Monthly Archives: September 2020

Retirement

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This week marks seven years since I walked out of my classroom, thinking I would return in 2 weeks, after taking treatment for an exceptionally bad MS relapse. I never imagined that 9/27/2013 would be the last day I’d ever spend at the place that was my home away from home, the place where I spent the majority of my waking hours, the place that built my identity, and the place I loved so much it actually hurt. But those of us with Multiple Sclerosis know that MS does not play by rules, it does not discriminate, and does not go along with plans that you make, regardless of how carefully laid out they might be. 

Two weeks of work neatly assembled for my substitute.

I left in pain, barely able to ambulate on my own, and full of sadness I felt at the thought of leaving my beloved students so early in the school year. I held onto hope that the treatment would work quickly and efficiently so I could get back to what I loved so very much. But like I said, MS is unpredictable, and the treatment that had helped me when I needed it most in the past let me down and had little effect on the storm brewing under the surface where no one could see.

This was the disaster of treatment that i was out for.

Little by little, as I struggled through painful and exhausting physical and occupational therapy, my return to work date kept getting pushed back, and the vast majority of people could not understand that I did not have a firm return date. I wanted a return date more than anyone, and I was so frustrated because I felt like my body was letting me down. I always worked hard to stay physically fit and active, which I leaned on in past relapses, but this one was different. I was working so hard, and not seeing (or feeling) results, sending me spiraling into the deepest depression I have ever known. I felt worthless, lost, and missing a huge part of myself because I did not know who I was if I was not Mrs. Rankin.

This is what I depended on for ambulation when I went out on disability.

The two best things I ever did for myself at that point were enrolling in a twelve-week wellness program for MS patients, and starting with a new therapist who specializes in treating those with chronic illnesses, specifically MS. In the wellness program, I met my MS family, a diverse group, ranging in age and ability, but our connection was instantaneous. I finally felt like I found a piece of me I needed to help build me back to where I was before. And my therapist mostly just listened to my cry every week for months until I finally started to feel better, but knowing I could never continue to do my job.

My 12 week wellness group.

Making the decision to apply for long term disability was one I struggled with and kept putting off thinking I’d magically wake up one day just like my old self, and my students would walk into school with me at my desk at 5:45 am as usual. Sometimes with MS things go as quickly as they come, and I wished with all my might that it would happen for me this time. But no such luck. And at the same time I was feeling a deep sense of loss and grieving the community of long time co-workers who proved to me that out of sight indeed was out of mind. It was the perfect internal storm that made me feel so conflicted.

This was the window to my world: a safe space, a sanctuary for many students, and my home away from home.

But the most amazing thing happened once I started to understand that my plan was not meant to be and that the universe had greater things in mind for me. As other friends left my side, my MS family embraced me, even with my many flaws. They were there for me (along with my many, many former students), as I fought to become strong again, and they supported me years later when I battled breast cancer, and again as I was given another lifelong diagnosis of diabetes. These are my people… my squad. They helped me find my place in the world again even when I thought I’d be lost as always.

Just 2 of my special girls who came to say goodbye as I tearfully cleaned out my classroom at the end of the year.

My plan did not work out as I had thought, but I realize now that it was never meant to be that way. In this new life, I have found a sense of freedom, the ability to fully enjoy the time I spend with loved ones without having work constantly in the back of my mind, and a true appreciation for the ability to give my body what it needs when it needs it. Looking back at where I was seven years ago to where I am now is like night and day, and even though it’s not what I planned I am ever more grateful each and every day. Even during COVID times, I still find new reasons to be grateful every morning when my eyes open to a new day full of possibilities.

Every day is full of new possibilities!

I will always treasure my days in the classroom, but I no longer get sad that I’m not there. I embrace it as a beautiful part of me and my past, and I am proud that I did it as long as MS allowed me the gift of being able to do the job the way the kids deserve for it to be done. This piece of my past is the biggest part of who I am,  and I have zero regrets when I look back.

I loved this pace with every fiber of my being.

Being able to focus on me and my loved ones instead of my students and my school has made my life so much richer, and now I get to enjoy the best of both worlds… I can listen to my body and what it needs, but I also am surrounded by the love of my chosen family: those very special students (now all young adults) who have made it clear to me that they are with me no matter how many years pass, and I feel the same way for each of them. So instead of feeling sad, I feel blessed. It took a minute, but I couldn’t ask for anything more.

This. My MS family.

PS. Shout out to my chocolate sister and best friend for riding this wave with me, even though we no longer work together. She is the one I turn to still… and the gift of her friendship has sustained me for so many years now. ❤️

The one who has been at my side from when we first started working together and who never leaves my side even though I am no longer her “neighbor”. She is my rock, my anchor, and my best friend.

Calm

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Even though I am slowly getting back to some of my regular, pre-covid activities, I am still extra careful as I am considered among the vulnerable. Bru and I went and dined outdoors at our favorite place, I began working out with my personal trainer again, and I’m even going back to my chiropractor this week. While I welcome these activities (with the proper precautions in place of course), my safe place remains our home… the one that we built together over eight years ago.

Reunited with the best trainer ever and it feels so good….

With all the chaos in the world politically, socially, and personally, I have remained dedicated to my daily yoga practice and meditation to calm the waters and keep me at peace. This week I participated in the annual Global Mala with the NJ Yoga Collective in which those who participate move and breathe together through 108 Sun Salutations. This year the Mala was aligned with the UN’s International Day of Peace, with the theme being “Shaping Peace Together”. Although I have participated in 108 Sun Salutations before, having this intention of peace, along with hundreds of other yoga practitioners, it took on a whole new meaning for me.

One of my “disconnected” activities during the pandemic has been my scratch pad, and I made this to get me ready.

As always, various instructors led us through their assigned number of Sun Salutations, each in their own style, and each with their own words of empowerment to spread peace the way it is meant to be. It is for this reason that I love taking classes with all different instructors because I love the language they choose to use, and the way they each talk about the deeper parts of yoga that extend far beyond the physical practice.

Before the practice… feeling fine!

The best thing happened as I moved in sync with everyone else, whether they too were on zoom, or if they ventured out to practice in person (with limited spots and socially distanced, of course), I found myself more at peace (despite my heightened anxiety) than I have been since before I even heard the word COVID.

Nothing else mattered as I moved through each flow, feeling the Prana (breath), or life force work its way through my body and sending out my intention of peace to the entire world. I didn’t think about numbers or counting, or anything except the connection I was having to my own energy and the energy of all those who were moving and breathing with me. This moving meditation is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced, and the most amazing thing was how light I felt afterwards.

One of my favorite instructors took a spot so I had to get a picture “with” her.

For months I’ve been feeling the weight of the world upon my shoulders, just like many other sensitive souls. Taking a break to get rid of the burden, no matter how short-lived is worth every single chaturanga, every single forward fold, every single downward facing dog.

I know that the world is going to be heavy for a while. And although I’m not happy about it, I know that my yoga practice, even if done on my own, can always bring me to that incredibly sweet spot where I can find bliss regardless of how the world is unfolding around me.

AFTER: what an uplifting, powerful, and peaceful experience.

I am so grateful for this practice that allows me time to not feel stressed, not feel anxious, to not panic. This is why I began practicing yoga in the first place. I never thought it would take center stage in my life, but here we are.

Sometimes when times are the most difficult, that’s when you find the most beauty. It’s harder to see, and it takes some practice getting used to it, but I guarantee it is there if you just look hard enough to find it.

As Is

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My small but mighty Rankin family…. constantly lifting me up.

Some things are so hard to explain to others when you have a chronic condition. It seems like no matter how many ways I try to describe what it’s like, it just doesn’t matter, and because others don’t understand it’s all the more frustrating for me, and thus I feel pressure when I shouldn’t.

I have simplified my life because I have had to, not because I wanted to. Things I used to do with no problem have become exponentially harder as the years pass and my condition throws more challenges my way. Gone are the days when I could plan to do anything I wanted: travel to Florida to visit family, zip in and out of the city on the train, spend hours shopping, or even just have firm plans for both days on any given weekend. But alas, those are all parts of my past because I am no longer as capable.

These girls always have my back… my yoga sisters. We connected from the first day we met and I have been so grateful for them every single day since.

People look at me and think I look fine.  But they don’t know how hard everything is for me. When we have firm plans (such as when attending a concert), I know that I need take time to prepare, both mentally and physically. I will limit my activities so that I am well-rested and in the right mindset to completely enjoy what is planned to the best of my ability. Of course, this applies more to pre-COVID times when we used to do more than we are able to do at this moment! It’s not that I don’t want to be social and do things, but everything is so hard. Even things like taking a shower and getting myself to look presentable are difficult for me for so many reasons, not least of which is what I call “painsomnia”, a condition that affects me every single night. I challenge even the healthiest of individuals to live a “normal” life with serious sleep deprivation.

This woman right here is the woman i met the first day I started with my current neurologist 17 years ago. In that time she has gone from someone i called to book appointments to a dear friend and huge part of my life. If anyone who doesn’t have MS understands it, it’s my sweet Riri.

Often times when we have plans, I say that I am a “game day decision” because I never know how I’m going to feel. And if I should happen to miss an event, I am accused of being purposely “absent” because I do attend other events. Unfortunately, MS does not care what things happen on which days, and frankly, MS simply does not play nice! I don’t use it to “get out” of things, but I do realize how it limits me. I know which scenarios are doable for me, and which are not, and nothing hurts more than being interrogated about not attending an event or having loved ones question my intentions. Of course I want to do everything all the time but sadly, my body won’t let me, and when my loved ones don’t understand that, it sends me into a tailspin.

My big sister and constant cheerleader, always looking out for me.

This has not been an easy lesson to learn and I have often struggled with it through the years. I walk a fine line between happily doing the things I can and want to do, and being sad and frustrated because I know that I can’t do certain things that I used to love. Being who I am, I have learned to look at everything in my life through the glass half full lens.

These are just some of former students who remain in my life and have always tried their best to understand and to learn about what MS does to a person. I love them all beyond words.

Simply put, that means that I am grateful to have had so many wonderful experiences even if I can’t still enjoy them. Instead of dwelling on what I can no longer do, I focus on what I can do. I no longer care what anyone else thinks or says about me because I have so many awesome people who accept me exactly as I am now, not least of whom is my partner in crime, Bruce, who has never wavered. Skinny or fat, makeup or none, blonde or pink, mobile or immobile, pajamas or dressed up, it just doesn’t matter.

This guy has been by my side through it all and has never wavered. I owe everything I am to his love and support. PS.This picture was taken on the night I finally got brave enough to dine outdoors.

Now I only surround myself with people like Bruce who never make me feel anything but whole… a human being not defined by my diagnoses but rather by my strength of character, accepting me as is, no questions asked. Never do I have to explain “why” because the people that matter already know the answer, and they love me anyway. I am beyond justifying it or defending myself, and with my peeps I never have to. Even though my inner circle may have gotten smaller through the trials and tribulations of life, it offers me more strength, support, and love than I ever thought possible.

My chocolate sister, and the my best girl.. we are so deeply connected that we often complete each other’s sentences.

Thank you to my inner circle for keeping me whole, grounded, and genuinely happy. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but it doesn’t really matter I guess. I’ll just continue to thank the universe every damn day, not for giving me MS, but for giving me all the gifts (in the form of lessons learned and an extra special MS family) that I have been given as a result.

Here are just a few of my special MS sisters. We are united by the MonSter but our relationships are so much deeper than just that.

Vacation

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Before I even begin to talk about our annual family vacation, I need to preface it all by saying that I have basically been a shut-in since March. The only places I have been is to doctor appointments, and I didn’t even start that until June. At that time I decided it was important for my mental health, as well as my poor husband’s, to expand our bubble to include our Rankin family. We have all been exceptionally careful, with only one person from each of our households going to the store, and none of us have seen other people until recently. My five year-old nephew has had socially distanced play dates with his friends and I trust my bro and sis-in-law implicitly. We all hunkered down leading to our beach vacation so that we could all feel comfortable sharing somewhat close quarters together.

Best quaranteam ever!!

That being said, we congregated at the little beach house, with the deck that overlooks the beautiful ocean, and our own private beach entrance to boot. This year, vacation took on a whole new meaning for us, and instead of going out to the arcade and the rides, we opted for family time instead.

This is the view from the deck overlooking the private beach entrance.

Last year we went out for meals, walks, and anything else we felt like doing. This year, we happily got take out, cooked together, and spent hours (some of us more than others) on the beach. We jumped waves until our fingers were wrinkled like prunes and my skinny little nephew started shivering. We sat on the beach while he played in the sand or made friends with other kids, which he does everywhere he goes.

Taking a break from wave jumping so my nephew could warm up.

The beach was beautiful, and although masks were not worn, we found those around us to be respectful of space, and looking around you could see the clumps of people who were together in the same bubble nicely distanced from those around them.

It’s hard to see it here but people were very respectfully distanced.

Nighttime found us hanging out on the deck, watching movies, playing games, or back at the beach to fly a kite. Conversations, smiles, and laughter for days kept us happily occupied and grateful for our little family. All of this was especially special for me and Bruce, as the rest of our family live in the same town as each other so they get to spend time together way more frequently. While it hurts my heart some, I am glad that they do, because it has helped keep my nephew somewhat distracted from what his new normal has become.

Family game night: Jenga.

For me, this year’s vacation made me see that I need to open up my bubble a little more, and invite people I trust to enter. It’s important for my mental health, and quite honestly, for my sanity. The only reason I say this is because we just don’t get to see the family that much, and sometimes I find myself yearning for human interaction aside from Bruce. No offense meant towards my husband, of course, but when you are used to socializing regularly (at the yoga studio, with my MS family, and with my former students), you miss it.

One thing I know for sure is that I am now, and will forever be grateful for the love of my Rankin family. May we always love and enjoy each other as much (or more) than we do at this moment in time.

My small but mighty Rankin family.