Tag Archives: fresh start

Slow and Steady

Last week I posted on my Instagram account as well as in my closed MS and Exercise group (pretty much the only reason I stay on Facebook) a “Transformation Tuesday” picture. This is a rare occurrence for me because I seldom post pictures of me alone unless I’m in some sort of yoga pose. However, it is around this time every year when I try to take inventory of things in my life. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s that I resigned as a teacher right around this time of the year, or perhaps I just get more self inquisitive because the weather can keep me isolated.

The picture I posted compares where I am right now to this time around four years ago. Let me start by saying that four years ago I was practically jumping and doing cartwheels because I had slowly been working to overcome a particularly tough MS relapse.

I will also say that I have long since suffered from body dysmorphia so I never see myself any differently in the mirror and the only way I see a difference is by making a side by side comparison like the one I posted. I’m pretty sure that lots of women suffer the same issues as I do, as we are all constantly exposed to what society deems “normal” or “healthy”, and very often what we see or hear is false. Air-brushing makes our idols seem perfect and we all strive to be like our idols.

I’ve also had a pretty contentious relationship with the scale my whole life. I remember getting weighed in the locker room during gymnastics practice one day when I was 14 years old, and my coach told me to lose 30 pounds. I’ll never forget her words: “So if you are going to eat a sandwich, just eat half. If you’re going to eat an apple, just eat half.” This on top of hearing snippets of conversations of my mother talking on the phone to someone or other about my weight. At age 14, I was a normal sized kid, very muscular from participating in many sports, and with a thick frame. But all of these issues have remained with me to the point that when I see any of my doctors (and there are lots thanks to breast cancer and MS), they all know my deal. I understand that they want to monitor my weight so that they can compare to see if there are drastic, unexplained changes happening. But I will always step on backwards, and they will never tell me the number, and we will never discuss whatever the number on the scale reads. It’s not important. My blood pressure is normal to low, my resting pulse rate reflects that of an athlete for sure, and I know how I’m doing because my clothes tell me.

The reason for my “Transformation Tuesday” post was to show others who struggle like I do/did to get to where I am that there are no fads or gimmicks out there. This is something that is four years in the making, and I’m still not done. When I first looked at the difference between me today and me four years ago, I almost didn’t even see a change because that’s how programmed I am. I wanted people to know that I did this despite having MS and breast cancer, and that results don’t happen overnight. The only way lasting changes dig in and latch on is by going slow and steady. We are all on a journey and although we might not be clear about where we are heading, we must keep reminding ourselves that slow and steady wins the race every single time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and anyone who has run a marathon will talk about the endless training that happens in order to prepare for race day.

Ultimately I have been working to be the strongest me I can be so that Bruce and I can have the best life possible together for as many years as we are given. I know that I need to stay strong so I can always get down on the floor and play cars or LEGO with my sweet nephew. I need to stay strong so that I never become a burden to anyone, especially to Bruce, who has always been my rock.

Every single day, I’m trying to be a stronger, better version of myself and if that includes weight loss as a happy by-product, great! And if not, I would be perfectly happy being fat(ter) and strong because that is my driving motivation. Strong. The people who I love most said things like “Holy cow! But I never saw you any differently then.” Those people are the truest friends I have.

So my message is to never judge a book by its cover. I mean, I know it sounds cliche, but when you see someone you haven’t seen in a while, and perhaps they’ve gained a few pounds, just love them. You don’t know what obstacles have crossed their path and they could be dealing with emotional baggage, medical concerns, or a host of other things that we do not understand.

Four years ago, most people would have looked at me and called me fat, and hell, people probably still do. But I know that changes don’t happen overnight, and so no matter where you are, just keep trucking. Goals are meant to be accomplished by putting in the hard work. I never, ever lose sight of my goals, and I keep pushing myself (even gently at times) because there is joy and satisfaction in accomplishing what you set out to do. So I’ll see you at the finish line! Look for me there, cheering you on.

Happy New Year

New Year’s Resolutions are not something that I give much credence to, and I don’t generally make them. Most people who make them stick to them for a brief period of time and usually they are forgotten before the first blooms of spring. Instead of making resolutions I like to talk about behaviors that I have incorporated into my life that have made me happy, and be aware of them to bring forward into the new year. After all, it’s a blank canvas waiting for each of us, and the possibilities are endless. While focusing on resolutions can lead to unnecessary pressure, behaviors that serve us well can be recognized immediately and are easily carried out. So, this week I am sharing just a sampling of my goals for 2019….

– Be as kind to myself as I am to others. This is not easy to do. Most of the pressure we put on ourselves is self derived. I always try to practice simple acts of kindness and that includes those geared towards my own self care. I will listen to my body, and if it requires a day on the couch with the dogs instead of on my yoga mat or volunteering, I will not beat myself up for it. 

How could snuggling with a sleeping pup on my chest be a bad thing?

– Live happily and freely, expressing joy and gratitude every single day. I journal my gratitude twice daily, and it helps keep me grounded in reality knowing that I am grateful for things that are far from superficial. Living happily and freely means doing what makes me happy without fear of judgement. After all, everyone’s perception is his or her own reality. Being different is not a negative… in fact, that’s what makes us human! 

– Stop comparing myself to others. It’s unfair to me because generally I compare myself to those who I think are “better” or “skinnier” or “smarter” than I am. Who am I to compare myself to anyone when no one I compare myself to has to live with the same life circumstances that I do? I can only compare myself to me, and then I can feel pride when I recognize how far I have come even though I still have a long way to go on my own journey.

If you don’t understand the “AF” part, ask a millennial!

– Each day, strive to be a better version of me than I was yesterday: physically, mentally, and spiritually. I think about the result my actions have on me and those around me, and I try to keep in mind how quickly we can affect others by how we act and what we say. I am constantly reading self improvement books along with the yoga teachings (which are surprisingly similar), along with practicing Transcendental Meditation and regularly seeing my therapist, all of which help me to understand the power that resides within me. 

– No one who lives with chronic illness is a stranger to setbacks, and I am including myself. I understand that a lot is outside of my control, and I can’t blame myself when those setbacks arise. What I know is that I always come back stronger after a setback because my determination gets fueled and I refuse to simply give in. I have fought MS long and hard for over 15 years, and I would venture to say that today, I am stronger as a result. Hell, I even beat the crap out of breast cancer because I’m so used to fighting. 

Proudly pink!

I could continue on with more of these positive behaviors and attitudes that I am giving renewed spirit to because it’s the new year, but these are conscious changes that are based in something so much more profound than making a resolution that most likely gets forgotten before we even get a good snowfall around these parts. If you are a person who can make resolutions and stick to them for the entire year, I commend you because I guarantee that you are in the minority. 

One thing I know is that when I stopped focusing on how others see me, and started focusing on who I wanted to be, everything changed for me. If you are a resolution person, go forth and fulfill those promises. And if you’re not, maybe you can reframe those resolutions to make them meaningful to YOU and your place in the world. Either way, may 2019 bring you joy, happiness, and good health, because every single living being deserves as much. And remember that it’s a long journey, so don’t forget to pause and enjoy all the magnificent landmarks along the way!

That’s Mendenhall Glacier behind us… the trip of a lifetime for us was Alaska!

Headstands For Hunger

Recently, my fellow yoga teachers in training, our instructor, and an alum of this YTT (that I am LOVING!) decided to do some Karma Yoga. Many forms of yoga don’t include an actual physical yoga practice, and Karma Yoga is the path of service. This annual event supports our local community by collecting money (as well as food) for both humans and animals.  It’s a dog-friendly event which takes place at a ginormous venue: the Asbury Park Convention Hall.

We got there early because we were volunteering at the event. We also brought with us a decent amount of both human and pet food, as well as our financial contribution so that we could also take the class.  Wherever we were needed was where we went. It didn’t seem like a huge deal to us, but it made a big difference to the event organizer who felt comfortable enough to lean on us and put us to work. And that’s really the point. I mean, it was such a small thing that we did, and it benefitted so many living beings in our local community. I think it’s important for everyone to remember (especially at this time of the year) that no matter how small your act of kindness is, the effect is far bigger than you realize. It doesn’t take much to help others in need, and no matter how much (or how little) you have, there are always people worse off than you, and doing for others definitely gives you a certain warmth that has nothing to do with the temperature outside.

My beautiful gypsy soul sisters waiting for the practice to begin.

I was amazed at how many people from the local yoga community came out to support this event on a chilly Sunday morning in November. The energy of the room was amazing, with yogis ranging from super-advanced, all the way to some who had never done any yoga ever. At this dog-friendly event, they roamed freely as we practiced.  Several teachers traded off at the microphone, each taking a part of the 90 minute practice. There were vendors of all sorts, ranging from jewelry, to clothing, tarot card readers, and even a photo booth. In sum, this day had something to offer every single person there, and every single person there made the choice to give to the greater good just by being there.

By far the best part of the day, though, was getting to spend quality time with my Gypsy Soul Sisters. Usually when we are together, we are either practicing or else doing the hard core studying and learning that is the biggest part of Yoga Teacher Training. But here, after volunteering and then practicing, we got to spend real time together. We walked around Asbury, did a little shopping at the outdoor Farmer’s Market, and had a delicious meal together. Getting all of us together outside of the confines of our usual learning environment was very special. I feel so blessed to have these women in my life because they all radiate love, light, and positivity… even the one who is a self-proclaimed curmudgeon. (Shout out, Liz!)

Does she look like a curmudgeon to you?

It’s so liberating to be authentically me without worrying that I’ll be judged because we are all like-minded and open to learning, even from each other. We are all just trying to be the best versions of ourselves as we can, and it’s so much easier when you are lifted up by the people around you. For me, this comes more often, because I have physical challenges that the other girls don’t have (not to mention that I’m way older than they are) yet they always encourage me and around them I am never made to feel like I’m inferior somehow. In fact, they praise what I can do, and make me see that there is absolutely no reason why I can’t be as good (or better) an instructor as anyone else once my training is done.

I could go on forever about this group of women, because I love each and every one of them, but before I get too side-tracked, I want to go back to the Karma Yoga. You see what happens often times is that you do something nice, and while helping someone else, you don’t realize how good it makes you feel so it’s really a win/win situation. It reminds me of a quote I love by Barbara DeAngelis that goes like this:

“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.”

Yes, yes, and yes! Amen.

Photo booth fun… when the photographer tells you to get closer together, this is what you do.

 

Autumn

Traditionally this has always been my favorite time of the year. If it seems like this entry is late to be talking about the fall, that’s because it feel like it came so late this year! In fact, it seems to arrived just in the last week here in NJ, and I have been eagerly awaiting it. There is nothing I love more than the cool summer nights because it’s a sign from Mother Nature that autumn is approaching. I am constantly awestruck by the beauty of the fall. I love the colors of the leaves turning. I love the crisp fall wind. I love the faint smell of fireplaces warming up chilly homes. I love the sound of the rustling leaves. I love wearing hoodies and Uggs. In my past life, I loved the excitement of a new school year, because one of the greatest things about being a teacher is getting a fresh start every single year.

How could I not love a season that offers this much beauty?

When I was little, I eagerly prepared for the beginning of school. I carefully assembled my binder, making sure that each subject had the exact same number of loose-leaf pages. I had my pencil case stuffed to the max with every single color pen, pencils, highlighters, and whiteout. I could spend hours roaming around the school supplies aisles anywhere I went, just to make sure I had everything I could possibly need. I even did the same thing this year as I prepared to be a student once again, this time in Yoga Teacher Training! This excitement continued for me through my college years, and eventually through all my teaching years. I spent dollars upon dollars making sure I would have a well-stocked, beautifully decorated classroom. I spent many days prior to the contractual school year preparing my classroom so that my new batch of students would feel welcomed on day one.

This was my home for many years, and now my world is so much larger than this one classroom.

These days,  I am more at peace during this time of year than ever before. Obviously I still love everything about this time of the year, but every year I feel less and less nostalgic about the one piece that is missing for me. My teacher friends are back in school mode, dealing with more stress than ever, and although I don’t wish it for them, I am grateful that it isn’t me. On the one hand, I ache for the days when I was anticipating the new school year. It’s a strange combination of excitement and apprehension, but I always found it exhilarating. But, on the other hand, I have this new life that I have settled into, that is so very fulfilling without a fraction of the stress that is so unfairly placed upon educators.I still get to enjoy the colors of the season. I still get to enjoy the fall wind. I still get to enjoy the faint smell of fireplaces. I still get to enjoy the sound of rustling leaves. I still get to enjoy wearing hoodies and Uggs, and even more so now that I don’t have to comply with a dress code that does not include those items! But instead of looking forward to a new school year, I look forward to new traditions. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I love and appreciate my favorite parts of the fall even more now that I get to take the time to be fully present in the here and now. Everything seems more beautiful to me now because I take the time to truly embrace the simple pleasures in life. I even get to spend quality time with my loved ones whenever I want, even though school has started because I no longer wear those blinders that kept me focused on one thing, and one thing only: my job. Bruce and I have started a new tradition the last few years by vacationing towards the end of September because it’s such a great time to head north to our favorite spot in Vermont. Taking a vacation whenever I want? It was not even a possibility in my old life. Even four years later, I still feel like such a rebel!

Even in the rain, I stop to appreciate the beauty.



 

 

Clinical Trial

Today I am sharing an updated version of a previous blog post because I couldn’t let Clinical Trials Awareness Week go by without acknowledging the many, many patients who put their health and welfare on the line each and every day as human guinea pigs, in order to broaden the spectrum of treatment options for patients suffering from a myriad of conditions. Without further ado, I present my own experience as a clinical trial participant.


In honor of Clinical Trials Awareness Week (April 30 – May 4, 2018), I decided to share my experience as a participant in the clinical trial for what was once FTY720, then Fingolimod, and ultimately became Gilenya, the first oral medication for relapsing forms of Multiple Sclerosis.

The months leading up to my search for alternate treatment options were some of the darkest of my life. I had exhausted all of the available approved medications (at that time only four different injectable options). After I had failed on a once a month infusion therapy, which to me was nothing more than hanging out with my friends once a month, except we all had IVs in our arms, I began my last remaining option: a daily injection, which ruled my world. I had horrible injection site reactions, regardless of how diligently I rotated my injection sites. I tried a heating pad, I tried ice, I tried morning, I tried night, I tried just after a shower. I tried everything to make things better, but to no avail. The worst part about the MS treatments is that they don’t offer any “relief”, and taking them is a really all about the future. They are the best chance we have of slowing the progression of an inevitably progressive illness, but there is no instant gratification, and the results will never truly be known. In any case, I knew I wanted to be on treatment, but I did not feel that I could withstand the torture of the burning lumps, bruises, and excruciating after-effects of my current medication.  

With no other treatment options available to me, I dove into the world of clinical trials. Coincidentally, I had seen a segment on the news regarding the Novartis Freedoms II trial testing the efficacy and safety of an oral medication, and I learned that the trial was recruiting participants. I found an online screener, completed it, and was directed to a study center that was participating.  After the online screener, I received a generic “thank you for your interest” email, advising me that if my preliminary responses indicated I was eligible, a study nurse would contact me. I felt deflated, again yearning for instant gratification yet not getting it. But several days later, I received a phone call from the nurse, and spent about an hour discussing the course of my MS in great detail. At the end of our conversation, I was one step closer as we scheduled a face-to-face appointment to discuss the informed consent, which is a huge document outlining every single side effect that had been reported, as well as what my responsibilities would include. It was a pretty scary wad of papers that my husband and I scoured through (also enlisting the help of my dad, my sister, and my mother-in-law), and came back with a list of questions for my next appointment. 

In November of 2008, I had my first of many appointments at The Gimbel MS Center at Holy Name Hospital in Teaneck, NJ. It was one of the very first ever comprehensive care centers for MS and it has a great reputation, particularly relating to research studies. I met with the study nurse who went over the informed consent, point by point with me. She patiently answered all of my questions, understanding of how scary a proposition it is to enroll in a research study where you may (or may not) be taking a medication that is brand new, with side effects and efficacy yet to be discovered. Preliminary results from early trials can be encouraging but still do not tell the entire story. But that November day in ’08, I made a decision that undoubtedly changed my life for the better. I consented to a two year, double blind, placebo controlled clinical trial. I knew that the possibility existed that I would be on no medication at all for two years, but they were testing two different drug strengths versus placebo, so I felt that my odds were pretty good. Instead of a fifty/fifty chance of getting the product, I had a two out of three chance. In my mind, I just knew that the universe would take care of me. 

Being in a clinical trial requires commitment. Even before I took my first dose, I had two full days of baseline testing which included visits with a dermatologist, an ophthalmologist, pulmonary exams, MRIs, EKGs, and I even had to wear a 24 hour Holter Monitor (which I told my students was recording everything going on in the classroom…and they believed it!). Additionally, I had to meet with the researching neurologist, the examining neurologist, and I underwent a battery of neurological tests (which I’m convinced are all meant as torture devices) with the study nurse. And this process was repeated every 3 months. As much as scheduling was often difficult because I was still working, being monitored so closely made me feel safe even in previously uncharted territory in the world of MS treatments. 

It didn’t take long before I was convinced that I was on the product and not a placebo. I am very sensitive to medications, and I am known to experience side effects, even those deemed “rare” for most patients. This was no exception! In fact, there were  times that I was forced to take a “study drug holiday” until things normalized in my system. I was doubtful that my elevated liver enzymes, or the variation of my absolute lymphocyte count could be attributed to the “placebo effect”! But I still stuck it out. I committed for a two year trial, and I knew in advance what the risks were. I could have opted out at any time, but I felt it was important to follow through. They might not have liked how my body reacted at times, but it was data that needed to be collected for the good of the MS Community.

This was a 3 month supply of my study drug. Every 3 months I had to bring what was remaining and switch for a new “kit”, even if there were pills left. They always gave a few extra just to allow for scheduling issues.

Nothing about the clinical trial surprised me, including the fact that they did not want to use me in an extension trial. In fact, they did not even want me to complete the trial with them. At month 21, the very product I had been taking, became commercially available as Gilenya, the first ever oral medication for relapsing forms of Multiple Sclerosis. I maintain that if my numbers were ideal throughout my time in the trial, I would have been asked to complete the “exit” portion, which in essence, would have sealed my numbers into the results of the trial (and also given me “free” study meds for 3 more months!). I transitioned to the commercial product, which was fine by me, because I still got what I wanted in the end: another treatment option.

This is what the original Gilenya packaging looked like. It is the worst concept ever, particularly for patients who lack manual dexterity, or what my friends and I call “fumble fingers”. Also, it was only a 28 day supply, and ran about $5,000.

I almost jumped for joy when the packaging changed to a regular pill bottle and an actual 30 day supply!

Years later, we were “unblinded”, and as it turns out, I was on Gilenya the whole time. I learned a lot through the process, and I know it taught me more about being a “professional patient” than I ever thought possible. It’s true that my motives for enrolling in the clinical trial were self-serving, but ultimately I knew that I was also doing for the greater good. I was patient number 002516, and I’m damn proud of it. 

Celebration

This week Bruce and I are finally on a little getaway alone together, celebrating all the amazing things that we always celebrate in April: my birthday, his birthday, and our wedding anniversary. This year every celebration has had an extra note of euphoria with me having completed my treatment for breast cancer just three days before the start of all the usual festivities. This entry will be short and sweet because I’m enjoying every last bit of time we have together in this rare moment of complete and utter elation, feeling like we conquered the world (that sometimes feels like it’s working against us) yet again, and nothing can bring us down. Today the moral of the story is to enjoy every moment and live happily, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Trust me…. this is something I’ve learned first-hand! See you next week!

We love taking road trips. There is always a “beginning of the trip” selfie!

There is so much about this picture that I love.

Walking around Burlington, Vermont in the rain is still making fun memories.

No comment necessary!

One of our favorite things to do when we travel is find as many local breweries as possible.

Cloudy and gloomy to some is gloriously beautiful to others.

I can’t always keep up with Bru and his beer, especially when he orders one with breakfast. I’ll stick with coffee!

This is how we roll on a road trip!

April

Today I proudly present an entry written by my one and only, Bruce. Enjoy!


Spring is a time of renewal. Flowers and trees begin to bloom again, and animals come out of hibernation after a long, cold, and dark winter. And the month of April is the month where most of that transition occurs. That feeling of new beginnings in April has long had extra added meaning to Rennie and me, as both of our birthdays, and our wedding anniversary all fall within in a 10 day span of each other between the 10th and the 20th of the month. It’s the month of the year that has always felt as though it belongs to us, as we celebrate each other…both individually and as a couple…and begin yet another trip around the sun together. But this year, there is an added feeling of renewal and celebration, as on April 7th, after four long months, Rennie finally completed her treatment for stage 1 breast cancer that has so consumed our lives.

Here we are at the renewal of our vows on our 10th wedding anniversary. We discussed posting a picture from our actual wedding, but let’s just say that neither of us looked our best that day.

It’s been a tough time for Rennie, but as she will tell you without hesitation, everything one of us goes through, we both go through…so it’s been a tough time for me also. This has been, without a doubt, the roughest period of my life. While her MS diagnosis in 2003 was no walk in the park, that disease (except in the rarest of cases) does not kill you. Breast cancer is a foe on a whole other level. Left untreated, or treated incorrectly, I faced the possibility of losing my wife and best friend. And no matter how brave a face I put on, I’ve been scared to death since the day I first heard the words “abnormal mammogram” back in early December. But I could not let that fear consume me, because I had a job to do, and that was to be the best care partner I possibly could be for Rennie. She needed all the love, support and understanding I could muster. Thankfully, this is not a role I’m unaccustomed to, because I’ve been doing it for almost 14 years now.

One of my favorite photos of Team Rankin, taken on the campus of Rutgers University, where two 18 year olds first met many moons ago.

The job of being a care partner is not for the faint of heart, and brings with it challenges that no one is truly ever prepared for. It often means ignoring your wants and needs, and making sacrifices that no one should have to make. As I’ve said in earlier posts, this is not the life I had planned for either Rennie or myself, but it’s the life we’ve been handed. While I’d change things if I could, I know that I can’t, and I’m just grateful to be married to my best friend and the most amazingly strong person I’ve ever known. After all these years, and despite everything we’ve been through, our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. Have all our struggles brought us closer together? Maybe. But I’d like to think we’d be in exactly the same place no matter how things had gone for us over the years.

Celebrating the last of Ren’s radiation treatments, by ringing the ceremonial gong together.

It’s been a long road from the phone call in early December telling Ren that the results of her yearly mammogram were abnormal to where we are today. There have been biopsies, tests, surgery, countless doctor’s appointments, 30 radiation treatments, and some of the most frightening times of both of our lives…because there is nothing not scary about something like cancer (no matter how soon it’s caught). But here we are on the other side of the most difficult period of both our lives, exhausted, but ready for a fresh start. A fresh start that appropriately comes to us in the month of April, the month where both of us (and our marriage) were born.

 

Picture Perfect

I have always been into taking pictures and documenting memorable times in my life. In fact, my friends often referred to me as the archivist of the group. For four years of my life, I documented every single day with a photo accompanied by journaling about that particular photo. It started off as a project (known to photographers everywhere as Project 365) intended to improve my photography skills, but it turned into so much more than that. For 1,461 days (there was a leap year in there), I never missed a day. Even though I’ve taken a little bit of heat for grabbing my camera (or my iPhone) at every moment, everyone enjoys seeing the pictures once they are taken. So why am I writing about this now when my last p365 spanned the dates from 1/1/15-12/31/15? I wish I had a better answer, but the simple truth is that I just started assembling my photo book for that last project because for some reason, I kept putting it off. It is somewhat tedious to put it all together, but it truly is a labor of love, and now, looking at the photos I chose, I am reminded why I took on this project (whole-heartedly) for each of those years. 

In the process of reviewing, editing, and formatting so I can finally order the book. I can wait to get it in my hands!

In the process of reviewing, editing, and formatting so I can finally order the book. I can wait to get it in my hands!

As I’m working on my book, the first thing I think about is how my camera/iPhone may as well have been an extension of my arm during all of those years. Being without it was almost like being naked. I snapped photos all day long, and then at the end of the day, I would either choose one to journal about, or else I’d make a collage if I couldn’t pick just one. And even though putting the book together is laborious, seeing an entire year of my life laid out in front of me, in a tangible form with actual pages to turn, is amazing and truly rewarding. 

A little taste of year 1!

A little taste of year 1!

Now that I have been “on hiatus” since December 31, 2015, I can appreciate the many reasons why Project 365 is so good for my soul. (Side note: I am sure there will be many more p365s in my future, but taking a break in between is necessary sometimes!). So initially I started the first one on September 1, since in a teacher’s life, that’s really the “new year”. I continued for three straight years before taking a break before beginning my fourth. In that time, however, I “retired”, and even though my other “photog friends” were committed to beginning again on 1/1/15, I was anxious about it. The first three years were very school-centered, because my life was very school-centered. Starting the new project, I worried that I might not find things to take pictures of and journal about without that most vital part of me that I had left behind when I walked out the door of my school for the very last time.  For that reason alone, I committed because I needed to prove that even though my life had changed so much, I still have a life worth documenting. 

Year 2

Year 2

Re-living each memory that will take its place in the book has made me see how incredibly differently I live my life now that I am not working. First of all, I have truly learned to stop and smell the roses, sometimes literally. Where my prior photo books are overflowing with pictures having to do with my teacher life, this one is full of natural beauty, and beautiful friends and family. It’s amazing how a project like this can make me see how my priorities have changed so much for the better, even though I once thought I’d never be a complete person or have a fulfilling life without being “Mrs. Rankin”.

Year 3

Year 3

While the initial intent was always to improve my skills as a photography hobbyist, the concept of finding something beautiful or meaningful to photograph each day certainly embodies the sprit of optimism, which was, of course, very appealing to me. This latest project was the most challenging for me because of the many life changes that I was dealing with, but as I placed each picture into the book, they were like footsteps leading me on my journey to where I am now…completely at peace in retirement because I am surrounded by so much love from so many amazing former students who remain constants in my life, totally present with family and loved ones whenever I have the opportunity, and still the fervid optimist I always have been. And the best part is that my journey is far from over! It’s true that my journey has not taken me on the course that I had anticipated, and it certainly has not been perfect. In fact, most would say that my life is far from the textbook definition of perfect. But now that I’m living my life this way I realize that it’s perfectly me, and that feels pretty damn good. 

I can't wait for a new book to top this pile.

I can’t wait for a new book to top this pile.

August

It’s that time of year again. As August comes to a close, the back-to-school photos are slowly creeping in to my various news feeds. This has never been an easy time for me, whether I was full of anxiety preparing for a new school year, or even now that I am no longer working and full of nostalgia for what used to drive me. My emotions are all over the place, and even though I have come to terms with how things have worked out for me, times like this still tug at my heart strings. 

Former students have always remained a huge part of my life, when I was still working, and even to this day.

Former students have always remained a huge part of my life, when I was still working, and even to this day.

This is going to be the third opening of school since I began my disability retirement. It does seem to get easier every year, but I don’t think I will ever be un-phased by it. The first year, I went running to my daddy’s house in Florida to escape, and took myself completely off of Facebook for two weeks. I am pretty sure that I just did not want to see the world (in which I proudly resided for 15 years) go on without me. But it does. Everyone is replaceable at work. EVERYONE. And even though I thought my world would come to a halt, it most certainly has not. Quite the opposite, actually. 

I no longer spend the summer, especially August, in back-to-school mode: decorating my classroom, lesson planning, PowerPointing, re-vamping past activities, creating seating charts, photocopying, and shopping for school supplies. Yet the other day I still couldn’t turn away from a commercial advertising a 12-pack of Sharpies for $3.00! (It wouldn’t have been so bad if Bruce didn’t catch me in the act. Old habits…)

I never imagined that I could exist in a world where I wasn’t Mrs. Rankin, the teacher. My whole life revolved around my “kids” and my job. I remember feeling such intense loss and emptiness, and I felt as if my whole identity was a question mark without that one thing that had always defined me. But in these last three years, I have worked incredibly hard on figuring out who I am without what I had always considered the characteristic that most described me. 

Having been a teacher will always be the one thing I am most proud of in my life, because I was lucky enough to meet and get to know a new crop of amazing students every single year. People don’t become teachers for the salary, but the rewards are priceless. Nothing makes me happier than visiting with former students who are growing up to do unbelievable things as they find their own ways to being productive members of society. 

Three years later, I still find this time of year bittersweet. But I no longer feel like that world goes on without me, because this new world that I have been exploring is fulfilling my soul in completely different ways. For every teacher “friend” (a term used very loosely since only about three of them have proven to truly be friends) that pushed me aside as part of their past, I have been blessed with new friends who have made it clear that they are committed to be by my side in the future. 

I will always miss my students, but I will never miss the way I sacrificed so much of my life (and my energy) for my job. Life is about the loving relationships we build and maintain, and memories we make along the way. Those memories should include the people we love most, and although I loved (and still do) the thousands of students who entered my classroom through the years, I am grateful that my focus is now squarely on me. It might sound selfish, but I spent too many years focusing on others that I lost sight of the most important thing of all: taking care of number one! 

For as much as MS has taken away from me, I have been given many gifts that I never would have been given otherwise. I now appreciate and am grateful for every minute I get to spend with my loved ones, and I never take it for granted. I recognize how fortunate I am to be able to listen to my body, resting when necessary, and making it stronger by dedicating the time (that I couldn’t spare when I was working) for proper exercise. And of course, I will be forever indebted to my MS family, including the best trainer ever, for walking (or hobbling or rolling) into my life and changing it forever, in all the best ways possible. 

So even though I’ll always feel a little pang of sadness at the beginning of the school year, it does, indeed, get just a tiny bit easier as time goes by. There is a reason why things worked out this way for me, even if it isn’t blatantly clear to me at the moment. But I believe that the universe works in powerful and mysterious ways, and things unfold exactly as they should. The only thing I know for sure is that I am a happier, more balanced person now, even despite the obstacles and the circumstances that brought me here. In fact, three years ago, I would have never been able to say, with 100% sincerity, that life is pretty damn good. Today I can tell you that it’s friggin’ awesome…as long as you open your eyes and take a good look around. 

If you open your eyes (which I was always too busy to do), you will see the world a whole lot differently!

If you open your eyes (which I was always too busy to do), you will see the world a whole lot differently!

Half Full

I love my volunteer job for so many reasons. In addition to the administrative tasks that I work on while I’m there, I also get to interact with the patients as they go through the intake and the exit procedures of the office. Though many times I serve mainly as a friendly face on the other side of the desk, there are occasions when I feel I serve a much greater, more important purpose, and often I feel that the patients affect me way more than I affect them. These are the moments that remind me of how far I’ve come, and they are the moments I never forget. 

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One such occasion happened a few weeks ago, when I had the pleasure of meeting a patient I had never met before. This woman has been a long time patient, always coming in with a smile on her face and a positive attitude. She’s also a workaholic and a perfectionist who defines herself by her job. To be honest, she quite reminds me of the old me: the Mrs. Rankin me. 

As a teacher, I was never done, and my work came with me everywhere.

As a teacher, I was never done, and my work came with me everywhere.

Unfortunately, after 23 years of steadfast dedication to her job (as a paralegal), my new friend arrived at the place that no MS patient wants to be. She suddenly finds herself in the position of having to choose between her passion, her livelihood, the one thing she feels truly defines her, and managing her MS on a daily basis. Not everyone gets to this point, but many of us do. For us, just living with Multiple Sclerosis becomes our full time job. 

I sat in my usual seat as I listened to her cry about how she wasn’t ready to stop working, and how much she loves her career. I couldn’t help but go to her, because I was getting emotional myself. In an instant, as the tears began to flow, I was immediately brought back to the moment when I was faced with the very same decision. My heart was breaking for her, and also a little for myself. It’s always frustrating to think that perhaps others won’t understand, because we “look so good”. It’s also scary wondering how will we find our self-worth if we are not contributing to society somehow through our work. Plus, there’s a fear more powerful than anything, that’s always in the background because MS can wreak havoc on us at any moment, without warning. All of that adds up to tears. 

I tried to comfort her as best I could, knowing that it probably wouldn’t help much, but also that I could definitely give her the benefit of my experience. I told her that I was in her exact position three years ago, and that I have no regrets. I told her that everyone is replaceable even if you’re the best at your job. Once you’re gone, there’s always someone else. I told her that she spent the last 23 years working at her job, so now she can spend the next 23 working on herself. I told her that she would eventually stop crying, even though it didn’t feel like it right then. I told her that it wasn’t her fault that her body was letting her down. I told her how much better she would feel physically, without the incredible amount of stress any job places on our bodies, causing symptoms to flare. I told her how amazing life can be when you look beyond your job because only then can you be completely content and at peace. We are, after all, human beings, not just work machines, and how lucky she is to be forced to learn this while still at a young enough age to really enjoy living for a long time to come. 

It really blows my mind how my life has changed in just three years. It’s a short time, yet I’ve come such a long way. I remember how defeated I felt…how utterly devastated. I felt worthless. Like a failure. Like my life was now meaningless. But you know what? I just had to find the true meaning and value without using my profession as a crutch. 

This was my home for many years, and now my world is so much larger than this one classroom.

This was my home for many years, and now my world is so much larger than this one classroom.

Three years later I can be proud of who I have become. I volunteer my time, and I love that I am able to give back in this small way to the medical team that has always taken such good care of me.  I work on my body in ways that make me stronger, even if my nerves are misfiring. I happily enjoy whatever time I get to spend with my loved ones because I am fully focused on them, without the work distraction. I have an entire MS family who loves and supports me 100% of the time. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am now, more than ever, a glass-half-full-kinda-girl. 

MS family love.

MS family love.