Last week I posted on my Instagram account as well as in my closed MS and Exercise group (pretty much the only reason I stay on Facebook) a “Transformation Tuesday” picture. This is a rare occurrence for me because I seldom post pictures of me alone unless I’m in some sort of yoga pose. However, it is around this time every year when I try to take inventory of things in my life. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s that I resigned as a teacher right around this time of the year, or perhaps I just get more self inquisitive because the weather can keep me isolated.
The picture I posted compares where I am right now to this time around four years ago. Let me start by saying that four years ago I was practically jumping and doing cartwheels because I had slowly been working to overcome a particularly tough MS relapse.
I will also say that I have long since suffered from body dysmorphia so I never see myself any differently in the mirror and the only way I see a difference is by making a side by side comparison like the one I posted. I’m pretty sure that lots of women suffer the same issues as I do, as we are all constantly exposed to what society deems “normal” or “healthy”, and very often what we see or hear is false. Air-brushing makes our idols seem perfect and we all strive to be like our idols.
I’ve also had a pretty contentious relationship with the scale my whole life. I remember getting weighed in the locker room during gymnastics practice one day when I was 14 years old, and my coach told me to lose 30 pounds. I’ll never forget her words: “So if you are going to eat a sandwich, just eat half. If you’re going to eat an apple, just eat half.” This on top of hearing snippets of conversations of my mother talking on the phone to someone or other about my weight. At age 14, I was a normal sized kid, very muscular from participating in many sports, and with a thick frame. But all of these issues have remained with me to the point that when I see any of my doctors (and there are lots thanks to breast cancer and MS), they all know my deal. I understand that they want to monitor my weight so that they can compare to see if there are drastic, unexplained changes happening. But I will always step on backwards, and they will never tell me the number, and we will never discuss whatever the number on the scale reads. It’s not important. My blood pressure is normal to low, my resting pulse rate reflects that of an athlete for sure, and I know how I’m doing because my clothes tell me.
The reason for my “Transformation Tuesday” post was to show others who struggle like I do/did to get to where I am that there are no fads or gimmicks out there. This is something that is four years in the making, and I’m still not done. When I first looked at the difference between me today and me four years ago, I almost didn’t even see a change because that’s how programmed I am. I wanted people to know that I did this despite having MS and breast cancer, and that results don’t happen overnight. The only way lasting changes dig in and latch on is by going slow and steady. We are all on a journey and although we might not be clear about where we are heading, we must keep reminding ourselves that slow and steady wins the race every single time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and anyone who has run a marathon will talk about the endless training that happens in order to prepare for race day.
Ultimately I have been working to be the strongest me I can be so that Bruce and I can have the best life possible together for as many years as we are given. I know that I need to stay strong so I can always get down on the floor and play cars or LEGO with my sweet nephew. I need to stay strong so that I never become a burden to anyone, especially to Bruce, who has always been my rock.
Every single day, I’m trying to be a stronger, better version of myself and if that includes weight loss as a happy by-product, great! And if not, I would be perfectly happy being fat(ter) and strong because that is my driving motivation. Strong. The people who I love most said things like “Holy cow! But I never saw you any differently then.” Those people are the truest friends I have.
So my message is to never judge a book by its cover. I mean, I know it sounds cliche, but when you see someone you haven’t seen in a while, and perhaps they’ve gained a few pounds, just love them. You don’t know what obstacles have crossed their path and they could be dealing with emotional baggage, medical concerns, or a host of other things that we do not understand.
Four years ago, most people would have looked at me and called me fat, and hell, people probably still do. But I know that changes don’t happen overnight, and so no matter where you are, just keep trucking. Goals are meant to be accomplished by putting in the hard work. I never, ever lose sight of my goals, and I keep pushing myself (even gently at times) because there is joy and satisfaction in accomplishing what you set out to do. So I’ll see you at the finish line! Look for me there, cheering you on.