Tag Archives: new life

This Life

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When I sat down to write this week’s blog entry, there were so many topics I could have chosen. But the one that rises above all the others is a result of a quote I shared with my chair yoga class this week as part of my Dharma talk to start the class. I found a quote by Joseph Campbell that really resonated with me:

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Before I talked about it in the yoga class, I just kept reading that quote and I couldn’t believe how strongly it hit me. For over six years I’ve been trying to find words to adequately describe how drastically (but with hindsight, in the best way possible) my life changed due to circumstances outside of my control.

If you had asked me six years ago what I imagined my future to be, I would have told you without hesitation that I would be a classroom teacher up until the point that I would make a lateral move using my masters degree to be a school librarian/media specialist. Never would I have anticipated that Multiple Sclerosis would change the course of my future so abruptly and unexpectedly.

I felt like I was walking around with a broken compass for the longest time… a traveler without a map, and no guidance. The rug was pulled out from under me, and I was so lost.

Little by little I began putting the new pieces of my life together and just as I thought I had found some stability towards my new future, cancer came along. So I began the process of finding myself once again, more uncertain than ever about what my purpose was.

A post-oncology selfie celebrating the all clear still!

I invested time in myself, mostly through yoga, meditation, and journaling. I have always found comfort in writing (which is partly why I started this little blog of mine in the first place), and putting in this kind of work on myself helped me see beyond what I thought my life was meant to be. Instead I began to see what it could be if I just allowed things to unfold.

This is a summary of a 30 day yoga challenge that I participated in during the month of January.

I never thought I could feel the amount of pure and utter joy that I do now, in this life that was waiting for me. I take pleasure in even the minutia of daily life because I’m still here. I get to share my love of yoga with others who don’t yet believe in themselves, and who can benefit most from a practice that is equally as good for body, mind, and spirit.

Chair yoga with the regulars….

When I look back I am amazed that I ever felt lost because this life is better than any I could have imagined for myself. Yes, it’s true that I will always have medical challenges and the fear of cancer will always be lurking in the back of my mind… but I do not let those things hold me back from enjoying this beautiful life that I never knew was waiting for me while I toiled away at the one I had planned. What I know for sure is that life takes you on many detours and when you arrive to the place you are meant to be, there is no sweeter feeling in the world.

Without the detours, I never would have found my amazing MS sisters, who are such a huge part of my life.

Take it from me… I’ve been around the gamut and six years later, I am enjoying the life that was waiting for me while I was too busy planning one that was not in the cards for me. And you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing. Not MS, not breast cancer, not diabetes. Nothing. Because without all that has happened I wouldn’t have found this exact spot, full of joy and light,  where I know I’m meant to be.

Headstands For Hunger

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Recently, my fellow yoga teachers in training, our instructor, and an alum of this YTT (that I am LOVING!) decided to do some Karma Yoga. Many forms of yoga don’t include an actual physical yoga practice, and Karma Yoga is the path of service. This annual event supports our local community by collecting money (as well as food) for both humans and animals.  It’s a dog-friendly event which takes place at a ginormous venue: the Asbury Park Convention Hall.

We got there early because we were volunteering at the event. We also brought with us a decent amount of both human and pet food, as well as our financial contribution so that we could also take the class.  Wherever we were needed was where we went. It didn’t seem like a huge deal to us, but it made a big difference to the event organizer who felt comfortable enough to lean on us and put us to work. And that’s really the point. I mean, it was such a small thing that we did, and it benefitted so many living beings in our local community. I think it’s important for everyone to remember (especially at this time of the year) that no matter how small your act of kindness is, the effect is far bigger than you realize. It doesn’t take much to help others in need, and no matter how much (or how little) you have, there are always people worse off than you, and doing for others definitely gives you a certain warmth that has nothing to do with the temperature outside.

My beautiful gypsy soul sisters waiting for the practice to begin.

I was amazed at how many people from the local yoga community came out to support this event on a chilly Sunday morning in November. The energy of the room was amazing, with yogis ranging from super-advanced, all the way to some who had never done any yoga ever. At this dog-friendly event, they roamed freely as we practiced.  Several teachers traded off at the microphone, each taking a part of the 90 minute practice. There were vendors of all sorts, ranging from jewelry, to clothing, tarot card readers, and even a photo booth. In sum, this day had something to offer every single person there, and every single person there made the choice to give to the greater good just by being there.

By far the best part of the day, though, was getting to spend quality time with my Gypsy Soul Sisters. Usually when we are together, we are either practicing or else doing the hard core studying and learning that is the biggest part of Yoga Teacher Training. But here, after volunteering and then practicing, we got to spend real time together. We walked around Asbury, did a little shopping at the outdoor Farmer’s Market, and had a delicious meal together. Getting all of us together outside of the confines of our usual learning environment was very special. I feel so blessed to have these women in my life because they all radiate love, light, and positivity… even the one who is a self-proclaimed curmudgeon. (Shout out, Liz!)

Does she look like a curmudgeon to you?

It’s so liberating to be authentically me without worrying that I’ll be judged because we are all like-minded and open to learning, even from each other. We are all just trying to be the best versions of ourselves as we can, and it’s so much easier when you are lifted up by the people around you. For me, this comes more often, because I have physical challenges that the other girls don’t have (not to mention that I’m way older than they are) yet they always encourage me and around them I am never made to feel like I’m inferior somehow. In fact, they praise what I can do, and make me see that there is absolutely no reason why I can’t be as good (or better) an instructor as anyone else once my training is done.

I could go on forever about this group of women, because I love each and every one of them, but before I get too side-tracked, I want to go back to the Karma Yoga. You see what happens often times is that you do something nice, and while helping someone else, you don’t realize how good it makes you feel so it’s really a win/win situation. It reminds me of a quote I love by Barbara DeAngelis that goes like this:

“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.”

Yes, yes, and yes! Amen.

Photo booth fun… when the photographer tells you to get closer together, this is what you do.

 

Back to School

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A few weeks ago, I wrote an intentionally cryptic blog entry because I wasn’t fully prepared to share what my next venture will be, and there were still a lot of details to be ironed out. This week, I am coming clean, and sharing what my intention is and the reasoning behind my decision. I’d like to state that pledging to do anything that requires long term commitment when you have MS is ambitious because MS has a mind of its own and can rear its ugly head at any moment, causing complete and utter chaos with a single relapse. But I’m not letting that stop me because I know that this undertaking is going to improve my life in so many ways, both tangible and intangible.

Some may have guessed already when I wasn’t ready to share, but starting in just a few weeks (September 8th to be exact) through June of 2019, I will be dedicating my life and myself to 300 hours of yoga teacher training (YTT). I haven’t been more excited about anything in such a long time, even though I realize how intense it is going to be. There will be full weekends where I’m at the studio, partial weekends, readings that are required, studying Sanskrit names and chants, field trips, guest teachers, and the list goes on.

The readings necessary for my course, plus my mini binder to organize my notes. Just go ahead and stamp “dork” on my forehead now!

When I first began thinking about doing the yoga teacher training, the only thing I could think to myself was that yoga teachers don’t look like me.  I’m not long and lean, and although I have changed my body in huge ways in the last 4 years, no one would look at me and know how hard I work to be me… still a little overweight and always morbidly obese on BMI charts because of the amount of muscle mass I carry (just one of the many reasons I do not go on a scale and when my oncology team forces me, I go on backwards and we never speak about “the number”). So one day I approached my teacher after class, and asked if she ever had someone who looked like me in her yoga teacher training classes. She did not understand the question at first because she knows my medical issues and she (a true yogi) sees me as a student who is dedicated to practice and tries her hardest on the mat every single day. And she began to list all the reasons I SHOULD take on the challenge, the most memorable to me being that I can show people that ANYONE can do yoga and with the obstacles that I deal with I can inspire many others to just get on a mat.

Just get on a mat! It’s a practice!

So I took this information to heart. But my real motivation is to gain a greater understanding and appreciation for my mind, my body, and the space I occupy on this planet. Yoga is meditative for me, and when I’m on my mat, nothing else matters. I love that yoga has been a practice for thousands of years, passed down from teacher to student, and I love that every single pose serves a purpose for the body. I love that they call it a practice, because teachers are still learning and growing, and that’s how we should all be, off the mat too. And although I’m not a big “ohm” or chanting person, the magic of hearing it to book-end a practice can not be understated. Add a harmonium and this girl, who is not a big chanter, can’t help but join in.

This beautiful gypsy soul (and her harmonium) will be my teacher.

My true intention for committing to YTT is to better myself… physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know that it will help me further my practice on the mat, but the other pieces are as vitally important to my growth as a human being as the physical part. It’s sometimes hard for me to believe how much I hated yoga when I first tried it because I had a crappy instructor who insisted I sit in a chair during class simply because I have MS. Clearly I do not need that accommodation and she rubbed me the wrong way, which usually never happens with yoga teachers because they tend to all be such incredibly beautiful souls. They emit a positivity and a spirituality that is endlessly comforting for me. Once I found the right instructor I became intrigued with all things yoga and soothed by a simple practice. And although I have come a very long way, I will always have challenges because of MS, breast cancer and the resulting surgery that inhibits full range of motion on my left arm, and a fused spine which does not allow for certain twisting poses. But I work through it, and I’m excited to see how far I can go despite it all.

Just one of my issues, but it’s not going to stop me.

I never intend to make money from this journey. I just want to be in this soothing world, and contribute to it by way of community classes or fundraisers. Whether I am a teacher or not, I will always take classes and continue my at home practice because both are such big parts of my life. As with any commitment like this, I am anxious but excited. I have my moments of self-doubt, but I also have my daily affirmations to help offset those negative feelings. The point is, how will I ever know what I am capable of if I don’t at least put myself out there and try? Failure is not in my vocabulary, so even if I have to work 20 gazillion times harder than your average yogi, then I will. It’s how I have lived my whole life. I don’t let others dictate what I can or can not do. Luckily, I have the best husband ever, who is endlessly supportive and totally gets me and my choices, and he believes that I can absolutely do whatever it is I set my mind to. I’m lucky that he is there to remind me of my strength when I am feeling weak and vulnerable.

I always feel better on my mat.

So here I go, starting out on a new adventure, and I’m sure I will be sharing plenty of it with you, my readers, if you choose to follow along with me. I know this will fill the emptiness that I have been feeling, and ever since I committed I can already recognize how my attitude has changed. What I know for sure is that whenever I have felt low and stagnant, stepping out of my comfort zone has always brought me back to a good place.

I’m just here trying to be the best version of myself possible. I will never be perfect, and I have luckily been able to leave most of my perfectionist qualities in the past, at least where it concerns not being so hard on myself. As I started to do some of my reading for YTT, I sat down with “The Motivation Manifesto” by Brendon Burchard, and although I am not that deep into the book I can tell that it will be one of those life-changing books for me. The following quote sums up everything:

“It is not merely freedom from bad things that limit us, but freedom to experience good things that awaken us.”

I couldn’t agree more. And if you’re trying to find me, especially during the next year, most likely I’ll be on my mat. Namaste 🙏🏻.

Progress

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Before I stopped working, I was such a different person. I was always on edge, despite my best efforts not to be, and I was constantly thinking about things that, in the long run, just aren’t that important. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, without paying attention to much aside from what I HAD to get done. I never thought about the things that are so important to me now: gratitude, awareness, and self-care. Such simple concepts, yet they are often overlooked by the average person.

Now I feel like I am a completely different person. I don’t remember what it’s like to not take my own needs into account because I am so much more aware of what I need to do for my body so that I can function as normally as I can. If something feels “off”, I recognize the feeling, and I do what I need to do in order to self-correct. Sometimes it means trying to rest more than I’d like, sometimes it means I need to stretch, and sometimes I need to just “power through”, trusting that I have learned to listen to my body and do what’s right. This has not been an easy lesson to learn, especially for a girl who spent her whole life as an athlete and also a perfectionist. MS and perfectionism do not go well together so in my old life I spent more time frustrated at myself when I shouldn’t have been. No one gives you a trophy for being perfect, and no one really is. Our flaws become a part of us, and certainly give us goals to work on in order to be better versions of ourselves. I can say with 100% confidence that I am far from perfect, but I am a better version of me than I ever have been, MS, breast cancer, and all.

I also don’t allow myself to get caught up in simple irritants such as traffic or dumb drivers. It’s just not worth the stress. If there’s traffic, I try to look at it as a way to catch up listening to my favorite podcasts, or simply take in the view as the seasons change from one to the next. Similarly, I find I’m more flexible where it comes to scheduling anything, because I am not working. I understand that people who have jobs deserve to have me work around them, just as I would have liked others to do for me while I was still working. It’s always appreciated by whoever is scheduling the appointments because they know that other clients/patients can only make certain time slots. I’m always willing to reschedule for the benefit of someone else who needs it, and in a very small way that doesn’t affect me at all, I am paying it forward.

In my past life, I never would have pulled over to catch this cloud ribbon across the bright blue sky. But now these are the moments I treasure and take advantage of.

I’m not saying that without work I have no goals and no schedule. In fact, I thrive on a schedule just like most teachers. I went from something so rigid that I could only use the bathroom on scheduled time, to nothing. Keeping a schedule for myself helps me feel like a productive member of society, regardless of what that schedule entails… but now I have the option to not do everything I have planned if my body is not allowing it. And MS loves that I can use the bathroom whenever my bladder feels the need, because that hasn’t always been the case, and it was one of the most difficult things I dealt with while I was working. I try to stick to my goals and my schedule but I don’t beat myself up if things don’t get done exactly in the timeline I imagined. This is a big deal to a lifetime perfectionist, and I am pretty proud of the progress I have made, even if it took breast cancer to teach me this lesson.

The last piece that has rounded out my post-teaching life is gratitude. I was so work-driven in my old life, and I always put myself last. When I thought about gratitude (which was not all that frequently), my thoughts included simple things like being grateful that my most “active” class (see that? I never thought about any class being the worst) was tolerable and didn’t leave me beaten down. Now when I think about gratitude, it’s bigger and all encompassing. I start and end every single day by listing things for which I am grateful, and I also have daily affirmations that keep me focused on me and my progress. Now my gratitude includes things like being thankful for this body of mine because no matter how damaged it is on the inside or what it looks like on the outside, it’s the only one I’ve got and it’s getting stronger every day.

The things I have written about are important to every single one of us, and I wish i knew just how much when I was living my past life. It’s so sad that it took an MS diagnosis and its progression to force me to change my life completely before I learned to put myself first. If I don’t take care of myself (physically, mentally, and spiritually), I am no good for anyone (or anything)  else. Ok… so maybe you don’t have MS or any chronic conditions that dictate your life. But I truly believe that committing to your own self-care can only make you a better version of yourself. I mean, clearly you are already awesome because you are reading my blog… but just think of how much more awesome you could be!

Retirement

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It has been almost four full years since I officially retired on disability. Some days it feels like it just happened yesterday, and other days it feels like it was a whole lifetime ago. When MS decided it was time for me to be done, the reaction I got was quite mixed. Some people thought I was doing exactly the right thing, while others felt I was far too young (only 42 years old at the time) and that I would be miserably bored. I, however, had no opinion because I felt like I was living someone else’s life and that I would undoubtedly wake up (at 4:45) from a horrible dream and end up commuting as always, ending up at my desk by 6 am.

This is the official letter that the Board of Education sent me acknowledging my retirement.

So we all know that didn’t happen and I was actually living my reality with an extremely difficult adjustment. Unlike many people, I absolutely LOVED my job. It was my passion, my driving force, and the thing that always kept me evolving. I had to. I was teaching teenagers and I did what I had to do to keep current for them. It wasn’t always easy. My classroom was a safe haven for so many and my days were usually 10-12 hours long, not even counting my 22 mile commute. Even though I often found myself unable to do anything more at the end of the day but put my head on my desk and cry out of sheer exhaustion wondering how the hell I would find the strength to get to my car and drive home, I never questioned that I was doing it out of anything but pure love for my students. And if I had to do it again, I wouldn’t change anything because it was the only way I knew how to do the job, and it’s what the kids deserved.

Addressing those who expected me to be bored and miserable, all I can say is that I’m not, because as it turns out, taking care of myself is a full time job these days. My world has certainly changed, but I don’t feel like I am a lesser human being simply because I don’t report to a paying job every day of the week. Every single day is devoted to me and my family, something that somehow got lost in the mix of being Mrs. Rankin, the teacher. Now, instead of taking care of my students first, I realize that I am no good to anyone at all if I don’t take care of me. Somehow I have ended up in this beautiful world where all the best parts of everything reside. I take care of me, and because I do, I can be fully present with my husband, and even get to spend quality time with the many students who remain a source of pride for me and are the proof that I did, indeed, do my job the way it was meant to be done.

So what does taking care of Rennie look like? Well, it’s committing to a healthy life, including diet and exercise. It’s knowing when my body needs rest so no matter how badly I want to get to that Tuesday morning yoga class, I understand that sometimes, I just can’t make it happen. It’s about taking care of my mind and spirit with a consistent meditation habit that allows me to settle in and find clarity. It’s about being kind to others in any way possible so that I put good karma out into the universe, because it always comes back and in spades. It’s about learning about who I am and why I am who I am, so that I am always evolving, becoming a better version of myself. It’s about love and laughter that feed my soul and keep me smiling. It’s about volunteerism, whether with the dogs at Marty’s Place or helping the many MS patients who are referred to me for too many reasons to count. This life that I’m living right now is truly beautiful, and even if I could have kept working I never would have been able to appreciate it the way I do because of how focused I was on that one thing I thought defined me: my job.

That brings me to something I have written about before, but I’ll give you the abridged version right here. When I first stopped working, I was a complete and utter disaster… an emotional wreck who cried at every single session with my therapist. She told me that I just have to learn to appreciate “Holland”. What? Ok so let’s say you’ve planned your whole life to take an amazing trip to Paris. You’ve researched everything from food to museums to hotels to excursions. You’re on the plane and you’re so psyched that in mere hours you’ll be living your dream. When the plane lands, you’re not in Paris. Instead you find yourself in Holland, which you are not prepared for so you are devastated. But Holland is awesome! There are tons of museums and fun things to do, and besides that, the people are incredible. So even though Plan A wasn’t meant to be, that doesn’t mean Plan B has to suck.

Paris, obviously. I am glad I travelled while I was young and healthy!

I’ve been living in “Holland” for four years now, and it has gotten better and better the longer I’m here. I no longer dream about “Paris” because life in Holland has been good to me, and has given me more gifts than I ever thought possible. There is a quote by Sarah Ban Breathnach that says, “Success in life is not how well we execute Plan A; it’s how smoothly we cope with Plan B.” Indeed!

There is nothing more beautiful than life in Holland!

 

Enough

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Recently I was introduced to a book that changed my life. First I listened to the audio version, which is generally what I do. But I found the book so powerful on so many levels that I actually bought it. Now it’s full of notes and highlights because I have read it over and over, and no matter where I open it to, I find something useful. It’s called “I Heart Me (The Science of Self-Love)” by David Hamilton, PhD.

I am enough!

(Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with the publishing or creation of this book, nor do I receive anything for endorsing it!)

Basically, the book explains that self worth is about biology and is in our genes, yet somehow we lose sight of it as we navigate our way through life. We seek validation from others, but our worth is within us when we reprogram our brains to acknowledge it.  In essence, the book helps us understand ourselves, learning to be truly authentic and happy, with the goal being the ability to say “I am enough” and truly mean it.

The phrase “I am enough” has become part of my daily intentions (or mantra). Every single day when I write my intentions in my journal, I start off with that phrase, even if I didn’t mean it when I first started doing it. But part of reprogramming our brains, according to Dr. Hamilton, includes repetition of this phrase because eventually we become fully aware of it and we believe it.

Thinking about what my blog would be this week, my MS sister (who actually introduced me to this book) suggested talking about all the reasons that make me feel that “I am enough” even though people with chronic illnesses often can’t recognize these things in themselves for a multitude of reasons.

For example, many of us don’t work because we are on permanent disability. For someone who identified herself first and foremost as a teacher, when I stopped working it was hard to see that “I am enough” when the thing that most defined me was no longer a part of my life. But my legacy remains and because I am still surrounded by so many young adults who have been a part of my life since they were just teenagers, they remind me that I am enough.

This guy right here is just one of the many former students who remain constants in my life. #blessed

This book also taught me that I don’t need people to like me in order to be enough. I spent so many years putting other people before myself and I thought that doing more for them meant they would like me more, and therefore I would be validated. The truth is that validation comes from within and while I love doing for others, I don’t need to in order to be enough. Narrowing my circle of friends to those who truly love and appreciate me is so much more empowering, and no matter how much or how little I give them, I know that I am enough.

These friends never make me feel like I am not enough. #mssisters

As a perfectionist, I was never happy unless I achieved perfection.  This happened in all aspects of my life. Reading this book made me see that I need not be perfect in order to be enough. I learned that only I could see what I perceived as inadequacies and faults because I was the only one holding the microscope up to myself. As promised in this book, moving forward with self-love made the perfectionism fade. I’m not saying I have overcome it entirely but I’m a whole lot better than I used to be.

Perhaps one of the most important lessons that Dr. Hamilton taught me in this book is that I don’t have to look a certain way or be a certain size in order to be enough. Body image has long been an issue for me, and learning to love my body no matter what size or shape, without shame, comes slowly. I had to learn to think outside the stereotype I felt I needed to live up to, and instead focus on the many things I do to keep myself strong. Opinions are subjective and I might not fit anyone else’s ideal, but I am 100% me. Comparing to anyone but myself resulted in an unhealthy feeling that lead to never feeling I was enough, and I am.

It doesn’t matter what i look like. Whether heavier or thinner, I am loved. Sure, I like being thinner like I am now, but I face a lot of obstacles, and regardless of my size I am enough.

Allowing my vulnerability to show has also given me great strength. There is something very liberating about baring one’s soul, and other people appreciate it even if they can’t quite identify it. Vulnerability includes being honest and authentic with ourselves and others, and only then can a true connection be made. Even though we could get hurt in the process, it’s worth it because we learn that even though we are raw and sometimes flawed, we are still enough.

But by far the most valuable lesson this book taught me is that I need to be as compassionate, forgiving, and understanding with myself as I am with others in my life. We are always quick to comfort others when they feel they have made a mistake, but we don’t offer ourselves the same courtesy. I deserve compassion. I deserve forgiveness. I deserve understanding. I am human, too. And I am enough.

Bru always always assures me that I am enough.

This book was no ordinary book for me. What I learned is that it’s very liberating to go through the process of accepting that I am enough. In every way. If you are ready to learn how to accept yourself as enough, the minutia of daily life that normally makes you feel inferior, no longer weighs you down. The progress I have made has not been easy nor has it come quickly. But every day I am making steps to be the truly happy and authentic me that is just waiting to make her appearance. I am not sure the version of me that first listened to this book would even recognize me now, and I’m not even done yet. In the meantime, I can rest comfortably knowing that I am, indeed, enough.

Transformation

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It’s that time of year again… the summer is drawing to a close, with everyone taking their last trips down the shore, enjoying the joys that summer always brings, while preparing excitedly for a brand new school year.

At this time every year, I like to reflect upon how insanely different my life (and my attitude) is since MS made the decision for me to retire on disability in May, 2014, after already being on sick leave for all but the first four weeks of the school year.

Back then, I couldn’t imagine my life without the career that had defined me in so many ways, and that I was so passionate about. I considered myself beyond lucky to have a job that I loved, because so many people are not as fortunate. People often told me that I was one of the few people they knew who actually liked her job. And I did. Every damn second of it.

Now that I am a few years removed from the feeling of such a devastating loss for me, I have clarity that I didn’t have before, and gratitude for everything, including the painful, emotional, difficult situation that started me on this part of my journey. I never dreamed that I could ever be in this beautiful place that I currently find myself in, happier than ever, which I could not have imagined when I was still working.

The other day, a Staples commercial came on TV advertising their usual 10 cent sale, and I was brought back to the days when I used to have lists of which retail establishment had things on sale that I needed for my classroom so that I could stock up for the year. I used to get so excited about these things, and now it hardly even phases me. I love that because it shows how much I have grown during the last couple of years.

I’m not saying that I got here without my share of growing pains, but I am saying that I understand it’s all a part of the process. Once I opened myself up to the possibilities of creating a new life, it changed my perception of everything I knew.

What I know now is that regardless of how much I loved my students (and still do!), my own family always needs to come first. I often lost sight of that as a teacher, but I don’t regret it because now I have all of these amazing young adults who make up such a big part of my life, and I love that. I love watching them venture out on their own, doing the adult thing, and spreading their wings to soar.

I also know that taking care of myself is vitally important. When I was working, I overlooked my own wellness in favor of my job and my students. Again, I don’t regret it because of the amount of love and gratitude they gave back to me (and still do), but I know that I am of no good use to anyone if I am not staying on top of my own health and wellness. This includes all the things I have incorporated into my post-teacher life: meditation, yoga, hardcore exercise, acupuncture, reiki, and healthy eating, all of which force me to put myself above all others so that I can stay strong for the long haul.

I remember the days when the weekends meant nothing more than time to grade, write lesson plans, and create dynamic presentations for my classes, leaving no time to actually enjoy spending time being fully present with my loved ones. Once again, I have no regrets about how I lived my career because it’s what the kids deserved and I don’t know how to do it any other way.

But now… now life is better than I ever thought possible. My circle of friends has changed, but in a good way because I am surrounded by other people who take nothing for granted and never waste an opportunity to laugh and smile because we are grateful for the life we are living, regardless of whether we chose it or not. I am more in love with my husband than ever because we have been given this incredible gift of time together. Hell, we even booked a vacation in September, something we have never, EVER done before. Some small part of me still feels like a rebel for doing it, but no matter how much time passes, I guess old habits do, indeed, die hard. But lucky for me, I have worked very hard to help these old habits go by the wayside.

The transformation from Mrs. Rankin to Rennie has not been an easy one, but it is ongoing and I’m getting better at it all the time. I have been transforming my entire world: physically, mentally, and spiritually for the last few years, and my progress has been slow but steady, and that’s ok. I know that as human beings, one of our biggest challenges is having the ability to change according to our life circumstances, good or bad. I’m not going to lie and say that the process has been an easy one, or that I don’t have my moments of weakness, but it does get easier with time and with the determination to live my very best life possible. Rather than crying about the fact that I am not going back to work this week, I am happily wishing my former colleagues the very best of luck as they begin the new school year. Life is, after all, what we make of it, and I am making mine everything I want it to be. So who wants to join me in a glass half full of lemonade?

The sunrise over the Raritan River by Rutgers University, a very symbolic photo at a place that will always hold an extra special place in my heart.

Partner

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The other day, Bruce turned to me, and asked me why I always refer to him as my partner rather than my husband.  It’s not that he was upset or angry about it, it’s just that he was curious. And looking back at the many blog posts that include him in any way, I do always refer to him as my partner.

I looked at him and I almost didn’t even know where to start explaining. I mean partner encompasses so much more than saying husband or spouse. By being partners, Bruce and I share every single aspect of our life together.

This is the exact spot where Bruce first saw me walking across campus, and last summer we went back to the scene of the crime!

By simply calling him my husband, no one would know that he is my care partner. He is the one I lean on when I’m not feeling well, and he puts everything else aside for me during those times. He supports me physically when I’m not well by picking up my share of the slack around the house while still working full time. He does this without complaint, knowing that if the roles were reversed, I would do the very same for him.

Calling him my husband doesn’t reflect the depth of our friendship, that started when we were just 18 years old. He was my best bud for years before we started dating, and the history we shared during those years made our relationship much more special when we finally did get together. That’s how I knew it was for keeps because he’s still my best friend. He’s the first one I turn to when I need love and support. He makes me laugh so hard that I cry (and maybe even pee a little bit… but that could be MS too!?), and having him beside me, even if we are just sitting in silence, provides me with the kind peace of mind that calms me to my very core.

Saying that Bruce is my husband can’t possibly do justice to the guy who loved me even when my entire life revolved around my job… and even more when I added graduate school to the mix, taking away more time together from the already limited amount we had. Even when we were spending time together, I was always thinking about school or grad school. I was seldom fully present, but he supported me anyway because that’s what partners do.

Being my partner means that he has chosen to continue on our journey together despite the many obstacles we have faced. Being my partner means sharing the burden equally, and that burden can be pretty weighty at times. But when we each take half, it’s not so bad. Bruce wears many hats in our world… best friend, care partner, husband, fiancée, soul mate, and partner.

A reenactment of one of the very first pictures of us, taken in New Hope, PA.

I can’t even remember what it’s like to not have him as my partner, or when his title evolved to partner. What I do know is that having him as my partner in life has made everything better, including MS and breast cancer. Having him as my partner means I smile wider, love harder, and give thanks every damn day that he is there.

The truest sign of our partnership is that we complement each other so that each of us is better because of the other. With all that being said, it is true that Bruce is my husband. But he is my partner in this life, and being my partner entails way more than just being my husband. Plus, he’s the captain of #TeamRankin… and as we all know, #TeamRankin never loses!

Perspective

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This past week I had a few rough patches. One day I found myself telling my MS family, and they all offered me comfort in the same loving way they always do. I thanked them and told them it was all good because tomorrow is a brand new day full of possibilities. Then another day, as we all checked in with each other via text, the norm on days when we don’t see each other, I found myself when asked how I was doing, responding that I could complain but I don’t. It’s not an act or something I put on in front of people, but rather absolutely the true and honest way I live my life.

(MS) Family is everything. My girls, my sisters, my angels. They saved me and showed me how to live as Rennie.

Every day when I sit with my journal and write my gratitude list, it seems to get longer and longer. Obviously I am grateful for the most amazing husband and partner, and the life we have built together. But beyond that, I’m grateful for things most  people don’t even think about… the perfect spring day photo field-tripping with my photog buddies, an awesome workout when my trainer says things like “MS? What MS?”, a body-encompassing hug from the ones I hold dear, doggy kisses (even when I’m frustrated about cleaning up another poop in the house), and even despite MS and breast cancer, I am so incredibly grateful for my health. It is precarious at times, but I have learned to slow down and nurture it, my relationships and how they have changed as a result, and the family I would never have found if I had perfect health!

My sneaky friend Marlene caught me thoroughly making the best of the photo field trip “barn tour” we took last week.

It’s so unfortunate that many people are never given this kind of eye-opening gift… one that comes from a difficult life circumstance but makes you see everything differently. I was that person until MS forced me to give up my beloved career. And even then, it has taken me years of processing and learning how to accept myself in this new light. I genuinely feel lucky for the gifts that I’ve been given through an experience that was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I will never, ever regret the passion, energy, sleepless nights, and endless piles of work that made me Mrs. Rankin, the teacher, because I have so many beautiful people in my life because of her.

Mrs. Rankin with some of her all-time faves at their very last Walk MS before graduating.

But Rennie, the human being, has learned how to be satisfied with her best effort and she is not (quite as) obsessed with being perfect. She appreciates every moment of every day, whether she is spending time with former students, friends, and family, or spending the day cuddled on the couch with her pups. This girl knows how lucky she is that she has the opportunity to take care of herself how and when she needs without losing sight of that because she always took care of everyone and everything job-related before anything else, including her own wellness. She always sought work/life balance but she just couldn’t make it happen. Nothing could. Except MS.

Yoga has definitely been something I have leaned makes me feel better, and has also helped me get to know who Rennie is. I’m far from perfect, but it is called a practice for a reason!

Fighting a battle against MS is not easy, and certainly made harder when breast cancer was added to the mix. But again, I learned so much about who I could count on as part of my “ride or die” team, and also about myself and my own priorities. What I know for sure is that every single day is a clean slate and offers a whole new set of opportunities for each and every one of us. Instead of dwelling on what I miss about being Mrs. Rankin, I look at how much better it is to just be Rennie. I mean, my students are still growing up in front of me and doing some massively impressive stuff. And I get to experience it totally differently because I am Rennie. I don’t have to wake up at 4:45 in the morning and be within the confines of a classroom to continue my work as a teacher. I can really enjoy nights and weekends without the pressure of the job constantly weighing in the back of my mind.

New possibilities every single day…

Now I’m not saying I was miserable when I was Mrs. Rankin because that would devalue everything I did to be the teacher I was. I loved every second of it, but I just didn’t know how much more I could love life. And I do. I take nothing for granted because there are no guarantees ever.

Life with this guy since I stopped working just keeps getting better and better.

These days I’m smiling a whole lot more, laughing out loud (often boisterously and without fear of being stared at), and definitely loving those who have stayed the course with me much more deeply than ever. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a scare of epic proportions to gain the kind of perspective we all need to live a genuinely happy life. I’ve definitely had my share of these “scares” and oddly enough, I am happy that I have, because I am a better person, in a better place than I ever thought possible.

August

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It’s that time of year again. As August comes to a close, the back-to-school photos are slowly creeping in to my various news feeds. This has never been an easy time for me, whether I was full of anxiety preparing for a new school year, or even now that I am no longer working and full of nostalgia for what used to drive me. My emotions are all over the place, and even though I have come to terms with how things have worked out for me, times like this still tug at my heart strings. 

Former students have always remained a huge part of my life, when I was still working, and even to this day.

Former students have always remained a huge part of my life, when I was still working, and even to this day.

This is going to be the third opening of school since I began my disability retirement. It does seem to get easier every year, but I don’t think I will ever be un-phased by it. The first year, I went running to my daddy’s house in Florida to escape, and took myself completely off of Facebook for two weeks. I am pretty sure that I just did not want to see the world (in which I proudly resided for 15 years) go on without me. But it does. Everyone is replaceable at work. EVERYONE. And even though I thought my world would come to a halt, it most certainly has not. Quite the opposite, actually. 

I no longer spend the summer, especially August, in back-to-school mode: decorating my classroom, lesson planning, PowerPointing, re-vamping past activities, creating seating charts, photocopying, and shopping for school supplies. Yet the other day I still couldn’t turn away from a commercial advertising a 12-pack of Sharpies for $3.00! (It wouldn’t have been so bad if Bruce didn’t catch me in the act. Old habits…)

I never imagined that I could exist in a world where I wasn’t Mrs. Rankin, the teacher. My whole life revolved around my “kids” and my job. I remember feeling such intense loss and emptiness, and I felt as if my whole identity was a question mark without that one thing that had always defined me. But in these last three years, I have worked incredibly hard on figuring out who I am without what I had always considered the characteristic that most described me. 

Having been a teacher will always be the one thing I am most proud of in my life, because I was lucky enough to meet and get to know a new crop of amazing students every single year. People don’t become teachers for the salary, but the rewards are priceless. Nothing makes me happier than visiting with former students who are growing up to do unbelievable things as they find their own ways to being productive members of society. 

Three years later, I still find this time of year bittersweet. But I no longer feel like that world goes on without me, because this new world that I have been exploring is fulfilling my soul in completely different ways. For every teacher “friend” (a term used very loosely since only about three of them have proven to truly be friends) that pushed me aside as part of their past, I have been blessed with new friends who have made it clear that they are committed to be by my side in the future. 

I will always miss my students, but I will never miss the way I sacrificed so much of my life (and my energy) for my job. Life is about the loving relationships we build and maintain, and memories we make along the way. Those memories should include the people we love most, and although I loved (and still do) the thousands of students who entered my classroom through the years, I am grateful that my focus is now squarely on me. It might sound selfish, but I spent too many years focusing on others that I lost sight of the most important thing of all: taking care of number one! 

For as much as MS has taken away from me, I have been given many gifts that I never would have been given otherwise. I now appreciate and am grateful for every minute I get to spend with my loved ones, and I never take it for granted. I recognize how fortunate I am to be able to listen to my body, resting when necessary, and making it stronger by dedicating the time (that I couldn’t spare when I was working) for proper exercise. And of course, I will be forever indebted to my MS family, including the best trainer ever, for walking (or hobbling or rolling) into my life and changing it forever, in all the best ways possible. 

So even though I’ll always feel a little pang of sadness at the beginning of the school year, it does, indeed, get just a tiny bit easier as time goes by. There is a reason why things worked out this way for me, even if it isn’t blatantly clear to me at the moment. But I believe that the universe works in powerful and mysterious ways, and things unfold exactly as they should. The only thing I know for sure is that I am a happier, more balanced person now, even despite the obstacles and the circumstances that brought me here. In fact, three years ago, I would have never been able to say, with 100% sincerity, that life is pretty damn good. Today I can tell you that it’s friggin’ awesome…as long as you open your eyes and take a good look around. 

If you open your eyes (which I was always too busy to do), you will see the world a whole lot differently!

If you open your eyes (which I was always too busy to do), you will see the world a whole lot differently!