Monthly Archives: January 2018

Fall

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There are so many things that suck about MS, but the longer you live with it, the more they just become a part of your “normal”.  I could list them but I honestly don’t really think about them all that often because I’m just used to living life with MS.

This week I was reminded of something very important that I tend to forget simply because, well… I have MS. Also I can do so many things but when I don’t think about small, menial things while I am doing them, I am inevitably made aware in sometimes painful yet always embarrassing ways.

Here’s what I mean. During the course of a typical work week, I take four yoga classes, I have two private sessions with my trainer, I volunteer one shift at Marty’s Place Senior Dog Sanctuary, and I get acupuncture and chiropractic care. And that’s just a normal week with no doctor’s appointments or other essentials like hair color, reiki, etc. I’m pretty active… and I would even venture to say that I’m fairly fit. As a former teacher, schedules are a necessity for me, and this one keeps me busy, builds my strength and centers me, and feeds my soul.

One thing I might mention is that most of my limbs are neuropathic, which means I can’t feel them. So if I’m not looking at my feet, I don’t really know where they are, except by habit. So when I’m working out or doing yoga I am completely focused on what I’m doing because I have to be.

One would think that with all the things I am able to do in the gym or on the mat, simply walking would be a piece of cake. Not so much. This week, I ran a very rare errand which required me to go into an actual store. It happens so infrequently, and I only do it when I am feeling up to it and at times I know the store won’t be crowded.

As dog owners, we burn candles every single day because we are paranoid that our house might smell like dog if anyone comes over. Also, I’m a bit of a snob and I only use the Yankee Candle jars because they somehow seem the safest to me. So every few months I go to the outlet and stock up on our usual fragrances. I “run” (but not literally) in and out within 10 minutes and I’m done. This week I bought three full crates of candles and the woman working there said if I pulled my car up to the curb, they would bring the crates out to my car for me. Excellent!

So I headed for my car thinking how efficient I was, and before I knew it, I was on the ground. Serves me right for getting ahead of myself! I couldn’t even tell you how it happened. I can tell you that I fell fast and hard. I can tell you that there was a really nice woman who saw it happen and asked if I was ok. I got up quickly, made a mental note that nothing seemed broken or dislocated, and feeling more embarrassed than I can even begin to describe, I told her I was fine, that I have MS and that I fall all the time. She asked if I was sure I was ok and told me I took it like a champ. I think that’s an observation of how hard I fell plus a compliment that I popped up so quickly. It was really out of sheer embarrassment. If I was at home (where I normally fall) I might have hung out on the ground for a bit longer.

I finally got to my car, brought it to the curb, and the 2 ladies from the candle store started asking me if I was ok etc., etc., probably more concerned about a law suit than anything else, but still. They were sweet. As I answered that I was fine, that I have MS, and that I always fall, I was half a step shy (because I wasn’t looking at my feet) and almost… ALMOST went down again. Thank the universe that I managed to keep myself upright, with a huge stumble, but upright all the same.

Most people looking at me would never guess that I have issues such as neuropathy because my body has learned (somewhat) how to compensate when it can. When we are going to places that generate crowds, or where I want people to be aware of my weakness (such as NYC) I use a cane as a visible statement to others. But on a normal day, I don’t use a cane, and certainly not when I have just had a private session with my trainer! My first instinct when I fall (even at home) is always to jump up and look around to see if anyone saw. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed but old habits die hard, and in the world I grew up in, when anyone fell, it was followed by pointing and laughter, and often never-ending teasing. People always tend to be more sensitive if they see a cane or a walker, but I had neither. I’m so glad that there are some nice people out there, like the lady who said I took it like a champ, who didn’t make me feel embarrassed (I did that all on my own), but rather I felt that she was truly concerned.

Most people who don’t know me, might never even realize that I have MS. Hell, there are days that I don’t even think about the fact that I have it. But I do. Having MS means that I fall more often than your average person… and I have been that way since before I was even diagnosed. I remember the first time my husband witnessed me falling down the stairs, he came running to the bottom of the steps where he found me laughing. I have to laugh at myself because what I really need to do is take my sister’s advice. She tells me that I have to be careful when I am not standing on my head (see below).

2018

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As we approach the end of this first month of 2018, I am marveling (still) at what a difference one measly year can make. It seems like such a short amount of time, yet for me, this last year was one for the record books and even though I never wish days away, in the back of my mind it just couldn’t end soon enough.

So here we are in 2018, and my word for this year (more than any other) is gratitude. I can’t say it enough. Every single one of us, regardless of our situation, has the ability to find gratitude in our every day lives. I did it at my lowest points in 2017, and I am already doing it at my highest points in 2018.

I’m starting this year strong and healthy (relatively speaking, of course). Check-ups with my oncology team in the last few weeks have shown that I’m doing great. Plus a change in my MS treatment made me realize that I wasn’t really feeling my best on my last treatment but now I am feeling so much better than any time I can even remember. I have been able to keep social commitments (that I have shied away from in the past), and that alone makes me feel more like a human being and less like a patient.

I am forever indebted to this woman who gave me back my confidence when an MS relapse took it away. Her training extends far beyond the gym and I consider her my family.

So obviously at the top of my gratitude list each and every day are three things: my scholarship at the yoga studio, my amazing personal trainer, and the best care partner in the whole wide world. These things are more connected than it seems on the surface. Here’s how it works: my trainer, Diane, has brought me so far in my journey to becoming (and staying) strong. She also instilled in me a love of yoga, which brought me to participate in a yoga challenge that ultimately earned me that scholarship. And now, to connect it all together, Bruce (my other half) has started his own journey with Diane. He is motivated to stay strong so that he can take care of me in the future, although I’m still not sure it won’t be the other way around. Either way, both of us are working for longevity so that we can spend as many healthy years together as humanly possible… plus there’s the little motivation of our wedding that WILL be happening 2020, so that helps, too!

The 12 days of yoga challenge.

What I love the most about this current situation is how much we support each other through this journey. I mean, Bru has always been incredibly supportive, but now that he’s trying to live according to my lifestyle more, there is simply no comparison. He gets why I do what I do, and why it’s so important for me to do the “homework” I am given while fueling my body appropriately. While my lifestyle in itself is empowering because I am fully in control of that single aspect of my life (which is full of uncertainty and question marks), with Bruce living it with me, I feel exponentially more empowered when we are both working towards the same goal.

Keeping each other motivated, knowing that each of us is committed to the other and our future together is beyond priceless. It seems like the older I get, the more quickly time goes, and when I am feeling well, I wish I could slow the time down just to be able to give Bruce time with the closest thing to “pre-MS Rennie” as possible. We have traveled a long way together, and now I know that we are en route to continue together, committed and strong. While we might not ever look like Mr. and Mrs. Olympia, I can assure you that we will always work our hardest to remain healthy and strong so that we can spend our life together however we choose. Just another item for my gratitude list…

From Mentee to Bestie

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So not that long ago, one of my former students, now a college graduate wrote a blog entry about me , and now I feel it’s time for me to write about him. I even stole his title except instead of “mentee”, he wrote “mentor”.

On the day of his high school graduation… I was so proud.

I understand that I often talk about my former students on my blog, but sometimes I am just so proud of them, and they still play such an important role in my life that I can’t imagine myself being a complete person without them. They lift me up in ways no one else can, probably because I did consider them my kids when I was working, and now that I’m not, I have all these amazing young people in my life who I view almost as little siblings but way better. 

When I first met Josh, he was a withdrawn, shy, sometimes angry sophomore. Not only did I have him in my homeroom, which was five minutes a day, but I was also lucky enough to have him in one of my classes as well. We learned quickly that we shared a love of animals, we shared the same type of sarcastic, sometimes dry but biting humor, and we bonded every single day.

As a sophomore, with little support from administration, Josh fought to have himself de-classified. He had been classified with a “learning disability” in grammar school, and that classification followed him. When he realized that he did not require services and that he was not being challenged in his classes, he disputed the classification, and even though it’s very rare, he succeeded. Clearly, he was right that he needed no special education classification because after graduation he went on to Montclair State University, where he graduated in four years, with honors.

The biggest change I witnessed in Josh was when he was 17 years old, and he went from being a sadly closeted adolescent to an out and proud gay man. His whole demeanor changed, and suddenly he was more joyful, and full of confidence. I was so proud of him then (and still am) because we all know that the high school years are traumatizing for anyone, and even more so when dealing with the extra baggage that Josh had been carrying. Sadly, other teachers were not so respectful of Josh. One told him he better study so as not to end up back in the “retard classes” (not my words… ever). Another told him to work harder so he wouldn’t end up like his brother (who suffers from drug addiction). And yet another had the gall to make fun of the homosexual community in front of Josh’s entire class. It’s no wonder that he couldn’t wait to graduate and meet some more open-minded people. So off he went.

When he was in college, he would send me screen shots of his grades… Dean’s List. My heart soared with pride. He worked hard and was rewarded with stellar grades, good relationships with his professors, and friends who understood and accepted him. Whenever he was on break, we got together to catch up and it became clear that Josh was someone I truly enjoyed chatting with, and that he would be one of the ones who would forever have a very special place in my life (and my heart).

Now that Josh has graduated, he is going through the process of trying to get a “real” job, sending out a gazillion resumes hoping that just one person will take a chance on him. He is experiencing what happens so often: jobs want experienced staff but how do you get experience if no one gives you a job? He (like I did all those years ago when I graduated) is doing the retail thing in the interim, but not without questioning why the hell he worked so hard in college to be stuck in a small town (which he hopes to escape) working a retail job that anyone could do. I tell him when we get together (every week without fail) that it’s a rite of passage and that someone will take a chance on him and that he just needs to be patient. Easy for me to say, but patience does not come easy when you are in debt from your education and making drinks at Starbuck’s.

Josh has become such a staple in my life that he has even been to my home to watch some of our favorite shows together, and has met Bruce. Josh is motivated to do better and to be better than all the BS that surrounds us all. He is smart, well-spoken, intuitive, witty, and I adore everything about him. We share so much and I trust him implicitly (and vice versa). Every week I think to myself that this young man could not possibly be the child I once met. He has grown more than probably any other former student of mine, and I just couldn’t imagine my life without him. As much as I have been the “big sister”, Josh has stood by my side through MS, cancer, and everything in between, and I would not trade him for anything.

So if you are reading this and looking for someone awesomely spectacular for your company, Josh has a degree in Communication Studies (Public Relations), and I can promise that you will not be disappointed. 😉

Yoga

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I know that I have written about yoga before, but my practice has evolved so much in the two short years that it has been a constant in my life. In that time, I have gone from “tolerating” it to loving every single thing about it. The beauty of yoga is that they call it a practice for a reason, and on good days, I astound myself, while on others I try to figure out why the heck I can’t do what I just did the day before. Then I remember that I have Multiple Sclerosis and there is literally a disconnect between my body and my brain. But I never regret my practice because it is so much more than physical for me.

Downward facing dog.

When I get on my mat, I am truly in my space. It’s my time for me to be genuinely present with myself without feeling any pressures from the outside world. I love removing myself from the real world while I connect with my body and feel what I can do when I give my body permission to open up. The mind body connection is so powerful and it puts me in a very meditative state. Now I didn’t always love yoga, but once I found the right instructor, as well as the right mindset, everything changed for me.

Upward facing dog.

In December, a local yoga club ran a “12 Days of Yoga” challenge on Instagram. I was skeptical because in the scope of the world of yoga, I’m an average yogi at best. I work harder than most because MS makes me do that, but I’m ok with that. I don’t compare myself to anyone except me so I am happy with my progress. A friend of mine, who is a teacher that I used to work with, and has since become a yoga instructor (shout out Jess!) tagged me and told me that I should definitely participate in the challenge. I got all frustrated with the logistics: post a flyer indicating your participation, tagging the sponsors, etc., and I found it overwhelming. Then my beautiful friend, in true teacher fashion, messaged me and broke down exactly what to do… for those out there who know teaching terminology, this was true differentiated instruction for this girl (me), who really needed it.

Chaturanga. And Scarlet!

The challenge included a pre-set list of poses, and each day I was to post a picture of myself, with any variations or modifications necessary, and tag all the sponsors of the contest. I do yoga every day anyway, and thought it would be a great way to keep me on my mat and also give me the opportunity to win prizes. Truth be told, I never win anything, so that wasn’t really a motivation for me. I just wanted to prove that an MS patient need not be limited to chair yoga.

Crane (or crow) is a very difficult pose that I have been working on for a while. My modification here is one foot on the wall to help the balance.

I must have made my point because (amazingly) I won a beautiful new yoga mat… more specifically, an amazing Lululemon yoga mat. I was beyond grateful, and also incredibly surprised. The mat is so nice, and like I said, I generally never win anything, especially something so perfect for me and my lifestyle. As if that was not enough, I found out a few days later, that the yoga studio that sponsored the challenge has a foundation, and that they are giving me a year membership to the studio, paid for by the foundation. I was almost moved to tears. Yoga studios are expensive, and rightly so because of the personal attention that is given. It’s something I couldn’t afford without making major sacrifices financially. I have been known to do drop in yoga classes at random studios for $15 or $20 a session, but an actual membership is not something I ever imagined I could have. I couldn’t be more appreciative.

On the day that I picked up my brand new Lululemon mat.

I didn’t love yoga from day one, but once I found the right instructor, I got hooked, but I never thought it would change me so much. I am more in tuned with my body, and I’m aware of what it needs when I get on the mat. I am able to transcend anything that is happening in my life when I am focusing on my practice. I have learned to keep the positive energy flowing through my body, and to look at others with more compassion as a result. Most importantly, I have learned to challenge myself, without fear of failure. Yoga is a practice, and challenging myself in my practice only helps, even if I can’t do everything perfectly all the time. Like MS, every day is different on my mat, and that’s ok. If I never challenged myself, I might never have grown to love all the different aspects of yoga the way I do.

This one was a modification because I was supposed to do a handstand, but my recently dislocated finger was not ready to bear my weight that way yet.

This is all a metaphor for life itself, really. We never know what we are capable of (or consequently the rewards that await us) if we don’t challenge ourselves to do the thing(s) that feel(s) intimidating. There have been many challenges in my life, and the only ones I regret are the ones I didn’t accept. This yoga challenge was something I knew I could do, even if I had to modify a pose or two in order to participate, and I’m so glad I did. More than anything else I know that taking on a challenge is nothing to shy away from. In the worse case scenario, you learn a lesson to help you succeed at the next try, and that’s as valuable as anything. The next time you are faced with something you want to try but you are afraid, I dare you to try. You just might surprise yourself! Namaste.

For the plank day, I added some variations to challenge myself. See that? I challenged myself within the challenge. It’s how I roll.

Happy New Year!

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The end of 2017 had me taking inventory of everything that I went through along the way. New Year’s Eve always has me in a hopeful place, looking forward to a fresh start in a brand new year. But this year, I found myself especially excited because looking back on 2017 made me exhausted just thinking about the many, many obstacles I faced from day one. I realize that I gathered strength from every single challenge that the universe sent my way, and I faced each one the way I have learned to do having lived with MS for almost 15 years now.

When I break down each situation individually, maybe it doesn’t seem like I went through all that much… and let’s face it: people have been through way worse. But looking at the big picture made me realize how much I overcame, even if I did start complaining towards the end of the year. I complained, but I laughed my way through because it’s what I know, and if I didn’t laugh I probably would have cried. So I’m sharing a recap of 2017, knowing 2018 can only be better, and because it’s a reminder to be grateful for every single day you are given on this planet. And I believe even on the worst of days, beauty and happiness can be found, as long as you open up your eyes (and your heart) to seeing it.

2017 started out with a huge question mark for me, even more so than just living my life with MS. I knew I had breast cancer, but that’s all I knew. I had no idea what kind of treatment plan was in store for me, not to mention the number of doctor appointments, tests, and ultimately, waiting (the most torturous part) I would eventually have to endure. When you start off a new year in this way, it’s incredibly difficult to feel optimistic about what lies ahead or even to feel the usual excitement inside as you face a brand new year. I was stuck in limbo, questions and darkness circling around me constantly. I had no idea how to move forward when I had this gigantic somber truth to deal with. So I did what I always do, partially using advice given to me back when I ran that 5K: I simply put one foot in front of the other, and smiled my way through it. With Bruce’s hand in mine, we got to the other side stronger than ever.

Gnarly finger x-ray. Who knew how much you use one silly finger on your non-dominant hand??

I’m proud of how we handled my cancer situation because so frequently these things can drive a couple apart, but not us. One year later, I can confidently say that although I never thought it possible, our love and the strength of our relationship has grown exponentially since then. Unfortunately, cancer was not the only health concern we faced in 2017…. I also broke some toes, dislocated a finger, injured a hip with a slip on the ice, and closed the year with a lovely MS relapse along with a change in my Disease Modifying Treatment (DMT) that I had been on for over eight years. There were also some personal issues with some relationships in my life that hurt me almost as badly as all the physical trauma I suffered. At times I felt like staying in bed with the covers over my head for fear of anything else happening, and Bruce even jokingly wrapped me in bubble wrap at one point.

For real: wrapped in bubble wrap!

But everything I went through made me stronger, and reinforced for all who know me that this girl does NOT give up. It’s simply not an option. I have a natural instinct to persevere and a work ethic (thanks, Dad!) that is second to none. I’m not sure why the universe gave me all of these obstacles to overcome in 2017, but whatever the reason, it was my haul to carry. Luckily I have the best guy in the world at my side who never gives up on me, and my motivation still remains staying strong for him and for us. And I know for sure that I am starting 2018 stronger than ever (both physically and emotionally), and I can handle anything… ANYTHING the universe decides to throw my way because that was the overarching lesson I learned in 2017.

One of our NYE projects: a hand casting of Bruce’s hand in mine, because that’s how we survived 2017.

Today I am looking forward with hope and excitement, instead of fear and dread like last year at this time. Life is not always what we plan it to be, but as long as we acknowledge our gifts, like the qualities I inherited from my dad, my guy, who supports me no matter what, and the handful of dear friends and family who I can always count on, it can still be pretty sweet. I, for one, am psyched to see what 2018 has in store for me, since I know whatever it is, I am ready for it because of everything I have already been through. Considering the year I am coming off of, I’d like to think that I am due for a fantastic year, but I also understand that I am partially responsible for making that dream a reality. That being said, I can guarantee that I will be doing everything in my power to uphold my end of the bargain, and I know the universe will be on my side. So today I say goodbye to 2017 and welcome 2018… bring it on!

We are ready for you, 2018!