Monthly Archives: May 2017

#LifeWithMS

Wednesday, May 31, 2017 is World MS Day. On this day more than any other day of the year, I stand in solidarity with my MS brothers and sisters, each of us doing something in our own individual ways to help raise awareness of this often invisible, consequently overlooked, incurable illness. This has become a powerful movement in recent years, and the theme this year is #LifeWithMS. In honor of this theme, I am sharing my thoughts on the matter, as always,  hoping to impact as many people as possible, whether they suffer from MS, have loved ones who do, or who don’t know anything about #LifeWithMS.
First of all, Multiple Sclerosis does not discriminate. Not by race, ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or otherwise. No one is immune or exempt from the possibility. Although most people are diagnosed between ages 20 and 40, there are no rules and it can happen way earlier or way later. Additionally, having MS does not preclude anyone from being diagnosed with other serious conditions… a fact I always knew but learned first hand having recently completed treatment for breast cancer.

My #LifeWithMS has taught me so much about myself, my friends and family, and the world in general. Because the vast majority of my symptoms are invisible, I find that I am treated very differently than the MS patient who relies upon a walker or a scooter because those are devices the whole world can see. My experience with my sisters and brothers who rely on assistive devices for ambulation is that generally other people are kind and considerate, and amazingly helpful because they can see that there is something wrong. I am generally not afforded the same consideration because looking at me, most people wouldn’t know I have anything wrong with me at all (but my therapist knows the truth!). In fact, I often get the evil eye when I pull into a handicap parking spot, and have even been questioned about it by perfect strangers. I have been dealing with this for a long time, so I no longer feel the need to engage with others or defend the fact that I am, indeed, disabled. The office of social security, the motor vehicle commission, my doctors, and the state of NJ all acknowledge it, and all these years later I don’t really give a crap if a random busy body watching me park my car does or not because I’m too busy trying to live my very best #LifeWithMS.

My point is that just because you don’t see something, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. I mean we can’t see gravity, but I assure you it’s there, and I don’t think anyone would argue that. So am I supposed to present an enumerated list of my symptoms to all who meet me so that they know that I suffer on a daily basis? And I do suffer from many difficult to manage symptoms, yet I always hear the dreaded “but you look so good!” My internal response is always the same: Damn… I am a great actress! (or else I think and you don’t look dumb, but you are!)

#LifeWithMS includes managing crippling fatigue, deep neuromuscular pain, bladder issues, “painsomnia” (self explanatory I hope), neuropathy (numbness, tingling, weakness, lack of coordination) on my entire left side plus my right foot, insatiable neuropathic itching fits that have left me raw and scarred all over my body, constant vertigo, muscle spasms in my legs and intercostal muscles often known as the “MS Hug”, and the list goes on and on. But when you see me out you won’t know it, because I am an actress and an optimist, and if you tell me I look great, I’ll gladly take the compliment, secretly so grateful that you don’t see me on the worst days when I can’t even remove myself from the couch.

Staying strong is my MO.

My #LifeWithMS revolves around taking care of me, and I am fortunate that I am in a position to do so. I exercise faithfully, eat well (but not without my cheat days), and I meditate. The only thing predictable about MS is its unpredictability and as such, the things I do are the only things that are within my control, and staying strong (both physically and mentally) is my only weapon.

Yup. My shirt says “FC” and my socks say “bad ass”. If you don’t quite get the “FC” part, let’s just say that the “C” stands for cancer.

Of course, I can’t talk about my #LifeWithMS without talking about the incredible support system that surrounds me. I have a devoted partner, a loving MS family, a handful of beautiful friends who have stayed the course with me, and some very special family members as well. Without all of these awesome members of my team, I would be a very different person.

The most important member of my support team is this guy right here… he is my everything.

The take-away for today, the thing I most want to emphasize is that #LifeWithMS is no less worth living than life without it. I still smile endlessly, laugh without abandon, and love with all my heart. But more importantly, I am infinitely more grateful for who I am and all that I have. MS or not, life is what you make of it, and as for me, I prefer to sip lemonade over sucking lemons. Don’t you?

My MS sisters. They are absolutely the best friends I could ever ask for.

New Beginnings

This is quite an appropriate topic for me to write about when you think about it. This time of the year is always about new beginnings. The flowers begin to blossom, the trees re-grow their leaves after the long winter months, and the sun graces us with more hours of daylight to enjoy those beautiful changes. This year, particularly in the Rankin household, we are celebrating many more fresh starts than just the environmental factors that surround us, and excitement abounds for us… a feeling I savor and ultimately would like to bottle for future enjoyment.

As a hobby photographer, I love the spring. I could take pictures of flowers and trees forever and be quite content.

Bruce, after working at the same company for the last eight and a half years, tendered his resignation, and as of the writing of this blog, he is just about to begin his new adventure. Change is not easy for my guy, and not only is he humble to a fault, but he also doesn’t often recognize his value. He has worked hard to perfect his niche skill set and in the process has made quite a name for himself. He will tell you he never had goals and aspirations, but having been his partner during the last 22 (+) years, I can tell you that no one has a better work ethic or works as smartly as he does. I am BEYOND proud of his accomplishments, and I have no doubt that he will continue to impress not only me, but all who work with him where he is headed next.

Bruce had to travel for the last week at his old job, and when he came home (with a killer cold) from the office on his last day, I greeted him thusly, so as to avoid the germs.

But enough about Bru… I’m the one who really matters, right?! It’s hard to believe that I finished my treatment for breast cancer over a month ago! I’m starting to feel more like myself again, and I have missed that part of my life that made me feel useful and appreciated by simply volunteering my time and energy. Ever since I took my disability retirement in 2014, I was volunteering at the MS Center where I am a patient. I loved my job there, I loved that I was able to help as much as I did, and I loved that the medical director himself (AKA the big kahuna) asked me personally to please consider volunteering there. As much as I enjoyed my time there, I knew I was physically unable to put in more time, and I also knew that they were in the process of hiring a “real” employee. Sadly, once that happened, it was the beginning of my end there. It’s not that I did anything wrong, it’s just that they hired someone much more qualified than I am. I would have liked some closure, but cancer happened right around the same time so I needed to take “medical leave” for a bit anyway.

 While I saw the writing on the wall with my “job” at the MS Center, I began researching other places where I might enjoy volunteering my time. Amazingly, out of the blue, my friend discovered a facility known as “Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary”. It takes an incredibly special place to warmly welcome dogs (age seven or older) whose humans can no longer care for them. It seemed, at first glance, a perfect fit for me, especially given the way I feel about my own Marty.

My Marty.

So I completed the on-line application, and just attended my orientation. As soon as I got there, I knew it was the place for me. This is not a shelter, and the dogs are referred to as residents. As someone who has now rescued three adult dogs, I know that far too often even adult dogs (not to even mention the seniors) are overlooked simply because of their age. This sanctuary allows these innocent animals to live out their remaining time on earth feeling safe and loved. We should all be given that courtesy at the end of our lives.

I’m very excited about all of the new beginnings that await the Rankin family this spring. The last several months have been trying ones for us, and that might explain why I am looking forward with that much more anticipation than usual. I have learned to embrace all change, whether it seems good or bad to me at the time, because it is through change that we grow as human beings. We don’t know where we are going, but Bru and I will be there together, no matter where this next chapter takes us.

It really doesn’t matter where the journey takes us, Team Rankin is in it for the long haul. We have had our share of rain and now we are ready to bask in the sunshine.

Perspective

This past week I had a few rough patches. One day I found myself telling my MS family, and they all offered me comfort in the same loving way they always do. I thanked them and told them it was all good because tomorrow is a brand new day full of possibilities. Then another day, as we all checked in with each other via text, the norm on days when we don’t see each other, I found myself when asked how I was doing, responding that I could complain but I don’t. It’s not an act or something I put on in front of people, but rather absolutely the true and honest way I live my life.

(MS) Family is everything. My girls, my sisters, my angels. They saved me and showed me how to live as Rennie.

Every day when I sit with my journal and write my gratitude list, it seems to get longer and longer. Obviously I am grateful for the most amazing husband and partner, and the life we have built together. But beyond that, I’m grateful for things most  people don’t even think about… the perfect spring day photo field-tripping with my photog buddies, an awesome workout when my trainer says things like “MS? What MS?”, a body-encompassing hug from the ones I hold dear, doggy kisses (even when I’m frustrated about cleaning up another poop in the house), and even despite MS and breast cancer, I am so incredibly grateful for my health. It is precarious at times, but I have learned to slow down and nurture it, my relationships and how they have changed as a result, and the family I would never have found if I had perfect health!

My sneaky friend Marlene caught me thoroughly making the best of the photo field trip “barn tour” we took last week.

It’s so unfortunate that many people are never given this kind of eye-opening gift… one that comes from a difficult life circumstance but makes you see everything differently. I was that person until MS forced me to give up my beloved career. And even then, it has taken me years of processing and learning how to accept myself in this new light. I genuinely feel lucky for the gifts that I’ve been given through an experience that was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I will never, ever regret the passion, energy, sleepless nights, and endless piles of work that made me Mrs. Rankin, the teacher, because I have so many beautiful people in my life because of her.

Mrs. Rankin with some of her all-time faves at their very last Walk MS before graduating.

But Rennie, the human being, has learned how to be satisfied with her best effort and she is not (quite as) obsessed with being perfect. She appreciates every moment of every day, whether she is spending time with former students, friends, and family, or spending the day cuddled on the couch with her pups. This girl knows how lucky she is that she has the opportunity to take care of herself how and when she needs without losing sight of that because she always took care of everyone and everything job-related before anything else, including her own wellness. She always sought work/life balance but she just couldn’t make it happen. Nothing could. Except MS.

Yoga has definitely been something I have leaned makes me feel better, and has also helped me get to know who Rennie is. I’m far from perfect, but it is called a practice for a reason!

Fighting a battle against MS is not easy, and certainly made harder when breast cancer was added to the mix. But again, I learned so much about who I could count on as part of my “ride or die” team, and also about myself and my own priorities. What I know for sure is that every single day is a clean slate and offers a whole new set of opportunities for each and every one of us. Instead of dwelling on what I miss about being Mrs. Rankin, I look at how much better it is to just be Rennie. I mean, my students are still growing up in front of me and doing some massively impressive stuff. And I get to experience it totally differently because I am Rennie. I don’t have to wake up at 4:45 in the morning and be within the confines of a classroom to continue my work as a teacher. I can really enjoy nights and weekends without the pressure of the job constantly weighing in the back of my mind.

New possibilities every single day…

Now I’m not saying I was miserable when I was Mrs. Rankin because that would devalue everything I did to be the teacher I was. I loved every second of it, but I just didn’t know how much more I could love life. And I do. I take nothing for granted because there are no guarantees ever.

Life with this guy since I stopped working just keeps getting better and better.

These days I’m smiling a whole lot more, laughing out loud (often boisterously and without fear of being stared at), and definitely loving those who have stayed the course with me much more deeply than ever. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a scare of epic proportions to gain the kind of perspective we all need to live a genuinely happy life. I’ve definitely had my share of these “scares” and oddly enough, I am happy that I have, because I am a better person, in a better place than I ever thought possible.

Clinical Trials

Today I am sharing an updated version of a previous blog post because I couldn’t let Clinical Trials Awareness Week go by without acknowledging the many, many patients who put their health and welfare on the line each and every day as human guinea pigs, in order to broaden the spectrum of treatment options for patients suffering from a myriad of conditions. I am a week late, but without further ado, I present my own experience as a clinical trial participant.

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In honor of Clinical Trials Awareness Week (May 1-7, 2017), I decided to share my experience as a participant in the clinical trial for what was once FTY720, then Fingolimod, and ultimately became Gilenya, the first oral medication for relapsing forms of Multiple Sclerosis.

The months leading up to my search for alternate treatment options were some of the darkest of my life. I had exhausted all of the available approved medications (at that time only four different injectables options). After I had failed on a once a month infusion therapy, which to me was nothing more than hanging out with my friends once a month, except we all had IVs in our arms, I began my last remaining option: a daily injection, which ruled my world. I had horrible injection site reactions, regardless of how diligently I rotated my injection sites. I tried a heating pad, I tried ice, I tried morning, I tried night, I tried just after a shower. I tried everything to make things better, but to no avail. The worst part about the MS treatments is that they don’t offer any “relief”, and taking them is a really all about the future. They are the best chance we have of slowing the progression of an inevitably progressive illness, but there is no instant gratification, and the results will never truly be known. In any case, I knew I wanted to be on treatment, but I did not feel that I could withstand the torture of the burning lumps, bruises, and excruciating after-effects of my current medication.  

With no other treatment options available to me, I dove into the world of clinical trials. Coincidentally, I had seen a segment on the news regarding the Novartis Freedoms II trial testing the efficacy and safety of an oral medication, and I learned that the trial was recruiting participants. I found an online screener, completed it, and was directed to a study center that was participating.  After the online screener, I received a generic “thank you for your interest” email, advising me that if my preliminary responses indicated I was eligible, a study nurse would contact me. I felt deflated, again yearning for instant gratification yet not getting it. But several days later, I received a phone call from the nurse, and spent about an hour discussing the course of my MS in great detail. At the end of our conversation, I was one step closer as we scheduled a face-to-face appointment to discuss the informed consent, which is a huge document outlining every single side effect that had been reported, as well as what my responsibilities would include. It was a pretty scary wad of papers that my husband and I scoured through (also enlisting the help of my dad, my sister, and my mother-in-law), and came back with a list of questions for my next appointment. 

In November of 2008, I had my first of many appointments at The Gimbel MS Center at Holy Name Hospital in Teaneck, NJ. It was one of the very first ever comprehensive care centers for MS and it has a great reputation, particularly relating to research studies. I met with the study nurse who went over the informed consent, point by point with me. She patiently answered all of my questions, understanding of how scary a proposition it is to enroll in a research study where you may (or may not) be taking a medication that is brand new, with side effects and efficacy yet to be discovered. Preliminary results from early trials can be encouraging but still do not tell the entire story. But that November day in ’08, I made a decision that undoubtedly changed my life for the better. I consented to a two year, double blind, placebo controlled clinical trial. I knew that the possibility existed that I would be on no medication at all for two years, but they were testing two different drug strengths versus placebo, so I felt that my odds were pretty good. Instead of a fifty/fifty chance of getting the product, I had a two out of three chance. In my mind, I just knew that the universe would take care of me. 

Being in a clinical trial requires commitment. Even before I took my first dose, I had two full days of baseline testing which included visits with a dermatologist, an ophthalmologist, pulmonary exams, MRIs, EKGs, and I even had to wear a 24 hour Holter Monitor (which I told my students was recording everything going on in the classroom…and they believed it!). Additionally, I had to meet with the researching neurologist, the examining neurologist, and I underwent a battery of neurological tests (which I’m convinced are all meant as torture devices) with the study nurse. And this process was repeated every 3 months. As much as scheduling was often difficult because I was still working, being monitored so closely made me feel safe even in previously uncharted territory in the world of MS treatments. 

It didn’t take long before I was convinced that I was on the product and not a placebo. I am very sensitive to medications, and I am known to experience side effects, even those deemed “rare” for most patients. This was no exception! In fact, there were  times that I was forced to take a “study drug holiday” until things normalized in my system. I was doubtful that my elevated liver enzymes, or the variation of my absolute lymphocyte count could be attributed to the “placebo effect”! But I still stuck it out. I committed for a two year trial, and I knew in advance what the risks were. I could have opted out at any time, but I felt it was important to follow through. They might not have liked how my body reacted at times, but it was data that needed to be collected for the good of the MS Community.

This was a 3 month supply of my study drug. Every 3 months I had to bring what was remaining and switch for a new “kit”, even if there were pills left. They always gave a few extra just to allow for scheduling issues.

Nothing about the clinical trial surprised me, including the fact that they did not want to use me in an extension trial. In fact, they did not even want me to complete the trial with them. At month 21, the very product I had been taking, became commercially available as Gilenya, the first ever oral medication for relapsing forms of Multiple Sclerosis. I maintain that if my numbers were ideal throughout my time in the trial, I would have been asked to complete the “exit” portion, which in essence, would have sealed my numbers into the results of the trial (and also given me “free” study meds for 3 more months!). I transitioned to the commercial product, which was fine by me, because I still got what I wanted in the end: another treatment option.

This is what the original Gilenya packaging looked like. It is the worst concept ever, particularly for patients who lack manual dexterity, or what my friends and I call “fumble fingers”. Also, it was only a 28 day supply, and ran about $5,000.

I almost jumped for joy when the packaging changed to a regular pill bottle and an actual 30 day supply!

Years later, we were “unblinded”, and as it turns out, I was on Gilenya the whole time. I learned a lot through the process, and I know it taught me more about being a “professional patient” than I ever thought possible. It’s true that my motives for enrolling in the clinical trial were self-serving, but ultimately I knew that I was also doing for the greater good. I was patient number 002516, and I’m damn proud of it. 

Tamoxifen

Although I have completed the bulk of my treatment for breast cancer, there are still decisions to be made regarding what’s next. Now I know I’m no ordinary patient, because living with MS for 14 years now kind of gives me professional status. I’m no amateur at sifting through the data and the numbers and the information that patients are often bombarded with. I am not the one who blindly follows whatever the doctors say, without asking questions and doing my own due diligence.

Here in the US, there is a standard protocol for treating breast cancer (written by all the best breast cancer specialists from all the top cancer institutes), depending on many factors, and there is even a little flow chart so you can map out what your treatment looks like. Some of the factors that affect the protocol include the size of the tumor, the pathology of the tumor, and the Oncotype score of the tumor, which indicates the likelihood of recurrence.

This is what the flow chart looks like, with markings from my Oncologist indicating where we were at the time of that visit.

For me, my treatment began with the lumpectomy and lymph node biopsy. Then once I was healed enough from my surgery, I completed six weeks (30 treatments) of daily radiation. The next step, presumably, would be taking a medication, often referred to as a “hormone moderator” or “endocrine therapy”  (Tamoxifen) for the next 10 years, because my cancer is fed by estrogen. This is the part I take issue with. As an MS patient, I am no stranger to medications, and I’m always balancing out the risk versus the reward for each one. I also happen to be very sensitive to side effects so this process is always very difficult for me, and the decisions are never made without Bruce being on board.

We have been discussing this medication since January, knowing full well that I wouldn’t start taking it until after I completed radiation and we had our little celebratory vacation. We have been talking to anybody and everybody about their thoughts: doctors, nurses, survivors, and each other. We did our own research separately online, too. I allowed myself 20 minute time frames to do this, because otherwise I could easily end up in a rabbit hole of information, obsessing for hours. My concerns center around the side effects, many of which mimic MS symptoms, so I became anxious that everything would be magnified for me. There is little to no data out there about the effect of this medication on MS patients. Many otherwise “healthy” (aside from breast cancer) women are miserably torturing themselves on a medication that for me (and my specific case), is simply not worth the “reward”. But I also happen to be a “rule girl” so I wavered minute to minute until very recently.

We did a virtual 5K (which ended up being over 5 miles) with my photo friends. Too many photographers in one great place means that there are detours everywhere!

Now I’m not saying my decision is the right one for everyone. But what I am saying is that data can be easily manipulated, and often is, to make things seem more (or less) favorable. When four women out of 1000 on Tamoxifen have a recurrence of breast cancer as opposed to seven women out of 1000 not on Tamoxifen, the percentage is low. Yet when extrapolated out far enough, the difference between 0.4 and 0.7 becomes upwards of 40%. And that’s how patients who are already at their most vulnerable and most dependent on their physicians, diligently do as they are told without questioning it. Because it’s scary. But through my journey with MS, I have learned to ask questions, and to advocate for myself because no matter how amazing my medical team is, once I am not sitting in front of them, they are not thinking about me or my case. They move on to the next patient, and I am the one who has to live with the decisions I make. And the decision I have made is to NOT take Tamoxifen.

I had a very small tumor, no genetic markers, no family history, low Oncotype score, clear nodes, and clear margins. All of this makes my risk of recurrence low. Plus I will be monitored frequently in the months and years ahead, and therefore I feel comfortable with my decision. Bruce and I made this decision together because we are a team, and I know that I’m not walking this journey alone. My quality of life affects him, and we both agree that quality of life trumps all. I know that according to medical professionals, I may be taking a chance, but it’s worth it. Plus, I know that together Bru and I are strong enough to beat anything, and we already kicked cancer’s ass once…

Team Rankin always wins. We have proven it already, but we will do it again if need be!