Monthly Archives: November 2014

Body Image

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I have struggled with my weight and body image since I was just a little girl. I grew up admiring the beautiful clothes my sisters wore, knowing that hand-me-downs would never be a possibility. Most children hate the idea of having to wear “used” clothing that gets passed from one sibling to the next, but I would have loved it because I idolized my sisters. Plus, they had really good taste in clothes!

Me and my beautiful sister on the day of her wedding, during an MS relapse.

Me and my beautiful sister on the day of her wedding, during an MS relapse.

My sisters were always thin, while I, on the other hand, was the “husky” one. Their shoulders and backs are narrow, while mine are broader than many men I know. They have tiny fingers and wrists, and I can’t even manage to get a regular sized bangle bracelet on my gigantic wrists. The contrast between us is so great in so many ways that as a family we often joked that I must have been a product of the mailman. I might have actually believed it if I didn’t look just like my dad!

I was always an active kid, and an athletic one. I was a tomboy in every sense of the word. I truly was the son my dad never had! I wouldn’t change that part of my past at all. I would, however, skip the pieces that added up and eventually made me look at myself through society’s mirror instead of my own. There are specific moments that I remember as clearly as if they just happened yesterday. When I moved to NJ in 5th grade, I was teased relentlessly about my shape and size. When I was 14 years old, my gymnastics coach told me that I had to lose 25 pounds. I often overheard my parents justifying my “size” to others when they thought I was out of earshot. They’d say, “Rennie’s athletic” or “she’s solid”. I could continue to list moments just like these, but there is no point in rehashing the past because I have moved on from the negativity that comes along with it.

At my ideal size. I relapsed 2 months later, so it was short-lived.

At my ideal size. I relapsed 2 months later, so it was short-lived.

As an adult, this battle is very real for me. Here’s how things go for me at this point in my life: I work my butt off to finally get to where I want to be (size-wise) just in time to have an MS relapse. When a bad exacerbation occurs, the treatment is intravenous steroids followed by a course of oral steroids as a taper. The result is usually an improvement in symptoms but at the cost of 20-30 pounds. It’s an endless, frustrating cycle that could really mess with my psyche if I let it.

Thanks to MS though, my perspective at this age is completely different. Now instead of focusing on what I am not, I focus on what I am. I am working hard to be strong, not to be skinny. I am working hard so that even if my MS is progressing, I am doing what it is in my control to delay further debilitation. I am working hard to accept my size (big or small) because I no longer let it define who I am. I spent far too much time and energy in my younger years agonizing over it, and now I wish I hadn’t. The truth is that it just doesn’t matter that much. I would rather spend my time working towards good health than torturing myself about the number on the scale. I pride myself on being fit (a relative term considering that I have many limitations) and healthy. I challenge myself with exercise, and I am extremely careful with my diet. I do it all because of how it makes me feel, not because of how it makes me look (looking better is just a happy side effect!). I wish I could go back to my younger self and teach her to look at things the way I do now. Of course MS brought me to this place (which sucks) but it taught me a lesson that I never would have learned otherwise (which is awesome!).

Me and my girls now… on my way down again. My body might change in size, but my smile is always the same!

Holiday Madness

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For most people, the holiday season brings an onslaught of joy and excitement, more than any other time of the year. The malls and stores are alive with crowds of shoppers, all looking to take advantage of the best bargains. Little ones start writing their letters to Santa or lists of things they hope they’ll get this year. Families start preparing the holiday menus and guest lists in anticipation of the gatherings soon to come. It is a magical time of the year, and just like many others, I used to get wrapped up in the madness, too.

This is how the Rankins roll during the holiday season!

This is how the Rankins roll during the holiday season!

But that was in my past life. Although I absolutely love the spirit of the season, I do not experience the same joy as I used to. When I was younger (and healthier), I thought I was able to fully relish in all the precious moments as they happened. But these days, Multiple Sclerosis (my not-so-welcome silent partner) turns all the things I used to adore into plain old stress. How so? Stay tuned as I try to explain…

Once upon a time, I used to start my holiday shopping in August and September. I’d pick gifts up here and there as I saw things that I knew my family and friends would appreciate. I’d meander through the mall, or browse little shops looking for the perfect presents for everyone. I must admit that I never shopped in December, mostly because (prior to my second career as a teacher) I was a retail manager, and once December hit, I’d be working 80 hours a week. These days, I never browse in a store. I can’t. My legs start to tremble and ache after only a short amount of time. I don’t do well in crowds or tight spaces because my balance, which is already horrible, becomes much, much worse. I am incredibly unsteady on my feet and can be knocked over just by having people walk around or near me. I never know when a wave of fatigue will wrap itself around me leaving me unable to move. If I survive all that, then there is the issue of walking back to my car and getting myself home. There is nothing pleasurable about this experience!

Marty thinks he was the best holiday gift we ever got, even though we brought him home in July!

Marty thinks he was the best holiday gift we ever got, even though we brought him home in July!

As much as I adore spending time with my loved ones during the holiday season, it isn’t the same as it used to be. Now I have to pick and choose the events that I can attend, because I just can’t do it all. Consequently, I have to deal with the reactions of friends and family who notice that I am “conspicuously absent”, and assume that I am gladly so. In all actuality I’d much rather be spending that time with everyone than the alternative, which is me unable to move a muscle because of the crippling effects of MS. At times I can “power through”, but with so much activity during this busy time, the effects are cumulative and my body can only tolerate so much. This can be difficult for others to understand. Many say they get it until I am “conspicuously absent” from one of their events! But the truth of the matter is that I no longer feel the need to justify my absences to anyone. It’s quite liberating.

This was my tunnel vision view for all the years I was working. Notice the clock reads 6. AM? PM? Either way, it only solidifies my point.

This was my tunnel vision view for all the years I was working. Notice the clock reads 6. AM? PM? Either way, it only solidifies my point.

So what does this mean for me, and my life with MS? It’s a lesson I have learned the hard way, and we can all benefit from what I’ve learned. This theme is present in almost every one of my blog entries, if not all of them. There is nothing more precious to me than time spent with the ones I love. It has taken me a lot to get to this point, but I fully enjoy the moments that I spend with them. Of course I wish I were still in my element, in my little nook in room B110 at Freehold High School. I’ll miss it forever. But the perspective I’ve gained since leaving my job is worth so much more now because I can see beyond my classroom to what is really important. So put the thoughts of work aside, turn off those smartphones, and focus on the here and now. Ever since I learned to do this, the special moments in my life have been much sweeter. Instead of just going through the motions, I’m actually living my life the way we are intended to. My smiles are wider, my laughter is more genuine, my heart is full, and my tears are fewer. It’s a hard-learned lesson that I never could have learned sooner than I did, but it has completely changed my life.

The Wonder of Social Media

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It’s funny how all of a sudden I feel like I’m really old! I had a rather amusing texting conversation with my sister about it the other day. We started off comparing our “covering the gray” routines, and the conversation ramped up from there. I told her that when she turned 33 (I was 28 and ¾!) I thought she was so old. I don’t know why that particular year stands out for me, but it does. Now it’s almost 10 years later, and, as I told my sister, sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize the person who is looking back at me. I question who that old lady is with the wrinkles and the droopy eyelids! Of course, I recognize that 42 is young in the scope of a lifetime. All I’m saying is that it’s pretty strange how all of a sudden I am noticing the (not so subtle) signs of aging.

Me and my sister enjoying time at our favorite tapas restaurant.

Me and my sister enjoying time at our favorite tapas restaurant.

Perhaps one of the reasons why I am so acutely aware of the process of growing older is the blessing (and curse) of social media. On the one hand, I have been able to connect with friends near and far, new and old, from the furthest corners of my past. It still never ceases to amaze me how many friends I am in contact with now, as opposed to just a few short years ago. Obviously I realize that my 400 Facebook friends are not real friends, but staying in close communication with my real friends, who happen to be scattered everywhere, is something that I will never take for granted. On the other hand, the more former students become Facebook friends, the more I reminded of the passage of time as they graduate college, get jobs, get married, and have families of their own. I feel so fortunate to live in a day and age where I can watch as they spread their wings. It’s one of my greatest joys.

Me with Becky (left) and Brenda (right).

Me with Becky (left) and Brenda (right).

Re-connecting with friends from the past is something that, not long ago, was only accomplished through “snail mail”. Then along came the great and mighty Facebook, and instantly these blasts from the past became fixtures in my every day life. Social networking has enabled me (and all of us probably) to accomplish two very important things. First, I have re-connected with dear friends who were instrumental in helping me become the person I am today. But something I never expected is that I have discovered some friends who were only casual acquaintances before, and now as adults our values and beliefs are so much the same, that we have forged very different, yet equally meaningful bonds. It’s pretty powerful stuff.

Brenda and me in June of 1990, our senior year in high school.

Brenda and me in June of 1990, our senior year in high school.

 

Becky and me at 8th grade graduation, June 1986.

Becky and me at 8th grade graduation, June 1986.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of catching up with two friends who I first met in seventh grade. In fact, these girls saved me from what had been, up until then, a miserable experience having moved to NJ just a year or two earlier. Let’s just say that I didn’t exactly fit in, and I was publicly reminded of it on a daily basis. Brenda and I graduated from high school together, but Becky moved away after our freshman year. Neither Brenda nor I had seen Becky in (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) 27 years! Yikes! In any case, despite the years we were not in contact, and despite the fact that we were out of each others’ lives longer than we were in each others’ lives, we easily fell into sync as if no time had passed since we saw each other last. The years we missed don’t matter anymore because we have each other now. We obviously did a lot of reminiscing, but we also did a fair amount of catching up on our lives in the here and now. I left with a smile on my face and joy in my heart! It was an incredibly uplifting experience to spend several hours with these ladies, both of whom played very essential roles in the story of my life. I am eternally grateful to Facebook, to my past, and to the universe, for bringing such extraordinary women into my life not once, but twice. I saw them days ago, and my heart is still smiling. Isn’t that what life is really all about?

One last selfie! I love these girls so much!

One last selfie! I love these girls so much!

Transcendental Meditation

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Some years ago, Bruce and I began talking about Transcendental Meditation, or TM. His dad learned the TM method when he was younger, and we were well aware of the many famous people who say that TM has changed their lives. We had done our research and we learned of the many benefits of TM: reduced stress, normalized blood pressure, reduced anxiety and depression, and improved brain function, not to mention inner peace. After deliberating for years, we finally decided to do it, and we have been happily meditating for about 6 months now.

I love this Venn Diagram that was posted on the official TM FaceBook page.

I love this Venn Diagram that was posted on the official TM FaceBook page.

My first impressions of the TM Center were 1) everyone was very mellow, and 2) it was really, REALLY hot in there! Yup, I was that person at the informational session who raised her hand and asked if there is air conditioning in the building. They agreed to put it on at 78 degrees (I keep mine on 65, but I can’t always have it my way!). The space is dimly lit, smells like sandalwood, and is decorated with photos and quotes from the Maharishi. The information we were given on that first night was vague, and purposely so. It left us wanting to know more! When we went home that night, we were very excited to move forward with learning TM, and we couldn’t wait to see some results. The video clip below is one that we watched at the TM Center, and it’s a pretty amazing story of an urban school that incorporates TM as part of the instructional day.

On the day of our first lesson, we showed up at the TM Center with our required flowers, sweet fruit, and clean white hankies that were a necessary part of the ritual. Bruce went with the male instructor, and I went with the female instructor. It seemed odd to me that students of TM are supposed to be taught by an instructor of the same gender. As I was learning how to meditate in one room, Bruce was learning the same in another room. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was keeping an open mind and really feeling the benefit the same as I was.

This is a picture depicting the first day of TM. It's not mine, but I found it on Flickr.

This is a picture depicting the first day of TM. It’s not mine, but I found it on Flickr.

When I finally saw Bruce again after we had been separated for what felt like forever, he seemed calmer and more relaxed than he had in ages. I didn’t even have to ask him how it went because it was written all over his face. His shoulders were not up by his ears anymore, and there was a visible difference in his appearance. I thought that I must have been imagining it. How could this be possible from ONE session? TM is something that has cumulative benefits, and the more regularly you practice it, the more you get out of it. In the last 6 months I have been much more dedicated to meditating than Bruce has been, but I have had weeks where I fell off. The good thing is that once I get back to the routine of it, I easily fall into that beautiful place that waits for me when I meditate.

So let me tell you what it feels like when I meditate. I enter a magnificent space that only exists in my mind, and I am weightless. I see vibrant colors behind my eyes, but there are no real thoughts. I feel my limbs get heavy and I just enjoy the feeling of pure relaxation. TM is easy. It just happens. Stress simply melts away, and afterwards I feel totally refreshed and revitalized. I notice that even though my sleep patterns are never great (Thank you, MS!), when I am meditating regularly I sleep more deeply than when I’m not. The 20 minutes (twice a day) that I spend meditating result in lasting effects of inner peace, less stress, and truly restful sleep.

This graphic from the TM website is a pretty good explanation of how TM works.

This graphic from the TM website is a pretty good explanation of how TM works.

The great thing about TM is that it can be done anywhere. You don’t need anything special to practice it. It’s silent. I’ve done it on an airplane, in my car (Parked, of course!), and even in the waiting area at the hospital. Obviously these are not ideal locations, but I did it. My eyes were closed, so I didn’t even see (or care) if people were looking at me funny!

 

TM is a lifetime commitment to my own inner self, and one that I am happy to make. The benefits became clear to me early on. The method is effortless, but the results are astounding. When I look at it objectively, what I know is that meditating faithfully has made me a better person on many different levels, and I am extremely pleased that we finally took that leap when we did. I wish we had started sooner, but I am a firm believer in the expression “better late than never.” If you want to address issues such as stress, anxiety, depression, and/or panic attacks, TM is a great non-pharmaceutical approach to manage those conditions. I endorse it whole-heartedly. I say go for it! What’s the worst thing that could happen? You find inner peace?