Monthly Archives: January 2017

Devotion

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This week, I proudly present an entry written by my other half and the most devoted care partner I know! Without further ado, here’s Bruce!

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It’s difficult sometimes for me to make sense of why exactly Rennie has been forced to deal with so many health issues over the course of her life. Not only does she have Multiple Sclerosis, and now breast cancer, but she was also born prematurely, which forced her to live the first several months of her life in an incubator. Add to all of this spinal fusion surgery back in 2011 to repair a broken vertebrae in her back, and other things too numerous to mention, and she’s had more than her fair share of ailments to live through in her first 44 years on Earth. Through it all she’s maintained an incredibly positive attitude, rarely throwing pity parties for herself, and really embracing her struggles as part of her journey. But that’s the type of person Rennie has always been, which is just one of the many things that drew me to her so many moons ago.

As positive and hopeful as Rennie can be, I fall on the other side of the spectrum. I often find myself angry and resentful at the hand she’s been dealt, and I struggle to embrace the positives that are often found in the challenges we are both forced to face because of her issues. This is not the life I wanted for us. What I wanted was for things to be easy, so that we could spend as much “quality time” together as possible. While it’s true that we have more than we will ever need from a material standpoint, and spend almost all our free time together, I’m left wanting more. I want us to be able to do whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it (one of the many reasons neither of us was interested in having children), but her physical limitations often make anything more than sitting on the couch together a challenge. I know this sounds horribly selfish (which I readily admit), but I often feel like Ren’s health interferes with all I hoped and dreamed for my life. While she is somehow able to keep from thinking, “Why me?”, I have a much harder time avoiding that thought.

Lately (particularly since her breast cancer diagnosis), I’ve also been racked with feelings of guilt surrounding all of her issues. To turn a phrase, “Why not me?”. Why am I not the one with Multiple Sclerosis? Why am I not the one with cancer? Why am I somehow the healthy one in this relationship, without any health concerns? (And I’m certain that I am not the first care partner to have had thoughts like these) But what I’ve discovered in talking through all of this with Ren, is that whatever either of us goes through…no matter what it is…we go through together. I may not be the one with MS or cancer, or the one having to physically go through the surgeries and treatments, but I’m still fighting the battles with her. And I always have. If the tables were turned, Ren would be fighting along side me…because we’re a team. We have been since the very beginning of our relationship. We are simply greater together than the sum of our individual parts. Or as Ren has been saying for years, we’re two imperfect halves of a perfect whole. And the strength that we are able to muster up together allows us to push through any obstacle that gets in our way.

One other thing I feel that I need to mention, is that even with all of the drama that comes from Ren’s medical issues, I have never felt anything but damn lucky to be able to share a life with her. The idea that the two 18 year old kids that first met in college all those years ago are together at all still amazes the hell out of me. When I first got to know Rennie, she seemed completely unattainable and out of my league, and as much as I was smitten with her at the time, I never imagined that we’d ever be together. It didn’t seem possible. So for me, no matter what we have to face, I feel that I’m living in a dream that I hope no one wakes me up from.

Recently, during one of the many phone calls I’ve exchanged with Ren’s father to share information about her breast cancer diagnosis and surgery, he ended the call thanking me for my devotion to his daughter through everything over the years. I thanked him for the kind words, and also told him there was no need to thank me, as I was just doing my job as Ren’s spouse and #1 cheerleader. But afterwards I realized that my devotion to Ren goes much deeper than that. It goes all the way back to the time those two teenagers first met, and to the incredible friendship they forged before finally becoming a couple. And it also goes back to the vows I recited on our wedding day that included the words “in sickness and in health”…words that no one really thinks too much about when they say them, unless they’re tested the way I have been on multiple occasions. But most importantly, it goes back to all of the years we’ve spent as partners on this journey together…living a dream, and supporting each other through the good and the bad. 

As much hatred as I have for MS, and now cancer, oddly enough it is only because of it that we get to spend so much time together. Before MS forced Ren to retire from teaching in 2014, we spent very little real time together, since most of her nights and weekends were consumed with writing lesson plans, grading, and the multitude of other tasks required of teachers these days. But now that she’s no longer working, our free time together has increased exponentially. Is it always as exciting as I dreamed it would be when we married? No, but then how many middle-aged couples together for 22 years can say that anyway?  What we do have though is a marriage stronger and more focused than we may have had without MS and cancer, and one that we never…ever…take for granted. It may not be what I envisioned, but it’s still pretty fucking awesome…and a dream come true.

Love

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Here are some things I have learned (so far) on my journey with breast cancer: 

First of all, everyone has a story about someone (like their college roommate’s brother’s girlfriend’s mother) who had breast cancer (insert amount of years ago) and after treatment is totally fine. The same exact things were said to me when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Everyone has a story to share. But I understand why people feel the need to say these things. It’s because they don’t know what else to say, which can be somewhat awkward, and they want to be optimistic because they know it’s how I live my life. I mean no one wants to say that their college roommate’s brother’s girlfriend’s mother died from breast cancer to someone who has just been diagnosed with it, nor would they want to say that their college roommate’s brother’s girlfriend’s mother has MS and was doing great but now is confined to a wheelchair. Now THAT would be awkward. 

I got a little care package from one of my MS family members with this bracelet and a bandana with a beautiful card. So very thoughtful!

More importantly, though, I have learned that by and large, people are kind. Every single person that I met at the Breast Health Center, at the Breast Specialist’s office, and at the hospital where my surgery was performed, took a genuine interest in me, and I never once felt like I was just another patient with breast cancer passing through their doors. 

Adorable and sweet to be thought of by my sister’s in-laws.

But most of all, I have felt the love from family and friends, near and far. I have gathered more strength from that feeling than I could even put into words, and for that I am so appreciative. I wish that we lived in a world where everyone expressed feelings of love every single day to every single person they love, and not just when times are rough. I have been feeling so especially loved and I do always try to express my affection to my loved ones on a regular basis. It shouldn’t have to take a reality check like cancer or MS for people to be comfortable sharing the love. Why wait until there is a reason to let someone know that they have a special place in your heart? 

My challenge for all of you (and also for myself) is to make sure that the ones you hold dear always know it and they always feel the way I have felt since I started this battle with breast cancer. I know this cancer won’t kill me. But it has already taught me so much about life and love. I tell my loved ones I love them at every opportunity. It’s genuine and it comes from my heart every single time. And I hug everyone just a little tighter for just a little longer, because I want to, and it feels good to hug and to be hugged. 

Doing “normal” things with Bruce trying not to think about what we can’t stop thinking about.

My journey with breast cancer is just beginning. With some form of treatment on the horizon, yet to be determined by my oncologists, I still have a long way to go. It’s weird how when you get older, time seems to go by faster when we’d like it to slow down, and as kids we want the time to move more quickly because we think we are missing out on amazing and exciting things in adulthood. I am here to tell you that life is precious and fleeting, and we should never waste opportunities that are presented to us. In the blink of an eye, everything can (and often does) change. We all should be mindful of gratitude for what and who we have in our lives. Even at your lowest point, if you search for the positive, I am sure you will find it. I have.

This is how we live. Every day.

Limbo

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It’s such an odd feeling living in a state of limbo. I mean that’s how it feels, anyway. The rest of the world carries on as usual while I feel like everything is on hold. Time is creeping by ever so slowly as I wait for my post-operative appointment with the breast surgeon to discuss what my future holds. I’ve never been one to wish the days away because I truly am grateful for every single day that I’m given, so I am having a hard time reconciling these opposing feelings of mine. 

Post-op picture: looking blue (literally) from the radioactive dye used to highlight the lymph node that was removed.

In the last few weeks, there have been moments where I have almost forgotten about my latest health crisis. Almost. Then I remind myself that I have breast cancer. It’s something that sounds foreign when spoken aloud, but it’s the truth and at some point I know it won’t sound so strange when I hear it. Plus, thanks to early detection,  it’s not a death sentence for me. It’s just one more challenge for me to overcome, and I don’t have any doubt that I will. 

Discharge instructions… I couldn’t get out of there fast enough!

I am a firm believer in the fact that the universe would not give me anything more than what I can handle, and I still believe that to be true. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have my moments of weakness. At times I am so utterly exhausted, not just physically, but also mentally because I’m just trying to process it all. But I also know that adversity builds strength of character, and I never want to stop growing. Being a human capable of experiencing the spectrum of emotions is only possible by allowing ourselves the opportunity for growth. 

It’s a bit of a reality check when the American Cancer Society sends you a list of resources…

In the meantime, I am impatiently waiting for what’s next on my journey, but whatever that includes, I will accept it as part of the path I am traveling, which is made a million times easier with an amazing care partner by my side. I have learned that my support team extends far beyond what I ever thought possible, and I’m eternally grateful for all the good vibes, positive energy, and prayers that have been sent my way from near and far, and from all the corners of my life. 

The good news is that I only have to live in this state of limbo for another 24 hours. I’m sure it seems like such a small amount of time to most, but for us, it may as well be an eternity. However, the way I see it, after everything Team Rankin has been through, this is nothing. #wegotthis

Bruce had this shirt customized to indicate just how serious he is about fighting with me. #luckygirl

The Wait

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Shortly after this entry is posted, I will be en route to the hospital for surgery, which will ultimately determine the course of my journey with breast cancer. It still feels weird to hear me saying those words about myself. I have breast cancer. But it’s a fact, and just like I have with MS, I am sure that I will embrace it as part of who I am once I have had the time to process it all. 

This is just one batch of materials given to me. I’d say that’s a lot to process!

Since I’ve been wrapped up in this whole thing, I’m keeping it short and sweet this week. I want to thank everyone for their love and support as I begin this next leg of my journey. All the good vibes, positive energy, and prayers that have been sent my way have made me feel my strongest even while I’m at my most vulnerable. 

I love fun socks and I wore these to the most recent appointment I had with the breast specialist. They pretty much sum up how I felt that day.

Believe it or not, this is the worst part: the wait. I know I have cancer, I know I need surgery to remove it, but beyond that remains the unknown. No matter the outcome, one thing I know for sure is that you can count on my usual positive attitude and fighting spirit to prevail. It always does.

Curve Ball

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Other than having MS, I’m generally a pretty healthy person. I seldom get sick because I’m so careful about how I live my life. I exercise, I eat well, and as my former students would attest to, I’m slightly germ-phobic. I don’t consider that a negative trait because I’m sure that’s how I remain healthy. But one thing I was told early in my journey with MS, is that having one illness does not preclude me from getting others. It’s something I filed in the back of my head somewhere and have only recently discovered how true it is. 

As a woman in her 40’s, I am always on top of my wellness visits with all of my doctors. After all, I am a rule girl. I do my full body check with my dermatologist every year, get an annual physical with my primary care physician, visit my ophthalmologist once a year, see my gynecologist annually, and, of course, I get my mammograms. I have had irregular readings on my mammograms in the past, which have always revealed nothing unusual upon repeat scans. 

So this year, when I was told that they would like to take some further imaging and ultrasound if necessary, I didn’t panic. Why would I? Offering full disclosure here, I have scar tissue from a breast reduction and being called for follow-up mammograms is not unusual under these circumstances. 

This year, unlike past years, I was told that I should see a breast specialist because the mammogram and ultrasound revealed irregularities. I still didn’t panic because I’m so used to visiting doctors and specialists of all sorts, thanks to MS. When the doctor examined me, she didn’t feel anything but she did see what the radiologist had seen on the films from the mammogram as well as on the CD of my ultrasound. When she told me that I needed to have a stereotactic biopsy, I still didn’t panic. She explained that most likely it was nothing, and if it was anything, it was stage zero and very treatable. 

The moment of panic came when I walked in the room for this biopsy, and saw the table that I was going to be lying down on during the procedure. (Think: operating table with a hole in it where I was to lie face down with the appropriate breast in the hole.) To be fair, it wasn’t scary at all, and the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

After the procedure, I was told that I would hear my results within 4-5 business days. The timing was tight because of the holiday falling smack dab in there. I debated with myself endlessly about whether it would be better to hear before New Year’s Eve, or continue to not know anything until after the holidays. Ultimately the choice was not mine, and I got the call on New Year’s Eve eve. 

With my sister on one side of me and Bruce on the other, I sat and listened to words I never expected to hear: it’s cancer. I promptly scheduled an appointment with the breast specialist for her first available appointment in order to discuss the biopsy findings further and also to come up with the appropriate treatment plan. As of the publishing of this entry, that appointment has not yet happened. 

It’s a weird feeling to hear this kind of news. Scary, of course, but also relieved that I am a proactive patient and this has been caught early with a very positive prognosis. Still, I feel like I’m somehow living someone else’s life even though I know full well that having MS doesn’t guarantee me immunity from other illnesses. 

One thing I have never done is ask “why me?”, not referring to Multiple Sclerosis, and not in this situation either. The truth is, that I believe in the universe, no matter what it decides to dole out to me. By overcoming obstacles in our path, we are made stronger. When I was diagnosed with MS I never questioned it, and my journey has brought me many gifts and my mission has become more and more clear the longer it has been a part of my life.

So here I am, starting the new year, ready to fight another fight. I’m not sure what the universe has in store for me, but I do know that I would not be given anything more than I can handle.  I also know that somewhere along this next part of my journey, my purpose will become apparent just as it always has in the past. 

The lesson for all of us here is the following: sulking, questioning, and negativity are all a waste of our precious energy. Instead, let’s use our energy in productive ways.  I, for one, propose a toast to all of us warriors out there, fighting to overcome whatever physical or emotional obstacles we are faced with. Grab a glass of lemonade (half-full, obviously), and be grateful for your blessings as well as your challenges, because both are a part of living a full and rewarding life. I’m looking ahead at 2017, cancer and all, and I can’t even imagine how much stronger I will be next year at this time. Cheers!