Tag Archives: lifelong learner

Teaching

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Back in September I took on a challenge (that is still continuing) by enrolling in Yoga Teacher Training (YTT). I was full of fear, insecurities, and doubt. After all, I do not come without a slew of challenges. Between MS, limited range of motion of my left arm from breast cancer that required surgery, and a fused spine, I am what I like to call a hot mess. The schedule was set before we even started and I worried that on the days when I needed to be at Teacher Training, something could happen MS-wise, making me unable to even complete the training as required. Plus add in my usual dose of self deprecation feeling inferior and incapable, and I had no idea if I would be successful, and the former perfectionist in me reared it’s ugly head my way.

Yoga family hug on the day of graduation

Nevertheless, I had already fallen in love with yoga and I just wanted to learn more: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The road has not been an easy one for me, to say the least. But I have worked hard, both on and off my mat, with the unconditional support of my entire yoga family. Hell, I even showed up to a teacher training for a whole weekend while suffering from a fever, which for a heat intolerant MS patient, may as well be death. I was shaking everywhere, totally off-balance, with every symptom magnified yet I showed up on my mat. I sat as far away from the others as I could so as not to spread my germs, and I pushed through. It took me several days to recover, but I showed that I had the dedication to do it.

This was just part of what came with me when I was so sick but dragged myself to YTT.

Also, yoga teacher training and the schedule is not negotiable. Not only have a missed precious time with my other half, but I also missed family functions because they fell on a YTT weekend. This caused some strife with certain members of my family, while others have been supporting me on this journey, and are proud of my work ethic and dedication to this undertaking because they know how intense it is and how deep the work is.

In April, I graduated with my 200 hour certification, even as I continue to work towards 300 hours. It was a proud day for me, because I have had to work twice as hard as the others because in addition to the physical limitations I deal with, I also have cognitive deficiencies from MS that affect my focus and memory, as well as retention of information. Just as we were getting ready to graduate, my teacher reached out to all of us, seeking subs for her classes so that she could take a well-deserved vacation. The other girls in my YTT class had already been subbing, but I was holding back because I was not yet certified and although I had been teaching certain segments of classes with my teacher in the room, I wanted more time before taking on a whole class of my own, from beginning to end. I told my teacher that I wanted to think about it overnight before committing, even though I knew it was time for me to take the leap.

Proudly admiring this certificate for all the work that it took to earn!

Hard earned. ‘Nuff said.

So I sat down with my notebook, and wrote out a class that I felt really good about. I practiced it, I spoke it out loud, I timed it, I added to it, I did it with my trainer, and I worried about my need for a notebook since I was afraid that the good ‘ole MS brain fog would sneak in anytime it wanted. Bruce worried that the inner perfectionist that I have worked hard to dissolve over the past five years was coming back and that I was reverting back to old habits. I assured him it was just this first class that I had to get under my belt and then I’d be fine. He had every right to worry but ever my rock he gave me the space I needed and believed that I was being honest with him.

Spread out everywhere just to write up on class!

On the night before the class I was teaching, I got those very familiar “Sunday night teacher feels”…. the anxiety, the nervous stomach, and the inability to sleep. In fact, I woke up at 4:00 am, saying parts of the sequence I had planned over and over again in my head. But walking into that studio on the morning of my class felt just like coming home. I watched as some MS sisters came to show their support. I watched as my trainer came and planted herself right in the front row. I watched as one of my Gypsy Soul Sisters, who just happened to be on spring break, set up shop in the front row. I watched as a beloved former student who is really more of a runner but wanted to support me came in to the studio. I watched as the regulars who I have been taking this class with since I started at the studio came and were full of excitement that I was teaching. I felt loved and supported, and totally ready to teach.

This girl, a friend I know on Facebook from an MS and Exercise group, traveled 70 miles to take my class.

As soon as I started, I fell into my old, but not forgotten role as a teacher. I’m not going to lie… it felt fantastic. I have always been the teacher that learns as much (or more) from my students as they learn from me, and this was no exception. Yes, I used my notebook, but not in an intrusive way, but more as a security blanket knowing that I had what I needed right there. Because of MS I might always have a notebook, but I’m hopeful that some day I can create a class on the fly that everyone will love. But if I can’t, I’m ok with that.

My notes for ONE class… many pages long.

When I resigned my position as a classroom teacher five years ago, my principal told me she did not envision that my teaching career was over, but simply that my classroom would just look different. I know I can’t do this full time, or even all that regularly. When you combat crippling fatigue that isn’t even helped with the strongest of amphetamines, sometimes you can only do one thing a day… if that. I’d be withholding information if I didn’t share that after this class and a cup of coffee with my MS sisters, I crashed. Hard. I’m used to that. It’s life with MS.

And these are two of my MS sisters who are local and incredibly supportive. After this was taken, I went straight home to rest.

But this time I slept soundly, knowing that I would never again have those Sunday night teacher feels because a yoga community is way different than a bunch of high schoolers. Even with 200 hours under my belt, I feel like I have so much more to learn and I’m really excited to share it with those who attend my classes in the future. I can’t promise that I won’t be using my notebook. But I can promise a great playlist of songs you might not normally hear in a yoga class, a flow that may take you by surprise a little, and a heart that is 100% full of gratitude and appreciation for the students, the practice, and my place in this world. Namaste. 🙏🏻

Texts from my classmates were so sweet afterwards!

Back to School

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A few weeks ago, I wrote an intentionally cryptic blog entry because I wasn’t fully prepared to share what my next venture will be, and there were still a lot of details to be ironed out. This week, I am coming clean, and sharing what my intention is and the reasoning behind my decision. I’d like to state that pledging to do anything that requires long term commitment when you have MS is ambitious because MS has a mind of its own and can rear its ugly head at any moment, causing complete and utter chaos with a single relapse. But I’m not letting that stop me because I know that this undertaking is going to improve my life in so many ways, both tangible and intangible.

Some may have guessed already when I wasn’t ready to share, but starting in just a few weeks (September 8th to be exact) through June of 2019, I will be dedicating my life and myself to 300 hours of yoga teacher training (YTT). I haven’t been more excited about anything in such a long time, even though I realize how intense it is going to be. There will be full weekends where I’m at the studio, partial weekends, readings that are required, studying Sanskrit names and chants, field trips, guest teachers, and the list goes on.

The readings necessary for my course, plus my mini binder to organize my notes. Just go ahead and stamp “dork” on my forehead now!

When I first began thinking about doing the yoga teacher training, the only thing I could think to myself was that yoga teachers don’t look like me.  I’m not long and lean, and although I have changed my body in huge ways in the last 4 years, no one would look at me and know how hard I work to be me… still a little overweight and always morbidly obese on BMI charts because of the amount of muscle mass I carry (just one of the many reasons I do not go on a scale and when my oncology team forces me, I go on backwards and we never speak about “the number”). So one day I approached my teacher after class, and asked if she ever had someone who looked like me in her yoga teacher training classes. She did not understand the question at first because she knows my medical issues and she (a true yogi) sees me as a student who is dedicated to practice and tries her hardest on the mat every single day. And she began to list all the reasons I SHOULD take on the challenge, the most memorable to me being that I can show people that ANYONE can do yoga and with the obstacles that I deal with I can inspire many others to just get on a mat.

Just get on a mat! It’s a practice!

So I took this information to heart. But my real motivation is to gain a greater understanding and appreciation for my mind, my body, and the space I occupy on this planet. Yoga is meditative for me, and when I’m on my mat, nothing else matters. I love that yoga has been a practice for thousands of years, passed down from teacher to student, and I love that every single pose serves a purpose for the body. I love that they call it a practice, because teachers are still learning and growing, and that’s how we should all be, off the mat too. And although I’m not a big “ohm” or chanting person, the magic of hearing it to book-end a practice can not be understated. Add a harmonium and this girl, who is not a big chanter, can’t help but join in.

This beautiful gypsy soul (and her harmonium) will be my teacher.

My true intention for committing to YTT is to better myself… physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know that it will help me further my practice on the mat, but the other pieces are as vitally important to my growth as a human being as the physical part. It’s sometimes hard for me to believe how much I hated yoga when I first tried it because I had a crappy instructor who insisted I sit in a chair during class simply because I have MS. Clearly I do not need that accommodation and she rubbed me the wrong way, which usually never happens with yoga teachers because they tend to all be such incredibly beautiful souls. They emit a positivity and a spirituality that is endlessly comforting for me. Once I found the right instructor I became intrigued with all things yoga and soothed by a simple practice. And although I have come a very long way, I will always have challenges because of MS, breast cancer and the resulting surgery that inhibits full range of motion on my left arm, and a fused spine which does not allow for certain twisting poses. But I work through it, and I’m excited to see how far I can go despite it all.

Just one of my issues, but it’s not going to stop me.

I never intend to make money from this journey. I just want to be in this soothing world, and contribute to it by way of community classes or fundraisers. Whether I am a teacher or not, I will always take classes and continue my at home practice because both are such big parts of my life. As with any commitment like this, I am anxious but excited. I have my moments of self-doubt, but I also have my daily affirmations to help offset those negative feelings. The point is, how will I ever know what I am capable of if I don’t at least put myself out there and try? Failure is not in my vocabulary, so even if I have to work 20 gazillion times harder than your average yogi, then I will. It’s how I have lived my whole life. I don’t let others dictate what I can or can not do. Luckily, I have the best husband ever, who is endlessly supportive and totally gets me and my choices, and he believes that I can absolutely do whatever it is I set my mind to. I’m lucky that he is there to remind me of my strength when I am feeling weak and vulnerable.

I always feel better on my mat.

So here I go, starting out on a new adventure, and I’m sure I will be sharing plenty of it with you, my readers, if you choose to follow along with me. I know this will fill the emptiness that I have been feeling, and ever since I committed I can already recognize how my attitude has changed. What I know for sure is that whenever I have felt low and stagnant, stepping out of my comfort zone has always brought me back to a good place.

I’m just here trying to be the best version of myself possible. I will never be perfect, and I have luckily been able to leave most of my perfectionist qualities in the past, at least where it concerns not being so hard on myself. As I started to do some of my reading for YTT, I sat down with “The Motivation Manifesto” by Brendon Burchard, and although I am not that deep into the book I can tell that it will be one of those life-changing books for me. The following quote sums up everything:

“It is not merely freedom from bad things that limit us, but freedom to experience good things that awaken us.”

I couldn’t agree more. And if you’re trying to find me, especially during the next year, most likely I’ll be on my mat. Namaste 🙏🏻.

Yoga

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I know that I have written about yoga before, but my practice has evolved so much in the two short years that it has been a constant in my life. In that time, I have gone from “tolerating” it to loving every single thing about it. The beauty of yoga is that they call it a practice for a reason, and on good days, I astound myself, while on others I try to figure out why the heck I can’t do what I just did the day before. Then I remember that I have Multiple Sclerosis and there is literally a disconnect between my body and my brain. But I never regret my practice because it is so much more than physical for me.

Downward facing dog.

When I get on my mat, I am truly in my space. It’s my time for me to be genuinely present with myself without feeling any pressures from the outside world. I love removing myself from the real world while I connect with my body and feel what I can do when I give my body permission to open up. The mind body connection is so powerful and it puts me in a very meditative state. Now I didn’t always love yoga, but once I found the right instructor, as well as the right mindset, everything changed for me.

Upward facing dog.

In December, a local yoga club ran a “12 Days of Yoga” challenge on Instagram. I was skeptical because in the scope of the world of yoga, I’m an average yogi at best. I work harder than most because MS makes me do that, but I’m ok with that. I don’t compare myself to anyone except me so I am happy with my progress. A friend of mine, who is a teacher that I used to work with, and has since become a yoga instructor (shout out Jess!) tagged me and told me that I should definitely participate in the challenge. I got all frustrated with the logistics: post a flyer indicating your participation, tagging the sponsors, etc., and I found it overwhelming. Then my beautiful friend, in true teacher fashion, messaged me and broke down exactly what to do… for those out there who know teaching terminology, this was true differentiated instruction for this girl (me), who really needed it.

Chaturanga. And Scarlet!

The challenge included a pre-set list of poses, and each day I was to post a picture of myself, with any variations or modifications necessary, and tag all the sponsors of the contest. I do yoga every day anyway, and thought it would be a great way to keep me on my mat and also give me the opportunity to win prizes. Truth be told, I never win anything, so that wasn’t really a motivation for me. I just wanted to prove that an MS patient need not be limited to chair yoga.

Crane (or crow) is a very difficult pose that I have been working on for a while. My modification here is one foot on the wall to help the balance.

I must have made my point because (amazingly) I won a beautiful new yoga mat… more specifically, an amazing Lululemon yoga mat. I was beyond grateful, and also incredibly surprised. The mat is so nice, and like I said, I generally never win anything, especially something so perfect for me and my lifestyle. As if that was not enough, I found out a few days later, that the yoga studio that sponsored the challenge has a foundation, and that they are giving me a year membership to the studio, paid for by the foundation. I was almost moved to tears. Yoga studios are expensive, and rightly so because of the personal attention that is given. It’s something I couldn’t afford without making major sacrifices financially. I have been known to do drop in yoga classes at random studios for $15 or $20 a session, but an actual membership is not something I ever imagined I could have. I couldn’t be more appreciative.

On the day that I picked up my brand new Lululemon mat.

I didn’t love yoga from day one, but once I found the right instructor, I got hooked, but I never thought it would change me so much. I am more in tuned with my body, and I’m aware of what it needs when I get on the mat. I am able to transcend anything that is happening in my life when I am focusing on my practice. I have learned to keep the positive energy flowing through my body, and to look at others with more compassion as a result. Most importantly, I have learned to challenge myself, without fear of failure. Yoga is a practice, and challenging myself in my practice only helps, even if I can’t do everything perfectly all the time. Like MS, every day is different on my mat, and that’s ok. If I never challenged myself, I might never have grown to love all the different aspects of yoga the way I do.

This one was a modification because I was supposed to do a handstand, but my recently dislocated finger was not ready to bear my weight that way yet.

This is all a metaphor for life itself, really. We never know what we are capable of (or consequently the rewards that await us) if we don’t challenge ourselves to do the thing(s) that feel(s) intimidating. There have been many challenges in my life, and the only ones I regret are the ones I didn’t accept. This yoga challenge was something I knew I could do, even if I had to modify a pose or two in order to participate, and I’m so glad I did. More than anything else I know that taking on a challenge is nothing to shy away from. In the worse case scenario, you learn a lesson to help you succeed at the next try, and that’s as valuable as anything. The next time you are faced with something you want to try but you are afraid, I dare you to try. You just might surprise yourself! Namaste.

For the plank day, I added some variations to challenge myself. See that? I challenged myself within the challenge. It’s how I roll.

Happy New Year!

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The end of 2017 had me taking inventory of everything that I went through along the way. New Year’s Eve always has me in a hopeful place, looking forward to a fresh start in a brand new year. But this year, I found myself especially excited because looking back on 2017 made me exhausted just thinking about the many, many obstacles I faced from day one. I realize that I gathered strength from every single challenge that the universe sent my way, and I faced each one the way I have learned to do having lived with MS for almost 15 years now.

When I break down each situation individually, maybe it doesn’t seem like I went through all that much… and let’s face it: people have been through way worse. But looking at the big picture made me realize how much I overcame, even if I did start complaining towards the end of the year. I complained, but I laughed my way through because it’s what I know, and if I didn’t laugh I probably would have cried. So I’m sharing a recap of 2017, knowing 2018 can only be better, and because it’s a reminder to be grateful for every single day you are given on this planet. And I believe even on the worst of days, beauty and happiness can be found, as long as you open up your eyes (and your heart) to seeing it.

2017 started out with a huge question mark for me, even more so than just living my life with MS. I knew I had breast cancer, but that’s all I knew. I had no idea what kind of treatment plan was in store for me, not to mention the number of doctor appointments, tests, and ultimately, waiting (the most torturous part) I would eventually have to endure. When you start off a new year in this way, it’s incredibly difficult to feel optimistic about what lies ahead or even to feel the usual excitement inside as you face a brand new year. I was stuck in limbo, questions and darkness circling around me constantly. I had no idea how to move forward when I had this gigantic somber truth to deal with. So I did what I always do, partially using advice given to me back when I ran that 5K: I simply put one foot in front of the other, and smiled my way through it. With Bruce’s hand in mine, we got to the other side stronger than ever.

Gnarly finger x-ray. Who knew how much you use one silly finger on your non-dominant hand??

I’m proud of how we handled my cancer situation because so frequently these things can drive a couple apart, but not us. One year later, I can confidently say that although I never thought it possible, our love and the strength of our relationship has grown exponentially since then. Unfortunately, cancer was not the only health concern we faced in 2017…. I also broke some toes, dislocated a finger, injured a hip with a slip on the ice, and closed the year with a lovely MS relapse along with a change in my Disease Modifying Treatment (DMT) that I had been on for over eight years. There were also some personal issues with some relationships in my life that hurt me almost as badly as all the physical trauma I suffered. At times I felt like staying in bed with the covers over my head for fear of anything else happening, and Bruce even jokingly wrapped me in bubble wrap at one point.

For real: wrapped in bubble wrap!

But everything I went through made me stronger, and reinforced for all who know me that this girl does NOT give up. It’s simply not an option. I have a natural instinct to persevere and a work ethic (thanks, Dad!) that is second to none. I’m not sure why the universe gave me all of these obstacles to overcome in 2017, but whatever the reason, it was my haul to carry. Luckily I have the best guy in the world at my side who never gives up on me, and my motivation still remains staying strong for him and for us. And I know for sure that I am starting 2018 stronger than ever (both physically and emotionally), and I can handle anything… ANYTHING the universe decides to throw my way because that was the overarching lesson I learned in 2017.

One of our NYE projects: a hand casting of Bruce’s hand in mine, because that’s how we survived 2017.

Today I am looking forward with hope and excitement, instead of fear and dread like last year at this time. Life is not always what we plan it to be, but as long as we acknowledge our gifts, like the qualities I inherited from my dad, my guy, who supports me no matter what, and the handful of dear friends and family who I can always count on, it can still be pretty sweet. I, for one, am psyched to see what 2018 has in store for me, since I know whatever it is, I am ready for it because of everything I have already been through. Considering the year I am coming off of, I’d like to think that I am due for a fantastic year, but I also understand that I am partially responsible for making that dream a reality. That being said, I can guarantee that I will be doing everything in my power to uphold my end of the bargain, and I know the universe will be on my side. So today I say goodbye to 2017 and welcome 2018… bring it on!

We are ready for you, 2018!

 

As Is

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Some things are so hard to explain to others when you have a chronic condition. It seems like no matter how many ways I try to describe what it’s like, it just doesn’t matter, and because others don’t understand it’s all the more frustrating for me, and thus I feel pressure when I shouldn’t.

I couldn’t ask for a better big sister and bro-in-law.

I have simplified my life because I have had to, not because I wanted to. Things I used to do with no problem have become exponentially harder as the years pass and my condition throws more challenges my way. Gone are the days when I could plan to do anything I wanted: travel to Florida to visit family, zip in and out of the city on the train, spend hours shopping, or even just have firm plans for both days on any given weekend. But alas, those are all parts of my past because I am no longer as capable.

My beautiful MS sisters showing their support by wearing my warrior shirt.

People look at me and think I look fine.  But they don’t know how hard everything is for me. When we have firm plans (such as this week when we are attending a concert), I know that I need take time to prepare, both mentally and physically. I will limit my activities so that I am well-rested and in the right mindset to completely enjoy what is planned to the best of my ability. It’s not that I don’t want to be social and do things, but everything is so hard. Even things like taking a shower and getting myself to look presentable are difficult for me for so many reasons, not least of which is what I call “painsomnia”, a condition that affects me every single night. I challenge even the healthiest of individuals to live a “normal” life with serious sleep deprivation.

This girl gets me on a level that most of my friends can even begin to understand. Notice she is wearing my warrior shirt? Love her.

Often times when we have plans, I say that I am a “game day decision” because I never know how I’m going to feel. And if I should happen to miss an event, I am accused of being purposely “absent” because I do attend other events. Unfortunately, MS does not care what things happen on which days, and frankly, MS simply does not play nice! I don’t use it to “get out” of things, but I do realize how it limits me. I know which scenarios are doable for me, and which are not.

This guy showed up when others ran away.He is my brother from another mother and I am so grateful for his friendship.

This has not been an easy lesson to learn and I have often struggled with it through the years. I walk a fine line between happily doing the things I can and want to do, and being sad and frustrated because I know that I can’t do certain things that I used to love. Being who I am, I have learned to look at everything in my life through the glass half full lens.

Sisters from other misters.

Simply put, that means that I am grateful to have had so many wonderful experiences even if I can’t still enjoy them. Instead of dwelling on what I can no longer do, I focus on what I can do. I no longer care what anyone else thinks or says about me because I have so many awesome people who accept me exactly as I am now, not least of whom is my partner in crime, Bruce, who has never wavered. Skinny or fat, makeup or none, blonde or pink, mobile or immobile, it just doesn’t matter.

The. Best. Ever.

Now I only surround myself with people like Bruce who never make me feel anything but whole… a human being not defined by my diagnoses but rather by my character. Never do I have to explain “why” because the people that matter already know the answer, and they love me anyway. I am beyond justifying it or defending myself, and with my peeps I never have to. Even though my inner circle may have gotten smaller through the trials and tribulations of life, it offers me more strength, support, and love than I ever thought possible.

Never any shortage of laughter (or love) with my guy…

Thank you to my inner circle for keeping me whole, grounded, and genuinely happy. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but it doesn’t really matter I guess. I’ll just continue to thank the universe every damn day, not for giving me MS, but for giving me all the gifts (in the form of lessons learned and an extra special MS family) that I have been given as a result.

Transformation

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It’s that time of year again… the summer is drawing to a close, with everyone taking their last trips down the shore, enjoying the joys that summer always brings, while preparing excitedly for a brand new school year.

At this time every year, I like to reflect upon how insanely different my life (and my attitude) is since MS made the decision for me to retire on disability in May, 2014, after already being on sick leave for all but the first four weeks of the school year.

Back then, I couldn’t imagine my life without the career that had defined me in so many ways, and that I was so passionate about. I considered myself beyond lucky to have a job that I loved, because so many people are not as fortunate. People often told me that I was one of the few people they knew who actually liked her job. And I did. Every damn second of it.

Now that I am a few years removed from the feeling of such a devastating loss for me, I have clarity that I didn’t have before, and gratitude for everything, including the painful, emotional, difficult situation that started me on this part of my journey. I never dreamed that I could ever be in this beautiful place that I currently find myself in, happier than ever, which I could not have imagined when I was still working.

The other day, a Staples commercial came on TV advertising their usual 10 cent sale, and I was brought back to the days when I used to have lists of which retail establishment had things on sale that I needed for my classroom so that I could stock up for the year. I used to get so excited about these things, and now it hardly even phases me. I love that because it shows how much I have grown during the last couple of years.

I’m not saying that I got here without my share of growing pains, but I am saying that I understand it’s all a part of the process. Once I opened myself up to the possibilities of creating a new life, it changed my perception of everything I knew.

What I know now is that regardless of how much I loved my students (and still do!), my own family always needs to come first. I often lost sight of that as a teacher, but I don’t regret it because now I have all of these amazing young adults who make up such a big part of my life, and I love that. I love watching them venture out on their own, doing the adult thing, and spreading their wings to soar.

I also know that taking care of myself is vitally important. When I was working, I overlooked my own wellness in favor of my job and my students. Again, I don’t regret it because of the amount of love and gratitude they gave back to me (and still do), but I know that I am of no good use to anyone if I am not staying on top of my own health and wellness. This includes all the things I have incorporated into my post-teacher life: meditation, yoga, hardcore exercise, acupuncture, reiki, and healthy eating, all of which force me to put myself above all others so that I can stay strong for the long haul.

I remember the days when the weekends meant nothing more than time to grade, write lesson plans, and create dynamic presentations for my classes, leaving no time to actually enjoy spending time being fully present with my loved ones. Once again, I have no regrets about how I lived my career because it’s what the kids deserved and I don’t know how to do it any other way.

But now… now life is better than I ever thought possible. My circle of friends has changed, but in a good way because I am surrounded by other people who take nothing for granted and never waste an opportunity to laugh and smile because we are grateful for the life we are living, regardless of whether we chose it or not. I am more in love with my husband than ever because we have been given this incredible gift of time together. Hell, we even booked a vacation in September, something we have never, EVER done before. Some small part of me still feels like a rebel for doing it, but no matter how much time passes, I guess old habits do, indeed, die hard. But lucky for me, I have worked very hard to help these old habits go by the wayside.

The transformation from Mrs. Rankin to Rennie has not been an easy one, but it is ongoing and I’m getting better at it all the time. I have been transforming my entire world: physically, mentally, and spiritually for the last few years, and my progress has been slow but steady, and that’s ok. I know that as human beings, one of our biggest challenges is having the ability to change according to our life circumstances, good or bad. I’m not going to lie and say that the process has been an easy one, or that I don’t have my moments of weakness, but it does get easier with time and with the determination to live my very best life possible. Rather than crying about the fact that I am not going back to work this week, I am happily wishing my former colleagues the very best of luck as they begin the new school year. Life is, after all, what we make of it, and I am making mine everything I want it to be. So who wants to join me in a glass half full of lemonade?

The sunrise over the Raritan River by Rutgers University, a very symbolic photo at a place that will always hold an extra special place in my heart.

Bad Ass

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This is definitely not a term I would use to describe myself. I mean I was the chubby kid who was bullied through elementary school and spent more time crying than laughing. My dad’s job moved us from rural New Hampshire to Bergen County, NJ (a very metropolitan area just outside of New York City) at this very crucial time of my childhood. I’m a lover, not a fighter, so I viewed the bullying as something I deserved, and cried over it in the privacy of my own bedroom. That chubby little kid never would have thought that people would look at her as a bad ass for simply living her life the only way she knows how.

Yet in the past few weeks, I have been called a bad ass on numerous occasions, which definitely makes me laugh. I mean I certainly don’t feel like a bad ass. I spend most of my time smiling, laughing, hugging, and laughing. Did I mention I spend a fair share of my time smiling and laughing? I’ve never even been in a fight where I actually threw a punch, though I certainly was pushed around plenty during those early days living in Northern NJ.

Me on the first day of school, slimmed down after a summer at camp.

I’m the rule girl. When I was working, I consistently enforced the rules in my classroom, and I’m afraid that the same attitude bled into my personal life as well. I am still bound to rules more than I’d like, but not working has made it easier for me to let certain rules slide. Still, in my eyes, that makes me boring, not bad ass. Not that I find this term negative… in fact I find it quite a compliment and also very empowering although I am not sure what qualifies me as bad ass.

I mean, I have dealt with Multiple Sclerosis quite openly for over 14 years now. I used my voice as a teacher to educate my students and colleagues, raising awareness (and money) for the cause, with my only motive being a sincere hope that the next generation can live in a world free of MS. I let them see the good, the bad, and the ugly, but I always approached it as my calling to show that overcoming adversity and rising to challenges in our paths simply make us stronger, more sympathetic, and more grateful individuals. Is that bad ass?

Here I am with my “core” MS Walkers (2010), who represented the over 450 members of our team.

I have accepted the brutal cycle that MS is… one step forward and two steps back. I have worked hard to keep my body moving, even through the times of limited mobility and function, because I am determined to stay strong. I have changed my life, my body, and how I look at exercise, fitness, and nutrition, because it takes on new meaning when it’s not about how you look, but rather it’s about how it makes you feel: strong and in control of the only things that you CAN control. Is that bad ass?

A few years ago, I endured a five hour spinal fusion and laminectomy surgery, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. This was not part what I had imagined my life would be, but I accepted it and embraced it as part of my journey because there was no choice. I worked hard to rehabilitate afterwards and get back to the place where I am most comfortable with my body. I kept moving rather than using it as an excuse to stay still because I needed to take control. Is that bad ass?

My spine and the hardware that holds it together, in all its glory!

The next obstacle in my path was a curve ball, to say the least: breast cancer. I approached it the same way I approach everything in my life. I did what I had to do, never questioning why it was happening to me. I did it with a smile on my face because of the love and support I felt in my heart. In the grand scheme of things, I knew it could have been worse, and it was a huge learning experience for me. I learned about myself and what I am capable of, as well as about the people I surround myself with. Some people live an entire lifetime without having the opportunity to see their own strength and capabilities, which is a true shame since most times we don’t know these things until we are tested to prove them. As difficult as it was, and will be for the next several years, I am grateful to have learned so much. Is that bad ass?

Post-op picture after my lumpectomy and lymph node biopsy: looking blue (literally) from the radioactive dye used to highlight the lymph nodes that were removed.

Finally, and most recently, a little tumble down a flight of stairs left me with some broken toes. Compared to all I have been through, this (although totally painful and extremely limiting to my mobility) is nothing. I laughed my way through the visit to the Urgent Care, the x-rays, the doctor’s attempt at humor (I’m not so young that I’m just growing bone overnight anymore and I must not have given enough in the collection basket that week, as this little accident happened on a Sunday), and even laughed at the silly, ugly boot which will be an extension of my body for another 4-6 weeks. It’s a small setback in the bigger picture of my life, and I just have to laugh at myself because I can do so many difficult things without consequence, but apparently walking down stairs is not one of them. Is that bad ass?

These are my toes after having been re-set by the orthopedist.

My conclusion is that “bad ass”, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. I never thought of myself as bad ass, I’m just living my best possible life. It’s funny that I would never label myself as a bad ass, but other people do. I’m fairly certain that the chubby girl who was so often bullied never would have thought that being pushed around by some assholes would seem so small in comparison to the real obstacles that I have had to face as an adult. And even though I don’t exactly see myself as a bad ass, I can guarantee that she sure would.

Yup. My shirt says “FC” and my socks say “bad ass”. If you don’t quite get the “FC” part, let’s just say that the “C” stands for cancer.

Tough Break

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If I thought I was a hot mess before, with a fused spine, Multiple Sclerosis, breast cancer, and recent issues with my back, I had no idea it could/would get any worse. Especially since I’m a big believer in universal karma that gives us back what we put out there. I like to think I put my positivity out to the universe, and I do feel that I have always been taken care of as a result.

This week as I nurtured my back, icing it, stretching it, seeing my chiropractor and my acupuncturist, plus using my portable TENS machine at home, I started to finally feel like I was turning a corner. Then due to a 4 am wake-up call from my beloved Marty  and a subsequent fall down the stairs (which is not really unusual for me except I usually fall UP them) I ended up with two broken toes right at the joint where they meet the foot. I’m used to falling but usually I manage to do it without actually breaking any bones. I have had my share of scrapes, bumps, and bruises (mostly to my ego), but this is a new one for me. When I woke up a few hours later and discovered two of my toes pointing the wrong direction and bruising starting, I knew it couldn’t be good. But, it also could have been much worse.

6-8 weeks of this lovely shoe. Plus no yoga and only upper body workouts. This is a massive bummer for me. Particularly the no yoga part.

It’s true that for the next six-eight weeks, I will be very limited as far as physical activity goes: no yoga, only upper body exercises, and a lovely shoe that I must wear for the foreseeable future. Life with MS does this. I’m always working my butt off to take one step forward and then something silly (and often avoidable) happens, setting me back two steps. It’s an endless cycle.

The truth is that I am not invincible, contrary to how strong I feel at times. My MS family and I talk about this kind of thing a lot. We can do lots of difficult things because we are focused when we attempt them. But it’s the little things we do that we take for granted (like walking up or down stairs), and assume we can do them as easily as always, but that’s just not the case. Everything is harder when you have MS and even more so when you can’t feel your feet. Patience is easy to preach but hard to practice, specifically for someone like me, who likes to keep her body healthy and moving.

In a way, this fall happened for a reason. I tend to push myself too hard and seldom take time to rest. I often need reminders to slow down because when I’m feeling strong I just keep pushing. My body has been through a lot, and I have worked it hard even through cancer. I am 100% aware (now, if not before) that I need to give myself a break (no pun intended), not put so much pressure on myself, and be grateful for all the things that I can still do.

This is just another minor setback and I have no doubt that I will come back stronger than ever, both mentally and physically. A friend of mine shared this ancient Chinese Proverb with me, because he sensed I was feeling low: “Fall down seven times. Stand up eight.” It’s definitely the story of my life with MS, but I’m so glad he was quick to remind me. It’s what I do, and what all warriors do. As much as I may have wanted to throw my hands in the air and give up about a gazillion (or at least 40) times in the last 14 (+) years, I refuse. It’s not an option. I know I’ll rise, stronger, wiser, and hopefully with more self-love and patience when I get to the other side of this.

Plus, at age 45 I finally can say that I have broken not just one bone but two… at the same time!

Frustration

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Ok. I admit I am not the most patient person, particularly when it comes to myself. I have never felt pressure to accomplish anything by anyone except me. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, in fact I feel that the pressure we put on ourselves is way worse than what comes from external sources such as parents, siblings, bosses, or even our own spouses.

This is not a new issue for me. I have been doing this my entire life. It’s a result of being a perfectionist. I’m not talking about simply being happy when you feel like you’ve done something perfectly. That’s a pleasant feeling for most. But for a true perfectionist, it’s so incredibly difficult to ever feel satisfied. It’s actually an illness just like depression and OCD. I got straight A’s in school, not because my parents insisted or rewarded that behavior with anything more than “Good job!”, but because I had to be perfect.

That behavior came along with me through my working years, especially as a teacher. I would have felt that I was doing a disservice to my kids if I didn’t do the job with the passion and dedication that I did. And that meant spending more hours at school than at home, and spending more time with my students and co-workers than with my own husband. Feeling satisfaction with my accomplishments that feel imperfect to me (as I compare myself to my past self) has not been an easy obstacle for me to overcome. It’s hard work and I work on it every single day.

So why am I bringing this up this week? Well, as I write this, I am heading into the third week of dealing with back spasms and soreness. For most people three weeks is not a lot of time. As a former teacher, I thrive on schedules. My “job” since retirement is staying strong and volunteering. I’m lucky enough to have an amazing trainer (the best!) who knows how to work with any and all medical conditions. But I have canceled my volunteer shifts for three weeks now, and I miss my furry friends!

Feeling unsettled and off my schedule is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. With all my follow-up appointments with my oncology team happening last week and this week, I have added in chiropractic care and acupuncture. And while I’m still working out with my trainer, I’m not able to go all out right now, and I miss that. I miss my at home workouts that now are amounting to little more than stretching and gentle yoga moves, and I’m missing my yoga classes. I guess that’s ok since so much of my time has been focused on getting over this hurdle with my back. I wouldn’t have time to do much more anyway considering how many appointments I’m running to.

In addition to feeling out of sorts because of the whole schedule thing, I’m frustrated. I’m stronger than I’ve been, maybe ever but I am learning that these things happen and I need to take a step back and allow myself the time to heal. This body of mine has been through a lot in recent years: Multiple Sclerosis, Spinal Fusion Surgery, and Breast Cancer just to name a few… When I look at things that way, it makes the current situation so much easier to tolerate. I am, after all, only human. And despite it all, my sippy cup of lemonade will always remain half full.

Unfortunately lately the time on my mat is spent with my foam roller, ice packs, and my portable TENS machine. 🙁

#LifeWithMS

2 Replies
Wednesday, May 31, 2017 is World MS Day. On this day more than any other day of the year, I stand in solidarity with my MS brothers and sisters, each of us doing something in our own individual ways to help raise awareness of this often invisible, consequently overlooked, incurable illness. This has become a powerful movement in recent years, and the theme this year is #LifeWithMS. In honor of this theme, I am sharing my thoughts on the matter, as always,  hoping to impact as many people as possible, whether they suffer from MS, have loved ones who do, or who don’t know anything about #LifeWithMS.
First of all, Multiple Sclerosis does not discriminate. Not by race, ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or otherwise. No one is immune or exempt from the possibility. Although most people are diagnosed between ages 20 and 40, there are no rules and it can happen way earlier or way later. Additionally, having MS does not preclude anyone from being diagnosed with other serious conditions… a fact I always knew but learned first hand having recently completed treatment for breast cancer.
My #LifeWithMS has taught me so much about myself, my friends and family, and the world in general. Because the vast majority of my symptoms are invisible, I find that I am treated very differently than the MS patient who relies upon a walker or a scooter because those are devices the whole world can see. My experience with my sisters and brothers who rely on assistive devices for ambulation is that generally other people are kind and considerate, and amazingly helpful because they can see that there is something wrong. I am generally not afforded the same consideration because looking at me, most people wouldn’t know I have anything wrong with me at all (but my therapist knows the truth!). In fact, I often get the evil eye when I pull into a handicap parking spot, and have even been questioned about it by perfect strangers. I have been dealing with this for a long time, so I no longer feel the need to engage with others or defend the fact that I am, indeed, disabled. The office of social security, the motor vehicle commission, my doctors, and the state of NJ all acknowledge it, and all these years later I don’t really give a crap if a random busy body watching me park my car does or not because I’m too busy trying to live my very best #LifeWithMS.
My point is that just because you don’t see something, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. I mean we can’t see gravity, but I assure you it’s there, and I don’t think anyone would argue that. So am I supposed to present an enumerated list of my symptoms to all who meet me so that they know that I suffer on a daily basis? And I do suffer from many difficult to manage symptoms, yet I always hear the dreaded “but you look so good!” My internal response is always the same: Damn… I am a great actress! (or else I think and you don’t look dumb, but you are!)
#LifeWithMS includes managing crippling fatigue, deep neuromuscular pain, bladder issues, “painsomnia” (self explanatory I hope), neuropathy (numbness, tingling, weakness, lack of coordination) on my entire left side plus my right foot, insatiable neuropathic itching fits that have left me raw and scarred all over my body, constant vertigo, muscle spasms in my legs and intercostal muscles often known as the “MS Hug”, and the list goes on and on. But when you see me out you won’t know it, because I am an actress and an optimist, and if you tell me I look great, I’ll gladly take the compliment, secretly so grateful that you don’t see me on the worst days when I can’t even remove myself from the couch.

Staying strong is my MO.

My #LifeWithMS revolves around taking care of me, and I am fortunate that I am in a position to do so. I exercise faithfully, eat well (but not without my cheat days), and I meditate. The only thing predictable about MS is its unpredictability and as such, the things I do are the only things that are within my control, and staying strong (both physically and mentally) is my only weapon.

Yup. My shirt says “FC” and my socks say “bad ass”. If you don’t quite get the “FC” part, let’s just say that the “C” stands for cancer.

Of course, I can’t talk about my #LifeWithMS without talking about the incredible support system that surrounds me. I have a devoted partner, a loving MS family, a handful of beautiful friends who have stayed the course with me, and some very special family members as well. Without all of these awesome members of my team, I would be a very different person.

The most important member of my support team is this guy right here… he is my everything.

The take-away for today, the thing I most want to emphasize is that #LifeWithMS is no less worth living than life without it. I still smile endlessly, laugh without abandon, and love with all my heart. But more importantly, I am infinitely more grateful for who I am and all that I have. MS or not, life is what you make of it, and as for me, I prefer to sip lemonade over sucking lemons. Don’t you?

My MS sisters. They are absolutely the best friends I could ever ask for.