Tag Archives: yoga

Affirmation

Leave a reply

Once upon a time I was a yoga drop-in junkie. I went everywhere and anywhere to any studio that offered the first class for free. Yoga memberships are not cheap, and I never would have the money to have one due to the fact that I live on permanent disability.

Then, back in late 2017, I was offered a scholarship at a local studio. While thrilled beyond belief, it was also a bit intimidating. When you drop into a class, you have the comfort of knowing that regardless of how the class goes, you will likely never see any of the people in class with you ever again.

So when I walked into “my” studio to take my first class, I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect. My stomach was in knots as I approached the studio and set myself up in the very back corner of the room. All around me women were gathered, mostly moms (which I’m not), mostly high class (also which I’m not), mostly in adorable yoga sets (not leggings and a t-shirt like me), and no one was overly welcoming. It seemed very clique-ish. And as I sat there thinking well that’s fine, as long as I get a nice class in, one bright, shining soul approached me with a big smile to say hi, tell me her name, how long she had been practicing, etc. I am so grateful for Suzette because her warmth made me feel not so awkward, and when other people saw us chatting, they seemed to follow her lead, at least on the surface.

This is the first selfie ever of me and Suzette, taken after one of the classes I taught in studio.

When I first started teaching chair yoga at the studio, Suzette NEVER missed my class, in studio OR when we began teaching remotely. She has always been so supportive and I’m so grateful for the studio that brought us together.

Now that I am no longer with the studio, we practice together several times a week, and have even managed some outdoor lunches when the weather has cooperated. As I continue my yoga studies, she is always willing to be my “crash test dummy” (as I call it) and she gives me great feedback whenever I need it. Suzette is my constant yoga partner and we also happen to be kindred spirits. It’s amazing how the universe brought us together that way.

Back in October, Suzette and I were getting ready to practice, and I decided to start our practice with an affirmation. We repeated it 108 times together, using Malas to count them. Then I integrated the affirmation into the class so it was all we could hear besides our own breath. We did this with our practice for a few days, and when we got to one that was very strong and resonated loudly with both of us, Suzette suggested that we repeat the same mantra together every day for 30 days. I thought it was a brilliant idea, and so on October 15, we began our journey. (Just as a side note, 108 is a sacred number which Vedic culture viewed as “a number of the wholeness of existence”.)

This is one of the Malas we used during the past 30 days, and also happens to be the one that my yoga teacher gave me when I graduated with my 300 hours of Yoga Teacher Training.

Every day, whether we practiced together or not, we at least FaceTimed and did our affirmations together. We had also decided to journal each day about how we were feeling, or any of our thoughts relating to the affirmation. Before each session, we took turns reading our journal entries from the day before to each other. Each day it became more and more obvious that the repetition of this affirmation was affecting our thought processes and re-wiring our brains to believe in what we were saying.

Virtual practice and affirmations together!

When I began writing this entry, I went back and forth about disclosing what the affirmation was, but in the end, I found it too personal and also a sacred oath between the two of us. We are all spiritual beings living the human experience, and as such Suzette and I are constantly striving to be better, to work through the crap life hands at us, and to accept ourselves in this temporary vessel we inhabit during this lifetime.

This was one of the beautiful days when we did our affirmations together in person after a 6 hour lunch! (Seriously we talked for 6 hours as if it was nothing!) You can see a different Mala on my neck in this picture.

Back when I was a teacher, I always told my kids that repetition was the key to learning anything, and now I believe that more than ever after 30 days of repeating this affirmation 108 times.

Some may read this and think it’s a little “hokey” or “out there”, but the mind is incredibly powerful. According to the English American Dictionary, when applied to the spiritual life, an affirmation is a statement of truth which one aspires to absorb into his life. Affirmations are dynamic and practical — not wishful thinking.

If you question it at all, I encourage you to try it. The power of your own mind might just surprise you.

Heat Intolerance

Leave a reply

Now that summer is upon us, I am already mindful of the blistering heat and humidity that are par for the course living in NJ. I definitely love the summer vibe that is palpable everywhere you go, as winter coats are traded in for tank tops and Uggs go back in the closet in favor of flip flops. While I can appreciate the sentiment, summers are not easy for me due to heat intolerance caused by Multiple Sclerosis.

The sun, while beautiful, could quite literally be the death of me.

This year I am particularly anxious about it. Since my vaccination status is null due to the Disease Modifying Theraoy I am on for MS, I am supposed to be acting as if I am not vaccinated, which means no indoor dining. While summer is the time that I normally catch up with teacher friends and former students, we are relegated to outdoor visits only, which can’t happen during the sweltering weather here in NJ. So this year, I am taking the whole heat intolerance thing a lot harder than I normally do, because I am feeling isolated yet again. And to make matters worse, I haven’t exactly been able to figure out why the heat and humidity can wreak such havoc on my body, even when I am confined to the meat locker conditions that keep our air conditioning pumping all summer to maintain a blustery 64 degrees inside our home. But it does.


I spend the vast majority of my time during the summer inside anywhere that it is climate-controlled, preferably where I have control of the thermostat. While I am grateful to live in a country where air conditioning is available and with a husband who appreciates the cold air, too. This really is a necessity for me, and many other MS patients, who are deeply affected by extreme temperatures at either end of the thermometer. I wish it was simply a matter of heat making me feel uncomfortable. Or me disliking being hot. However, when I overheat, it is much more serious than that. My body begins to buzz and vibrate everywhere, from the inside. All of my symptoms are magnified, which means my tremors are exaggerated (even in my voice and my eyes), I tingle from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, and most importantly, I suffer from  what is called Uhthoff’s Phenomenon, which occurs due to optic nerve damage. This is by far the scariest of my heat-induced symptoms because it causes my vision to get blurry, distorted, lose borders, or go away entirely. (Just a side-note that this can also happen when exercising, which is always a balancing act walking that very fine line between working hard, and over-working.). So naturally, I do everything within my power to avoid all of it by staying cool. In summer months, a look inside my bag will reveal snap and break ice packs, a mister, a hat to keep the sun off my face, and a good old fashioned folding fan.

Summer beach house with the family… private beach entrance means I can come in and out of the heat as needed.

When I was still working, I jumped through unbelievable hoops to have air conditioning installed in my classroom, which was a process that did not happen quickly or easily. The principal of my building at the time was not happy about my request, and she even told me that people who had made such requests in the past were told to get a job elsewhere. I didn’t. Because the Americans with Disabilities Act requires employers to make reasonable accommodations such as this one. It was a simple solution to maintain my ability to continue to do my job, and everyone acted like it was a gift. I often had co-workers tell me “it must be nice to have AC in your classroom”, to which I always responded I’d trade the air conditioning in a second for a healthy immune system. I would have preferred to be healthy and hot than to require this accommodation in order to perform my job.

While air conditioning is my savior during the oppressive heat and humidity, I do experience “cabin fever” as the lazy days of summer lead to autumn. I am especially worried about it this year because I have been isolating so much, and missing seeing some of my favorite people. I am just hoping that somehow we get a more temperate summer so that I can enjoy some time outdoors (with or without loved ones),  soaking up some Vitamin D, without fear of losing my vision due to overheating. Thinking back to past summers and how antsy I get by being constantly held hostage by my need to stay cool, makes thinking about this one incredibly intimidating.

I dream about the days before MS limited my time at a place I love so much.

In the long run, I always do what I have to do because I have been doing it so long that it’s all I know. The point of this whole entry is that heat intolerance is real, and many MS patients suffer from it because we can not thermoregulate like others do. In other words, our inner thermostats are broken. Just a few years back, we lost one of our own because before she realized how overheated she was, she had become paralyzed and could not even speak. She was rushed to the hospital but because she could not thermoregulate, her core temperature had risen to 107 degrees, and despite being packed in ice, she did not make it.

If you are heat intolerant, please be prepared, and educate those around you so that they can help you if need be. No one wants to see another warrior succumb so tragically and unnecessarily. Even though I have been aware of my heat intolerance for many years now, it took me  a long time to realize just how serious it can be. Now, there’s no way I could ever forget.

(RIP, Sarah.)

Diagnosiversary

Leave a reply

June 2 is a very special day for me. It’s a random day, and it probably means nothing to anyone but me (and possibly my husband). It’s an anniversary that does not celebrate a milestone or an accomplishment, but June 2, 2003 is a date that I will never forget. On that day, I was given a diagnosis that undoubtedly has changed the course of my life.

Every year on June 2, I am brought back to that day, now eighteen years ago. I relive the details of the day moment by moment. I remember what I ate for breakfast (oatmeal), and I remember what I was wearing (white and blue plaid capri pants, a blue button down shirt, and white and blue sneakers). I remember stopping at Dunkin Donuts for a large iced coffee (black) on the way to school. I remember the panic attacks. All. Day. Long. I remember that I had permission to leave after my last teaching period so that I could get to my appointment on time. I remember that my appointment was at 2:30, and I remember that Bruce took a half a day so that he could go with me.

So we got in the car, not talking to each other at all. On the way to the neurology appointment, we stopped at the radiology office to pick up a copy of the MRI results, just in case the doctor hadn’t yet received them. They kindly folded the paper and put it inside an envelope. In the elevator up to the doctor’s office, Bruce asked me if I was going to open the envelope. Without hesitation I said no way. I knew I wouldn’t understand what was written there, and why not just have these last moments together before the inevitable?

We sat in the doctor’s office, staring at each other, waiting for for him to deliver the news. We didn’t talk. I was too busy having one panic attack after another to even attempt a conversation. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally heard his footsteps approaching. We heard him pause outside the door, and we heard him pull my chart out of the bin outside the room. Then, to our complete and utter shock, we heard him let out a huge sigh, before knocking once and entering the room.

The doctor walked in, greeted us, and told us that I have Multiple Sclerosis. From that moment on, it was as if I was watching someone else’s life unfold. I only heard bits and pieces because my mind began racing. To be fair, I was not yet educated on MS, but at that moment, it felt like I was given a death sentence. We know now that MS is fatal in only the rarest, most severe of cases, yet there was a part of me that did, indeed, die that day. The road ahead of me required a complicated detour that I was not sure I could even navigate.

We left the doctor’s office in a total daze. Suddenly we were occupying space in a world that was completely different for us, yet for everyone else it was unchanged. In this drastically different world, what did we do? We went to Target. I guess we were searching for some sense of normalcy in this new, unknown world of ours. We sat in the car afterwards and called our families to share the news. It wasn’t exactly the kind of news I looked forward to delivering, but at least I finally had an answer. After months of appointments, X-rays, MRIs, blood work, evoked potentials, and cognitive and neurological tests, I was done. It’s not what I wanted nor what I expected, but it was something. The phone calls I made on June 2, 2003 were some of the most difficult conversations I have ever had in my entire life.

Following my diagnosis, Bruce and I holed up at home, and didn’t speak to many people other than each other. Some friends called to offer support, and others dropped off the face of the earth. All the relationships in my life were tested, and certainly the dynamic within them shifted. I learned a lot about my friends, and mourned the loss of many who did not know how to deal with my diagnosis. Sadly, this happens with every relapse, but 18 years later, my coping mechanism for that kind of loss has been fine-tuned, and I have built a support system that holds up.

These women right here, my MS sisters, have never left my side, and although our initial connection was that we all have MS, we could not be more in-tuned with each other if were sisters by blood.

On this day every year, I take inventory of my life since diagnosis. It has not been an easy journey, but it has been amazingly rewarding in so many ways. Since my diagnosis, I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be. Everyone has an inner strength, but not everyone realizes it because you don’t summon that strength until you need it. I have discovered my voice to educate and to raise awareness, and my passion for patient advocacy. These are integral parts of who I am, and without MS I don’t know who I’d be right now. One thing I know for sure is that on my diagnosiversary, I always give thanks to the powers that be for all of the parts of me that MS has made better, and for all the things I am still capable of doing despite the MonSter.

I. Am. Strong.

For 18 years I have acknowledged the importance of my diagnosiversary, and this year is no different. I’m still grateful for the many gifts I’ve been given, and even though my journey has not always been an easy one, I know that every bump in the road makes me a stronger, better version of myself. I don’t celebrate the anniversary that falls on this day. I celebrate all the things that I have managed to accomplish, all the things I can do, and all the things I am, MS and all.

I would be lost without this guy, my rock, who has been at my side every step of the way, regardless how rough the terrain has been. **photo credit: Idalia Photography**

Inclusivity

Leave a reply

So there is an activewear subscription box that people are loving, the price is great, and I’d love to be able to get it. There are not many subscription boxes for bigger people, and even Yoga Club Box, which I had an affiliate partnership with, stopped stocking my size… unless I wanted long sleeves (which I can’t work out in since I am heat intolerant), or tank tops, which I am very self-conscious in. I’m not going to name this box, but the outfits are adorable and I’d love to wear them. However, they are not size inclusive.

When I see their ads come up on Instagram or Facebook, I always comment about them not offering extended sizing. Usually I get a lot of likes from other people who feel the same way as I do: excluded because they do not fit into the societal standard of what the female body “should” be. I feel it’s my duty to let these companies know that we come in all shapes and sizes, and being non-inclusive alienates a large percentage of the population. I firmly believe that there is money to be made on us bigger-bodied, active women who want cute outfits just like our thinner counterparts. Once I make my comment about size-inclusivity, that’s where it usually ends.

Except this past weekend. I made my usual comment on their ad (on Instagram) and got my usual likes from others who support my reasoning. However, in addition to the usual likes, someone tagged me in a post by someone else that stated something to the effect that there is no need to extend sizing, it can just be motivation for bigger people to lose weight so they, too,  can get a subscription.  This did not sit well with me.

The post that started it.

As I rolled this info around my head for a bit, I had a few thoughts that I could not shake. One was that the other girl tagged me. I think she sees that I always comment on this company’s ads and she wanted me to see how ridiculous a comment that was. And while I normally don’t engage with people like this clearly perfect female specimen, I (after being super cranky because I had a bad MS day and I was frustrated), felt the need to stand up to this kind of mindset that is far too common among women particularly.

So this woman decided to share her wisdom, although when I asked her where she earned her degrees from she didn’t answer, especially when she said that getting smaller is “more healthier”, something this language lover ran with. She insisted that there’s no such thing as bigger frames, thicker bones, or medical reasons why someone might not be able to attain the perfect body that she clearly has. She then made it obvious to me when she said something like, “Wait are you big boned, muscular, or do you suffer chronic illnesses? I’m so confused!” I know you are honey. Because your tiny little brain can’t understand that none of those things are mutually exclusive of the other, and that none of these are reasons for a company to not be size-inclusive, which is how I ended it…

But not before she stalked my feed (which I don’t mind at all), and proceeded to talk about my “flabby body” and the “sag in my arm and belly.” Then she said “ok you do you, boo!” (which I did not appreciate but ignored because you just can’t fix stupid). Clearly not an ounce of compassion to be had, and kindness must not exist in her world.

This is the photo that sparked the comments about my flab and sags.

So I left it where I said, and told her to take good care of herself. Like I said, I normally do not engage with trolls like this, but her ignorance was palpable and I felt the need, not just for me but on behalf of the girl who tagged me and all the bigger bodies out there, to school her. I must have done well because she did not respond further. I already gave her more energy than she deserved, but I felt she needed to hear what I had to say.

Sadly, this is not an isolated incident. How is anyone supposed to make progress on a weight loss journey if they aren’t given some grace? We are ostracized for being bigger, and not supported on a journey to get smaller because people like Ms. Perfect can’t see the big picture. Just like this activewear subscription box. As a big girl, I love it when I have cute outfits to wear for working out, and it’s motivating to feel like you look cute while doing it. But it just doesn’t happen often enough because not everyone is size-inclusive.

No weight loss journey happens healthily overnight. These pictures were taken 6 years apart to the day. I will forever be a work in progress and I am ok with that.

The simple truth is that we are given this vessel that we occupy and it’s temporary. Think of a pitcher of water, a glass of water, and a thimble of water. All are different shapes and sizes. But what’s inside? Water. All the same! When will society understand this point? What we are inside is the important part. And as Bryan Kest, a famous yogi who speaks so openly on this matter says, “Isn’t it our differences that make us beautiful?”

This shirt is my affirmation that no matter what anyone says, and no matter my shape or size, I am enough.

I think so. I just wish the rest of the world could understand it too. It doesn’t take a lot to be compassionate and kind, and understand that no two human beings will have the same exact body size and shape, but neither is inferior to the other.

Sorry, “Boo”. You do you and keep your ignorant opinions to yourself. The rest of us will keep on working on ourselves while Karma takes care of you!

This is my rant to the troll.

Yoga Warrior

Leave a reply

In early March, I entered into a competition known as Yoga Warrior 2021, sponsored by Yoga Journal Magazine. I didn’t think I would make it that far in the competition for many reasons, not least of which is the size and shape of my body. But the winner would earn the title, a double page feature in Yoga Journal Magazine as well as $10k. From day one, I knew that if I would be lucky enough to win that the money would be directly donated to Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary, where I have been volunteering for the last 4 years.

This was part of my profile for the competition.

I also wanted to win because yoga can be very intimidating for bigger bodied people, because that is generally not how yogis are represented. For the longest time, I didn’t practice in a traditional studio because I was too scared to walk through the doors. I knew I wouldn’t see anyone who looked like me, and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up, so I practiced in the comfort of my trainer’s house, where I knew I was supported and never judged. (Below is a glance of Yoga Journal Magazine covers, none of which feature a yogi who looks like me!)

 

Additionally, I wanted to raise awareness of chronic illnesses and bring the conversations about them to the forefront. Ultimately I had the support of friends, former students, family, and perfect strangers who agreed with what I stand for. (Here is where I say thank you to all who supported me and who connected [or re-connected] with loved ones near and far, and I apologize for the daily text blast reminders to vote!).

I never expected that I would place 2nd in the quarter final round, after making it through five rounds of competition. I can’t be ashamed of placing there, as the quarter finals represented the top 1% of competitors worldwide. But in the back of my mind, unlike when I started the competition, I actually believed I had a chance at winning the whole thing, thanks to the encouragement of some of my favorite, most inspirational yogis (you know who you are!).

My final placement in the competition… if I could have made it just two more rounds…

I did a live video where I cried, not tears that I had been eliminated, but tears that there was a lot of un-yogi-like behavior among the people in my bracket, and also because I felt like I had lost this huge platform to show that anyone can do yoga, that chronic illnesses need to be discussed (and how yoga can help manage them), and the cash prize that would have been donated to Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary was seemingly stolen right out of my hands.

While the competition left a sour taste in my mouth, and I certainly won’t enter it ever again, I feel like I won. Those re-connections I talked about are real, and I treasure them. And I felt so loved and supported by my people. And I’m actually thankful for it because it had led me to bigger and better projects in the works!

This is just one example of the love I was shown… This was from a former student who is now a full-grown, married man in his 30’s, ut clearly still so dear to my heart.

I’m not sure if the competition had anything to do with it, but I was contacted by the Director of Communities of the amazing Lyfebulb. Me, being skeptical because I had a mailbox full of requests in my DMs everyday asking me to buy their “service” to get votes, I asked her what the catch was. Her response was simply “literally nothing”.

Fast forward to interviewing with her, and then interviewing with the FEMALE CEO and founder (hallelujah for girl power!), I am officially the newest ambassador, which means I can affect true change in the world of chronic illnesses and making that world more patient-centered. Holy cow! How perfectly aligned with my own personal mission!

And the title? Well screw the title. I have been living with the title of Warrior since long before I was practicing yoga. And a competition where votes can be purchased doesn’t necessarily make the winner a Warrior. Not winning the competition does not strip me of the title Warrior, which I wear proudly every damn day of my life, not just during a silly competition. The true rewards were really the connections re-established and the support of so many.

And as far as my dogs at Marty’s Place go, any opportunities with Lyfebulb that are paid ones, I have already established that those funds will be sent directly to the sanctuary. I know it’s not $10k but it’s what I can do with this present opportunity.

Marty’s Place will always have my heart and I will always do what I can for these special senior dogs.

And more is happening that I am not at liberty  to discuss just yet, but it is equally as exciting, and I’m pretty sure that putting myself out there for this competition made things happen.

It just goes to show that even when you don’t win, you really do. It’s just a shift in perspective and recalling your purpose to help you understand it. And it’s always in hindsight, because hindsight is always 20/20.

This is the true meaning of my blog… making lemons out of lemonade. I could have been sucking on those lemons when I was edged out of the competition. But instead, I am grateful for it because now my glass is overflowing with the sweetest lemonade I have ever tasted.

Cheers!

 

One Step Closer

Leave a reply

I know I’m not alone when I say that I have been deeply affected by the events of the last year. We were all ushered into stay-at-home orders and at that time so little was known about the Corona virus that we (by and large), as a collective whole, did what we had to do. We eagerly awaited news of when we could resume our “normal” lives. I don’t think any of us could have foreseen an entire year of our lives flying by with us still in the same position as when it all started, yet sadly, this is the case for so many.

I am not the most social person, but there are definitely moments I have missed beyond words. Time spent with my MS family, practicing yoga face to face with real people rather than computer screens, visits with my beloved former students, and hugs from family and friends, are just a few examples of what I long for.

I stumbled across this photo of me and one of my MS sisters, and was struck buy the joy on my face… and this was taken when we saw each other at least once a week or even more. God, I miss that.

Milestones have been missed by millions of people: birthdays, graduations, baby and bridal showers, and even weddings… I should know because my own wedding that has been planned since 2017 has been postponed twice now, with the safety of my family and friends at the forefront. By the time we celebrate (hopefully), this event will be five years in the making! If I wasn’t already married, I would have just gone and gotten married like Bruce and I did the first time. But this time it’s different. This is a celebration of life after a series of medical challenges that we have survived together and want to share that feeling with those we love, and so I will postpone it as many times as I have to, ensuring that we get the dream wedding we never had.

Once the vaccine started rolling out, I saw that it was going to be a battle just to get an appointment. As a person living with 3-4 “co-morbidities”, I became eligible in stage 1b of the vaccination plan here in NJ. At first I said I would never get the vaccine…. but after studying endlessly through trial data I found the safety profiles of both vaccines initially approved for emergency use authorization quite impressive, and efficacy even more so. And after hearing and seeing the horror stories of those who have had the virus, I came to the conclusion that I was WAY more scared of getting COVID than I was of getting the vaccine.

So I began to search and search and search for an appointment anywhere, and everywhere. Bruce’s company offered the vaccine to all their employees, and I was devastated that it was not extended to include spouses. He had to drive to Scranton, PA (over two hours driving) to get his, and it was well worth it.  I would have done the same.

Yup! We are both fully vaccinated!

Every site I went to said what time appointments would be opening up, and I had my three devices plus Bruce on his, just waiting. I would jump on and within 1 minute submit my info and was given a response that all the appointments were taken. I was devastated. No matter how hard I tried, this was the result. Finally, after spending an entire day all over the various websites I turned off all of my devices and threw my hands up thinking it just wasn’t going to happen for me, and I have already been at home this long, what’s a little longer?

This is the response I got within one minute of the site accepting appointments.

To my utter surprise and disbelief, I woke up the next morning with an email from a former colleague who had seen my frustration (I posted about it), and who knows about my medical history. I’ll still never forget her kindness because somehow, after I turned off all of my devices, she got through at one in the morning and booked an appointment for me. I cried tears of happiness because I knew that this was the first step towards resuming some sense of normalcy during this very strange time in our history.

The morning of vaccine #1 and I was so incredibly excited!

So vaccine number one happened, despite a rocky start at the location as they struggled to find everything they needed while also dealing with a crowd of anxious patients waiting for their turn. People were not standing on their marks to remain distanced, and I kept telling them to back off or get back on their line. When I finally got called for my turn, they were so apologetic, and just as I told the irritated masses, I told them I was just grateful to be there and I would have waited as long as I had to. The first dose went without incident, except maybe a little sore arm. No big deal.

This was the line full of cranky people who couldn’t just be grateful.

I finally was beginning to reclaim some of my power because of knew I was on the path to ease my anxiety and newfound agoraphobia that had begun to creep into my life during the course of the last year.

Vaccine #1 as it happened!

My second dose went so much more smoothly, and clearly this vaccination site had ironed out the kinks in the four weeks between my doses. People on line were still complaining and not on their marks, but I just kept telling them to get back to their spots and that I was just grateful to be there. I thanked all the people who were working so hard to make this happen for everyone there, because they were taking so much heat from unpleasant people. Everyone is doing their best (with very little guidance) and they deserve kindness. This is the time to be kind, not angry, especially since they had appointments while many others have not had theirs.

Second dose done!

In any event, I had my second dose and by the first week in March I will reach full efficacy. I had no side effects (except a sore arm) and the whole experience was 100% worth it. I’m starting to reclaim my power and we even have planned a date for the first week in March to go to our favorite place and celebrate. Without fear.

The proof I will need going forward, and I am so grateful for it.

I understand that “normal” is still quite far from where we are today, but where we are today is very different than where we were a year ago. And being the glass half-full girl, I have to hope that a year from now, we will be even better yet.

It’s a personal decision for each of us whether or not to get vaccinated. I did what I know is right for me, given all of my medical challenges, and also for my mental state. I also feel a debt of gratitude towards the medical science that has allowed me to manage it all and maintain myself in the best health possible under the circumstances, and I feel the same way about the vaccines that are available now. I do believe they will be more accessible shortly, and that everyone who wants it will be able to get it.

I imagine that there was always trepidation where it comes to new treatments and vaccines, but where would we be if kids were still dying from Measles and Mumps. Or when people suffered so badly from Polio. I trust the science. Hell I even gave my body to science for two years as a human guinea pig in a clinical trial. Each of us has to do what we feel is right for our own bodies (and the greater good)… and as for me, I could not be more grateful to be one step closer to “normal “, whatever that looks like.

PS. Laura, I will never forget how you helped me. Thank you for being my angel!

Pinktober

Leave a reply

In honor of Pinktober (Breast Cancer Awareness Month), I am re-sharing a blog entry that discusses how I felt when I learned of my breast cancer diagnosis on New Years’ Eve eve in 2016. I am dedicating this to all my pink sisters out there, whether they are survivors, currently fighting, or sadly, have lost their battle.

It came. We fought. I won.

Other than having MS, I’m generally a pretty healthy person. I seldom get sick because I’m so careful about how I live my life. I exercise, I eat well, and as my former students would attest to, I’m slightly germ-phobic. I don’t consider that a negative trait because I’m sure that’s how I remain healthy. But one thing I was told early in my journey with MS, is that having one illness does not preclude me from getting others. It’s something I filed in the back of my head somewhere and have only recently discovered how true it is. 

As a woman in her 40’s, I am always on top of my wellness visits with all of my doctors. After all, I am a rule girl. I do my full body check with my dermatologist every year, get an annual physical with my primary care physician, visit my ophthalmologist once a year, see my gynecologist annually, and, of course, I get my mammograms. I have had irregular readings on my mammograms in the past, which have always revealed nothing unusual upon repeat scans. 

So this year, when I was told that they would like to take some further imaging and ultrasound if necessary, I didn’t panic. Why would I? Offering full disclosure here, I have scar tissue from a breast reduction as well as dense breasts, and being called for follow-up mammograms is not unusual under these circumstances. 

This year, unlike past years, I was told that I should see a breast specialist because the mammogram and ultrasound revealed irregularities. I still didn’t panic because I’m so used to visiting doctors and specialists of all sorts, thanks to MS. When the doctor examined me, she didn’t feel anything but she did see what the radiologist had seen on the films from the mammogram as well as on the CD of my ultrasound. When she told me that I needed to have a stereotactic biopsy, I still didn’t panic. She explained that most likely it was nothing, and if it was anything, it was stage zero and very treatable. 

The moment of panic came when I walked in the room for this biopsy, and saw the table that I was going to be lying down on during the procedure. (Think: operating table with a hole in it where I was to lie face down with the appropriate breast in the hole.) To be fair, it wasn’t scary at all, and the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

After the procedure, I was told that I would hear my results within 4-5 business days. The timing was tight because of the holiday falling smack dab in there. I debated with myself endlessly about whether it would be better to hear before New Year’s Eve, or continue to not know anything until after the holidays. Ultimately the choice was not mine, and I got the call on New Year’s Eve eve. 

With my sister on one side of me and Bruce on the other, I sat and listened to words I never expected to hear: it’s cancer. I promptly scheduled an appointment with the breast specialist for her first available appointment in order to discuss the biopsy findings further and also to come up with the appropriate treatment plan. As of the publishing of this entry, that appointment has not yet happened.

I wear these sneakers proudly, not just in October, but all year round.

It’s a weird feeling to hear this kind of news. Scary, of course, but also relieved that I am a proactive patient and this has been caught early with a very positive prognosis. Still, I feel like I’m somehow living someone else’s life even though I know full well that having MS doesn’t guarantee me immunity from other illnesses. 

One thing I have never done is ask “why me?”, not referring to Multiple Sclerosis, and not in this situation either. The truth is, that I believe in the universe, no matter what it decides to dole out to me. By overcoming obstacles in our path, we are made stronger. When I was diagnosed with MS I never questioned it, and my journey has brought me many gifts and my mission has become more and more clear the longer it has been a part of my life.

The lotus mudra over my head is very significant. The beautiful lotus flower, which gets its start in the dirtiest, muddiest of waters, and emerges with beauty like no other flower.

So here I am, starting the new year, ready to fight another fight. I’m not sure what the universe has in store for me, but I do know that I would not be given anything more than I can handle.  I also know that somewhere along this next part of my journey, my purpose will become apparent just as it always has in the past. 

The lesson for all of us here is the following: sulking, questioning, and negativity are all a waste of our precious energy. Instead, let’s use our energy in productive ways.  I, for one, propose a toast to all of us warriors out there, fighting to overcome whatever physical or emotional obstacles we are faced with. Grab a glass of lemonade (half-full, obviously), and be grateful for your blessings as well as your challenges, because both are a part of living a full and rewarding life. I’m looking ahead at 2017, cancer and all, and I can’t even imagine how much stronger I will be next year at this time. Cheers!

Every single woman who fight or has fought breast cancer is a warrior, and we all have a warrior within us.

Depression

Leave a reply

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in a place we are not accustomed to. I’m not talking about a physical space, but rather the space which occupies our minds. For this glass-half-full girl, it is very difficult when my mind wanders off the sunny path I usually follow.

This is the usual sunny path I follow.

People with chronic illnesses are definitely more subject to suffering from depression than your average, healthy person, and many of us do take antidepressants to help us manage the weight of it all. But even with medications, there are times when depression can overtake us, and that’s ok. One of my MS sisters told me she “doesn’t live there but she visits on occasion.”  I love this analogy because it makes me feel like it’s ok, especially because I so strongly believe that as human beings, we need to experience the whole range of emotions in order to appreciate everything in our world.

My beautiful, kind, understanding, and loving MS sister, Mary and I always have conversations like the one that inspired this entry.

For me, my frustration has been building since I self-quarantined ahead of our state’s mandate to do so. From March until June, we were also social distancing at home since Bruce was going out to get what we needed, and since I am highly vulnerable, we thought that we couldn’t be too careful. We kept ourselves distanced until halfway through June when I actually left the house to take my twice a year infusion for MS. Although I am generally all for staying home and relaxing, it’s quite different when your vulnerability inhibits your actions and behavior. When it’s not really your choice anymore, things become harder to handle and frustration sets in. With no end in sight and being away from all the people I love, added to the divisiveness of our country and the social injustices brought to the forefront pushed me into the land of depression. I tried to keep it at a minimum by throwing myself into yoga At least twice a day (so thankful for Zoom!) and meditating at least five times a day. It was all I could do to keep my mind off the reality of the unprecedented times that have been enveloping us.

My at-home yoga practice has helped me survive these dark times.

Plus a solid mediation practice too.

Not being able to see my squad during those times was so hard that I feared I’d be visiting the land of depression for way longer than I cared to, and longer than I ever had stayed before. But these times are different than any other ones that any of us have ever lived through in the past, and so I realized  I had to grant myself some grace and allow my heart to feel what it needed to feel. I cried when I wanted to, and laughed occasionally, I also spent time away from social media and the news, finding disconnected activities to do daily. No one can argue that these are some weighty times. Everything seems heavy and we sensitive souls feel like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.

This is my MS family, the leaders of my squad, the ones who REALLY get it.

Trying not to focus on the above, I have always struggled with the relationships In my life that have changed, for reasons I don’t understand but I am working hard to accept. I generally find comfort in my MS sisters, but because we were unable to see each other like we used to it was only recently that we were finally able to spend any quality time together. We saw each other last week (but no hugs) at an outdoor lunch. All of these things together have been adding to the weight I’m carrying that is diametrically opposed to who I am. I mean I cried for six hours the other day, which is so NOT me, especially considering that I often can’t cry even when I want to, thanks to the antidepressants that usually help maintain my emotional stability!

I recognize this place, as I (like my MS sister) do visit occasionally. While I am here, I take note of all of my feelings: the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I can further appreciate all of the amazing things that I am blessed with when I leave. And I always leave, knowing full well that it’s ok to come back to visit, but it just isn’t where I live.

I love my Mary so much, and luckily we both have the same attitude. Visiting the land of depression is natural, but living there would be our downfall.

Calm

Leave a reply

Even though I am slowly getting back to some of my regular, pre-covid activities, I am still extra careful as I am considered among the vulnerable. Bru and I went and dined outdoors at our favorite place, I began working out with my personal trainer again, and I’m even going back to my chiropractor this week. While I welcome these activities (with the proper precautions in place of course), my safe place remains our home… the one that we built together over eight years ago.

Reunited with the best trainer ever and it feels so good….

With all the chaos in the world politically, socially, and personally, I have remained dedicated to my daily yoga practice and meditation to calm the waters and keep me at peace. This week I participated in the annual Global Mala with the NJ Yoga Collective in which those who participate move and breathe together through 108 Sun Salutations. This year the Mala was aligned with the UN’s International Day of Peace, with the theme being “Shaping Peace Together”. Although I have participated in 108 Sun Salutations before, having this intention of peace, along with hundreds of other yoga practitioners, it took on a whole new meaning for me.

One of my “disconnected” activities during the pandemic has been my scratch pad, and I made this to get me ready.

As always, various instructors led us through their assigned number of Sun Salutations, each in their own style, and each with their own words of empowerment to spread peace the way it is meant to be. It is for this reason that I love taking classes with all different instructors because I love the language they choose to use, and the way they each talk about the deeper parts of yoga that extend far beyond the physical practice.

Before the practice… feeling fine!

The best thing happened as I moved in sync with everyone else, whether they too were on zoom, or if they ventured out to practice in person (with limited spots and socially distanced, of course), I found myself more at peace (despite my heightened anxiety) than I have been since before I even heard the word COVID.

Nothing else mattered as I moved through each flow, feeling the Prana (breath), or life force work its way through my body and sending out my intention of peace to the entire world. I didn’t think about numbers or counting, or anything except the connection I was having to my own energy and the energy of all those who were moving and breathing with me. This moving meditation is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced, and the most amazing thing was how light I felt afterwards.

One of my favorite instructors took a spot so I had to get a picture “with” her.

For months I’ve been feeling the weight of the world upon my shoulders, just like many other sensitive souls. Taking a break to get rid of the burden, no matter how short-lived is worth every single chaturanga, every single forward fold, every single downward facing dog.

I know that the world is going to be heavy for a while. And although I’m not happy about it, I know that my yoga practice, even if done on my own, can always bring me to that incredibly sweet spot where I can find bliss regardless of how the world is unfolding around me.

AFTER: what an uplifting, powerful, and peaceful experience.

I am so grateful for this practice that allows me time to not feel stressed, not feel anxious, to not panic. This is why I began practicing yoga in the first place. I never thought it would take center stage in my life, but here we are.

Sometimes when times are the most difficult, that’s when you find the most beauty. It’s harder to see, and it takes some practice getting used to it, but I guarantee it is there if you just look hard enough to find it.

Vacation

Leave a reply

Hello beautiful readers! I am on vacation with my family, but I will be back with fresh content on September 8! In the meantime, enjoy some beautiful pictures of the beach! Please, everyone… stay safe and wear a mask! “See” you in two weeks!

I got up for sunrise yoga but I was a hair too late!

Cotton Candy skies at sunset…

Family dinner!