Monthly Archives: October 2020

Optimism

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It’s so hard to know what to write about during these extremely trying times, so this week’s entry is going to be short and to the point. Sometimes I feel like we are all living a collective nightmare: a country divided, a pandemic getting worse instead of better, and social issues that have been ignored for so many years. I keep hoping that we are going to wake up, breathe a sigh of relief and talk about what a horrible dream we shared. But I am, and always will be the consummate optimist and so I offer a few things that always make me feel better.

In my little quaran-team bubble are very few people. Basically we are a crew of seven who have remained vigilant since we are the only people that truly interact with each other. I am not talking about doctor appointments or quick “drive-by” visits, but the ones with whom we can spend time with indoors, free from masks, and hugs are not only allowed, but encouraged because they are the only ones we share these simple pleasures with.

My team. I would be lost without them.

Being in our little bubble brings a false sense of security when we are together. We can forget the whole world around us and focus on each other. Quite honestly, we focus on each other now more than ever and as long as everyone in our bubble is ok then we are happy. Sure, we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like, but we treasure our time together that much more. If we lived even half an hour closer things would be better, but for now we are grateful for the love and support, not to mention the strength that we gather from each other.

The other thing that really helps me see more clearly is spending time in nature, especially at the most beautiful time of the year in the Northeast. It’s so easy for me to get lost in the sights, the sounds, and the smells of the season. It’s also a reminder that the world is so much bigger than us. It’s easy to be reminded of all the good that clearly remains when you filter out the external forces of human beings that make us feel stressed out. It is especially powerful to meditate in nature, which is one of my favorite things to do, and at this point I will do just about anything to quiet the “chatter between the ears” to give myself the time I need to re-connect with all that is good, because it makes me better able to deal with the things I can not control.

These are all images that brought me solace last week.

So during these difficult times, i encourage you all to find your true pleasures… the small things that help you find comfort, even if only temporarily. And right now, isn’t a temporary step back better than nothing?

Autumn

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Traditionally this has always been my favorite time of the year. If it seems like this entry is late to be talking about the fall, that’s because it feels like it came so late this year, and it seems to arrive later and later every year. In fact, it seems to have arrived just in the last week here in NJ, and I have been eagerly awaiting it. There is nothing I love more than the cool summer nights because it’s a sign from Mother Nature that autumn is approaching. I am constantly awestruck by the beauty of the fall. I love the colors of the leaves turning. I love the crisp fall wind. I love the faint smell of fireplaces warming up chilly homes. I love the sound of the rustling leaves. I love wearing hoodies and Uggs. In my past life, I loved the excitement of a new school year, because one of the greatest things about being a teacher is getting a fresh start every single year.

This is just one part of fall that make me so happy!

When I was little, I always excitedly prepared for the beginning of the school year. I carefully assembled my binder, making sure that each subject had the exact same number of loose-leaf pages. I had my pencil case stuffed to the max with every single color pen, pencils, highlighters, and whiteout. I could spend hours roaming around the school supplies aisles anywhere I went, just to make sure I had everything I could possibly need. I even did the same thing a few years back when I committed to Yoga Teacher Training. This excitement continued for me through my college years, and eventually through all my teaching years. I spent dollars upon dollars making sure I would have a well-stocked, beautifully decorated classroom. I spent many days prior to the contractual school year preparing my classroom so that my new batch of students would feel welcomed on day one.

All of these supplies and decorations were purchased out of my own pocket, just to make sure all students felt comfortable in my classroom.

These days,  I am more at peace during this time of year than ever before. Obviously I still love everything about this time of the year, but every year I feel less and less nostalgic about the one piece that is missing for me. My teacher friends are back in school mode, dealing with more stress than ever, and although I don’t wish it for them, I am grateful that it isn’t me. On the one hand, I ache for the days when I was anticipating the new school year. It’s a strange combination of excitement and apprehension, but I always found it exhilarating. But, on the other hand, I have this new life that I have settled into, that is so very fulfilling without a fraction of the stress that is so unfairly placed upon educators.

I still get to enjoy the colors of the season. I still get to enjoy the fall wind. I still get to enjoy the faint smell of fireplaces. I still get to enjoy the sound of rustling leaves. I still get to enjoy wearing hoodies and Uggs, and even more so now that I don’t have to comply with a dress code that does not include those items! But instead of looking forward to a new school year, I look forward to new traditions. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I love and appreciate my favorite parts of the fall even more now that I get to take the time to be fully present in the here and now. Everything seems more beautiful to me now because I take the time to truly embrace the simple pleasures in life. I even get to spend quality time with my loved ones whenever I want to (COVID aside), even though school has started because I no longer wear those blinders that kept me focused on one thing, and one thing only: my job. Bruce and I have started a new tradition the last few years by vacationing towards the end of September because it’s such a great time to head north to our favorite spot in Vermont. Of course this year we are not doing that because there is a pandemic happening, but it is a tradition that we will, without a doubt, come back to once it is safe again.

Bring me back to my happy place!

Taking a vacation whenever we want, and in September no less? It was not even a possibility that I would entertain in my old life. And even six years later, I still feel like such a rebel for all that I can do without thinking about 160 other people before thinking about my own well-being. Selfish? Perhaps. Regrets? None!

Photo credit: Jin at Fotos for the Future

Pinktober

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In honor of Pinktober (Breast Cancer Awareness Month), I am re-sharing a blog entry that discusses how I felt when I learned of my breast cancer diagnosis on New Years’ Eve eve in 2016. I am dedicating this to all my pink sisters out there, whether they are survivors, currently fighting, or sadly, have lost their battle.

It came. We fought. I won.

Other than having MS, I’m generally a pretty healthy person. I seldom get sick because I’m so careful about how I live my life. I exercise, I eat well, and as my former students would attest to, I’m slightly germ-phobic. I don’t consider that a negative trait because I’m sure that’s how I remain healthy. But one thing I was told early in my journey with MS, is that having one illness does not preclude me from getting others. It’s something I filed in the back of my head somewhere and have only recently discovered how true it is. 

As a woman in her 40’s, I am always on top of my wellness visits with all of my doctors. After all, I am a rule girl. I do my full body check with my dermatologist every year, get an annual physical with my primary care physician, visit my ophthalmologist once a year, see my gynecologist annually, and, of course, I get my mammograms. I have had irregular readings on my mammograms in the past, which have always revealed nothing unusual upon repeat scans. 

So this year, when I was told that they would like to take some further imaging and ultrasound if necessary, I didn’t panic. Why would I? Offering full disclosure here, I have scar tissue from a breast reduction as well as dense breasts, and being called for follow-up mammograms is not unusual under these circumstances. 

This year, unlike past years, I was told that I should see a breast specialist because the mammogram and ultrasound revealed irregularities. I still didn’t panic because I’m so used to visiting doctors and specialists of all sorts, thanks to MS. When the doctor examined me, she didn’t feel anything but she did see what the radiologist had seen on the films from the mammogram as well as on the CD of my ultrasound. When she told me that I needed to have a stereotactic biopsy, I still didn’t panic. She explained that most likely it was nothing, and if it was anything, it was stage zero and very treatable. 

The moment of panic came when I walked in the room for this biopsy, and saw the table that I was going to be lying down on during the procedure. (Think: operating table with a hole in it where I was to lie face down with the appropriate breast in the hole.) To be fair, it wasn’t scary at all, and the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

After the procedure, I was told that I would hear my results within 4-5 business days. The timing was tight because of the holiday falling smack dab in there. I debated with myself endlessly about whether it would be better to hear before New Year’s Eve, or continue to not know anything until after the holidays. Ultimately the choice was not mine, and I got the call on New Year’s Eve eve. 

With my sister on one side of me and Bruce on the other, I sat and listened to words I never expected to hear: it’s cancer. I promptly scheduled an appointment with the breast specialist for her first available appointment in order to discuss the biopsy findings further and also to come up with the appropriate treatment plan. As of the publishing of this entry, that appointment has not yet happened.

I wear these sneakers proudly, not just in October, but all year round.

It’s a weird feeling to hear this kind of news. Scary, of course, but also relieved that I am a proactive patient and this has been caught early with a very positive prognosis. Still, I feel like I’m somehow living someone else’s life even though I know full well that having MS doesn’t guarantee me immunity from other illnesses. 

One thing I have never done is ask “why me?”, not referring to Multiple Sclerosis, and not in this situation either. The truth is, that I believe in the universe, no matter what it decides to dole out to me. By overcoming obstacles in our path, we are made stronger. When I was diagnosed with MS I never questioned it, and my journey has brought me many gifts and my mission has become more and more clear the longer it has been a part of my life.

The lotus mudra over my head is very significant. The beautiful lotus flower, which gets its start in the dirtiest, muddiest of waters, and emerges with beauty like no other flower.

So here I am, starting the new year, ready to fight another fight. I’m not sure what the universe has in store for me, but I do know that I would not be given anything more than I can handle.  I also know that somewhere along this next part of my journey, my purpose will become apparent just as it always has in the past. 

The lesson for all of us here is the following: sulking, questioning, and negativity are all a waste of our precious energy. Instead, let’s use our energy in productive ways.  I, for one, propose a toast to all of us warriors out there, fighting to overcome whatever physical or emotional obstacles we are faced with. Grab a glass of lemonade (half-full, obviously), and be grateful for your blessings as well as your challenges, because both are a part of living a full and rewarding life. I’m looking ahead at 2017, cancer and all, and I can’t even imagine how much stronger I will be next year at this time. Cheers!

Every single woman who fight or has fought breast cancer is a warrior, and we all have a warrior within us.

Depression

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Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in a place we are not accustomed to. I’m not talking about a physical space, but rather the space which occupies our minds. For this glass-half-full girl, it is very difficult when my mind wanders off the sunny path I usually follow.

This is the usual sunny path I follow.

People with chronic illnesses are definitely more subject to suffering from depression than your average, healthy person, and many of us do take antidepressants to help us manage the weight of it all. But even with medications, there are times when depression can overtake us, and that’s ok. One of my MS sisters told me she “doesn’t live there but she visits on occasion.”  I love this analogy because it makes me feel like it’s ok, especially because I so strongly believe that as human beings, we need to experience the whole range of emotions in order to appreciate everything in our world.

My beautiful, kind, understanding, and loving MS sister, Mary and I always have conversations like the one that inspired this entry.

For me, my frustration has been building since I self-quarantined ahead of our state’s mandate to do so. From March until June, we were also social distancing at home since Bruce was going out to get what we needed, and since I am highly vulnerable, we thought that we couldn’t be too careful. We kept ourselves distanced until halfway through June when I actually left the house to take my twice a year infusion for MS. Although I am generally all for staying home and relaxing, it’s quite different when your vulnerability inhibits your actions and behavior. When it’s not really your choice anymore, things become harder to handle and frustration sets in. With no end in sight and being away from all the people I love, added to the divisiveness of our country and the social injustices brought to the forefront pushed me into the land of depression. I tried to keep it at a minimum by throwing myself into yoga At least twice a day (so thankful for Zoom!) and meditating at least five times a day. It was all I could do to keep my mind off the reality of the unprecedented times that have been enveloping us.

My at-home yoga practice has helped me survive these dark times.

Plus a solid mediation practice too.

Not being able to see my squad during those times was so hard that I feared I’d be visiting the land of depression for way longer than I cared to, and longer than I ever had stayed before. But these times are different than any other ones that any of us have ever lived through in the past, and so I realized  I had to grant myself some grace and allow my heart to feel what it needed to feel. I cried when I wanted to, and laughed occasionally, I also spent time away from social media and the news, finding disconnected activities to do daily. No one can argue that these are some weighty times. Everything seems heavy and we sensitive souls feel like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.

This is my MS family, the leaders of my squad, the ones who REALLY get it.

Trying not to focus on the above, I have always struggled with the relationships In my life that have changed, for reasons I don’t understand but I am working hard to accept. I generally find comfort in my MS sisters, but because we were unable to see each other like we used to it was only recently that we were finally able to spend any quality time together. We saw each other last week (but no hugs) at an outdoor lunch. All of these things together have been adding to the weight I’m carrying that is diametrically opposed to who I am. I mean I cried for six hours the other day, which is so NOT me, especially considering that I often can’t cry even when I want to, thanks to the antidepressants that usually help maintain my emotional stability!

I recognize this place, as I (like my MS sister) do visit occasionally. While I am here, I take note of all of my feelings: the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I can further appreciate all of the amazing things that I am blessed with when I leave. And I always leave, knowing full well that it’s ok to come back to visit, but it just isn’t where I live.

I love my Mary so much, and luckily we both have the same attitude. Visiting the land of depression is natural, but living there would be our downfall.