Monthly Archives: July 2020

Teachers

Leave a reply

There is nothing I hate more than teacher bashing, except for being part of a profession that is generalized in incredibly negative ways. I have often heard the expression “those who can do, and those who can’t teach”. Comments are always made about “bankers’ hours” and summers off. The truth of the matter is that good teachers defy every single one of those statements. There are rotten apples in every field but in the world of education, one teacher doing something subpar damns us all.

Here I am, sitting by the brick with my name on it, commemorating the year that I was Teacher of the Year. This highest honor comes with no monetary incentives, by the way.

Today I am dedicating this blog to all the amazing teachers out there, and I hope to shed some light on how much we do for our kids that goes way above and beyond our contractual obligations. All of these anecdotes are true, from my life as well as from the lives of some of the best teachers I have ever known. Unlike other jobs out there, teachers commit for life. If any of my students, no matter how many years have gone by, ever needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat. There are more teachers like me out there than you think!

One of my teacher friends mentored a student with fairly challenging obstacles in her life. She guided this young lady as she made her way through high school. When the student was in college, she sometimes spent weekends with my friend when she needed some encouragement or just a weekend away from school. When the student’s mom passed away, my friend took a personal day so that she could attend the funeral. When the student graduated from college (with highest honors), my friend travelled out of state to attend the graduation ceremony. This student is now attending graduate school, and I have no doubt that my friend will continue to support her as she continues on her journey. There is no end to my friend’s dedication, and this student’s experience is just one example of it.

A special moment shared with this guy at his last MS Walk with me.

I could go on and on about my own “kids” and give examples of how I have shown that I commit to them forever. Not too long ago, a former student called me on a random Wednesday afternoon. Texts are definitely more common with this generation, so I was immediately panicked. I picked up the call and the kid was crying. He was having some medical issues and he was in pain. After listening to him for a minute or two, I knew what I had to do. I went to the ER with him and stayed there for hours (well into the night) because I was not going to leave his side, even though I had been out and about all day long and I was exhausted. I sacrificed my usual Thursday morning exercise class  because I couldn’t do it after such a long day the day before. I didn’t regret it then, and I don’t regret it now. I’d do it again and again for any of my kids if they needed me.

Just a sampling of my formers who all make my life complete, even those not pictured.

I have been to weddings, surprise birthday parties, baby showers, graduation parties, and many other life events for my students. I have taken them to doctor appointments, visited them in the hospital, and have even wired money during a sub-zero cold snap so that a homeless student could get a hotel room off the street to warm up. Several times I even bought that same student clothing in the winter, and lunch when she did not have the money.

A surprise 21st birthday party for one of my all time faves!

Yet now teachers are being demonized for the simple fact that during this pandemic, it is simply not safe to return to school. Let’s all be honest that these are unprecedented times, and no one was prepared when schools were ordered closed here in NJ. Most districts did not even give the teachers any training or professional development on how to teach remotely, yet they rose to the occasion, because that’s what teachers always do. It was short notice, and what happened was EMERGENCY learning, not virtual learning. Although I am no longer a classroom teacher, I will always speak on behalf of the teachers because they need someone to defend them. I am absolutely appalled that they are being sent back to the Petri dish of germs that schools are. Most buildings lack proper air filtration systems, and if I am talking about my experiences if there were any windows at all in the classroom, none had screens. Opening a window is great, but all you need is one bee to fly in, and your entire lesson is done. If parents can choose remote learning for their children, then teachers (particularly the vulnerable with co-morbidities) should also have the choice. Why is it ok for people in the private sector to work from home without such backlash? Who else goes to work and is advised to be sure that you have an up-to-date will on file? Who else will have to wear a mask to protect the others, but it’s not reciprocal? Who else does this at the meager wages while also dipping into their pockets to provide even the most basic of essentials for their classes? Who else is exposed to over 150 (or more) kids a day, not knowing what the parents have done to ensure that their kids have been masked and socially distanced at all times around others? This would be next to impossible in a school setting.

The building where I taught was built in 1923, and I am pretty sure the air filtration system (if there even is one) is equally as old.

The stories I shared are practical examples of the deep-rooted connection and commitment we make to our kids. We don’t do it because we have to, but because it’s in our nature to give all we have to give, especially when we have special bonds with our students. But sacrificing our own health and safety, as well as that of our families , is not a part of any teacher’s contract. We are expected to be the comforting source for kids, keep our eye out for signs of abuse, homelessness, hunger, and we are even expected to protect them over our own selves in the event of an active shooter situation. We make engaging lessons that get torn apart by our supervisors, we love teachable moments that happen organically, and we celebrate the accomplishments of our students, no matter how small. We are expected to love them, discipline them,  and risk our own health and safety (and that of our own families) while constantly being disrespected by society.

My classroom,, set up BEFORE the first day of school, all with items purchased with money out of my own pocket… the pennants, the paper covering the bulletin boards, the borders, the lettering, the posters. All of it. Plus school supplies for kids that didn’t have notebooks, pencils, pens, etc.

I wish one great teacher could make the reputation of the entire profession of teaching soar as high as one bad teacher brings it down. I challenge each of you to name a teacher that made a difference in your life, and I guarantee you’ll be able to do it. But can you name any bankers, business executives, or sales people that made a difference in your life? Me neither.

We had a special moment at this girl’s graduation. I think she affected my life as much as I affected hers.

(Shout-out to the teachers who made a difference in my life: Alma Reusch, Nurmi Moran, Amy Smith and “Chickie” Pulis. Thank you all, wherever you are.)

Joy

Leave a reply

The other night I was talking with one of my favorite former students on the phone. It might sound strange to some who don’t understand the dynamic of the relationships that a high school teacher forms with her students, and often continues to grow as they start adulting. Having them in my life is so special and is the greatest gift teaching gave me. Anyway, we were catching up as we do quite often, and he innocently asked me how I was doing. My response was that I’m exhausted from just living right now. I meant it and although he understood exactly what I meant, we both started laughing. I mean, I guess it does seem like a pretty outrageous thing to say, but the reason he laughed is because he feels exactly the same way… between the virus, the fear, the politicizing of things that are not political, the social issues (which hit me like a ton of bricks), a recent layoff, and living with MS too??? Holy cow! Yes! I am exhausted.

This is one of my very favorite people in the whole wide world, and he just happens to be a former student. Isn’t he so handsome? Anyhoo, I am so proud of him and I love how we always ALWAYS understand each other.

Back in December, I created a jar that was meant for me and Bruce to write down happy memories, along with the date, to be read on New Year’s Eve so that we could remember all the great things that happened in 2020. I wrote on the jar “a year’s worth of moments of joy” and on the lid it says “good vibes only”. My goal was to be add to the jar twice a month. Little did I know what 2020 had in store for us!

Amazingly, even during the lockdown resulting from the COVID_19 pandemic, I have continued to add to my jar. These moments of joy might not be as grand as they would have been without being isolated, they still exist. They might be harder to see now, but they are there. Sometimes we just have to look a lIttle deeper and be open to seeing them, which could be much more difficult during these times, but I assure you that you, too, can find some joy.

And look at all these precious moments of joy I have been able to document even during trying times!

Is there air flowing in and out of your lungs? Is your heart still beating? Are you connected to those you love via text, FaceTime, or social media? Are you safe at home? Are you bingeing something enjoyable on any of the streaming services we are so lucky to have? Have you read a good book or picked up a new hobby? Are you organizing and/or doing little projects at home?Are you cooking more? Spending quality time with your quaranteam? Does the sun still shine? Are flowers blooming? If you answered yes to any of these questions (and I bet you have!) then you are experiencing moments of joy. Embrace them. Revel in them. Let them sustain you through the more difficult times.

Flowers are still blooming and bringing beauty into our world.

As someone who lives with a chronic illness, I am constantly adjusting to new normals in my life, and that’s what the whole world is doing right now. Things may look bleak at the moment, but things WILL eventually get better. In the meantime, find your joy, no matter how small, and allow its beauty to carry you through.

 

Dear MS

Leave a reply

I’ve spewed evil thoughts about you through the years, I’ve cursed your existence, not just in my life, but in the lives of all those affected, and I’ve fantasized about a world (and my life) without you in it. And here I am, looking back at my life knowing what I know about you now, understanding that I have been spending time with you since 1992 even though my official diagnosis came in 2003. There are things I want you to know, so here is my letter to you. It’s not exactly a love letter, but at this point it isn’t full of hate either.

You came along at a point early in my marriage, when things weren’t so hot. Neither of us was certain that we would last and we had our fair share of marital problems. But through the onset of my symptoms (which were more pronounced than anything I had experienced before), and the endless testing and doctors’ appointments that led to my diagnosis, you made us stronger. You drew us closer to each other than ever before. You made us see what matters most in a relationship, and you helped us re-prioritize our values. For this, I am endlessly grateful because without Bruce, I am nothing, and without him, I would not have the strength to deal with your constant need for attention.

This is my husband, my partner in crime, my best friend, my soul mate, my care partner. Basically my everything.

With the exception of the one relationship that matters most, you changed all of the other ones that existed in my world at that time, and not in a good way. You made people look at me differently, question my reality, and walk out of my life because they didn’t know how to act around me. Sadly this behavior has not changed, and after every relapse my support circle gets smaller. But without you, I never would have found my MS family, or realized the strength of support my little circle offers me. Without you, I wouldn’t express my gratitude to them as often as I do because it’s so important that they know that I appreciate every aspect of who they are and what they offer me, especially when I need them most.

This is my amazing MS family, and I am forever grateful for all that they give me.

You took away my ability to do simple things because of neuropathy, heat intolerance, vertigo, “fumble fingers”, tremors, spasms, bladder issues,  daily pain as well as “painsomnia”, and the list goes on. You forced me out of a career I loved far before I was ready to give it up. But in exchange, you gave me the ability to listen to my body, learn my limitations, and focus solely on me and my health. It’s a gift I never take for granted, and one that has improved my life in huge, wonderful ways.

The dangers of cooking with MS neuropathy… not realizing you burned yourself until much later!

You made me learn everything I could about a disease I knew nothing about until I had to. You made a girl who struggled with science learn more than she cared to about the brain and central nervous system. But because I learned so much, I have been able to educate others, including my students when I was working, my colleagues, and ultimately hundreds of others as a patient advocate speaker. You, MS, gave me my voice and you made it more powerful than it ever was without you.

Here’s me, spreading awareness and speaking to the high rollers at a very exclusive wine-tasting fundraiser.

You put me through the endless cycle of weight loss and weight gain thanks to your relapses that require high dose IV steroids, causing me to balloon up, and then leaving me with the daunting task of getting back to my “normal”, when you take more and more of my function every time. And because of that, I learned how to meditate, do yoga, and workout with a trainer who is passionate about helping MS patients. I am not going to lie and say I have great body image, but I’m learning how to accept my reality and be proud of the small accomplishments regardless of how small they may seem to others. I have learned to change my mindset and I exercise to maintain my strength, not to be skinny. I understand that I am a work in progress, and I will be for the rest of my life.

You have not managed to break my spirit, take away my ability to love and be loved, or change who I am fundamentally: the glass half-full girl. You have not made me ask “why me?”, because I think “why not me?”. Your presence in my life has helped me see more clearly, laugh more freely, and love more deeply than I ever thought possible. While other patients might write you a letter full of anger, resentment, and spite, that’s not how I roll. This letter is one full of gratitude for all that I am and all that I have despite it all. I am now and will forever be thankful for these lessons I have learned, no matter how difficult the road to learning them has been. Some people live an entire lifetime without knowing what I know now, so how could I possibly be angry? Life is what we make of it, and no matter how hard the journey, if you stop to appreciate all that you have rather than dwell on what you don’t, then you can join me in a life that may not be what you had planned, but is still overwhelmingly beautiful.

Admiring the beauty all around me is something that has only happened in recent years, and by far it’s one of the greatest gifts MS has given me.

 

Mind over Matter

Leave a reply

Me, introducing myself to a new yoga instructor:

“Hi! I’m not a beginner but I am a hot mess. I had surgery and breast cancer treatment so my reach is limited on my left side. Also, my spine is fused so in some of the twisting poses, you’ll see me modify my movement. Oh yea, plus I have MS so I am heat intolerant, and balance is an issue so in some balance poses you’ll see me head to the wall. But I know my modifications, and I know my body so it’s likely that you won’t even notice.”

This twist is so hard for me… It takes so much effort just to latch my elbow and I haven’t been able to do this until recently. And not always or on both sides. It will always be a challenge for me.

Their response (grinning at me, wide-eyed the whole time, probably thinking oh crap what the hell has walked in the door to this studio???):

“Ok! What’s your name?”

It’s the little things most people take for granted that I need to clarify every time I take a class with an instructor who doesn’t know me.  Now I have roots at a studio where everyone knows me so I haven’t had to do this in a while. But I will always have to explain my unique circumstances to a complete stranger, often in front of a studio full of other strangers, and I definitely do not enjoy it, regardless of how sweetly the instructor reacts.

Quite frankly, I AM a hot mess… I didn’t lie about that part. I play it off like a joke, but it’s a sad truth. I am not down on myself about it, but I know that people look at me with the same deer in the headlights look that a new instructor looks at me with (even if they grin at me the whole time). The point is that I know how to manage the cards I have been dealt, no matter how crappy I feel at times. That’s why I embrace every single day I’m given, even the bad ones.

A few weeks ago my back, as it sometimes does, was acting obnoxiously and I was suffering from brutally intense spasms. It felt a little wonky one day, but after stretching it and rolling it with my muscle massager, it seemed ok. But the next morning, before I even got out of bed, I was emotional over some personal stuff, and the spasms were excruciating. For all the work I do on myself, both physically as well mentally, I was so mad at myself for letting my emotions wreak such havoc on my physical body, which is stronger than it has been, probably ever.

I do believe that there is a strong body/mind connection, which is one of the reasons I was so upset about my back. Yes, I do the physical exercise that is required to stay as strong as I can. But the mental exercise is even harder. I journal twice a day, every day. This allows me to acknowledge my gratitude, understand my weaknesses, and even praise my own “wins”. I’ve been seeing the same therapist for years now, and my work with her is far from done, although I am improving all the time. I meditate faithfully, allowing my body and mind to both be still as I let go of all the unnecessary crap that weighs me down. I read (well listen to, actually) self-help books that teach me how to love myself and to be proud of who I am. I practice yoga daily, yet still, there are moments when my mind actually gets in the way of my physical progress.

Meditation and breath work are EVERYTHING!

At these moments, I remind myself that I am human, and more importantly, that I simply can’t control every single aspect of my life no matter how hard I try, or how badly I want to. Although this physical manifestation of something much deeper was more painful than I even thought possible, it was a reminder to me of so many things: slow down, listen to my body, nurture my spirit, and allow my emotions to come out rather than bottle them up. This is quite an important lesson for every single one of us, since the mind can do such powerful things to our bodies.

I may be a hot mess, but I don’t let that keep me from living a beautifully happy life despite it all. In fact, I am grateful for each part of me, even the icky parts, because that is how I have learned to live my life out loud, for the entire world to see. It’s not an act that I put on, but rather the authentic way I choose to live and show others that true happiness is always right in front of you. You just need to be open to seeing it. And once you do, it is amazing how differently you will see yourself and your place in the world.

My place in the world will always be right next to this guy right here. #teamrankin