Tag Archives: family

Note to Self

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This week, I  write a letter to my younger self about being diagnosed with (and living with) Multiple Sclerosis. I speak to the me that was in college, feeling awkward because for some reason, unbeknownst to me at the time, I found myself unable to keep up with the partying and social aspects that kids that age generally count on as part of the whole college experience. Without further ado, here goes!

Life is not easy. Sometimes we are thrown curve balls. Sometimes we hit them out of the park, and other times we miss entirely. I could tell you that it’s great being an adult with the freedom to make your own choices, eat ice cream for dinner, and stay up all night partying. But the truth of the matter is that choices have consequences that you’ll have to deal with somehow. I could tell you that it’s normal to burn out on the social scene in college, even if your friends are still going strong. I could tell you that the incredible, overwhelming fatigue is normal, along with the extreme clumsiness and weird visual disturbances that you write off so easily without giving it a second thought.  The truth of the matter is that you didn’t know any better, and why would you? No one at age 19 thinks that they will end up where I am now, at age 49, living with a chronic, incurable, and debilitating disease. No one at age 19 thinks that they will one day be a breast cancer survivor, and why would they? And certainly, no one at age 19 believes that her gene pool is so shallow that she would have to wade through the world of diabetes to boot. Somehow we all begin our adult lives wearing rose-colored glasses, impervious to how harsh reality can be. I wish we could all wear those glasses to shield us from the truths that exist in the real world, but at some point, you have to put on those big-girl panties and face the facts.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is that even though you might think that you are invincible, you are not. No human being is. You must listen to your body, and be proactive about caring for it, because it’s the only one you get. If something doesn’t seem right, trust your instincts and do not hesitate to seek medical care because with all serious illnesses, early treatment is key. The world of Multiple Sclerosis is a scary one, and knowledge is one of the only things that can help it feel less intimidating. The truth is that in that world you will find a support system of friends who you consider family, only better, for the simple fact that they understand everything that you deal with on a daily basis. The most important thing you can do for yourself is surround yourself with people who exude positivity, happiness, peace, and light. Your MS will thank you because stress and negativity of any sort will manifest physically causing your MS symptoms to flare. Plus it’s so much nicer to be around people who are content rather than a whole bunch of “negative Nellies”. You are strong, but you are allowed to have moments of weakness, and it is at those moments when you can lean on the support system you have built. No one can be strong 100% of the time, and it doesn’t make you weak to express frustration, sadness, anger, or fear when you feel the need. You are, after all, only human. Just remember that those emotions are not productive and if you dwell on them, you will never be truly happy. Happiness comes from gratitude for all that you have and all that you are, and recognizing (and acknowledging) those pieces of you will always propel you forward.

My beautiful MS sisters, who came into my life exactly when I needed them most and they have not left my side since.

So live fully, despite your limitations. Live happily, despite your fear. Smile from your soul, because you are an innately optimistic person. Love with your entire being, and don’t waste your energy on those who don’t reciprocate that love. Be true to who you are, and be comfortable in knowing that you are enough. Most importantly, remember that there are no guarantees in life, and it doesn’t always follow your plans, so roll with the punches and make the best of every single day because life is fleeting… but also beautiful. As long as you are fully present you will never have any regrets. Trust me. I know these things. I have lived them. It has taken me time and reflection, plus a lot of work on myself to achieve acceptance and understanding. I did it for both of us, because we deserve nothing less.

Heat Intolerance

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Now that summer is upon us, I am already mindful of the blistering heat and humidity that are par for the course living in NJ. I definitely love the summer vibe that is palpable everywhere you go, as winter coats are traded in for tank tops and Uggs go back in the closet in favor of flip flops. While I can appreciate the sentiment, summers are not easy for me due to heat intolerance caused by Multiple Sclerosis.

The sun, while beautiful, could quite literally be the death of me.

This year I am particularly anxious about it. Since my vaccination status is null due to the Disease Modifying Theraoy I am on for MS, I am supposed to be acting as if I am not vaccinated, which means no indoor dining. While summer is the time that I normally catch up with teacher friends and former students, we are relegated to outdoor visits only, which can’t happen during the sweltering weather here in NJ. So this year, I am taking the whole heat intolerance thing a lot harder than I normally do, because I am feeling isolated yet again. And to make matters worse, I haven’t exactly been able to figure out why the heat and humidity can wreak such havoc on my body, even when I am confined to the meat locker conditions that keep our air conditioning pumping all summer to maintain a blustery 64 degrees inside our home. But it does.


I spend the vast majority of my time during the summer inside anywhere that it is climate-controlled, preferably where I have control of the thermostat. While I am grateful to live in a country where air conditioning is available and with a husband who appreciates the cold air, too. This really is a necessity for me, and many other MS patients, who are deeply affected by extreme temperatures at either end of the thermometer. I wish it was simply a matter of heat making me feel uncomfortable. Or me disliking being hot. However, when I overheat, it is much more serious than that. My body begins to buzz and vibrate everywhere, from the inside. All of my symptoms are magnified, which means my tremors are exaggerated (even in my voice and my eyes), I tingle from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, and most importantly, I suffer from  what is called Uhthoff’s Phenomenon, which occurs due to optic nerve damage. This is by far the scariest of my heat-induced symptoms because it causes my vision to get blurry, distorted, lose borders, or go away entirely. (Just a side-note that this can also happen when exercising, which is always a balancing act walking that very fine line between working hard, and over-working.). So naturally, I do everything within my power to avoid all of it by staying cool. In summer months, a look inside my bag will reveal snap and break ice packs, a mister, a hat to keep the sun off my face, and a good old fashioned folding fan.

Summer beach house with the family… private beach entrance means I can come in and out of the heat as needed.

When I was still working, I jumped through unbelievable hoops to have air conditioning installed in my classroom, which was a process that did not happen quickly or easily. The principal of my building at the time was not happy about my request, and she even told me that people who had made such requests in the past were told to get a job elsewhere. I didn’t. Because the Americans with Disabilities Act requires employers to make reasonable accommodations such as this one. It was a simple solution to maintain my ability to continue to do my job, and everyone acted like it was a gift. I often had co-workers tell me “it must be nice to have AC in your classroom”, to which I always responded I’d trade the air conditioning in a second for a healthy immune system. I would have preferred to be healthy and hot than to require this accommodation in order to perform my job.

While air conditioning is my savior during the oppressive heat and humidity, I do experience “cabin fever” as the lazy days of summer lead to autumn. I am especially worried about it this year because I have been isolating so much, and missing seeing some of my favorite people. I am just hoping that somehow we get a more temperate summer so that I can enjoy some time outdoors (with or without loved ones),  soaking up some Vitamin D, without fear of losing my vision due to overheating. Thinking back to past summers and how antsy I get by being constantly held hostage by my need to stay cool, makes thinking about this one incredibly intimidating.

I dream about the days before MS limited my time at a place I love so much.

In the long run, I always do what I have to do because I have been doing it so long that it’s all I know. The point of this whole entry is that heat intolerance is real, and many MS patients suffer from it because we can not thermoregulate like others do. In other words, our inner thermostats are broken. Just a few years back, we lost one of our own because before she realized how overheated she was, she had become paralyzed and could not even speak. She was rushed to the hospital but because she could not thermoregulate, her core temperature had risen to 107 degrees, and despite being packed in ice, she did not make it.

If you are heat intolerant, please be prepared, and educate those around you so that they can help you if need be. No one wants to see another warrior succumb so tragically and unnecessarily. Even though I have been aware of my heat intolerance for many years now, it took me  a long time to realize just how serious it can be. Now, there’s no way I could ever forget.

(RIP, Sarah.)

Vacation

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Before I even begin to talk about our annual family vacation, I need to preface it all by saying that I have basically been a shut-in since March. The only places I have been is to doctor appointments, and I didn’t even start that until June. At that time I decided it was important for my mental health, as well as my poor husband’s, to expand our bubble to include our Rankin family. We have all been exceptionally careful, with only one person from each of our households going to the store, and none of us have seen other people until recently. My five year-old nephew has had socially distanced play dates with his friends and I trust my bro and sis-in-law implicitly. We all hunkered down leading to our beach vacation so that we could all feel comfortable sharing somewhat close quarters together.

Best quaranteam ever!!

That being said, we congregated at the little beach house, with the deck that overlooks the beautiful ocean, and our own private beach entrance to boot. This year, vacation took on a whole new meaning for us, and instead of going out to the arcade and the rides, we opted for family time instead.

This is the view from the deck overlooking the private beach entrance.

Last year we went out for meals, walks, and anything else we felt like doing. This year, we happily got take out, cooked together, and spent hours (some of us more than others) on the beach. We jumped waves until our fingers were wrinkled like prunes and my skinny little nephew started shivering. We sat on the beach while he played in the sand or made friends with other kids, which he does everywhere he goes.

Taking a break from wave jumping so my nephew could warm up.

The beach was beautiful, and although masks were not worn, we found those around us to be respectful of space, and looking around you could see the clumps of people who were together in the same bubble nicely distanced from those around them.

It’s hard to see it here but people were very respectfully distanced.

Nighttime found us hanging out on the deck, watching movies, playing games, or back at the beach to fly a kite. Conversations, smiles, and laughter for days kept us happily occupied and grateful for our little family. All of this was especially special for me and Bruce, as the rest of our family live in the same town as each other so they get to spend time together way more frequently. While it hurts my heart some, I am glad that they do, because it has helped keep my nephew somewhat distracted from what his new normal has become.

Family game night: Jenga.

For me, this year’s vacation made me see that I need to open up my bubble a little more, and invite people I trust to enter. It’s important for my mental health, and quite honestly, for my sanity. The only reason I say this is because we just don’t get to see the family that much, and sometimes I find myself yearning for human interaction aside from Bruce. No offense meant towards my husband, of course, but when you are used to socializing regularly (at the yoga studio, with my MS family, and with my former students), you miss it.

One thing I know for sure is that I am now, and will forever be grateful for the love of my Rankin family. May we always love and enjoy each other as much (or more) than we do at this moment in time.

My small but mighty Rankin family.

Vacation

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Hello beautiful readers! I am on vacation with my family, but I will be back with fresh content on September 8! In the meantime, enjoy some beautiful pictures of the beach! Please, everyone… stay safe and wear a mask! “See” you in two weeks!

I got up for sunrise yoga but I was a hair too late!

Cotton Candy skies at sunset…

Family dinner!

Marty’s Place

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I was so honored to be the voice of the volunteers on this segment from our NY WABC affiliate.

Over three years ago, I began volunteering my time at Marty’s Place, a sanctuary for senior dogs. When I stopped working in 2014, I felt it was my duty to volunteer my time somewhere, because I wanted to give something back to the greater good while also instilling within me a sense of purpose. Before discovering Marty’s Place, I had been volunteering at the MS Center where I have been a patient for almost 17 years, at the request of the medical director there. While I enjoyed my time there (working the front desk, answering phones, confirming appointments, and trying to make the patients feel a little more comfortable), I felt undervalued and unappreciated, and without anyone even holding a conversation with me, suddenly I was “no longer needed”, after being begged for months to please volunteer there. As much as I was upset and surprised that the people who I have considered integral members of my care team didn’t even give me the courtesy of a conversation about my position there, I was equally as happy because that’s when I found out about Marty’s Place. It was the best thing that could have happened, because I would happily spend my time with dogs rather than MS patients (or people in general) any day of the week.

I used to call this guy a little Tootsie Roll because he was a chunk when he first arrived, but now thanks to a proper diet and exercise program, he is so slim!

Marty’s place is NOT your ordinary facility. It is NOT a shelter. It is a loving home for senior dogs (age seven and up) who have found themselves without their human family for a myriad of reasons. Some of their owners end up in long term care facilities where they can not take their animals with them. Some of their owners’ life circumstances change. And some of their owners pass away with no family able to take on the responsibility of a senior dog, many of whom require special attention. Even though these stories are heart-breaking, most of the dogs who find their way to the sanctuary settle in quite nicely.

These are the “twins”… not really twins but bonded sisters who are the absolute sweetest.

I drive a good 40 minutes each way to be there because I love it so much and as soon as I enter the driveway, my heart feels so much joy because I know what awaits when I enter the facility. Let me just tell you that there could be no better fit for me to volunteer my services. Think of an assisted living facility, but for dogs. It’s bright and clean, and each dog is loved and cared for according to his or her own needs. They even do aqua-therapy with some of the dogs in order to ease medical conditions that benefit from this kind of activity. This is not a shelter, it is a home. My job is to hang out with the “residents”, playing, belly-rubbing, loving, hugging, walking, and feeding them. At one point on my very first day there, as I was on the floor snuggling with three different dogs, I remember looking around and feeling overwhelmed by the goodness in it all. I told the other volunteer (as this place relies heavily on volunteers and there are two volunteers for every shift) that I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a day. I was surrounded by love and gratitude. When I leave after my shifts, I always find myself smiling uncontrollably, even if the walks are rainy, snow-filled, or brutally hot and sweaty, and I smile like that the entire car ride home.

This is the main entrance and behind those doors lies wagging tails, wet kisses, and so much love.

If you are a regular reader of the blog, you know that I am a firm believer in the universe and that things happen just as they are supposed to. I believe that I was meant not to volunteer my time at a medical office, scanning papers, answering phones, and talking to other MS patients, but that my compassion could be put to better use taking care of truly helpless beings who only want to love and be loved. The kicker is the name: Marty’s Place. Having had my own little Marty made me even more aware of the universal connection.

This girl right here, Abby the Labby, got adopted so quickly that I only spent one day with her! What a lucky family…

When COVID first hit us here in NJ, many of the dogs were quickly sent to foster homes, mostly with seasoned volunteers who know the quirks of each dog well, while the director of the sanctuary tried to figure out how they could sustain the same level of care that makes Marty’s Place so special. We were unable to volunteer until they reopened for us in June, with a reduction in the number of volunteers working. So instead of working with another volunteer, we are alone with the dogs, and we have limited contact with the very few employees unless we are walking the dogs, safely distanced, yet wearing masks for extra precaution. I can’t even tell you how I felt when I walked back through those doors, seeing my furry friends again, and even meeting some new ones. The economic situation has taken a toll on Marty’s Place, a non-profit that relies heavily on volunteers and donations, much of which comes from annual fundraisers that have proven to be successful but can’t happen with the proper precautions in place to keep everyone safe and healthy. It breaks my heart that a facility that does so much good for helpless, loving animals is struggling so hard to give these seniors everything they need and deserve as they live out their golden years. And even with limited shifts, and my inability to be with these “rescues who don’t live with me” as often as before, I make my time count and I do everything in my power to make these very special dogs feel loved more than ever before.

Beautiful Bella.

As much as I’d love to be able to put in more time than a few hours every week, I do know my physical limitations, so I know that I am doing as much as I can manage. Plus I’m pretty sure I have enough love to give these dogs to sustain them until the next week when I return. These animals are never nasty or demanding, they don’t get frustrated when things don’t go their way, and they greet everybody with a tail wag. I’d choose to spend most days with dogs over people anyway, and I won’t make any excuses about it. I have a sign in my house that says “Dogs Welcome, People Tolerated”, and a T-shirt (in three different colors) that says “Dogs (because people suck)”. Need I go on?

I wasn’t kidding!

PS. If you are able, please feel free to donate here: https://martysplace.org/donate (no amount is too small and every penny is appreciated and put to good use) or you can check out the Amazon wishlist here: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/YFNYQ96R4MCB/ref=cm_sw_su_w

I am also doing a personal fundraiser for Marty”s place until the end of August, so if you would like to sponsor me as I do Sun Salutations for Sanctuary Seniors, you can check it out here: https://runsignup.com/Yogaren

The Dash

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After my grandmother died in 1994, my grandfather and I would go to her grave together every year. It was one of our little rituals. I’d go pick him up, we’d go visit Grandma, and then he would buy me lunch at the diner (insert comment on stereotypical Jews here). Each year I watched him read from his Yiddish prayer book, ask her to pray for all of us, and sob on her headstone. And every single year, he would repeat this same request: when he died, he did not want the year of his death carved into his headstone. I can still hear him telling me, “No end date!”

Me and my Gramps. He was the apple of my eye and I loved him so very much.

I hadn’t really considered my grandfather’s reasoning until I was introduced to the poem “The Dash” by Linda Ellis (I really hope you read the poem above!). I finally understand now why my Gramps was so insistent on this tiny detail, which once upon a time seemed ridiculous to me.

So here I am almost eight years after his death, and at long last I recognize the lesson that my grandfather (even if inadvertently) taught me. What was most important to him was the life he lived, not the day he died. He did not want to anyone to focus on his death, but instead he wanted to be remembered for the person that he was.

I visit my grandfather every year on his birthday, and on the anniversary if his death. Notice how we honored his wishes by not putting that “end date” on his headstone.

Ever since I read that poem, I can’t stop thinking about how adamant he was about the “end date”. I also can’t stop thinking about my dash, but not in a morbid way. Quite the contrary, actually.

I have been reflecting on the many changes that have happened in my life since MS decided it was time for me to take disability retirement, and I feel so incredibly grateful. I never would have chosen to leave the classroom when I did if I had a choice, but I didn’t. As much as I miss my students (my children), I am secure in the fact that I taught them something, no matter how small, at some point in time. I would bet money that if they were talking about me after my passing, they would not be talking about the “end date”. They would be talking about the dash. On the other side of the coin, I find that I am a much more patient, loving, and attentive wife, sister, daughter, and friend since I stopped working. As much as I treasured every moment as a teacher, I was never really living my dash when I was working. I was the typical “live to work”, not “work to live” kind of girl. I never completely enjoyed anything because I was only ever able to focus on my job. It was always on my mind, because the job of a teacher is never done (shout out to my teacher peeps out there!). It is physical, emotional, stressful, demanding, and oftentimes, thankless. It’s no wonder that me, and my poor compromised immune system cracked under the pressure! Now that I am 100% focused on life outside of being a teacher, I am actually concentrating on my dash.

Teacherly duties: signing yearbooks at the end of the year!

I loved being a teacher. I hope I’ll always be remembered for it (in a good way!). But now I’m living for me and enjoying every moment that I don’t spend working….or agonizing over work. I haven’t taken the teaching part out of my dash, I’m just adding to it now! I’m so grateful that I have been given the opportunity to live my dash now, before it’s too late, because I am fearlessly working on this chapter of my story.

I have taken my teaching to a different classroom now… teaching yoga and loving every second of it. (Photo Credit: Jin at FotosForTheFuture)

 

 

Dear MS

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I’ve spewed evil thoughts about you through the years, I’ve cursed your existence, not just in my life, but in the lives of all those affected, and I’ve fantasized about a world (and my life) without you in it. And here I am, looking back at my life knowing what I know about you now, understanding that I have been spending time with you since 1992 even though my official diagnosis came in 2003. There are things I want you to know, so here is my letter to you. It’s not exactly a love letter, but at this point it isn’t full of hate either.

You came along at a point early in my marriage, when things weren’t so hot. Neither of us was certain that we would last and we had our fair share of marital problems. But through the onset of my symptoms (which were more pronounced than anything I had experienced before), and the endless testing and doctors’ appointments that led to my diagnosis, you made us stronger. You drew us closer to each other than ever before. You made us see what matters most in a relationship, and you helped us re-prioritize our values. For this, I am endlessly grateful because without Bruce, I am nothing, and without him, I would not have the strength to deal with your constant need for attention.

This is my husband, my partner in crime, my best friend, my soul mate, my care partner. Basically my everything.

With the exception of the one relationship that matters most, you changed all of the other ones that existed in my world at that time, and not in a good way. You made people look at me differently, question my reality, and walk out of my life because they didn’t know how to act around me. Sadly this behavior has not changed, and after every relapse my support circle gets smaller. But without you, I never would have found my MS family, or realized the strength of support my little circle offers me. Without you, I wouldn’t express my gratitude to them as often as I do because it’s so important that they know that I appreciate every aspect of who they are and what they offer me, especially when I need them most.

This is my amazing MS family, and I am forever grateful for all that they give me.

You took away my ability to do simple things because of neuropathy, heat intolerance, vertigo, “fumble fingers”, tremors, spasms, bladder issues,  daily pain as well as “painsomnia”, and the list goes on. You forced me out of a career I loved far before I was ready to give it up. But in exchange, you gave me the ability to listen to my body, learn my limitations, and focus solely on me and my health. It’s a gift I never take for granted, and one that has improved my life in huge, wonderful ways.

The dangers of cooking with MS neuropathy… not realizing you burned yourself until much later!

You made me learn everything I could about a disease I knew nothing about until I had to. You made a girl who struggled with science learn more than she cared to about the brain and central nervous system. But because I learned so much, I have been able to educate others, including my students when I was working, my colleagues, and ultimately hundreds of others as a patient advocate speaker. You, MS, gave me my voice and you made it more powerful than it ever was without you.

Here’s me, spreading awareness and speaking to the high rollers at a very exclusive wine-tasting fundraiser.

You put me through the endless cycle of weight loss and weight gain thanks to your relapses that require high dose IV steroids, causing me to balloon up, and then leaving me with the daunting task of getting back to my “normal”, when you take more and more of my function every time. And because of that, I learned how to meditate, do yoga, and workout with a trainer who is passionate about helping MS patients. I am not going to lie and say I have great body image, but I’m learning how to accept my reality and be proud of the small accomplishments regardless of how small they may seem to others. I have learned to change my mindset and I exercise to maintain my strength, not to be skinny. I understand that I am a work in progress, and I will be for the rest of my life.

You have not managed to break my spirit, take away my ability to love and be loved, or change who I am fundamentally: the glass half-full girl. You have not made me ask “why me?”, because I think “why not me?”. Your presence in my life has helped me see more clearly, laugh more freely, and love more deeply than I ever thought possible. While other patients might write you a letter full of anger, resentment, and spite, that’s not how I roll. This letter is one full of gratitude for all that I am and all that I have despite it all. I am now and will forever be thankful for these lessons I have learned, no matter how difficult the road to learning them has been. Some people live an entire lifetime without knowing what I know now, so how could I possibly be angry? Life is what we make of it, and no matter how hard the journey, if you stop to appreciate all that you have rather than dwell on what you don’t, then you can join me in a life that may not be what you had planned, but is still overwhelmingly beautiful.

Admiring the beauty all around me is something that has only happened in recent years, and by far it’s one of the greatest gifts MS has given me.

 

Reunited

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After a long (almost) four months having no real-life contact with anyone but each other, we finally were reunited with our Rankin family this past weekend. We are a small family that consists of me and Bruce, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my mother-in-law, and her guy. We decided having all been extremely careful during this time of quarantine that it was time that we could see each other in person… at long last.

My Rankin Family

As we were planning this get-together, we had discussed that we would try to stay outside, weather permitting. We even discussed whether there would be hugs or not, and we actually decided not yet.

I couldn’t resist the loving hugs from my Mama B!

In reality what happened was that as soon as we saw each other, we had to hug. I was practically in tears at the first hug I’ve had from anyone aside from Bruce in almost four months.  It was such a boost for all of us to see each other that we couldn’t NOT hug. Our bubbles are solid and we intend to keep it that way so that we don’t have to wait eons to be together again. And since it was brutally humid outside, we ended up sitting in the air conditioning more than we had originally anticipated. Plus, our outdoor time was cut short when a heavy rainstorm passed through and the skies opened up! But because we have all been so vigilant, still staying at home for the most part, we were 100% comfortable with it.

It does not get much better than this…

This was originally meant to be a celebration for my mother-in-law and my nephew, who share a birthday in March. We never thought that instead of celebrating two of the fam, there were actually five of us who spent our birthdays quarantined from each other. But we did not shift the celebration because my nephew is only five years old and it’s way more important to him than it is to the rest of us old folks! He even picked out all the decorations and party favors (so it’s no surprise that we had a Hot Wheels themed party), and he proudly decorated the table. He even assigned our seats so he could have us all in exactly the order he wanted!

My nephew proudly posing with the decor that he picked for the party.

These long four months have taught me a lot about love, gratitude, and patience. I know that distance never affects my capacity to love with my whole heart, because the FaceTime calls, and pictures sent between the family sustained me through some of the lonely times when we were even isolating in isolation (which I stopped after I went for my infusion because then Bruce wouldn’t feel responsible if I were to have contracted the virus). My gratitude for my partner in crime and the home we have made together, allowing us to be comfortable during these unprecedented times remains endless. And my gratitude for my small but mighty circle has never been deeper. Finally, never having been a patient person, but learning through yoga and meditation, waiting until the time was right made our little reunion a gazillion times sweeter.

My bro… I cant even tell you how many party hats snapped because they didn’t fit his head!

So with love in my heart, gratitude in my soul, and patience as my guide, my spirit has been renewed during these difficult times, and I’m actually feeling guardedly hopeful. If you’re stuck sucking on the lemons, which is easy to do during difficult times, just remind yourself how sweet the lemonade can be if you just look at things the right way.

This view simply can not be beat….

Wedding Interrupted

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April 17, 2020. It was the 20th anniversary of when Bruce and I first said our “I dos”, just the two of us, at an adorable little chapel in Las Vegas. It was also supposed to be the day when we finally had the wedding of our dreams surrounded by our loved ones. Postponing this day (after over three years of planning) certainly is not the hardest thing we have endured… I mean he’s been there through it all with me: MS, the broken back, breast cancer, diabetes. We were so looking forward to the celebration of love and life spent with the ones we hold most dear.

So in love with this guy….

We spent some time in the afternoon taking pictures for our re-save the date cards, which was pretty monumental because for the first time in 32 days I actually put on clothes other than yoga clothes, wore makeup, and looked somewhat human.

Probably two weeks prior, an incredibly special friend (shout out, Coll!) suggested we have a zoom toast to mark the day, we took it to heart. We set up the call, and the response blew me away.

Me and my girl Coll in what has always been the typical photo pose for us!

So many of our friends and family dialed in to the call to share a toast with us at 7 pm, which would have been the time that I walked down the aisle to re-commit myself to the love of my life.

If you’ve ever been on a zoom call you know it can be a little crazy, and we couldn’t even see everyone who was there because we were scrolling between multiple screens. I was overwhelmed by the love and support from everyone there and it definitely gave me a renewed sense of spirit that I desperately needed to make it through this period of isolation.

So many loved ones….

And even more….

This entry is simply one of gratitude and appreciation for all who joined us. We couldn’t acknowledge every single person there, but know that we saw you and we felt your presence, even though it was virtual.

The hard core participants who wanted to be the last ones on the call!

I have always believed in universal signs, and this was a big one. We are ready to celebrate in person when we get to the other side of this pandemic and return to some sense of normalcy.

I’ll be ready to collect all the hugs at our re-scheduled wedding, if not before. Never have I appreciated a group of people more than now, and I just wanted to say it publicly. If we learn nothing else from being isolated from each other, let it be to never take life and love for granted. I sure won’t.

Because air hugs just don’t cut it in my world.

PS. Get ready for an epic celebration next year at this time! Guaranteed.

Quarantined Birthday

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April is generally one of my favorite months of the year. It is full of happy celebrations, including my birthday, Bruce’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary. Plus winter makes her exit, and spring does it’s thing, beautifully decorating our world with the blossoming trees and flowers that lie dormant during the winter months.

This year everything is different as we find ourselves in the midst of a global pandemic and under a shelter-in-place mandate. My husband and I take this very seriously, as I am among the vulnerable, being immuno-suppressed due the treatment I take for Multiple Sclerosis as well as having the underlying condition of diabetes.

A FaceTime birthday celebration with my MS sisters.

We take it so seriously, in fact, that we are trying our best to social distance at home because when we need any supplies at home, he goes to the store while I remain at home. We don’t know who he could be exposed to while out so we sit at opposite ends of the couch and we are sharing our space very carefully. If he is exposed he would likely rebound rather easily while I could end up in the hospital fighting for my life.

Yoga and meditation have been my saving grace.

So I celebrated my 48th birthday feeling further isolated even in isolation. Bruce worked all day while I did yoga and meditated. I loved the birthday messages from near and far, and even had a few FaceTime birthday calls that definitely lifted my spirits. But still, although I am so very grateful for the technology that allows for virtual interaction, it could never be a replacement for the in-person, in real life, face-to-face hugs and celebrations that we all deserve to have on special occasions like our birthdays.

If you are a regular reader of the blog, you know that we had already postponed our wedding, which was to be on April 17th, and Bruce’s birthday will be celebrated in the same way as mine was.

My beloved Rankin Family singing happy birthday to me.

What’s most important is that we are safe and healthy regardless of the chaos happening in the world right now. I can only hope that this situation will make all of us just a bit more grateful for things like hugs, holding hands, and quality time spent with loved ones when things start to normalize. Those are the things I have missed the most.

So here’s the plan: let’s never take those things for granted ever! And everyone who has a birthday or any milestone event during this era of COVID-19 gets a do-over… a time to be together and appreciate those we hold dear, because there is nothing more important than that. Nothing.

I wore my birthday girl tiara all day (because I could) and I am so grateful to Bruce and the many others who tried to make my birthday as happy as possible during these chaotic times.

Be healthy. Be safe. Stay at home. Wash your hands. And know that we will get through this together, we just have to remain patient and vigilant.

PS. Check on your loved ones. Make sure they are ok. And stop hoarding toilet paper!