Bruce and I have never really followed the flock where it comes to what the social norms are regarding relationships. By the time we got married, we had known each other for 10 years already. There was no proposal, nor was there an engagement. We simply decided it was time. We didn’t want a big wedding, and we opted instead for a trip to Las Vegas, just the two of us. On April 17, 2000, Bruce and I tied the knot in front of a webcam, and no one else. It was perfectly us, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Picture taken at the renewal of our vows on our 10th wedding anniversary.
Having children was never a part of our plan. But everyone always told us that we would change our minds. When our friends started having babies, we were still no closer to feeling the need to have children. We were often told that we were selfish, or that we couldn’t possibly know what real love is until we experienced being parents. People also asked us who would take care of us when we are old if we don’t have kids. As if all of this wasn’t insulting enough, many people assumed that we hated children solely because we didn’t have any. Clearly I don’t hate children. My entire life was centered on my career as a teacher and included many adopted “kids”.
This was a very special moment between me and one of my kids at graduation.
Two years into our marriage, MS became the silent third partner in our relationship. Having children is a very personal decision for any couple, but one that needs to be more seriously considered when there is a chronic, progressive, and debilitating illness involved. Even though I didn’t think I wanted to reproduce, I was angry because I felt that MS took the choice away from me. Yes, many women with MS give birth and are completely fine. But many women with MS give birth and do not fare so well afterwards. There were far too many “what ifs” for me to be willing to take that chance. Furthermore, I was struggling to make it through each day as it was, and could not imagine having to care for a child on top of that. It just was not feasible. Having a child for the wrong reasons (like having someone to take care of you in your old age) is selfish. Making a responsible decision is not.
I love this photo of my “niece” Peyton. I got to take her into the ocean for the first time ever when she was just a little peanut. She is 8 years old already!
As a teacher, I felt that I gave birth to a new litter of kids every single year. If anyone ever asked me how many children I had, my response was always, “150 this year.” I took pride in their smallest of accomplishments, and cried many tears over their disappointments. I still do. I always will. Isn’t that what parents do? I loved them as if they were my own children, and no one can dispute that. Bruce and I have many little ones in our life. We love them to death and they love us right back. Being cool Aunt Rennie and cool Uncle Bruce is the perfect compromise.
Cool Aunt Rennie and Uncle Bruce with some of our favorite kiddos.
My value as a woman (and a human being) is not based on whether or not I have children. Similarly, my relationship with my husband is not an inferior one because our family does not include offspring. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Our bond is stronger than ever. Going through the process of being diagnosed with MS completely changed our relationship for the better, as have our experiences with my recent disability and early retirement. His support for me has never wavered, and I’ll always be grateful for that. There is no one in the world I’d rather spend my time with. Children don’t make a family… love does. I can say with 100% certainty that I know what real love is because I live it every day with my little (child-free, dog-full) family.
My kids. They never talk back and I don’t have to pay for college!
