Tag Archives: exercise

Heat Intolerance

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Now that summer is upon us, I am already mindful of the blistering heat and humidity that are par for the course living in NJ. I definitely love the summer vibe that is palpable everywhere you go, as winter coats are traded in for tank tops and Uggs go back in the closet in favor of flip flops. While I can appreciate the sentiment, summers are not easy for me due to heat intolerance caused by Multiple Sclerosis.

The sun, while beautiful, could quite literally be the death of me.

This year I am particularly anxious about it. Since my vaccination status is null due to the Disease Modifying Theraoy I am on for MS, I am supposed to be acting as if I am not vaccinated, which means no indoor dining. While summer is the time that I normally catch up with teacher friends and former students, we are relegated to outdoor visits only, which can’t happen during the sweltering weather here in NJ. So this year, I am taking the whole heat intolerance thing a lot harder than I normally do, because I am feeling isolated yet again. And to make matters worse, I haven’t exactly been able to figure out why the heat and humidity can wreak such havoc on my body, even when I am confined to the meat locker conditions that keep our air conditioning pumping all summer to maintain a blustery 64 degrees inside our home. But it does.


I spend the vast majority of my time during the summer inside anywhere that it is climate-controlled, preferably where I have control of the thermostat. While I am grateful to live in a country where air conditioning is available and with a husband who appreciates the cold air, too. This really is a necessity for me, and many other MS patients, who are deeply affected by extreme temperatures at either end of the thermometer. I wish it was simply a matter of heat making me feel uncomfortable. Or me disliking being hot. However, when I overheat, it is much more serious than that. My body begins to buzz and vibrate everywhere, from the inside. All of my symptoms are magnified, which means my tremors are exaggerated (even in my voice and my eyes), I tingle from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, and most importantly, I suffer from  what is called Uhthoff’s Phenomenon, which occurs due to optic nerve damage. This is by far the scariest of my heat-induced symptoms because it causes my vision to get blurry, distorted, lose borders, or go away entirely. (Just a side-note that this can also happen when exercising, which is always a balancing act walking that very fine line between working hard, and over-working.). So naturally, I do everything within my power to avoid all of it by staying cool. In summer months, a look inside my bag will reveal snap and break ice packs, a mister, a hat to keep the sun off my face, and a good old fashioned folding fan.

Summer beach house with the family… private beach entrance means I can come in and out of the heat as needed.

When I was still working, I jumped through unbelievable hoops to have air conditioning installed in my classroom, which was a process that did not happen quickly or easily. The principal of my building at the time was not happy about my request, and she even told me that people who had made such requests in the past were told to get a job elsewhere. I didn’t. Because the Americans with Disabilities Act requires employers to make reasonable accommodations such as this one. It was a simple solution to maintain my ability to continue to do my job, and everyone acted like it was a gift. I often had co-workers tell me “it must be nice to have AC in your classroom”, to which I always responded I’d trade the air conditioning in a second for a healthy immune system. I would have preferred to be healthy and hot than to require this accommodation in order to perform my job.

While air conditioning is my savior during the oppressive heat and humidity, I do experience “cabin fever” as the lazy days of summer lead to autumn. I am especially worried about it this year because I have been isolating so much, and missing seeing some of my favorite people. I am just hoping that somehow we get a more temperate summer so that I can enjoy some time outdoors (with or without loved ones),  soaking up some Vitamin D, without fear of losing my vision due to overheating. Thinking back to past summers and how antsy I get by being constantly held hostage by my need to stay cool, makes thinking about this one incredibly intimidating.

I dream about the days before MS limited my time at a place I love so much.

In the long run, I always do what I have to do because I have been doing it so long that it’s all I know. The point of this whole entry is that heat intolerance is real, and many MS patients suffer from it because we can not thermoregulate like others do. In other words, our inner thermostats are broken. Just a few years back, we lost one of our own because before she realized how overheated she was, she had become paralyzed and could not even speak. She was rushed to the hospital but because she could not thermoregulate, her core temperature had risen to 107 degrees, and despite being packed in ice, she did not make it.

If you are heat intolerant, please be prepared, and educate those around you so that they can help you if need be. No one wants to see another warrior succumb so tragically and unnecessarily. Even though I have been aware of my heat intolerance for many years now, it took me  a long time to realize just how serious it can be. Now, there’s no way I could ever forget.

(RIP, Sarah.)

Inclusivity

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So there is an activewear subscription box that people are loving, the price is great, and I’d love to be able to get it. There are not many subscription boxes for bigger people, and even Yoga Club Box, which I had an affiliate partnership with, stopped stocking my size… unless I wanted long sleeves (which I can’t work out in since I am heat intolerant), or tank tops, which I am very self-conscious in. I’m not going to name this box, but the outfits are adorable and I’d love to wear them. However, they are not size inclusive.

When I see their ads come up on Instagram or Facebook, I always comment about them not offering extended sizing. Usually I get a lot of likes from other people who feel the same way as I do: excluded because they do not fit into the societal standard of what the female body “should” be. I feel it’s my duty to let these companies know that we come in all shapes and sizes, and being non-inclusive alienates a large percentage of the population. I firmly believe that there is money to be made on us bigger-bodied, active women who want cute outfits just like our thinner counterparts. Once I make my comment about size-inclusivity, that’s where it usually ends.

Except this past weekend. I made my usual comment on their ad (on Instagram) and got my usual likes from others who support my reasoning. However, in addition to the usual likes, someone tagged me in a post by someone else that stated something to the effect that there is no need to extend sizing, it can just be motivation for bigger people to lose weight so they, too,  can get a subscription.  This did not sit well with me.

The post that started it.

As I rolled this info around my head for a bit, I had a few thoughts that I could not shake. One was that the other girl tagged me. I think she sees that I always comment on this company’s ads and she wanted me to see how ridiculous a comment that was. And while I normally don’t engage with people like this clearly perfect female specimen, I (after being super cranky because I had a bad MS day and I was frustrated), felt the need to stand up to this kind of mindset that is far too common among women particularly.

So this woman decided to share her wisdom, although when I asked her where she earned her degrees from she didn’t answer, especially when she said that getting smaller is “more healthier”, something this language lover ran with. She insisted that there’s no such thing as bigger frames, thicker bones, or medical reasons why someone might not be able to attain the perfect body that she clearly has. She then made it obvious to me when she said something like, “Wait are you big boned, muscular, or do you suffer chronic illnesses? I’m so confused!” I know you are honey. Because your tiny little brain can’t understand that none of those things are mutually exclusive of the other, and that none of these are reasons for a company to not be size-inclusive, which is how I ended it…

But not before she stalked my feed (which I don’t mind at all), and proceeded to talk about my “flabby body” and the “sag in my arm and belly.” Then she said “ok you do you, boo!” (which I did not appreciate but ignored because you just can’t fix stupid). Clearly not an ounce of compassion to be had, and kindness must not exist in her world.

This is the photo that sparked the comments about my flab and sags.

So I left it where I said, and told her to take good care of herself. Like I said, I normally do not engage with trolls like this, but her ignorance was palpable and I felt the need, not just for me but on behalf of the girl who tagged me and all the bigger bodies out there, to school her. I must have done well because she did not respond further. I already gave her more energy than she deserved, but I felt she needed to hear what I had to say.

Sadly, this is not an isolated incident. How is anyone supposed to make progress on a weight loss journey if they aren’t given some grace? We are ostracized for being bigger, and not supported on a journey to get smaller because people like Ms. Perfect can’t see the big picture. Just like this activewear subscription box. As a big girl, I love it when I have cute outfits to wear for working out, and it’s motivating to feel like you look cute while doing it. But it just doesn’t happen often enough because not everyone is size-inclusive.

No weight loss journey happens healthily overnight. These pictures were taken 6 years apart to the day. I will forever be a work in progress and I am ok with that.

The simple truth is that we are given this vessel that we occupy and it’s temporary. Think of a pitcher of water, a glass of water, and a thimble of water. All are different shapes and sizes. But what’s inside? Water. All the same! When will society understand this point? What we are inside is the important part. And as Bryan Kest, a famous yogi who speaks so openly on this matter says, “Isn’t it our differences that make us beautiful?”

This shirt is my affirmation that no matter what anyone says, and no matter my shape or size, I am enough.

I think so. I just wish the rest of the world could understand it too. It doesn’t take a lot to be compassionate and kind, and understand that no two human beings will have the same exact body size and shape, but neither is inferior to the other.

Sorry, “Boo”. You do you and keep your ignorant opinions to yourself. The rest of us will keep on working on ourselves while Karma takes care of you!

This is my rant to the troll.

Depression

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Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in a place we are not accustomed to. I’m not talking about a physical space, but rather the space which occupies our minds. For this glass-half-full girl, it is very difficult when my mind wanders off the sunny path I usually follow.

This is the usual sunny path I follow.

People with chronic illnesses are definitely more subject to suffering from depression than your average, healthy person, and many of us do take antidepressants to help us manage the weight of it all. But even with medications, there are times when depression can overtake us, and that’s ok. One of my MS sisters told me she “doesn’t live there but she visits on occasion.”  I love this analogy because it makes me feel like it’s ok, especially because I so strongly believe that as human beings, we need to experience the whole range of emotions in order to appreciate everything in our world.

My beautiful, kind, understanding, and loving MS sister, Mary and I always have conversations like the one that inspired this entry.

For me, my frustration has been building since I self-quarantined ahead of our state’s mandate to do so. From March until June, we were also social distancing at home since Bruce was going out to get what we needed, and since I am highly vulnerable, we thought that we couldn’t be too careful. We kept ourselves distanced until halfway through June when I actually left the house to take my twice a year infusion for MS. Although I am generally all for staying home and relaxing, it’s quite different when your vulnerability inhibits your actions and behavior. When it’s not really your choice anymore, things become harder to handle and frustration sets in. With no end in sight and being away from all the people I love, added to the divisiveness of our country and the social injustices brought to the forefront pushed me into the land of depression. I tried to keep it at a minimum by throwing myself into yoga At least twice a day (so thankful for Zoom!) and meditating at least five times a day. It was all I could do to keep my mind off the reality of the unprecedented times that have been enveloping us.

My at-home yoga practice has helped me survive these dark times.

Plus a solid mediation practice too.

Not being able to see my squad during those times was so hard that I feared I’d be visiting the land of depression for way longer than I cared to, and longer than I ever had stayed before. But these times are different than any other ones that any of us have ever lived through in the past, and so I realized  I had to grant myself some grace and allow my heart to feel what it needed to feel. I cried when I wanted to, and laughed occasionally, I also spent time away from social media and the news, finding disconnected activities to do daily. No one can argue that these are some weighty times. Everything seems heavy and we sensitive souls feel like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.

This is my MS family, the leaders of my squad, the ones who REALLY get it.

Trying not to focus on the above, I have always struggled with the relationships In my life that have changed, for reasons I don’t understand but I am working hard to accept. I generally find comfort in my MS sisters, but because we were unable to see each other like we used to it was only recently that we were finally able to spend any quality time together. We saw each other last week (but no hugs) at an outdoor lunch. All of these things together have been adding to the weight I’m carrying that is diametrically opposed to who I am. I mean I cried for six hours the other day, which is so NOT me, especially considering that I often can’t cry even when I want to, thanks to the antidepressants that usually help maintain my emotional stability!

I recognize this place, as I (like my MS sister) do visit occasionally. While I am here, I take note of all of my feelings: the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I can further appreciate all of the amazing things that I am blessed with when I leave. And I always leave, knowing full well that it’s ok to come back to visit, but it just isn’t where I live.

I love my Mary so much, and luckily we both have the same attitude. Visiting the land of depression is natural, but living there would be our downfall.

Dear MS

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I’ve spewed evil thoughts about you through the years, I’ve cursed your existence, not just in my life, but in the lives of all those affected, and I’ve fantasized about a world (and my life) without you in it. And here I am, looking back at my life knowing what I know about you now, understanding that I have been spending time with you since 1992 even though my official diagnosis came in 2003. There are things I want you to know, so here is my letter to you. It’s not exactly a love letter, but at this point it isn’t full of hate either.

You came along at a point early in my marriage, when things weren’t so hot. Neither of us was certain that we would last and we had our fair share of marital problems. But through the onset of my symptoms (which were more pronounced than anything I had experienced before), and the endless testing and doctors’ appointments that led to my diagnosis, you made us stronger. You drew us closer to each other than ever before. You made us see what matters most in a relationship, and you helped us re-prioritize our values. For this, I am endlessly grateful because without Bruce, I am nothing, and without him, I would not have the strength to deal with your constant need for attention.

This is my husband, my partner in crime, my best friend, my soul mate, my care partner. Basically my everything.

With the exception of the one relationship that matters most, you changed all of the other ones that existed in my world at that time, and not in a good way. You made people look at me differently, question my reality, and walk out of my life because they didn’t know how to act around me. Sadly this behavior has not changed, and after every relapse my support circle gets smaller. But without you, I never would have found my MS family, or realized the strength of support my little circle offers me. Without you, I wouldn’t express my gratitude to them as often as I do because it’s so important that they know that I appreciate every aspect of who they are and what they offer me, especially when I need them most.

This is my amazing MS family, and I am forever grateful for all that they give me.

You took away my ability to do simple things because of neuropathy, heat intolerance, vertigo, “fumble fingers”, tremors, spasms, bladder issues,  daily pain as well as “painsomnia”, and the list goes on. You forced me out of a career I loved far before I was ready to give it up. But in exchange, you gave me the ability to listen to my body, learn my limitations, and focus solely on me and my health. It’s a gift I never take for granted, and one that has improved my life in huge, wonderful ways.

The dangers of cooking with MS neuropathy… not realizing you burned yourself until much later!

You made me learn everything I could about a disease I knew nothing about until I had to. You made a girl who struggled with science learn more than she cared to about the brain and central nervous system. But because I learned so much, I have been able to educate others, including my students when I was working, my colleagues, and ultimately hundreds of others as a patient advocate speaker. You, MS, gave me my voice and you made it more powerful than it ever was without you.

Here’s me, spreading awareness and speaking to the high rollers at a very exclusive wine-tasting fundraiser.

You put me through the endless cycle of weight loss and weight gain thanks to your relapses that require high dose IV steroids, causing me to balloon up, and then leaving me with the daunting task of getting back to my “normal”, when you take more and more of my function every time. And because of that, I learned how to meditate, do yoga, and workout with a trainer who is passionate about helping MS patients. I am not going to lie and say I have great body image, but I’m learning how to accept my reality and be proud of the small accomplishments regardless of how small they may seem to others. I have learned to change my mindset and I exercise to maintain my strength, not to be skinny. I understand that I am a work in progress, and I will be for the rest of my life.

You have not managed to break my spirit, take away my ability to love and be loved, or change who I am fundamentally: the glass half-full girl. You have not made me ask “why me?”, because I think “why not me?”. Your presence in my life has helped me see more clearly, laugh more freely, and love more deeply than I ever thought possible. While other patients might write you a letter full of anger, resentment, and spite, that’s not how I roll. This letter is one full of gratitude for all that I am and all that I have despite it all. I am now and will forever be thankful for these lessons I have learned, no matter how difficult the road to learning them has been. Some people live an entire lifetime without knowing what I know now, so how could I possibly be angry? Life is what we make of it, and no matter how hard the journey, if you stop to appreciate all that you have rather than dwell on what you don’t, then you can join me in a life that may not be what you had planned, but is still overwhelmingly beautiful.

Admiring the beauty all around me is something that has only happened in recent years, and by far it’s one of the greatest gifts MS has given me.

 

Diagnosiversary

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In preparation for my blog this week, I decided to read what I had written about my diagnosiversary in past years, because I just can’t let June 2 slip by without acknowledging it. I read through the entry, and I realized that on this, the 17th anniversary of my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, I would have written the same exact thing I shared last year (which I shared from the year before, and the year before that) on the topic. The feelings I experienced on that day, and during the weeks and months that followed, are still as raw and as powerful as they were 17 years ago. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, telling the story immediately brings me back to that moment in time, so here’s what I have shared in years past. Nothing has changed about that day, except year 17 has brought many challenges, namely a diabetes diagnosis and the COVID_19 pandemic, but it has also brought many more rewards for which I am grateful every single day. So here’s what you go through when you are diagnosed with a chronic, progressive, and debilitating disease.

I am so grateful for all that my body can do despite living with MS likely since the early 90’s, having a fused spine, being a breast cancer survivor, and also living with diabetes.

June 2 is a very special day for me. It’s a random day, and it probably means nothing to anyone but me (and possibly my husband). It’s an anniversary that does not celebrate a milestone or an accomplishment, but June 2, 2003 is a date that I will never forget. On that day, I was given a diagnosis that undoubtedly has changed the course of my life.

Every year on June 2, I am brought back to that day, now [seventeen] years ago. I relive the details of the day moment by moment. I remember what I ate for breakfast (oatmeal), and I remember what I was wearing (white and blue plaid capri pants, a blue button down shirt, and white and blue sneakers). I remember stopping at Dunkin Donuts for a large iced coffee (black) on the way to school. I remember the panic attacks. All. Day. Long. I remember that I had permission to leave after my last teaching period so that I could get to my appointment on time. I remember that my appointment was at 2:30, and I remember that Bruce took a half a day so that he could go with me.

So we got in the car, not talking to each other at all. On the way to the neurology appointment, we stopped at the radiology office to pick up a copy of the MRI results, just in case the doctor hadn’t yet received them. They kindly folded the paper and put it inside an envelope. In the elevator up to the doctor’s office, Bruce asked me if I was going to open the envelope. Without hesitation I said no way. I knew I wouldn’t understand what was written there, and why not just have these last moments together before the inevitable?

We sat in the doctor’s office, staring at each other, waiting for for him to deliver the news. We didn’t talk. I was too busy having one panic attack after another to even attempt a conversation. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally heard his footsteps approaching. We heard him pause outside the door, and we heard him pull my chart out of the bin outside the room. Then, to our complete and utter shock, we heard him let out a huge sigh, before knocking once and entering the room.

The doctor walked in, greeted us, and told us that I have Multiple Sclerosis. From that moment on, it was as if I was watching someone else’s life unfold. I only heard bits and pieces because my mind began racing. To be fair, I was not yet educated on MS, but at that moment, it felt like I was given a death sentence. We know now that MS is fatal in only the rarest, most severe of cases, yet there was a part of me that did, indeed, die that day. The road ahead of me required a complicated detour that I was not sure I could even navigate.

We left the doctor’s office in a total daze. Suddenly we were occupying space in a world that was completely different for us, yet for everyone else it was unchanged. In this drastically different world, what did we do? We went to Target. I guess we were searching for some sense of normalcy in this new, unknown world of ours. We sat in the car afterwards and called our families to share the news. It wasn’t exactly the kind of news I looked forward to delivering, but at least I finally had an answer. After months of appointments, X-rays, MRIs, blood work, evoked potentials, and cognitive and neurological tests, I was done. It’s not what I wanted nor what I expected, but it was something. The phone calls I made on June 2, 2003 were some of the most difficult conversations I have ever had in my entire life.

Following my diagnosis, Bruce and I holed up at home, and didn’t speak to many people other than each other. Some friends called to offer support, and others dropped off the face of the earth. All the relationships in my life were tested, and certainly the dynamic within them shifted. I learned a lot about my friends, and mourned the loss of many who did not know how to deal with my diagnosis. Sadly, this happens with every relapse, but [17] years later, my coping mechanism for that kind of loss has been fine-tuned, and I have built a support system that holds up.

These women right here, my MS sisters, have never left my side, and although our initial connection was that we all have MS, we could not be more in-tuned with each other if were sisters by blood.

On this day every year, I take inventory of my life since diagnosis. It has not been an easy journey, but it has been amazingly rewarding in so many ways. Since my diagnosis, I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be. Everyone has an inner strength, but not everyone realizes it because you don’t summon that strength until you need it. I have discovered my voice to educate and to raise awareness, and my passion for patient advocacy. These are integral parts of who I am, and without MS I don’t know who I’d be right now. One thing I know for sure is that on my diagnosiversary, I always give thanks to the powers that be for all of the parts of me that MS has made better, and for all the things I am still capable of doing despite the MonSter.

I. Am. Strong.

For [17] years I have acknowledged the importance of my diagnosiversary, and this year is no different. I’m still grateful for the many gifts I’ve been given, and even though my journey has not always been an easy one, I know that every bump in the road makes me a stronger, better version of myself. I don’t celebrate the anniversary that falls on this day. I celebrate all the things that I have managed to accomplish, all the things I can do, and all the things I am, MS and all.

I would be lost without this guy, my rock, who has been at my side every step of the way, regardless how rough the terrain has been. **photo credit: Idalia Photography**

 

 

Progress

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Before I stopped working, I was such a different person. I was always on edge, despite my best efforts not to be, and I was constantly thinking about things that, in the long run, just aren’t that important. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, without paying attention to much aside from what I HAD to get done. I never thought about the things that are so important to me now: gratitude, awareness, and self-care. Such simple concepts, yet they are often overlooked by the average person.

Now I feel like I am a completely different person. I don’t remember what it’s like to not take my own needs into account because I am so much more aware of what I need to do for my body so that I can function as normally as I can. If something feels “off”, I recognize the feeling, and I do what I need to do in order to self-correct. Sometimes it means trying to rest more than I’d like, sometimes it means I need to stretch, and sometimes I need to just “power through”, trusting that I have learned to listen to my body and do what’s right. This has not been an easy lesson to learn, especially for a girl who spent her whole life as an athlete and also a perfectionist. MS and perfectionism do not go well together so in my old life I spent more time frustrated at myself when I shouldn’t have been. No one gives you a trophy for being perfect, and no one really is. Our flaws become a part of us, and certainly give us goals to work on in order to be better versions of ourselves. I can say with 100% confidence that I am far from perfect, but I am a better version of me than I ever have been, MS, breast cancer, diabetes, and all.

In my past life, I never would have taken the time to admire a beautiful view like this.

I also don’t allow myself to get caught up in simple irritants such as traffic or dumb drivers. Of course I am referring to non-pandemic times here! It’s just not worth the stress. If there’s traffic, I try to look at it as a way to catch up listening to my favorite podcasts, or simply take in the view as the seasons change from one to the next. Similarly, I find I’m more flexible where it comes to scheduling anything, because I am not working. I understand that people who have jobs deserve to have me work around them, just as I would have liked others to do for me while I was still working. It’s always appreciated by whoever is scheduling the appointments because they know that other clients/patients can only make certain time slots. Again, I am talking about the days before we were all at home and there were always appointments to get to. I’m always willing to reschedule for the benefit of someone else who needs it, and in a very small way that doesn’t affect me at all, I am paying it forward.

I’m not saying that without work I have no goals and no schedule. In fact, I thrive on a schedule just like most teachers. I went from something so rigid that I could only use the bathroom on scheduled time, to nothing. Keeping a schedule for myself helps me feel like a productive member of society, regardless of what that schedule entails… but now I have the option to not do everything I have planned if my body is not allowing it. And MS loves that I can use the bathroom whenever my bladder feels the need, because that hasn’t always been the case, and it was one of the most difficult things I dealt with while I was working. I try to stick to my goals and my schedule but I don’t beat myself up if things don’t get done exactly in the timeline I imagined. This is a big deal to a lifetime perfectionist, and I am pretty proud of the progress I have made, even if it took breast cancer to teach me this lesson.

Even in pandemic times, I make a schedule for myself every single week. It revolves around yoga classes but then I set aside the time to do other things too.

The last piece that has rounded out my post-teaching life is gratitude. I was so work-driven in my old life, and I always put myself last. When I thought about gratitude (which was not all that frequently), my thoughts included simple things like being grateful that my most “active” class (see that? I never thought about any class being the worst) was tolerable and didn’t leave me beaten down. Now, when I think about gratitude, it’s bigger and all encompassing. I start and end every single day by listing things for which I am grateful, and I also have daily affirmations that keep me focused on me and my progress. Now, my gratitude includes things like being thankful for this body of mine because no matter how damaged it is on the inside or what it looks like on the outside, it’s the only one I’ve got and it’s getting stronger every day.

No words needed.

The things I have written about are important to every single one of us, and I wish i knew just how much when I was living my past life. It’s so sad that it took an MS diagnosis and its progression to force me to change my life completely before I learned to put myself first. If I don’t take care of myself (physically, mentally, and spiritually), I am no good for anyone (or anything)  else. Ok… so maybe you don’t have MS or any chronic conditions that dictate your life. But I truly believe that committing to your own self-care can only make you a better version of yourself. I mean, clearly you are already awesome because you are reading my blog… but just think of how much more awesome you could be!

 

Curls

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In light of the current world circumstances, I thought this week I would bring back a light-hearted, fun post because I think we could all use it! Enjoy this entry from 2015, in which I talk about my huge head of crazy curls!

I think it’s a pretty accurate statement that no one is ever truly happy with what they have in life, and that the grass is always greener in someone else’s yard. I spent most of my life fighting against what I was given and aching for what I perceived to be society’s idea of beautiful. It seems like a petty topic to write about, but it’s really symbolic of a much bigger issue.

As a child I felt that I had inherited the worst possible physical traits from each of my parents (sorry, Dad!). My sisters were thin and small-boned, while I was chunky with thick wrists and fingers, not to mention a back broader than most linebackers. They had long, beautiful hair and I had a thick mess of a mop that my parents insisted on keeping short. Think: chubby little white girl with a big, huge Afro! I cringe when I see pictures of myself before the age of about 13 or 14 years old.

Straight hair took at least an hour and a half with a flat iron (not including drying time!).

As an adult, I spent a (not so small) fortune on the best straightening irons and products for smoothing hair, and spent countless hours fighting the curl, which in some way made me feel as though I fit in with society’s expectations. When my hair was straightened, I would inevitably get complimented on how great it looked straight, and if I wore my hair curly I’d inevitably be asked if I ever thought about straightening it. Walking through the  mall meant that the people who sold flat irons at the kiosks would harass me just for the opportunity to show me their amazing tools. If it seems as though this is a superficial topic, it’s actually a metaphor for how I have come to embrace who I am.

This was taken the day after my first “curly cut:”.

Ten years ago, I decided I had enough. Why was I wasting time and energy to change who I was? I made an appointment at a swanky salon in NYC that specializes in curly hair, and even braved a blizzard getting there.  The amazing part of this whole thing is that  my curls are oddly connected to my self esteem. Once I allowed my curls to be free, I finally felt like who I was meant to be. I mean, when have I ever followed the flock before? I got married in Las Vegas, made a decision early-on to not have children, and proudly have the healthiest marriage of anyone I know (albeit unconventional according to most people’s standards), so why was I trying to adhere to conventional ideals? When I freed myself of my flat irons, I freed myself from the pressure of fitting in and I learned to accept who I am.  Of course, I consider myself a work in progress, but this was definitely the beginning for me.   

You’ll never catch me without my curls again!

Perhaps the most valuable lesson I’ve learned from embracing my curls is the ability to focus on the positives in life rather than the negatives. I have always looked at my physical characteristics negatively because I insisted on comparing myself to those around me. So I might not have loved every aspect of my appearance, but I learned that there are parts that I actually even appreciate  now. I never could have said that before because I wasn’t open to accepting and (dare I say) liking my appearance. 

It sounds silly to say that my curls helped me focus on the good things, but they did. They are a perfect representation of my personality. They are bouncy and fun…but most importantly, they are resilient: not bad qualities to have inherited, right?

 

If you are one of the curl resistors out there, embrace what you’ve got… it makes life so much simpler!

 

Holland

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These days, I’ve been thinking a lot about Holland. Not actually, but metaphorically. In brief (for those who don’t want to read about it from the link), Holland was not in my plans or on my radar at all. I was ready to head to Paris. I did all my research, and I was fully ready to embrace my home in France. I knew all the restaurants in the neighborhood I hand-picked, all the museums and festivals I would go to, and I even started to learn some of the language.

Sadly, after making the trip, I found myself not in Paris at all, but in Holland instead. I had no idea where anything was, where I would live, the different cultural events that would interest me, and I don’t speak a word of the language because I was prepared to be elsewhere. Not that I had an opinion on Holland, just that I hadn’t planned on being there, and I panicked.

This is a metaphor for what I thought my life was going to be versus what it turned out to be. I was happily living my life as a high school teacher, MS and all. I knew that it was getting increasingly harder for me each year to be the teacher that my kids deserved, but never did I imagine such an abrupt ending to what I can only refer to as my calling. I have no regrets for the way I did my job because I don’t know any other way to do it. I was ALL in. Always. All ways. Nothing came before my kids and my school… absolutely nothing: not my husband, not my family, not even my own well-being. It was my identity and I was proud of it. I could have changed my approach but I didn’t know how. Every June on the last day, I would tell my husband that I made it through another one but I wasn’t sure how many more I had in me. I spent 15 amazing years in Paris. I wasn’t ready to go when MS said it was time.

So my MS and I moved to Holland. I wasn’t happy to be in Holland at first. Everything seemed so strange to me. I went from having everything scheduled down to the exact time I could go to the bathroom, to no schedule whatsoever. I went from being surrounded by people and activity, to spending more time alone. I went from my identity as Mrs. Rankin, with a clear-cut purpose, to Rennie… no identity and no purpose.

Adjusting to Holland was not easy. But you know what? I began to work on myself, and I began putting myself first. I learned to make a schedule for myself because there wasn’t one for me. I learned to surround myself with the most amazing people who always lift me up and remind me that I am worthy of good things, especially while I was figuring out who I was without being a teacher. Most importantly, I found purpose. It really hasn’t changed, it just shifted to a different audience, even with a little overlap from my old life.

No words needed.

This wonderful metaphor that I learned from my therapist has helped me so much as I have built my new life from the bottom up. I have a renewed spirit, a fresh outlook, and so much gratitude for everything even though life did not go according to my plan… this includes shelter in place orders for public safety. Dealing with COVID_19 is just another area of Holland that I knew nothing about, but as I’ve been here self-quarantined for 50 days as of the publishing of this entry, I have learned a ton during this time.

These are some of my regulars who join me as I guide them through a chair yoga practice every single week.

I have learned that I have all that I need and more. I have learned that connecting with others, even virtually is vitally important for good mental health. I have learned that I can still fill my days with yoga and meditation like before, and even though I’m not in the studio, I am grateful for the technology that allows all of this. I have learned that some people follow the rules for the benefit of all (for instance, a former high school teacher with multiple underlying conditions for vulnerability), while there are others who think that rules and mandates issued by the government are “stupid”, or simply do not apply to them. I am grateful for those who are staying home so that the medical facilities can treat every patient properly. I am grateful for all the disconnected activities I take part in, allowing me to exercise my brain and keep it from running overtime. I am grateful for my partner in crime, Bruce, who continues to work 2.5 jobs for 20% less pay to support our family, and I’m grateful that he still has a job that he is able to work remotely even if we have less money coming in. I am grateful to be saving mileage on my car, as well as not spending money on gas… and other incidentals that happen while I am out and about. Like Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. I am grateful for my fur babies who offer love regardless of what’s happening outside. This has become especially important as we isolate in isolation, since when we need anything, Bruce goes out to get it, and we haven’t had a two week period without him having to go out. We are distancing because I am among the most vulnerable, and he says that he couldn’t forgive himself if he gave me the virus. I am grateful for every single front line worker, many of my former students included: doctors, nurses, paramedics, EMTs, CMAs, CNAs, orderlies, longshoremen, truckers, retail workers, the USPS… all those who risk their lives every day in order to protect the health and safety of each and every one of us. Their passion and bravery is not lost on me.

A former student, a friend, a source of pride: a flight paramedic risking his life every single day. Thank you, Brian. I love you.

As human beings, we need to roll with the punches, knowing that we are capable of changing and growing despite any obstacles we face. We are innately  resilient, even if we don’t realize it right away. When I first got to Holland, I did not think I would ever be happy here. But now, six years later, I can’t imagine myself anywhere else. But I learned to trust in the universe and in my own ability to adapt, which may have been the most empowering part of this whole journey. After all, we can’t rely on anyone for our happiness because then you’re always setting yourself up for disappointment. But believing in yourself is where all of the power comes from.

Before I get too far off track here, my point is that regardless of where you are, true happiness abounds as long as you are open to it. I didn’t expect to be in Holland, but I love it here. I am happier, healthier, and so much more grateful for everything than I ever was before. Now in the midst of this pandemic, I am increasingly more grateful for the little things in life, because that’s all I really need. And you know what? The lemonade here in Holland is incredible, and my glass remains half full, as always, and COVID_19 can’t change that.

A drive-by visit appropriately distanced) from my yoga sister lifted my spirits in huge ways…

Lessons

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This week I feel it only appropriate to share some of the lessons I have learned while isolating due to the COVID-19 pandemic, in no particular order.

1. Although I don’t tend to use online platforms (such as Zoom and Google Hangout) and FaceTime, they have enabled all of us to isolate and not feel so alone. Technology is great at moments like this, and I never take it for granted, perhaps because in my generation we didn’t always have it. It helps us feel connected and reminded that we are #alonetogether.

2. Disconnecting from everything and limiting my media intake is vital for my mental health. Too much of anything is not healthy, and there is a very fine line between staying informed and driving up my anxiety with news overload.

One of my “disconnected activities” is this adult paint-by-number project.

3. While we are practicing social distancing, not everyone seems to understand the concept. I saw this when there were a few beautiful days and all the neighborhood kids were out riding bikes or scooters, touching each other, and running around while their parents congregated to watch. There is a reason that the kids are not in school, people!

4. For some reason people are hoarding toilet paper, which I do not understand. I am always paranoid about running out of toilet paper, but in these times when stores are working hard to keep the shelves stocked, I have enough and even if I didn’t, so what? It’s toilet paper, not gold. There are way more important things to have on hand.

Bruce took this picture of the toilet paper aisle at our local grocery store,

5. Supporting local businesses is of utmost importance during this time because they are the ones hurting the most from the economic repercussions. We have been trying to do so by getting takeout as often as possible and will continue to do so for as long as we are allowed because we love our local establishments and want them to still be around when we finally get to the other side of this mess.

We support our favorite local establishments because they need it right now.

6. Parents think they are “home-schooling” their children when what they are actually doing is making sure that the assignments that have been prepared by the teachers for virtual education get done. I can only hope that educators finally get the respect they deserve when this is all said and done.

7. Pets make everything better, but boy are they getting spoiled having their humans around all day long. It will be difficult for them when we actually get back to our regular schedules.

A moment of bonding with my boy.

8. We are living through a historic time. Not all history is good, but hopefully we learn from our responses during times of crisis so that we can be better prepared in the future. If we continue to make the same mistakes, history is bound to repeat itself.

9. Bruce’s friends (who are all of my best guy friends from college since we were in the same social circle before we started dating) are way more fun than mine. They are regularly video-chatting even though everyone lives all over the place and they don’t  regularly see each other. They are making a concerted effort to stay #alonetogether.

I crashed the party the guys were having so i could hang out with all my favorite guys too.

10. Postponing the wedding I have been waiting over 25 years for is heart-breaking but made much easier by cooperation from all my vendors who have been amazingly helpful. I would much rather reschedule and have all my loved ones happy and healthy by my side than anything, and now I will look forward with even more anticipation and excitement than ever.

11. My gray hair seems to come in so much more quickly in isolation, which I will never understand. 🤷‍♀️

12. Yoga and meditation are saviors for my body, mind, and spirit. Live-streaming virtual yoga classes have been a savior in keeping me calm.

End of class… live-streaming virtual yoga class.

13. Finally Bruce… my rock, my best friend, my partner in crime. If we need anything, he goes to get it because I have not one but two underlying conditions, and when he gets home, he strips down to his skivvies, washes his clothes, and disinfects his body. I actually love having him working from home until further notice because I’m comforted simply by his presence. We are making the most of the situation, enjoying our time together, and laughing a lot. Quite honestly there is no one I would rather be locked down with and I’m so grateful that he is my person.

Bruce’s work space until further notice.

So there you have it… lucky 13!  If we all do our part to isolate and practice social distancing, we will be able to see each other in the 3-D world much more quickly. So tell me, what lessons have you learned under the current circumstances?

COVID-19

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We are living through a most historical time together. History is not always good, but it teaches us how to move forward appropriately once we have the benefit of hindsight.

Just one week ago, we could never have imagined how this global pandemic would blow up so quickly, the likes of which very few people alive have experienced before.

As someone who is immuno-compromised, not because of my Multiple Sclerosis, but because of the treatment I take which suppresses my overactive immune system, I have been riddled with anxiety since this whole thing started. I also have another underlying condition since I am diabetic. I have always been very careful about germs, hand-washing, and social distancing, but the elevation of the coronavirus has made my OCD spike to levels that I have never experienced.

How I cope with stress…

Last week, my husband’s company ordered a company wide work from home situation, and I commend them for being proactive in these uncharted waters. And being who he is, Bruce put me on home confinement with very few exceptions.

I will not be going to the yoga studio, to any stores, or anyplace that I might have a hard time distancing from others this making me more open to exposure, and he is taking great precautions when he goes out so that as soon as he gets home, he washes his clothes and disinfects himself to limit any possibility of him possibly infecting me.

While all this is stressful enough, I also have to consider my upcoming wedding on April 17, and whether it is prudent to go forward with the celebration at this time. We have been monitoring the situation very carefully and at this point we have notified all of our guests that we will be making a decision by the end of this week to see where we stand.

Necessities.

As much as I’ve looked forward to this wedding that we have been planning for over 3 years, I can’t make a rash decision that will put me and many of my guests at risk. We have some “elderly” guests, plus a slew of MS family who I need to protect at all costs.

While postponing this wedding is not the ideal in my world, especially since I have been waiting well over 20 years to be a bride, the well-being of my loved ones is so much more important.

I am working on my Plan B while I’m safe within the confines of my home, live-streaming yoga classes, washing my hands incessantly, and meditating like crazy to stay calm.

My saving grace: meditation and yoga!

I’m begging my readers near and far to do the same. It’s better to be vigilant now than have to pay the price later. And it’s such a small thing to ask! Just stay inside so this thing can be contained, hopefully infecting the fewest amount of people possible.

Life is too precious to gamble with, and that’s why I’m being extra-cautious… for me as well as for my loved ones.

And I know that whenever my wedding happens, it will feel so sweet to have all my favorite people, happy and healthy, at my side celebrating not only our marriage, but also that we all made it to the other side of COVID-19 without incident.

Ps. Wash your hands!