Tag Archives: love

Heat Intolerance

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Now that summer is upon us, I am already mindful of the blistering heat and humidity that are par for the course living in NJ. I definitely love the summer vibe that is palpable everywhere you go, as winter coats are traded in for tank tops and Uggs go back in the closet in favor of flip flops. While I can appreciate the sentiment, summers are not easy for me due to heat intolerance caused by Multiple Sclerosis.

The sun, while beautiful, could quite literally be the death of me.

This year I am particularly anxious about it. Since my vaccination status is null due to the Disease Modifying Theraoy I am on for MS, I am supposed to be acting as if I am not vaccinated, which means no indoor dining. While summer is the time that I normally catch up with teacher friends and former students, we are relegated to outdoor visits only, which can’t happen during the sweltering weather here in NJ. So this year, I am taking the whole heat intolerance thing a lot harder than I normally do, because I am feeling isolated yet again. And to make matters worse, I haven’t exactly been able to figure out why the heat and humidity can wreak such havoc on my body, even when I am confined to the meat locker conditions that keep our air conditioning pumping all summer to maintain a blustery 64 degrees inside our home. But it does.


I spend the vast majority of my time during the summer inside anywhere that it is climate-controlled, preferably where I have control of the thermostat. While I am grateful to live in a country where air conditioning is available and with a husband who appreciates the cold air, too. This really is a necessity for me, and many other MS patients, who are deeply affected by extreme temperatures at either end of the thermometer. I wish it was simply a matter of heat making me feel uncomfortable. Or me disliking being hot. However, when I overheat, it is much more serious than that. My body begins to buzz and vibrate everywhere, from the inside. All of my symptoms are magnified, which means my tremors are exaggerated (even in my voice and my eyes), I tingle from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, and most importantly, I suffer from  what is called Uhthoff’s Phenomenon, which occurs due to optic nerve damage. This is by far the scariest of my heat-induced symptoms because it causes my vision to get blurry, distorted, lose borders, or go away entirely. (Just a side-note that this can also happen when exercising, which is always a balancing act walking that very fine line between working hard, and over-working.). So naturally, I do everything within my power to avoid all of it by staying cool. In summer months, a look inside my bag will reveal snap and break ice packs, a mister, a hat to keep the sun off my face, and a good old fashioned folding fan.

Summer beach house with the family… private beach entrance means I can come in and out of the heat as needed.

When I was still working, I jumped through unbelievable hoops to have air conditioning installed in my classroom, which was a process that did not happen quickly or easily. The principal of my building at the time was not happy about my request, and she even told me that people who had made such requests in the past were told to get a job elsewhere. I didn’t. Because the Americans with Disabilities Act requires employers to make reasonable accommodations such as this one. It was a simple solution to maintain my ability to continue to do my job, and everyone acted like it was a gift. I often had co-workers tell me “it must be nice to have AC in your classroom”, to which I always responded I’d trade the air conditioning in a second for a healthy immune system. I would have preferred to be healthy and hot than to require this accommodation in order to perform my job.

While air conditioning is my savior during the oppressive heat and humidity, I do experience “cabin fever” as the lazy days of summer lead to autumn. I am especially worried about it this year because I have been isolating so much, and missing seeing some of my favorite people. I am just hoping that somehow we get a more temperate summer so that I can enjoy some time outdoors (with or without loved ones),  soaking up some Vitamin D, without fear of losing my vision due to overheating. Thinking back to past summers and how antsy I get by being constantly held hostage by my need to stay cool, makes thinking about this one incredibly intimidating.

I dream about the days before MS limited my time at a place I love so much.

In the long run, I always do what I have to do because I have been doing it so long that it’s all I know. The point of this whole entry is that heat intolerance is real, and many MS patients suffer from it because we can not thermoregulate like others do. In other words, our inner thermostats are broken. Just a few years back, we lost one of our own because before she realized how overheated she was, she had become paralyzed and could not even speak. She was rushed to the hospital but because she could not thermoregulate, her core temperature had risen to 107 degrees, and despite being packed in ice, she did not make it.

If you are heat intolerant, please be prepared, and educate those around you so that they can help you if need be. No one wants to see another warrior succumb so tragically and unnecessarily. Even though I have been aware of my heat intolerance for many years now, it took me  a long time to realize just how serious it can be. Now, there’s no way I could ever forget.

(RIP, Sarah.)

Diagnosiversary

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June 2 is a very special day for me. It’s a random day, and it probably means nothing to anyone but me (and possibly my husband). It’s an anniversary that does not celebrate a milestone or an accomplishment, but June 2, 2003 is a date that I will never forget. On that day, I was given a diagnosis that undoubtedly has changed the course of my life.

Every year on June 2, I am brought back to that day, now eighteen years ago. I relive the details of the day moment by moment. I remember what I ate for breakfast (oatmeal), and I remember what I was wearing (white and blue plaid capri pants, a blue button down shirt, and white and blue sneakers). I remember stopping at Dunkin Donuts for a large iced coffee (black) on the way to school. I remember the panic attacks. All. Day. Long. I remember that I had permission to leave after my last teaching period so that I could get to my appointment on time. I remember that my appointment was at 2:30, and I remember that Bruce took a half a day so that he could go with me.

So we got in the car, not talking to each other at all. On the way to the neurology appointment, we stopped at the radiology office to pick up a copy of the MRI results, just in case the doctor hadn’t yet received them. They kindly folded the paper and put it inside an envelope. In the elevator up to the doctor’s office, Bruce asked me if I was going to open the envelope. Without hesitation I said no way. I knew I wouldn’t understand what was written there, and why not just have these last moments together before the inevitable?

We sat in the doctor’s office, staring at each other, waiting for for him to deliver the news. We didn’t talk. I was too busy having one panic attack after another to even attempt a conversation. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally heard his footsteps approaching. We heard him pause outside the door, and we heard him pull my chart out of the bin outside the room. Then, to our complete and utter shock, we heard him let out a huge sigh, before knocking once and entering the room.

The doctor walked in, greeted us, and told us that I have Multiple Sclerosis. From that moment on, it was as if I was watching someone else’s life unfold. I only heard bits and pieces because my mind began racing. To be fair, I was not yet educated on MS, but at that moment, it felt like I was given a death sentence. We know now that MS is fatal in only the rarest, most severe of cases, yet there was a part of me that did, indeed, die that day. The road ahead of me required a complicated detour that I was not sure I could even navigate.

We left the doctor’s office in a total daze. Suddenly we were occupying space in a world that was completely different for us, yet for everyone else it was unchanged. In this drastically different world, what did we do? We went to Target. I guess we were searching for some sense of normalcy in this new, unknown world of ours. We sat in the car afterwards and called our families to share the news. It wasn’t exactly the kind of news I looked forward to delivering, but at least I finally had an answer. After months of appointments, X-rays, MRIs, blood work, evoked potentials, and cognitive and neurological tests, I was done. It’s not what I wanted nor what I expected, but it was something. The phone calls I made on June 2, 2003 were some of the most difficult conversations I have ever had in my entire life.

Following my diagnosis, Bruce and I holed up at home, and didn’t speak to many people other than each other. Some friends called to offer support, and others dropped off the face of the earth. All the relationships in my life were tested, and certainly the dynamic within them shifted. I learned a lot about my friends, and mourned the loss of many who did not know how to deal with my diagnosis. Sadly, this happens with every relapse, but 18 years later, my coping mechanism for that kind of loss has been fine-tuned, and I have built a support system that holds up.

These women right here, my MS sisters, have never left my side, and although our initial connection was that we all have MS, we could not be more in-tuned with each other if were sisters by blood.

On this day every year, I take inventory of my life since diagnosis. It has not been an easy journey, but it has been amazingly rewarding in so many ways. Since my diagnosis, I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be. Everyone has an inner strength, but not everyone realizes it because you don’t summon that strength until you need it. I have discovered my voice to educate and to raise awareness, and my passion for patient advocacy. These are integral parts of who I am, and without MS I don’t know who I’d be right now. One thing I know for sure is that on my diagnosiversary, I always give thanks to the powers that be for all of the parts of me that MS has made better, and for all the things I am still capable of doing despite the MonSter.

I. Am. Strong.

For 18 years I have acknowledged the importance of my diagnosiversary, and this year is no different. I’m still grateful for the many gifts I’ve been given, and even though my journey has not always been an easy one, I know that every bump in the road makes me a stronger, better version of myself. I don’t celebrate the anniversary that falls on this day. I celebrate all the things that I have managed to accomplish, all the things I can do, and all the things I am, MS and all.

I would be lost without this guy, my rock, who has been at my side every step of the way, regardless how rough the terrain has been. **photo credit: Idalia Photography**

Yoga Warrior

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In early March, I entered into a competition known as Yoga Warrior 2021, sponsored by Yoga Journal Magazine. I didn’t think I would make it that far in the competition for many reasons, not least of which is the size and shape of my body. But the winner would earn the title, a double page feature in Yoga Journal Magazine as well as $10k. From day one, I knew that if I would be lucky enough to win that the money would be directly donated to Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary, where I have been volunteering for the last 4 years.

This was part of my profile for the competition.

I also wanted to win because yoga can be very intimidating for bigger bodied people, because that is generally not how yogis are represented. For the longest time, I didn’t practice in a traditional studio because I was too scared to walk through the doors. I knew I wouldn’t see anyone who looked like me, and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up, so I practiced in the comfort of my trainer’s house, where I knew I was supported and never judged. (Below is a glance of Yoga Journal Magazine covers, none of which feature a yogi who looks like me!)

 

Additionally, I wanted to raise awareness of chronic illnesses and bring the conversations about them to the forefront. Ultimately I had the support of friends, former students, family, and perfect strangers who agreed with what I stand for. (Here is where I say thank you to all who supported me and who connected [or re-connected] with loved ones near and far, and I apologize for the daily text blast reminders to vote!).

I never expected that I would place 2nd in the quarter final round, after making it through five rounds of competition. I can’t be ashamed of placing there, as the quarter finals represented the top 1% of competitors worldwide. But in the back of my mind, unlike when I started the competition, I actually believed I had a chance at winning the whole thing, thanks to the encouragement of some of my favorite, most inspirational yogis (you know who you are!).

My final placement in the competition… if I could have made it just two more rounds…

I did a live video where I cried, not tears that I had been eliminated, but tears that there was a lot of un-yogi-like behavior among the people in my bracket, and also because I felt like I had lost this huge platform to show that anyone can do yoga, that chronic illnesses need to be discussed (and how yoga can help manage them), and the cash prize that would have been donated to Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary was seemingly stolen right out of my hands.

While the competition left a sour taste in my mouth, and I certainly won’t enter it ever again, I feel like I won. Those re-connections I talked about are real, and I treasure them. And I felt so loved and supported by my people. And I’m actually thankful for it because it had led me to bigger and better projects in the works!

This is just one example of the love I was shown… This was from a former student who is now a full-grown, married man in his 30’s, ut clearly still so dear to my heart.

I’m not sure if the competition had anything to do with it, but I was contacted by the Director of Communities of the amazing Lyfebulb. Me, being skeptical because I had a mailbox full of requests in my DMs everyday asking me to buy their “service” to get votes, I asked her what the catch was. Her response was simply “literally nothing”.

Fast forward to interviewing with her, and then interviewing with the FEMALE CEO and founder (hallelujah for girl power!), I am officially the newest ambassador, which means I can affect true change in the world of chronic illnesses and making that world more patient-centered. Holy cow! How perfectly aligned with my own personal mission!

And the title? Well screw the title. I have been living with the title of Warrior since long before I was practicing yoga. And a competition where votes can be purchased doesn’t necessarily make the winner a Warrior. Not winning the competition does not strip me of the title Warrior, which I wear proudly every damn day of my life, not just during a silly competition. The true rewards were really the connections re-established and the support of so many.

And as far as my dogs at Marty’s Place go, any opportunities with Lyfebulb that are paid ones, I have already established that those funds will be sent directly to the sanctuary. I know it’s not $10k but it’s what I can do with this present opportunity.

Marty’s Place will always have my heart and I will always do what I can for these special senior dogs.

And more is happening that I am not at liberty  to discuss just yet, but it is equally as exciting, and I’m pretty sure that putting myself out there for this competition made things happen.

It just goes to show that even when you don’t win, you really do. It’s just a shift in perspective and recalling your purpose to help you understand it. And it’s always in hindsight, because hindsight is always 20/20.

This is the true meaning of my blog… making lemons out of lemonade. I could have been sucking on those lemons when I was edged out of the competition. But instead, I am grateful for it because now my glass is overflowing with the sweetest lemonade I have ever tasted.

Cheers!

 

One Step Closer

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I know I’m not alone when I say that I have been deeply affected by the events of the last year. We were all ushered into stay-at-home orders and at that time so little was known about the Corona virus that we (by and large), as a collective whole, did what we had to do. We eagerly awaited news of when we could resume our “normal” lives. I don’t think any of us could have foreseen an entire year of our lives flying by with us still in the same position as when it all started, yet sadly, this is the case for so many.

I am not the most social person, but there are definitely moments I have missed beyond words. Time spent with my MS family, practicing yoga face to face with real people rather than computer screens, visits with my beloved former students, and hugs from family and friends, are just a few examples of what I long for.

I stumbled across this photo of me and one of my MS sisters, and was struck buy the joy on my face… and this was taken when we saw each other at least once a week or even more. God, I miss that.

Milestones have been missed by millions of people: birthdays, graduations, baby and bridal showers, and even weddings… I should know because my own wedding that has been planned since 2017 has been postponed twice now, with the safety of my family and friends at the forefront. By the time we celebrate (hopefully), this event will be five years in the making! If I wasn’t already married, I would have just gone and gotten married like Bruce and I did the first time. But this time it’s different. This is a celebration of life after a series of medical challenges that we have survived together and want to share that feeling with those we love, and so I will postpone it as many times as I have to, ensuring that we get the dream wedding we never had.

Once the vaccine started rolling out, I saw that it was going to be a battle just to get an appointment. As a person living with 3-4 “co-morbidities”, I became eligible in stage 1b of the vaccination plan here in NJ. At first I said I would never get the vaccine…. but after studying endlessly through trial data I found the safety profiles of both vaccines initially approved for emergency use authorization quite impressive, and efficacy even more so. And after hearing and seeing the horror stories of those who have had the virus, I came to the conclusion that I was WAY more scared of getting COVID than I was of getting the vaccine.

So I began to search and search and search for an appointment anywhere, and everywhere. Bruce’s company offered the vaccine to all their employees, and I was devastated that it was not extended to include spouses. He had to drive to Scranton, PA (over two hours driving) to get his, and it was well worth it.  I would have done the same.

Yup! We are both fully vaccinated!

Every site I went to said what time appointments would be opening up, and I had my three devices plus Bruce on his, just waiting. I would jump on and within 1 minute submit my info and was given a response that all the appointments were taken. I was devastated. No matter how hard I tried, this was the result. Finally, after spending an entire day all over the various websites I turned off all of my devices and threw my hands up thinking it just wasn’t going to happen for me, and I have already been at home this long, what’s a little longer?

This is the response I got within one minute of the site accepting appointments.

To my utter surprise and disbelief, I woke up the next morning with an email from a former colleague who had seen my frustration (I posted about it), and who knows about my medical history. I’ll still never forget her kindness because somehow, after I turned off all of my devices, she got through at one in the morning and booked an appointment for me. I cried tears of happiness because I knew that this was the first step towards resuming some sense of normalcy during this very strange time in our history.

The morning of vaccine #1 and I was so incredibly excited!

So vaccine number one happened, despite a rocky start at the location as they struggled to find everything they needed while also dealing with a crowd of anxious patients waiting for their turn. People were not standing on their marks to remain distanced, and I kept telling them to back off or get back on their line. When I finally got called for my turn, they were so apologetic, and just as I told the irritated masses, I told them I was just grateful to be there and I would have waited as long as I had to. The first dose went without incident, except maybe a little sore arm. No big deal.

This was the line full of cranky people who couldn’t just be grateful.

I finally was beginning to reclaim some of my power because of knew I was on the path to ease my anxiety and newfound agoraphobia that had begun to creep into my life during the course of the last year.

Vaccine #1 as it happened!

My second dose went so much more smoothly, and clearly this vaccination site had ironed out the kinks in the four weeks between my doses. People on line were still complaining and not on their marks, but I just kept telling them to get back to their spots and that I was just grateful to be there. I thanked all the people who were working so hard to make this happen for everyone there, because they were taking so much heat from unpleasant people. Everyone is doing their best (with very little guidance) and they deserve kindness. This is the time to be kind, not angry, especially since they had appointments while many others have not had theirs.

Second dose done!

In any event, I had my second dose and by the first week in March I will reach full efficacy. I had no side effects (except a sore arm) and the whole experience was 100% worth it. I’m starting to reclaim my power and we even have planned a date for the first week in March to go to our favorite place and celebrate. Without fear.

The proof I will need going forward, and I am so grateful for it.

I understand that “normal” is still quite far from where we are today, but where we are today is very different than where we were a year ago. And being the glass half-full girl, I have to hope that a year from now, we will be even better yet.

It’s a personal decision for each of us whether or not to get vaccinated. I did what I know is right for me, given all of my medical challenges, and also for my mental state. I also feel a debt of gratitude towards the medical science that has allowed me to manage it all and maintain myself in the best health possible under the circumstances, and I feel the same way about the vaccines that are available now. I do believe they will be more accessible shortly, and that everyone who wants it will be able to get it.

I imagine that there was always trepidation where it comes to new treatments and vaccines, but where would we be if kids were still dying from Measles and Mumps. Or when people suffered so badly from Polio. I trust the science. Hell I even gave my body to science for two years as a human guinea pig in a clinical trial. Each of us has to do what we feel is right for our own bodies (and the greater good)… and as for me, I could not be more grateful to be one step closer to “normal “, whatever that looks like.

PS. Laura, I will never forget how you helped me. Thank you for being my angel!

Vacation

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Hello beautiful readers! I am on vacation with my family, but I will be back with fresh content on September 8! In the meantime, enjoy some beautiful pictures of the beach! Please, everyone… stay safe and wear a mask! “See” you in two weeks!

I got up for sunrise yoga but I was a hair too late!

Cotton Candy skies at sunset…

Family dinner!

Marty’s Place

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I was so honored to be the voice of the volunteers on this segment from our NY WABC affiliate.

Over three years ago, I began volunteering my time at Marty’s Place, a sanctuary for senior dogs. When I stopped working in 2014, I felt it was my duty to volunteer my time somewhere, because I wanted to give something back to the greater good while also instilling within me a sense of purpose. Before discovering Marty’s Place, I had been volunteering at the MS Center where I have been a patient for almost 17 years, at the request of the medical director there. While I enjoyed my time there (working the front desk, answering phones, confirming appointments, and trying to make the patients feel a little more comfortable), I felt undervalued and unappreciated, and without anyone even holding a conversation with me, suddenly I was “no longer needed”, after being begged for months to please volunteer there. As much as I was upset and surprised that the people who I have considered integral members of my care team didn’t even give me the courtesy of a conversation about my position there, I was equally as happy because that’s when I found out about Marty’s Place. It was the best thing that could have happened, because I would happily spend my time with dogs rather than MS patients (or people in general) any day of the week.

I used to call this guy a little Tootsie Roll because he was a chunk when he first arrived, but now thanks to a proper diet and exercise program, he is so slim!

Marty’s place is NOT your ordinary facility. It is NOT a shelter. It is a loving home for senior dogs (age seven and up) who have found themselves without their human family for a myriad of reasons. Some of their owners end up in long term care facilities where they can not take their animals with them. Some of their owners’ life circumstances change. And some of their owners pass away with no family able to take on the responsibility of a senior dog, many of whom require special attention. Even though these stories are heart-breaking, most of the dogs who find their way to the sanctuary settle in quite nicely.

These are the “twins”… not really twins but bonded sisters who are the absolute sweetest.

I drive a good 40 minutes each way to be there because I love it so much and as soon as I enter the driveway, my heart feels so much joy because I know what awaits when I enter the facility. Let me just tell you that there could be no better fit for me to volunteer my services. Think of an assisted living facility, but for dogs. It’s bright and clean, and each dog is loved and cared for according to his or her own needs. They even do aqua-therapy with some of the dogs in order to ease medical conditions that benefit from this kind of activity. This is not a shelter, it is a home. My job is to hang out with the “residents”, playing, belly-rubbing, loving, hugging, walking, and feeding them. At one point on my very first day there, as I was on the floor snuggling with three different dogs, I remember looking around and feeling overwhelmed by the goodness in it all. I told the other volunteer (as this place relies heavily on volunteers and there are two volunteers for every shift) that I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a day. I was surrounded by love and gratitude. When I leave after my shifts, I always find myself smiling uncontrollably, even if the walks are rainy, snow-filled, or brutally hot and sweaty, and I smile like that the entire car ride home.

This is the main entrance and behind those doors lies wagging tails, wet kisses, and so much love.

If you are a regular reader of the blog, you know that I am a firm believer in the universe and that things happen just as they are supposed to. I believe that I was meant not to volunteer my time at a medical office, scanning papers, answering phones, and talking to other MS patients, but that my compassion could be put to better use taking care of truly helpless beings who only want to love and be loved. The kicker is the name: Marty’s Place. Having had my own little Marty made me even more aware of the universal connection.

This girl right here, Abby the Labby, got adopted so quickly that I only spent one day with her! What a lucky family…

When COVID first hit us here in NJ, many of the dogs were quickly sent to foster homes, mostly with seasoned volunteers who know the quirks of each dog well, while the director of the sanctuary tried to figure out how they could sustain the same level of care that makes Marty’s Place so special. We were unable to volunteer until they reopened for us in June, with a reduction in the number of volunteers working. So instead of working with another volunteer, we are alone with the dogs, and we have limited contact with the very few employees unless we are walking the dogs, safely distanced, yet wearing masks for extra precaution. I can’t even tell you how I felt when I walked back through those doors, seeing my furry friends again, and even meeting some new ones. The economic situation has taken a toll on Marty’s Place, a non-profit that relies heavily on volunteers and donations, much of which comes from annual fundraisers that have proven to be successful but can’t happen with the proper precautions in place to keep everyone safe and healthy. It breaks my heart that a facility that does so much good for helpless, loving animals is struggling so hard to give these seniors everything they need and deserve as they live out their golden years. And even with limited shifts, and my inability to be with these “rescues who don’t live with me” as often as before, I make my time count and I do everything in my power to make these very special dogs feel loved more than ever before.

Beautiful Bella.

As much as I’d love to be able to put in more time than a few hours every week, I do know my physical limitations, so I know that I am doing as much as I can manage. Plus I’m pretty sure I have enough love to give these dogs to sustain them until the next week when I return. These animals are never nasty or demanding, they don’t get frustrated when things don’t go their way, and they greet everybody with a tail wag. I’d choose to spend most days with dogs over people anyway, and I won’t make any excuses about it. I have a sign in my house that says “Dogs Welcome, People Tolerated”, and a T-shirt (in three different colors) that says “Dogs (because people suck)”. Need I go on?

I wasn’t kidding!

PS. If you are able, please feel free to donate here: https://martysplace.org/donate (no amount is too small and every penny is appreciated and put to good use) or you can check out the Amazon wishlist here: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/YFNYQ96R4MCB/ref=cm_sw_su_w

I am also doing a personal fundraiser for Marty”s place until the end of August, so if you would like to sponsor me as I do Sun Salutations for Sanctuary Seniors, you can check it out here: https://runsignup.com/Yogaren

Reunited

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After a long (almost) four months having no real-life contact with anyone but each other, we finally were reunited with our Rankin family this past weekend. We are a small family that consists of me and Bruce, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my mother-in-law, and her guy. We decided having all been extremely careful during this time of quarantine that it was time that we could see each other in person… at long last.

My Rankin Family

As we were planning this get-together, we had discussed that we would try to stay outside, weather permitting. We even discussed whether there would be hugs or not, and we actually decided not yet.

I couldn’t resist the loving hugs from my Mama B!

In reality what happened was that as soon as we saw each other, we had to hug. I was practically in tears at the first hug I’ve had from anyone aside from Bruce in almost four months.  It was such a boost for all of us to see each other that we couldn’t NOT hug. Our bubbles are solid and we intend to keep it that way so that we don’t have to wait eons to be together again. And since it was brutally humid outside, we ended up sitting in the air conditioning more than we had originally anticipated. Plus, our outdoor time was cut short when a heavy rainstorm passed through and the skies opened up! But because we have all been so vigilant, still staying at home for the most part, we were 100% comfortable with it.

It does not get much better than this…

This was originally meant to be a celebration for my mother-in-law and my nephew, who share a birthday in March. We never thought that instead of celebrating two of the fam, there were actually five of us who spent our birthdays quarantined from each other. But we did not shift the celebration because my nephew is only five years old and it’s way more important to him than it is to the rest of us old folks! He even picked out all the decorations and party favors (so it’s no surprise that we had a Hot Wheels themed party), and he proudly decorated the table. He even assigned our seats so he could have us all in exactly the order he wanted!

My nephew proudly posing with the decor that he picked for the party.

These long four months have taught me a lot about love, gratitude, and patience. I know that distance never affects my capacity to love with my whole heart, because the FaceTime calls, and pictures sent between the family sustained me through some of the lonely times when we were even isolating in isolation (which I stopped after I went for my infusion because then Bruce wouldn’t feel responsible if I were to have contracted the virus). My gratitude for my partner in crime and the home we have made together, allowing us to be comfortable during these unprecedented times remains endless. And my gratitude for my small but mighty circle has never been deeper. Finally, never having been a patient person, but learning through yoga and meditation, waiting until the time was right made our little reunion a gazillion times sweeter.

My bro… I cant even tell you how many party hats snapped because they didn’t fit his head!

So with love in my heart, gratitude in my soul, and patience as my guide, my spirit has been renewed during these difficult times, and I’m actually feeling guardedly hopeful. If you’re stuck sucking on the lemons, which is easy to do during difficult times, just remind yourself how sweet the lemonade can be if you just look at things the right way.

This view simply can not be beat….

Progress

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Before I stopped working, I was such a different person. I was always on edge, despite my best efforts not to be, and I was constantly thinking about things that, in the long run, just aren’t that important. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, without paying attention to much aside from what I HAD to get done. I never thought about the things that are so important to me now: gratitude, awareness, and self-care. Such simple concepts, yet they are often overlooked by the average person.

Now I feel like I am a completely different person. I don’t remember what it’s like to not take my own needs into account because I am so much more aware of what I need to do for my body so that I can function as normally as I can. If something feels “off”, I recognize the feeling, and I do what I need to do in order to self-correct. Sometimes it means trying to rest more than I’d like, sometimes it means I need to stretch, and sometimes I need to just “power through”, trusting that I have learned to listen to my body and do what’s right. This has not been an easy lesson to learn, especially for a girl who spent her whole life as an athlete and also a perfectionist. MS and perfectionism do not go well together so in my old life I spent more time frustrated at myself when I shouldn’t have been. No one gives you a trophy for being perfect, and no one really is. Our flaws become a part of us, and certainly give us goals to work on in order to be better versions of ourselves. I can say with 100% confidence that I am far from perfect, but I am a better version of me than I ever have been, MS, breast cancer, diabetes, and all.

In my past life, I never would have taken the time to admire a beautiful view like this.

I also don’t allow myself to get caught up in simple irritants such as traffic or dumb drivers. Of course I am referring to non-pandemic times here! It’s just not worth the stress. If there’s traffic, I try to look at it as a way to catch up listening to my favorite podcasts, or simply take in the view as the seasons change from one to the next. Similarly, I find I’m more flexible where it comes to scheduling anything, because I am not working. I understand that people who have jobs deserve to have me work around them, just as I would have liked others to do for me while I was still working. It’s always appreciated by whoever is scheduling the appointments because they know that other clients/patients can only make certain time slots. Again, I am talking about the days before we were all at home and there were always appointments to get to. I’m always willing to reschedule for the benefit of someone else who needs it, and in a very small way that doesn’t affect me at all, I am paying it forward.

I’m not saying that without work I have no goals and no schedule. In fact, I thrive on a schedule just like most teachers. I went from something so rigid that I could only use the bathroom on scheduled time, to nothing. Keeping a schedule for myself helps me feel like a productive member of society, regardless of what that schedule entails… but now I have the option to not do everything I have planned if my body is not allowing it. And MS loves that I can use the bathroom whenever my bladder feels the need, because that hasn’t always been the case, and it was one of the most difficult things I dealt with while I was working. I try to stick to my goals and my schedule but I don’t beat myself up if things don’t get done exactly in the timeline I imagined. This is a big deal to a lifetime perfectionist, and I am pretty proud of the progress I have made, even if it took breast cancer to teach me this lesson.

Even in pandemic times, I make a schedule for myself every single week. It revolves around yoga classes but then I set aside the time to do other things too.

The last piece that has rounded out my post-teaching life is gratitude. I was so work-driven in my old life, and I always put myself last. When I thought about gratitude (which was not all that frequently), my thoughts included simple things like being grateful that my most “active” class (see that? I never thought about any class being the worst) was tolerable and didn’t leave me beaten down. Now, when I think about gratitude, it’s bigger and all encompassing. I start and end every single day by listing things for which I am grateful, and I also have daily affirmations that keep me focused on me and my progress. Now, my gratitude includes things like being thankful for this body of mine because no matter how damaged it is on the inside or what it looks like on the outside, it’s the only one I’ve got and it’s getting stronger every day.

No words needed.

The things I have written about are important to every single one of us, and I wish i knew just how much when I was living my past life. It’s so sad that it took an MS diagnosis and its progression to force me to change my life completely before I learned to put myself first. If I don’t take care of myself (physically, mentally, and spiritually), I am no good for anyone (or anything)  else. Ok… so maybe you don’t have MS or any chronic conditions that dictate your life. But I truly believe that committing to your own self-care can only make you a better version of yourself. I mean, clearly you are already awesome because you are reading my blog… but just think of how much more awesome you could be!

 

Holland

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These days, I’ve been thinking a lot about Holland. Not actually, but metaphorically. In brief (for those who don’t want to read about it from the link), Holland was not in my plans or on my radar at all. I was ready to head to Paris. I did all my research, and I was fully ready to embrace my home in France. I knew all the restaurants in the neighborhood I hand-picked, all the museums and festivals I would go to, and I even started to learn some of the language.

Sadly, after making the trip, I found myself not in Paris at all, but in Holland instead. I had no idea where anything was, where I would live, the different cultural events that would interest me, and I don’t speak a word of the language because I was prepared to be elsewhere. Not that I had an opinion on Holland, just that I hadn’t planned on being there, and I panicked.

This is a metaphor for what I thought my life was going to be versus what it turned out to be. I was happily living my life as a high school teacher, MS and all. I knew that it was getting increasingly harder for me each year to be the teacher that my kids deserved, but never did I imagine such an abrupt ending to what I can only refer to as my calling. I have no regrets for the way I did my job because I don’t know any other way to do it. I was ALL in. Always. All ways. Nothing came before my kids and my school… absolutely nothing: not my husband, not my family, not even my own well-being. It was my identity and I was proud of it. I could have changed my approach but I didn’t know how. Every June on the last day, I would tell my husband that I made it through another one but I wasn’t sure how many more I had in me. I spent 15 amazing years in Paris. I wasn’t ready to go when MS said it was time.

So my MS and I moved to Holland. I wasn’t happy to be in Holland at first. Everything seemed so strange to me. I went from having everything scheduled down to the exact time I could go to the bathroom, to no schedule whatsoever. I went from being surrounded by people and activity, to spending more time alone. I went from my identity as Mrs. Rankin, with a clear-cut purpose, to Rennie… no identity and no purpose.

Adjusting to Holland was not easy. But you know what? I began to work on myself, and I began putting myself first. I learned to make a schedule for myself because there wasn’t one for me. I learned to surround myself with the most amazing people who always lift me up and remind me that I am worthy of good things, especially while I was figuring out who I was without being a teacher. Most importantly, I found purpose. It really hasn’t changed, it just shifted to a different audience, even with a little overlap from my old life.

No words needed.

This wonderful metaphor that I learned from my therapist has helped me so much as I have built my new life from the bottom up. I have a renewed spirit, a fresh outlook, and so much gratitude for everything even though life did not go according to my plan… this includes shelter in place orders for public safety. Dealing with COVID_19 is just another area of Holland that I knew nothing about, but as I’ve been here self-quarantined for 50 days as of the publishing of this entry, I have learned a ton during this time.

These are some of my regulars who join me as I guide them through a chair yoga practice every single week.

I have learned that I have all that I need and more. I have learned that connecting with others, even virtually is vitally important for good mental health. I have learned that I can still fill my days with yoga and meditation like before, and even though I’m not in the studio, I am grateful for the technology that allows all of this. I have learned that some people follow the rules for the benefit of all (for instance, a former high school teacher with multiple underlying conditions for vulnerability), while there are others who think that rules and mandates issued by the government are “stupid”, or simply do not apply to them. I am grateful for those who are staying home so that the medical facilities can treat every patient properly. I am grateful for all the disconnected activities I take part in, allowing me to exercise my brain and keep it from running overtime. I am grateful for my partner in crime, Bruce, who continues to work 2.5 jobs for 20% less pay to support our family, and I’m grateful that he still has a job that he is able to work remotely even if we have less money coming in. I am grateful to be saving mileage on my car, as well as not spending money on gas… and other incidentals that happen while I am out and about. Like Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. I am grateful for my fur babies who offer love regardless of what’s happening outside. This has become especially important as we isolate in isolation, since when we need anything, Bruce goes out to get it, and we haven’t had a two week period without him having to go out. We are distancing because I am among the most vulnerable, and he says that he couldn’t forgive himself if he gave me the virus. I am grateful for every single front line worker, many of my former students included: doctors, nurses, paramedics, EMTs, CMAs, CNAs, orderlies, longshoremen, truckers, retail workers, the USPS… all those who risk their lives every day in order to protect the health and safety of each and every one of us. Their passion and bravery is not lost on me.

A former student, a friend, a source of pride: a flight paramedic risking his life every single day. Thank you, Brian. I love you.

As human beings, we need to roll with the punches, knowing that we are capable of changing and growing despite any obstacles we face. We are innately  resilient, even if we don’t realize it right away. When I first got to Holland, I did not think I would ever be happy here. But now, six years later, I can’t imagine myself anywhere else. But I learned to trust in the universe and in my own ability to adapt, which may have been the most empowering part of this whole journey. After all, we can’t rely on anyone for our happiness because then you’re always setting yourself up for disappointment. But believing in yourself is where all of the power comes from.

Before I get too far off track here, my point is that regardless of where you are, true happiness abounds as long as you are open to it. I didn’t expect to be in Holland, but I love it here. I am happier, healthier, and so much more grateful for everything than I ever was before. Now in the midst of this pandemic, I am increasingly more grateful for the little things in life, because that’s all I really need. And you know what? The lemonade here in Holland is incredible, and my glass remains half full, as always, and COVID_19 can’t change that.

A drive-by visit appropriately distanced) from my yoga sister lifted my spirits in huge ways…

Grateful

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During this time of pandemic, I have had to dig deep to find my gratitude, which generally is not how I roll. I spent some time reading through past blogs to find my center, and this entry seemed most appropriate to share this week. It is from two years ago, but the sentiment applies 100% to the current situation in NJ and beyond. As always I am thankful to former students, especially Dani, for inspiring so much of my writing. Enjoy this entry from June of 2018…

Life is hard and it always throws unexpected curve balls our way. One of my amazingly awesome former students has had a pretty rough couple of days, and she made a post on Facebook where she countered every negative thing that has happened with a reason why she was grateful as a consequence. My head was full of thoughts about her: how proud I am of her, how much I love how much she is like me, and again, more pride. She also got me thinking about my own life, and I can honestly say that there is never a time when I am not grateful.

This is Dani. She makes me so proud and I love the special relationship we still share years after she graduated from high school.

This past week was a frustrating one for me as well and so in the spirit of my Dani’s post, I will share very much in the same way she did. If you can’t find gratitude in each and every situation then I feel sad for you. For example, I participated in the Spartan race last week, and as a result found myself with 2 sprained ankles and couch-bound, which is NOT how I spend my time.  Instead of sulking about it, I found gratitude in the fact that I did something on my bucket list. My body may not serve me perfectly all the time, and it may not look exactly how I want it yet, but I am still grateful for all the things that it allows me to do despite 15 years with MS and a recent battle with breast cancer. I am grateful that I was able to raise awareness in this very unique way, and not just for myself but on behalf of the many, many MS patients that can’t.

I was banged up and disappointed in my performance, but I was so damn grateful for the amount of support I received from friends, former students, and family. It reminded me that my circle is small but mighty, and I felt so much love in every single text, phone call, Facebook post, and however else I was contacted. How could I possibly not feel gratitude with all that love and support surrounding me?

The thing about feeling grateful is that it’s not a forced emotion. It comes when you change the way you look at life. Usually you find it when you’ve been through things that make you see how lucky you are despite the obstacles that life throws your way. I can say that truly feeling grateful has changed my perspective on absolutely everything that I go through. I have always been the glass half-full girl, and when gratitude is added to the mix, appreciation for life and the lessons we learn along the way is taken to a whole new level.

Life isn’t easy, especially when you are first adulting, and that’s one of the reasons I am so proud of Dani. She can look beyond the icky stuff and see the beauty of each situation, and she can articulate it for others who have not yet developed the ability to really appreciate what they have rather than dwelling on what they don’t have. There are so many reasons why she’s my “twin minus twenty”, and her Facebook post reminded me of just this one. My career may have ended abruptly and not in the way I had always envisioned, but like Dani, I am able to extract the good and be grateful for it.

She is a true treasure and I am endlessly proud of her.

I hope this will be my legacy from my career as a teacher. If my former students don’t remember a single word of the textbook Spanish that I taught them, I’m ok with that. But if they remember how I looked at life, not letting the negative overpower my world and they emulate that as adults, then I have truly achieved success as a teacher… because let’s face it, knowing how to make that lemonade is way more important in the long run, and that’s what I want them all to remember. Thank you Dani, for validating my life’s work. Keep on being you, and the world is yours!