful that I have learned this lesson.

17. My former students, near and far, who continue to play such an important role in my life. They help me to see the good in others as I watch them blossom as adults, doing amazing things. They make me happy just thinking about how far they have come, and they fill my heart up with endless amounts of pride.

Just a sampling of some of my formers who all make my life complete, even those not pictured.

18. Meditation, specifically Transcendental Meditation (TM). Through the process of learning TM, I am generally a more self-aware, calmer version of the person I used to be. TM allows me to settle my mind and give myself those 20 precious minutes of clarity.

Mala beads and mantra meditation.

19. Air conditioning. It sounds trivial, but when you suffer from heat intolerance due to MS (and you lose your vision when overheated), it takes on new meaning… especially when you live in NJ where the summer months bring what feels like never-ending heat and oppressive humidity. Also, the curly girl in me appreciates the AC as well, but for completely different reasons!

20. On-line shopping. Being that crowds make me anxious (mostly because I can’t feel my feet which throws my balance off), being able to still do my holiday shopping on my own, without fear of walking into people (or things) and embarrassing myself, helps me maintain my independence.

21. Social media. How else could I have reconnected and stayed in contact with so many amazing people from so many different aspects of my life? (Pssst: if you don’t see me on Facebook, it simply means that things got too political for me and I took a little break, but you will always see me on Instagram!).

22. Photography. This little hobby of mine has given me friendships with some pretty spectacular people. I never knew I could feel such a strong connection with friends simply because of a shared passion! I also am grateful that my photography hobby has taught me to see beauty worthy of being photographed everywhere I go.

23. My forever friend, MHP, for always ALWAYS loving me. We don’t live ten minutes from each other like when we were younger, but it doesn’t matter. She is forever in my heart and no matter how long we go in between visits, it’s always like no time has passed at all.

My beautiful (and bad-ass) forever friend.

24. My chocolate sister and dear friend, FS. She is the only former co-worker who remains a constant in my life. Since well before I stopped working, we have had our twice monthly “meetings” to make sure that we keep current with each other’s lives. I can’t imagine my life without her and I will never be able to adequately express to her how much she means to me.

My chocolate sister…

25. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, and On-Demand. Being able to watch anything we want so quickly, without having to go out to the movies is the best. Aside from the germaphobe in me who gets grossed out by sitting in chairs that who knows what kind of person sat in last, the MS patient in me appreciates not having to choose the right moment to go to the bathroom without fear of tripping in the dark. At home I can press “pause” as many times as I need to!

26. Having chosen a profession and worked long enough to earn disability retirement so that I could collect my pension early, allowing me to take care of myself and my illness, and still contribute to the household bills.

27. The families of former students who have brought me into the loving fold of their own families because of the relationships we established so many years ago. It’s hugely validating to me, not just as a former teacher, but also as a human being. All I did was love their kids and help them to succeed, but that’s all I had to do, apparently. I’m so thankful to feel so loved.

28. Coffee. And certain medications. When chronic fatigue rules your life, you must give thanks for anything that helps you push through the day, whether prescribed by a doctor or otherwise.

29. Texting. Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to have a full conversation over the phone, and texting allows me to check in with (or be checked in on by) friends and family, with less effort expended. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to loved ones, but sometimes, I simply do not have enough energy.

30. I am grateful for this life I’m living. It’s not perfect, nor is it what I envisioned for me and Bru, but it’s the only life I have been given. Despite the obvious, my life with Bruce is perfectly imperfect, and overcoming so much together only makes it that much sweeter.

So there you have it. With very little thought, I have listed a whole month’s worth of people and/or things for which I am eternally grateful. I’m not saying that you need to physically acknowledge your gratitude twice daily like I do, but I am saying that if you start and end your day with gratitude, there’s no way that you will be able to fixate on any negativity that arises during the day. We all deal with stress in our lives, and I have found the best way to counteract stress and negativity is by focusing on gratitude. I dare you to try it. You’ll be amazed at how differently you view your world. So tell me… What are you thankful for?

Having it All

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A while ago, I had a pretty memorable conversation with a friend of mine. Actually, it was a text conversation, not a real conversation, but isn’t that the way things go in this day and age?

Anyway, during this conversation, we were casually talking about  love, marriage, and life in general. My friend rattled off a list of things, both tangible and materialistic as well as intangible and meaningful. She said that it’s impossible to have it all. I thought about it for a few minutes, silently taking inventory of my life. I responded that I disagreed with her, because I really do feel like I have it all. Please indulge me this week as I share why I feel this way, truly looking at my life in the glass half full, making lemonade kind of way.

It’s nothing fancy, but it’s dependable and gets me where I need to go.

If we are talking about the material items, I am a simple person. I’ve never been fazed by fancy cars, name brand bags, and other high end merchandise that often impresses some people (although I do love my diamonds!). My car is nothing fancy, but I love it. It’s reliable, comfortable, good on gas, and most importantly, it’s safe. It has all the comforts I could want, and then some. It’s not the make or model of the vehicle that interests me, but rather that it always gets me where I’m going, and I didn’t have to sell any vital organs to afford it.

Over seven years ago, my husband and I moved into the home of our dreams. Since it was new construction, we were able to personalize everything just the way we wanted. We never thought we’d buy a brand new house. But we were smart to buy our first house when we did, we were smart with the updates we made there, and we were smart to sell when we did, which made it possible for us to even consider this new home. It’s not a McMansion, or even a large house. But it’s my home, and I love it. The truth is, I’d be happy anywhere as long as my little family is with me.

Home (really) sweet home!

The hard hat walk-through made it seem like we were a lot closer to being done than it really was!

Still, those things are things we can buy. But the more important things can’t be bought. I chose a career I was passionate about and that I fully believed was my destiny. I loved being a teacher, and I know I was good at it. Some days I had so much fun that I couldn’t believe that I was actually being paid to do it. I connected with my students on so many levels, and I would be incomplete without them still in my life. I wasn’t ready to retire when I did, but I left feeling completely fulfilled by my career. I was at the top of my game, and I never became “that teacher” who stopped giving her all, 100% of the time.

This was the honor of a lifetime.

Teacherly duties: signing yearbooks at the end of the year!

I have awesome friends, in the MS community, and also outside of it. My MS friends are considered my “MS family”, and we support each other through everything. These are the only ones who will ever really get it, because we are all in the trenches together. They are beautiful and strong, and they each inspire me every single day. Without them, my world would feel empty. I am also blessed to have a few incredibly understanding and supportive friends who come as close to truly “getting it” as anyone who doesn’t have MS could possibly be. They read anything they can to learn about MS and how it might affect me, which makes me love them even more because they try so hard to get me.

The best gifts MS has given me is this motley crew. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I don’t have children, but I most certainly have a family. I am lucky enough to have an amazing husband who has stood at my side, without wavering, every step of the way. For the past 25 years, Bruce has been on my side, before MS, and now with it. He watched me struggle to recuperate from spinal fusion surgery, and remained my rock through breast cancer. How many people vow to be with their partners in “sickness and health’ and never really know what it means? How many people are actually tested on the strength of their marriage vows? Bruce was. And he is tested daily. But he sees beyond MS and what it has taken from me. He sees the person I have become in spite of it all. He is my laughter, my strength, and my joy. He balances my optimism with his realism and his pragmatic sensibility. We have an insanely happy and healthy marriage, and I never, ever take that for granted. Together with our two “fur babies” we have built a life that I wouldn’t trade for anything.  We still like each other after all these years, and what’s more is that we are more in love now than ever.

I am so lucky to be more in love than ever with this guy who really makes me feel like I have it all.
Photo credit: Idalia Photography

Perhaps it’s because of my simple nature, or even my perspective on life… I have everything I need, and then some. I honestly feel as though I have it all.  My friend said she didn’t think she would ever be able to say that about her life, and she told me that I’m so lucky to feel that way about mine. She’s right.

Meditations

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This past week Bruce was out of town for work. He doesn’t have to travel often, thankfully. It’s usually just once or twice a year. But when he is gone, I do realize how grateful I am for everything he does to make my life easier. Plus this year, I have been on strict orders to rest because I have a severe case of tendonitis… what is generally referred to as “tennis elbow”, although I haven’t picked up a racket in over 25 years. I don’t find tennis to be an MS friendly sport, although I grew up playing it and other MS patients may find it easier than I do. Anyhoo, I have been very limited in what I can do, and I am following these orders to the letter since I am so ready to get back to my normal routine. What I can do right now is walk (but it has been rainy and damp), and seated yoga stretching. Nothing at all that uses any part of my upper body. Ho. Hum.

In addition to Bruce being away, my sister has been away too. We don’t see each other every day, but we do talk on the phone about a gazillion times a day. Some days I realized that until Bruce checked in before bed, he was the first human being I had spoken to all day. I mean I talk to my dogs, but obviously they don’t understand so those conversations don’t really lead anywhere.

In the past when Bruce has been away, I’ve had visitors of all kinds… and at the very least people who knew he was away would call (or at least text) to see if I was ok or needed anything. I’m not sure why this trip was different. But it was. The funny thing is that normally I might be upset or sad about that. But this time I wasn’t. Since I haven’t really been able to do the physical practice of yoga, I really honed in on other pieces that go along with it… like meditation. With all this time, I did my usual TM (transcendental meditation) twice daily like always. Then I added in meditating with modern day mantras using my mala beads.  I also added in some karma yoga, which is one of the paths to “enlightenment” in which the practitioner simply does good deeds. Not all yoga includes putting yourself in poses, and none of it is about hand-standing in crazy dangerous situations and posting pictures on Instagram for the followers you have paid for…. but I digress!

Meditating with malas is pretty powerful.

This was not my ideal week, and I for sure felt sorry for myself for a hot minute before remembering that I have the tools to change that mindset, and I did. And I did not forget about my twice daily gratitude journal either. Like I said earlier, having a partner like Bruce is always at the top of my gratitude list. But saying that encompasses so much: he cooks, he cleans, he goes grocery shopping, he runs the errands, he feeds the dogs, he cleans up poop, he runs upstairs if I need something, he takes care of the garbage and the recycling, and probably everything else you could even think of. In short he takes care of everything, works hard at his job (which is quite stressful), and then takes care of me. Because he wants to, not because he has to. And he does this because my job is to take care of me so that I can stay strong, ensuring that we have as many happy years together hopefully keeping MS where it is without further progression. That is my only job and Bruce is adamant about that.

My rock. My purpose. My everything.

I already knew I was lucky to have my guy before he went on this trip, but it was reinforced so clearly this week because I reflected so much upon this life. I really wish that everyone in the world could have a partner that supports me the way Bru supports me, because everyone deserves it. And perhaps if they did experience it, maybe, just maybe this world would be a much sweeter place to be. Or maybe I’m just over-meditated! 🙂

Married to Yoga

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It has been a while since you have heard from Bruce, and I know you all love it when he steps in for me, so I recruited him (read: told him) to write this week. This is his unedited voice, and although some parts sting a little bit, I get it. Without further ado, I present Bruce’s latest piece.

Ren’s yoga game has gotten very strong.

For the last eight months, Rennie has been married to yoga. At least it feels that way to me. Back in September 2018 she embarked on 300 hours of yoga teacher training, and in many ways it’s become the main focus of her life. Multiple weekends a month are spent in class while she learns more about the art of yoga in nine months than most people ever will in their lives. And while I couldn’t be prouder of her I can’t help but feel a bit abandoned (ridiculous as that may sound).

Don’t get me wrong…I’m glad she’s found something she’s passionate about to make her feel useful (her word, not mine) and to replace what she lost when MS took her teaching career from her…but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel like yoga has become more important to her than me. Honestly, I think that at this moment yoga might be the most important thing in her life, because for the first time in years she finally has the sense of purpose that she lost. This is the Rennie I knew when she was a high school teacher. Someone who was lost…just another casualty to the chronic illness she’s battled for so long. But this Rennie is not a stranger to me at all, because it’s who she once was not long ago.

One of my favorites of us from our trip to Providence, RI. Can’t wait for our next adventure.

During the 15 years that she worked as a high school Spanish teacher, Ren was 100% committed to not just the job but the lifestyle. She lived and breathed teaching, spending most of her waking hours devoted to the art of teaching and her students. A devotion that eventually resulted in a well-deserved teacher of the year award back in 2011. Although all of this hard work meant that unless it was Summer vacation, I was more often than not living the life of a single man, because there just was no time for me.

During this time I never really considered how much of a workaholic Ren was…for a lot of reasons. First of all, it was all I knew because even before she became a teacher she was devoted to her first career as a retail manager for Walgreens. The hours for that job were such that she routinely worked nights, weekends & holidays, and I became so used to her not being around that when teaching became her vocation it seemed like a major improvement. After all, at least I saw her. She was always grading papers or writing lesson plans, but she was physically present. Not so much available or emotionally present, but I knew what she was up to and what she looked like. It wasn’t until 2013 when MS finally ended her career that I realized how little time we spent together.

We both like plaid. A lot.

Now on permanent disability with nothing to do but work on herself, I seemed to have a wife for the first time. We could spend nights and weekends doing things together, or just talking. It was something I quickly got accustomed to, and also something that helped me to deal with my own issues with anxiety and poor self-esteem. It was kind of like dating all over again. A Ren-aissance, so to speak.

And as much as Ren enjoyed getting to know me all over again, something was missing. She needed to feel fulfilled in a way other than just being my wife. And while my jealous nature makes it difficult to see, I do understand that. Ren is a driven person that needs a purpose. I’ve known this about her for over a quarter of a century, and it’s just one of the many reasons I fell in love with her as a teenager.

200 hours down, 100 to go before I get my wife back.

The good news is that she’s only got a month of training left, and I’ll have her back before you know it. We can both see the finish line. It probably won’t be long before she finds another goal to push herself towards that will take her away from me again. But it’s not all bad…I mean she has gotten a hell of a lot more flexible, if you know what I mean 😉. And there are lessons that I can learn as well. Maybe I need to find something to be passionate about, and to give me purpose. I can’t be a big kid forever (or can I?).

Partner

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I thought it appropriate as we near the end of April, which is full of celebrations that are all about me and Bruce, to bring back this blog which explains why I constantly refer to him as my partner. It might seem odd to some, and maybe this can help others understand just how different it is to call him my partner rather than simply calling him my husband. By the way, it was his idea to revive this post, but I totally understand why.

The other day, Bruce turned to me, and asked me why I always refer to him as my partner rather than my husband.  It’s not that he was upset or angry about it, it’s just that he was curious. And looking back at the many blog posts that include him in any way, I do always refer to him as my partner.

I looked at him and I almost didn’t even know where to start explaining. I mean partner encompasses so much more than saying husband or spouse. By being partners, Bruce and I share every single aspect of our life together.

This is the exact spot where Bruce first saw me walking across campus, and last summer we went back to the scene of the crime!

By simply calling him my husband, no one would know that he is my care partner. He is the one I lean on when I’m not feeling well, and he puts everything else aside for me during those times. He supports me physically when I’m not well by picking up my share of the slack around the house while still working full time. He does this without complaint, knowing that if the roles were reversed, I would do the very same for him.

Calling him my husband doesn’t reflect the depth of our friendship, that started when we were just 18 years old. He was my best bud for years before we started dating, and the history we shared during those years made our relationship much more special when we finally did get together. That’s how I knew it was for keeps because he’s still my best friend. He’s the first one I turn to when I need love and support. He makes me laugh so hard that I cry (and maybe even pee a little bit… but that could be MS too!?), and having him beside me, even if we are just sitting in silence, provides me with the kind of peace of mind that calms me to my very core.

Saying that Bruce is my husband can’t possibly do justice to the guy who loved me even when my entire life revolved around my job… and even more when I added graduate school to the mix, taking away more time together from the already limited amount we had. Even when we were spending time together, I was always thinking about school or grad school. I was seldom fully present, but he supported me anyway because that’s what partners do.

Being my partner means that he has chosen to continue on our journey together despite the many obstacles we have faced. Being my partner means sharing the burden equally, and that burden can be pretty weighty at times. But when we each take half, it’s not so bad. Bruce wears many hats in our world… best friend, care partner, husband, fiancée, soul mate, and partner.

A reenactment of one of the very first pictures of us, taken in New Hope, PA.

I can’t even remember what it’s like to not have him as my partner, or when his title evolved to partner. What I do know is that having him as my partner in life has made everything better, including MS and breast cancer. Having him as my partner means I smile wider, love harder, and give thanks every damn day that he is there.

The truest sign of our partnership is that we complement each other so that each of us is better because of the other. With all that being said, it is true that Bruce is my husband. But he is my partner in this life, and being my partner entails way more than just being my husband. Plus, he’s the captain of #TeamRankin… and as we all know, #TeamRankin never loses!

Sick

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I hate being sick, and since I am such a stickler about germs, it rarely happens. As I write this entry, I have been ordered to rest by multiple people (including Bruce, my trainer, and my sister), and I am thinking about the last time I was sick. It was five years ago, almost to the day. The timing of this “ick” came at the worst possible time because I really had to suck it up… I had yoga teacher training all weekend, and those are days that can not be missed since I am required to reach the mandatory amount of hours of training. It’s not that my group isn’t flexible, but I hate to put anybody out. We have had the required dates since September, so I brought all my supplies (tissues, hot tea, Ricolas, Mucinex, Advil, etc.) and I kept my distance so as not to infect the others.

It brought me back to five years ago when I had a similar “ick”. It was Valentine’s Day, and my Mama B  and I spent the morning at a consultation for my disability retirement, filing the necessary papers, and then at the urgent care clinic. She took care of me and made sure everything was taken care of before she tucked me in and made sure I had everything I would need until Bruce got home just a little bit later.

It’s funny how even as an adult, a little mommying goes a long way when you feel so ill. Being sick is NEVER fun, but for those of us with MS, especially those of us who are heat intolerant, a fever is something to be feared. It’s one thing when outer heat affects your body, but it is completely different when the heat comes from inside. I was vibrating everywhere, tingling, numb, shaky, and in pain. Plus every symptom I’ve ever had was magnified a gazillion-fold. I was miserable, and rest never comes easily to me.

Luckily Bruce understands this and made sure that I had soup and tea, plus cold drinks, and all the other necessities I needed. He cozied me up on the couch, turned off the lights, and left me me with the pups to rest quietly.

It’s not how I prefer to spend a weekend (plus a few extra days), but I know it is needed. I hate not being able to exercise my body, but doing so under these circumstances only opens me up to injuries so I need to be patient… also not an easy thing for me.

The thing I’m missing the most this time around with the “ick” is the nurturing of my Mama B, believe it or not. But alas, I am a grown up, and at some point we all have to accept that being sick is a part of life and we won’t always have a mommy there to take care of us. And I’m lucky because I have something even better: a partner who understands what I need when I need it, and who takes care of me through everything. I may not be feeling well physically, but my heart is full and our life together is pretty perfect.

PS. I’m keeping this entry short because if I don’t I will get chastised (and rightly so) for not resting like I should.

Giving Thanks

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As we head towards Thanksgiving this week, I am feeling a need to talk about gratitude. Most people don’t think enough about how many blessings they have in their lives because they focus too much on the daily humdrum of life. It is much easier to focus on negativity when it sometimes does take more effort to open your eyes to all the beautiful things that are right in front of you. I live my life, acknowledging my gratitude twice daily: morning and night (through journaling), making a conscious decision to do so. In honor of this month of gratitude, here are 30 (thirty!) things for which I am grateful, and believe me, I could list about a gazillion more than what’s here:

(Aside from the first one, listed in no particular order!)

Photo Credit: Idalia Photography

1. Bruce: my other half, my partner in crime, my best friend, my husband, my fiancée. He never wavers, and he has taught me how to love purely, and with all that I have. No matter what obstacles life throws our way, we conquer them together. We do everything the way we choose, and we don’t apologize for the uniqueness of our relationship. We don’t conform to societal norms, and I wouldn’t have it (or him) any other way.

2. A roof over my head, food in my fridge, and love in my heart. These all go together because we had to live in a hotel for five months while our home was being built, and I can never take for granted how it feels to be home. We spent plenty of our younger “hungry years”  food shopping at my mother-in-law’s pantry, and now we have a well-stocked fridge and pantry, and even when we neglect the food shopping, there is still always enough to make a simple meal. And love because no matter where Bruce and I live, there is always love in my heart.

3. Autumn in NJ. There is nothing more beautiful than the palette of oranges, reds, and golds that naturally decorate our environment, even on years when they say it’s a bad season for foliage. Sometimes I wish I could pull my car over even in the worst of places because the view is that beautiful. The fall also reminds me that I survived another summer (despite severe heat intolerance thanks to MS) and that the coziness of winter is imminent.

4. Every single day when I can put my two feet on the floor and walk unassisted. I work hard to stay strong, and after 15 (+) years with MS, this is something that I am truly grateful for. (Don’t ask me about going up and down steps though!)

5. Yoga. It has taught me to connect my mind, body, and spirit. As much as my lack of balance can make things difficult, I like the challenge, and I never give up. Walk into my house almost any day of the week and you’ll see my mat, evidence that I am constantly practicing. Plus it has given me a whole new family, who are like-minded and supportive beyond belief.

6. My family (steps and all!). They are spread all over the east coast, but their support is felt from all corners.

7. I feel a special sense of gratitude for my sister, Lorri, and my brother-in-law, Ken. They have been by my side (literally) through all the ups and downs. My sister was there with me the day I found out I had cancer, and both of them were there the day I celebrated the end of my cancer treatment and they witnessed me ringing the gong to symbolize the end of that particular journey for me.

8. My Rankin family. For almost 24 years they have loved and supported me without question. And because I am a Rankin I have been blessed with a little sister and a nephew, both of whom I absolutely adore.

9. My MS family. This motley crew of crazies is essential to my mental health. Although support from family and friends is great, nothing replaces this group who can truly understand the challenges that I face every single day.

10. Living in this day and age where there are treatment options for MS patients to help slow down illness progression, giving us all a better quality of life. While I don’t think I’ll see a cure in my lifetime, as long as they continue to find more treatments for us, my gratitude is infinite.

11. My fur babies, past and present. Rescuing these poor pups that never would have been adopted otherwise has added so much joy to my life, and although it’s heart-breaking when I lose one, the happiness they bring on a daily basis is worth it.

12. Diane, my trainer. In addition to working me out, she has become a trusted friend, who I consider family. She plays many roles for me: cheerleader, therapist, trainer, sister, and friend. She has helped me change both my body and my mind, and for that alone I am eternally grateful. She knows what I need when I need it, and words can’t describe how important she is to me.

13. My volunteer job at Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary. The “residents” are so loving, and I have met so many other like-minded individuals in both the many other volunteers I have met there, as well as in the very skeleton crew of paid employees. They never waste an opportunity to thank the volunteers and to let us know how important we are in the daily upkeep of this extremely special place.

14. Having taken my cancer diagnosis and used it to build more inner strength.  Today I can look back at the beginning of my journey, knowing that I faced it head on, with a smile on my face…and kicked ass.

15. Being proactive in my medical care, knowing how to use the tools at my disposal and sift out the fluff to understand the meat. I’m not afraid to advocate for myself, and I can do it without getting angry.

16. Having learned to listen to my body, and to understand what it needs and when it needs it. I know when I am over-tired and need rest, and I know when I can push through. I know when I have a gut feeling, I need to listen to it, and I’m grateful that I have learned this lesson.

17. My former students, near and far, who continue to play such an important role in my life. They help me to see the good in others as I watch them blossom as adults, doing amazing things. They make me happy just thinking about how far they have come, and they fill my heart up with endless amounts of pride.

18. Meditation, specifically Transcendental Meditation (TM). Through the process of learning TM, I am generally a more self-aware, calmer version of the person I used to be. TM allows me to settle my mind and give myself those 20 precious minutes of clarity.

19. Air conditioning. It sounds trivial, but when you suffer from heat intolerance due to MS (and you lose your vision when overheated), it takes on new meaning… especially when you live in NJ where the summer months bring what feels like never-ending heat and oppressive humidity. Also, the curly girl in me appreciates the AC as well, but for completely different reasons!

20. On-line shopping. Being that crowds make me anxious (mostly because I can’t feel my feet which throws my balance off), being able to still do my holiday shopping on my own, without fear of walking into people (or things) and embarrassing myself, helps me maintain my independence.

21. Social media. How else could I have reconnected and stayed in contact with so many amazing people from so many different aspects of my life? (Pssst: if you don’t see me on Facebook, it simply means that things got too political for me and I took a little break, but you will always see me on Instagram!).

22. Photography. This little hobby of mine has given me friendships with some pretty spectacular people. I never knew I could feel such a strong connection with friends simply because of a shared passion!

23. My forever friend, MHP, for always ALWAYS loving me. We don’t live ten minutes from each other like when we were younger, but it doesn’t matter. She is forever in my heart and no matter how long we go in between visits, it’s always like no time has passed at all.

24. My chocolate sister and dear friend, FS. She is one of the only former co-workers who remains a constant in my life. Since well before I stopped working, we have had our twice monthly “meetings” to make sure that we keep current with each other’s lives. I can’t imagine my life without her and I will never be able to adequately express to her how much she means to me.

25. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, and On-Demand. Being able to watch anything we want so quickly, without having to go out to the movies is the best. Aside from the germaphobe in me who gets grossed out by sitting in chairs that who knows what kind of person sat in last, the MS patient in me appreciates not having to choose the right moment to go to the bathroom without fear of tripping in the dark. At home I can press “pause” as many times as I need to!

26. Having chosen a profession and worked long enough to earn disability retirement so that I could collect my pension early, allowing me to take care of myself and my illness, and still contribute to the household bills.

27. The families of former students who have brought me into the loving fold of their own families because of the relationships we established so many years ago. It’s hugely validating to me, not just as a former teacher, but also as a human being. All I did was love their kids and help them to succeed, but that’s all I had to do, apparently. I’m so thankful to feel so loved.

28. Coffee. And certain medications. When chronic fatigue rules your life, you must give thanks for anything that helps you push through the day, whether prescribed by a doctor or otherwise.

29. Texting. Sometimes I just don’t have it in me to have a full conversation over the phone, and texting allows me to check in with (or be checked in on by) friends and family, with less effort expended. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to loved ones, but sometimes, I simply do not have enough energy.

30. I am grateful for this life I’m living. It’s not perfect, nor is it what I envisioned for me and Bru, but it’s the only life I have been given. Despite the obvious, our life is perfectly imperfect, and overcoming so much together only makes it that much sweeter.

So there you have it. With very little thought, I have listed a whole month’s worth of people and/or things for which I am eternally grateful. I’m not saying that you need to physically acknowledge your gratitude twice daily like I do, but I am saying that if you start and end your day with gratitude, there’s no way that you will be able to fixate on any negativity that arises during the day. We all deal with stress in our lives, and I have found the best way to counteract stress and negativity is by focusing on gratitude. I dare you to try it. You’ll be amazed at how differently you view your world. So tell me… What are you thankful for?

Guycation

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As I have written about before, every year, my other half takes a guys’ trip to Las Vegas. They plan it at this time of the year because they aren’t really gamblers, but they LOVE betting on sports. In the fall, they have their choice of baseball, football, and hockey, which makes them happy. They eat and drink and watch sports. It’s heavenly for him, and I support it. Our relationship is different from many others because of how we encourage each other to do our own things sometimes, and we have always been that way.

All packed and ready to go.

In past years, I have been surrounded by friends to help pass the time alone while Bru is away. It’s always more than a weekend, and usually it is a five day trip. It’s a long time to be apart now that I’m not working and we spend so much more time together than when this tradition began all those years ago. He gets to spend the time bonding with our friends while I hold down the fort at home.

This year has been different for me. I did have a busy weekend filled with yoga teacher training. But that was only two days. The rest of the time was eerily quiet, and had me wondering why I was feeling a little lonely and abandoned, not by Bruce, but by others who used to want to come and spend time with me. And although I had those feelings on the weekend I was grateful for the quiet at the same time because my head is always spinning after yoga teacher training.

This is my awesome group of Gypsy Souls after a day of studying Yoga Sutras and a master Jivamukti Yoga class.

So part of what I have learned in my yoga teacher training so far is that I must have done something and that I should reflect upon what it could be. Sounds simple enough, right? Not so much when people randomly get tired of that girl and her MS that always gets in the way because she can’t keep up with her able-bodied peers. It’s something I have been “reflecting on” since my diagnosis over 15 years ago. It’s a sad truth but it’s also human nature. I have come to understand this through my own work on myself that I have been super focused on, especially since I stopped working because that’s when I was at my lowest point.

I have also learned in my yoga training that even when there is a negative in your life, there is a positive twist, which is exactly what my whole philosophy on life (and that I try to put out on this blog) is all about. So my takeaway from this year’s guycation is that even though I experienced feelings that I never felt before, that’s ok. It has given me time to really think about the things we discussed in training and try to apply it to my own life. So the flip side of the coin that contains my feelings of loneliness and abandonment on one side, on the other side contains the part where those people who used to keep me company are doing happy things for themselves, which I love. It also contains the part where Bruce gets to go and burn off the stress that he feels on a daily basis, being my caretaker and the main source of income for our little family, which I love even more. I am hoping that when he comes home, his jaw won’t be clenched, he will be happy for having gotten away to his favorite place, and that he will bring me many gifts! 🙂

This was a gift that Bru brought me from the neon museum one year on his Vegascation.

At one of our teacher training days this weekend, we had a guest instructor come, who has more than once taken a 30 day retreat (by himself) where he took a vow of silence for 30 days. He talked about how powerful the experience was, and how his mind would go to so many different places, ultimately finding a clarity of thought different than anything he had ever experienced before. I’m in no way comparing my silly feelings to this, but I can see how the mind goes to many different places when there are no outside distractions.

At the end of the day, I’m always grateful for any and all feelings, because as I have said in the past, as human beings we need to allow ourselves to experience all different emotions to make us appreciate how good we really have it. And I am lucky that I honestly feel that I have it pretty damn good: MS, breast cancer, and all.

These two are my constant companions and they kept me company and snuggled the whole time Bru was away.