When I get out of my car after parking in a handicapped parking space, I always catch people looking me up and down. I don’t use a walker or a rollator. I don’t even use my cane regularly, only in situations that I know make me off-balance. I didn’t even always use my handicapped placard at first, because I hated feeling like I had to “act” disabled when I got out of my car. But now I use it all the time. And I don’t have to “act” disabled, because I am. 

What you see on the outside seldom reflects my reality. My immune system is at war with my brain and my spinal cord, leaving battle scars in their wake. Those scars aren’t visible but they disrupt communication between the nervous system (brain and spinal cord) and the rest the body. Can you see that my feet are numb 100% of the time, making it difficult for me to find the ground, even if I am just walking? Can you see that I haven’t had strength, coordination, function, or feeling on my entire left side since 2003? Can you see that my legs ache so badly (particularly at night) that I can never get comfortable and I don’t sleep for more than an hour or two at a time? Can you see the scars all over my legs from scratching myself raw because of an insatiable neurological itch? Can you see the girdling (commonly referred to as MS hug) that wraps itself so tightly around my ribcage, making it hard for me to breathe and causes upper back spasms? Can you see the overwhelming fatigue that overtakes my body at random times, leaving me unable to move even a single muscle? I could go on, but things could get more personal than I’m ready to share just yet! 

I understand that I don’t fit the visual model of what society deems disabled, and because of that, there are certain things that I will not stop fighting for until I win. I live in a brand new townhouse community. It was brand new when we moved in, anyway. In fact the building continued around us after we moved in. Shortly after we moved in, the powers that be decided there would be no more street parking. They also told us that as homeowners, we are given two parking spots which are our one-car-garage (one spot) and our driveway (one spot). This posed a problem for us in that I am not always able to do the “driveway dance”, shuffling the cars around depending on who leaves first. Even if I am doing the dance, it’s very difficult to maneuver between the car and the side of the garage, as the garage is quite narrow, and my car is not. When the homeowner’s association sent us a letter stating that they were going to tow any residents parked in the overflow/guest parking spots, I got to work on trying to get an exemption. 

I presented my situation to the board and the homeowner’s association, naively thinking this would be a no-brainer for them because it is a small accommodation to make for someone with a chronic and debilitating disability. Instead, I was told to get a letter from my physician (which I did), enumerate the reasons for which I was requesting an exemption (which I did), and then they told me that I needed to disclose my diagnosis. What? Now as an educated patient, I am DAMN sure that I don’t need to disclose my condition to anyone. But I did. 

Three property managers and countless emails (on our part, not theirs), the resolution that they considered amenable was anything but! Their solution was that when necessary, the person with the disabled placard (me) can park in the handicap spots (of which there are two). The handicap spots can not even be seen from my driveway. So the handicap girl should park at the opposite end of the street because hiking all that distance to my house is certainly less taxing on my body than doing the driveway dance? 

Way over there past the bend in the road sit the two handicapped parking spaces in which they graciously will allow me to park without fear of being towed.

We started the process almost a year ago, and we still have no resolution. Most recently we sent a picture showing how far the walk is, along with a hand drawn map illustrating the situation. I’m also lucky enough to have an awesome friend who is an awesome attorney, and he is ready to roll. We have reached out to our property manager so many times with no response, so we made one last attempt and if she doesn’t get in touch with us, we are moving forward with our attorney.

This is the hand-drawn map I submitted since it was obvious that our property manager has never been to the property she manages, which she openly admitted.

I’m prepared to take it to the State Department of Human Affairs, if need be. I’ll talk to my legislators. I’ll do whatever it takes. I spent my whole professional life making accommodations for my students who required them, and I did it because it was what they deserved, and it’s the law. I’m not above the law, and I don’t take advantage of the small accommodations that are made for me (like having a handicapped parking placard). We all deserve some compassion, and little things like closer parking allow me to conserve what little energy I have so I can be productive, which gives me validation that disability takes away. 

The next time you see me getting out of my car in a handicapped spot, don’t make assumptions about me. Yes, it’s my placard. Yes, I supplied all the necessary documentation from a legitimate physician in order to get it. Yes, I have a Disabled Person ID card to prove it. And I’d trade it, the parking exemption, and anything else that others see as a “perk” (like when I had air conditioners in my classroom) in a heartbeat. Take it all. I only want one thing in return: a healthy immune system!