Monthly Archives: August 2014

Seasons

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Traditionally this has always been my favorite time of the year. There is nothing I love more than the cool summer nights because it’s a sign from Mother Nature that autumn is approaching. I am constantly awestruck by the beauty of the fall. I love the colors of the leaves turning. I love the crisp fall wind. I love the faint smell of fireplaces warming up chilly homes. I love the sound of the rustling leaves. I love wearing hoodies and Uggs. But most of all, I love the excitement of a new school year, because one of the greatest things about being a teacher is getting a fresh start every single year.

fall

When I was little, I eagerly prepared for the beginning of school. I carefully assembled my binder, making sure that each subject had the exact same number of loose-leaf pages. I had my pencil case stuffed to the max with every single color pen, pencils, highlighters, and whiteout. I could spend hours roaming around the school supplies aisles anywhere I went, just to make sure I had everything I could possibly need.

This excitement continued for me through my college years, and eventually through all my teaching years. I spent dollars upon dollars making sure I would have a well-stocked, beautifully decorated classroom. I spent many days prior to the contractual school year preparing my classroom so that my new batch of students would feel welcomed on day one.

class

Now I’m not so sure how I feel about the fall anymore. Obviously I still love everything about this time of the year, but this year I’m feeling very nostalgic about the one piece that is missing for me. My teacher friends are in school mode, already heading to school here and there to work in their classrooms and get a jump-start on the school year. On the one hand, I ache for the days when I was anticipating the new school year. It’s a strange combination of excitement and apprehension, but I always found it exhilarating. But, on the other hand, I have this new life just waiting for me to make things happen.

I still get to enjoy the colors of the season. I still get to enjoy the fall wind. I still get to enjoy the faint smell of fireplaces. I still get to enjoy the sound of rustling leaves. I still get to enjoy wearing hoodies and Uggs. But instead of looking forward to a new school year, I am looking forward to new traditions. I firmly believe that I will love and appreciate my favorite parts of the fall even more now that I am taking the time to be fully present in the here and now. Everything seems more beautiful to me now because I am taking the time to truly embrace the simple pleasures in life. For the first time ever, I’m looking forward to spending quality time with loved ones, even though school is starting!

I am actually going to spend the first “week of school” in Florida visiting my dad, and I hope it will be a new “first week of school” tradition. Imagine that! Taking a vacation whenever I want? I feel like such a rebel!

 

 

A Reason

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When looking back at my journey with MS so far, I think that the hardest part has been how my friends and family have reacted to the ever changing me. When I was going through the grueling process of endless doctor appointments and tests that ultimately led to my diagnosis, I learned a lot about myself, but also about my friends and family. I quickly discovered who was going to stand by me for the long haul, and who was not prepared to handle the obstacles along the way. Some learned as much as they could about MS in order to be more understanding of my situation and more aware of what I was going through. Others slowly phased themselves out of my life, unnoticed until they just weren’t there anymore. Still others ran from our friendship, deserting me in my time of need.

This was not easy for me to accept. I don’t like to say goodbye to friends. A quality of mine that is both good and bad is that I love fiercely and with every fiber of my being. I would do anything for any one of my friends, and have always put the needs and wants of others ahead of my own. I give without question and offer support whenever I am needed. It’s who I am. I admittedly don’t understand when people are not like me. All I know is that I could never just abandon a friend, especially during difficult times. I will never relate to the way that some people could let go of our relationships, seemingly without a second thought.

Each time I relapsed, more friends seemed to fall out of my life leaving an indelible mark on my heart. I wondered why it was so easy to give up on years of friendship for reasons out of my control. Why couldn’t they still see me, the person underneath? Why couldn’t they see that my heart was still the same, only now it was broken into pieces, with each person taking a piece of it when leaving my side?

Through years of heartbreak, I finally realized that if someone couldn’t accept me as I am then I should not expend any energy hurting over it. The fact of the matter is that energy is limited for those of us with MS, and I decided that I was not going to waste what precious little I had on people who definitely did not spend any time or energy worrying about me. I started to scale back my efforts with those people, and suddenly all new and amazing people came into my life! Instead of being bogged down by negative energy, I surround myself with wonderfully supportive friends who spew optimism just like I do.

I am adjusting to my new normal every single day, and I am incredibly grateful for my small circle of lifetime friends who have remained steadfast at my side. But now I have newer friends who have shown me such tremendous warmth and compassion, and I don’t know what I’d do without them!

Finally, I recognize that not everyone is meant to be in my life forever. I am able to honestly declare that I am thankful to each person who has walked by my side, however briefly, on this journey of mine. I wouldn’t be the person I am now, with the understanding that I now have. As if I needed further clarification on how I came to arrive in this place, my (always full of wisdom) therapist brought everything into perspective for me by sharing a quote: “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Indeed!

 

Holland

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I have always been a “planner”. I used to plan every single detail of my life, from the tiniest to the most monumental. I planned my meals, I planned my outfits, I planned my (limited) social engagements, and I even planned my entire future. I had it all figured out: I would teach until the age of 58, having completed 30 years of teaching, and then do “something else” until I was old enough to collect my pension. Included in that plan was my move out of the classroom and into the school library, using my Masters Degree in Library Science. In my head this would be the best of both worlds, still working with my beloved students but without the same pressures that a classroom teacher feels.

But as I learned early on with Multiple Sclerosis, it’s hard to plan anything. First of all, planning takes energy, a precious commodity for anyone afflicted with MS. Additionally, the unpredictable nature of the illness makes it very difficult to commit to any social events because I never know how I am going to feel when I wake up in the morning. Some days are better than others, but it is rare that I feel fantastic. It’s on the tough days that I grieve for the person I once was. Just after diagnosis, I often commented that MS just doesn’t suit my lifestyle. Whether you are a planner or not though, this MonSter doesn’t suit anyone’s lifestyle!

I slowly watched my life as a planner slip away as my MS progressed. It is much easier to give up those quirky personality traits than to fight the illness. I have spent the last 11 (+) years mourning for my “old” life, and wishing with all of my might that I could be that person again, even if only for a day.

Then I met my therapist, an amazing woman who has helped me so much. That’s right! I am not afraid to admit that I see a therapist who helps me work through many of these issues. I am of the firm belief that everyone can benefit from counseling, particularly those who suffer from chronic illnesses. I have learned to accept help where I can, whether it comes from medications for symptom management or in this case, therapy. It makes me feel empowered to control what I can, since there is so much that is well out of my control. I’ve spent some pretty grueling hours working through my feelings, which run the gamut during any one counseling session.

My therapist uses an analogy that really hits home for me, and probably will for any other “planners” out there. Let’s imagine that you have planned the trip of your lifetime, and you are taking the vacation of your dreams to Paris. You have prepared yourself for this trip to Paris by researching all the great sites that you have only ever seen in photos. You know all the restaurants where you intend to eat your meals, and all the museums you have always wanted to visit. You have chosen beautiful hotels, and your trip is perfectly planned, practically to the minute! You can’t wait to get there because you have dreamt about it for so long…

When you get off the plane, you find yourself in Holland. What? You didn’t plan for Holland! You don’t know where to stay or what to see in Holland. You haven’t read up on the restaurants or the museums. You never would have taken your dream vacation without planning the details.

The truth of the matter is that Holland is beautiful! The sites are awesome, the people are friendly, and there are plenty of great places to eat and things to do. Holland isn’t Paris, but it is Holland!

This lesson is something that I come back to quite frequently with my therapist. When I start talking about my lifelong dream of “going to Paris”, she reminds me that I am in Holland. I never planned to go to Holland, but it is still a very happy place. I am trying to make Holland my dream because I know how much there is to do here. I am learning that Paris isn’t really any better. It’s just different.

One thing I am completely certain of is that if I keep on dreaming about Paris instead of accepting the fact that I am in Holland, I’ll never be happy. So now I spend my time dreaming about all the things that Holland has to offer me, because that is where I am right now… and things are pretty awesome here!