Monthly Archives: September 2019

Defeated?

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Today Bruce asked me how I’m doing. Innocuous? For sure. But the question was meant to be deeper than how I’m feeling physically. He then continued to say that I seem different since my diagnosis of diabetes. He said it almost seemed like I was admitting defeat, which is not at all how I feel.

How I feel is frustrated. I am healthier than ever, and treat my body better than I ever have. I feed it with nutrition in mind, give it plenty of exercise, and even allow it to rest when it calls for it. These are steps I have taken and perfected over the course of the last five years. So when I was told that I have “uncontrolled diabetes” I was in shock, and I think I still am.

This diagnosis is even harder than breast cancer was for multiple reasons. Breast cancer is a battle I won, and I knew I could. I mean, I need to be vigilant about my post-cancer care, but my prognosis is indeed very good. I did what I had to do… surgery, lots of waiting, tests, more waiting, scans, more waiting, followed by six weeks of daily radiation which resulted in painful, burnt, and peeling skin. But I knew it would heal. That’s the difference.

With this diabetes diagnosis, everything I have done to change my life still didn’t affect the diagnosis. That’s the frustrating part. We all need to eat in order to live, and even the tiniest tweaks necessary for my diet have been done. The discouraging part is that I can be as diligent as I am, and it still may not change anything. The thought of adding another lifelong battle makes me feel sad, disheartened, and yes, even defeated.

The lesson here is that having an illness such as Multiple Sclerosis does not preclude me (or anyone else) from being diagnosed with other chronic illnesses. It’s important to take care of these bodies of ours so that we can live our best life. That includes wellness visits, mental health, and any specialists that are a part of our medical team. And that’s really important: assembling a health care team that we trust and who communicate with each other (and also with us) in order to keep our bodies working as efficiently as possible.

I never thought my team would include so many specialists, but I am faithful to them all because their job is to help me feel my best. Bruce happened to ask me how I was doing during a moment of weakness, which we all have, even me! The truth of the matter is that I’m doing the same as always. I am doing what I have to do for me, for us, and for our future, because I want us to live a long, happy, and healthy life together.

So I am taking this diagnosis the same as all the others I’ve been given. I’m educating myself, changing the things in my life that need to be addressed, and I do it all with a smile on my face because that’s who I have always been. I may have felt defeated at that moment when he asked me, but the reality of the situation is that I feel more empowered than ever because I can still live happily, laugh openly, and love fiercely, just as I always have. And some things never change… no matter what.

Just reading up on the basics as I get to know this new chronic illness in my life.

Childless

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Today I am re-visiting a hot button topic for me because it seems like it continues to rear its ugly head to this day, even as I am well into my 47th year on this planet.

Years ago, Bruce and I made a conscious decision to not have children for a multitude of reasons. Going into our marriage we had many discussions on the topic and we didn’t think it was right for us, but we were so young. Then MS came along and we just didn’t want to take the chance of me being unable to care for a child leaving Bruce to fully take on all the responsibility.

When we were younger people called us selfish. They looked sideways at us because we did not follow the herd. They asked us who would take care of us when we are old (like that’s a good reason to have a child). They even told us we would never know true love if we did not have a child. This was perhaps the most hurtful because Bruce and I are very much in love, more and more every single day. And the people who said those things to us, now 20 years later, are either divorced or cheating.

More in love with this guy every single day.

Now with hindsight being 20/20 I am confident that Bruce and I made the right decision given all the stuff we have had to deal with, which was hard enough with just us and a couple of dogs. Multiple Sclerosis first, a broken back, breast cancer, and now diabetes. I would not want someone else to be subjected to the same shallow gene pool that I swim in, and I’m grateful that Bruce and I have weathered all these storms together and we have grown stronger as a couple as a result. I don’t know if it would have been the same if we had brought little humans into our world to join us.

On the carousel with my sweet nephew…

By far the most damaging to my self worth has been the people who don’t see me fit to be a part of their children’s lives simply because I don’t have any of my own. The truth of the matter is that I love children and I always have. The assumption that because I didn’t give birth to a child, I must hate kids could not be further from the truth. One look at the interactions I have with my nephew, or my “niece” (my forever friend’s daughter) and it’s quite obvious how I feel about the kids I’ve been blessed to have in my life. And the thing is that I am so grateful for them all that I am guaranteed to be a part of their lives forever if I have anything to say about it.

Me with my forever friend and her beautiful daughter who I have had the pleasure of witnessing her growth from the time she was born.

I know I have endless love to give, and if other people don’t see that, then they don’t really know me at all. My feelings get hurt and my heart breaks just a little bit each time, but it’s something that can be healed given enough time and space. In a way though, I feel more sorry for those who walk away from me because I am a DAMN good auntie… in every single way. I take pride in this fact, maybe more than most because I don’t have my own kids. Either way, it’s their loss.

If they are looking for me, they know where to find me… I’ll just be over here sipping on some lemonade.

I can’t wait to spoil this little boy and his mamaI I have loved her for so many years, and now I am going to love her son just as much.

What now?

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Yes! I’m back! I hope that all my readers enjoyed quality time with loved ones closing out the summer over Labor Day Weekend. I happily spent much needed family time, and though things did not go according to plan, I’m always grateful for making memories together.

My beautiful Rankin family.

Speaking about not going according to plan, it seems my life never does… but does anyone’s really? After everything I have been through from Multiple Sclerosis (and all of the crap that goes along with it), a broken back, and then breast cancer, I am always rolling with the punches with a smile on my face. I make a concerted effort to take good care of myself with plenty of exercise, daily meditation, and a damn good diet because those are things I can actually control. In the last five years I have transformed my life (and my body) by working as hard as someone with MS possibly can. None of it is easy, but being committed to making myself feel better has always been my motivation. Plus I am lucky to have the best support system I could possible ask for.

My five year transformation.

Recently, Bruce and I finally had physicals because although I am on top of my health care, we had a very difficult time finding an internist with whom we felt comfortable. As a last ditch effort, I asked my oncologist for recommendations, and at long last we found a great doctor who did a complete work-up on both of us. He was impressed with my lifestyle despite my many challenges, and so the results that came in were nothing short of shocking.

A daily yoga practice is just one piece of my self-care.

I have always known that my gene pool is quite shallow, and I know that having MS does not preclude me from any other conditions. That’s why I hit breast cancer head on, because that’s what I do. Now to add insult to injury, I found out that I am now a diabetic. At this point in my journey, I was blown away because over the last five years, I have completely transformed my life (and my body), and I would even venture to say that I am stronger and healthier than I have ever been. Five years ago, I was at my lowest, completely lost and insecure, and carrying a whole lot of extra weight. I have worked so damn hard to get to where I am now, and I feel like my body, or rather my genetics, have let me down.

Educating myself.

Anybody I have shared this news with has been equally as surprised as I am, and I can’t understand why I feel embarrassed about it. I have been going through all the emotions: denial, anger, depression, and then denial again. When I hear myself say it out loud it feels like I’m talking about someone else and watching someone else’s life unfold. But this is, indeed, my life and I will never stop handling it the way I always have: with gratitude for medical science that can maintain me where I am, and playing the hand I have been dealt as if it was the one I wanted. I am not a “woe is me” or “why me?” kind of person, and that is something that will never change.

Playing the hand I was dealt!

This is just another bump in the road, and before long, I know that I will embrace it all as part of who I am. I know that there are lessons to be learned from it all, and the longer I continue on my journey, the more things will become clear to me. But for now, I’m doing me… and despite it all, I remain 100% me: a smile on my face, and a glass half-full of lemonade in hand.

still half full!