Monthly Archives: October 2018

Warrior

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The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word “warrior” as a person engaged in some struggle or conflict. I never really thought about this word much and although I have always known what it means, it didn’t become personal for me until June 2, 2003 when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Even then, it didn’t  become embedded in my vocabulary until I realized just how hard things are for an MS patient.

For a while, my life didn’t change much while the onset of my symptoms resolved and I went into a remission. That’s the thing about relapsing MS. Remissions lull you into a false sense of security. I was SURE that I was going to be the one to beat the odds and have what they call a clinically isolated incident, without ever having another relapse. After all, I was working full time (plus), putting in 13 hour days at work, hitting the gym 4-5 days a week, and doing everything as I always had. But alas, I did not beat the odds, no matter how strongly I felt I would.

But as the years have passed, things have changed for me.  I know that I am not the one to have beaten the odds, and that’s ok. Instead I found the strength I needed but had never called upon in the past. It’s amazing how strong you can be when it’s the only choice you have. Cliche, I know… but true indeed.

No words necessary

Warriors don’t just fight battles against others. The most difficult battles are the ones you fight against your own body. MS makes the most mundane of tasks overwhelming and it’s strange for some people to think about having to tap into your inner warrior just to take a shower and get ready to go somewhere. But it’s true. What seems simple to the vast majority is not so easy when you are battling against your own immune system  every single moment of every single day.

My opinion of being a warrior is probably different than most. For those who have progressive MS, they are warriors every single day… as long as they wake up and do their very best at living a happy life despite their condition. And if they can do it with a smile on their face then their warrior status is even more elevated, because just doing that takes more strength than most of us can even begin to imagine.

For me, being a warrior means accepting the hand you have been dealt as if you chose that hand. It’s about doing what you can do (with a smile on your face) and not complaining every other second about how shitty you might have it. It’s about putting on the big girl panties and powering through. It’s also about recognizing your limitations and accepting them as part of who you are. It’s about living life no matter how hard it gets. It’s about allowing pity parties, as long as they are short-lived, because we do deserve to have them every once in a while. It’s about conserving energy when possible so that we can fully take part in activities that are important to us.

That’s not to say I’m all warrior all the time. I am blessed to have a husband who supports me no matter what…. even if I don’t clean the house, I don’t food shop, and I don’t often cook. I expend my warrior strength  focusing on me and what is going to keep me strong as the years pass so that we can have more happy, functional years together, and that’s what he wants too. He understands that everything is a struggle because there is a war waging inside my body, and I seldom complain about it because it serves no purpose.

So basically the moral of this entry is that we all have an inner warrior. It’s when you feel your weakest that it is just waiting for you to call upon it. All you have to do is dig deep and rest assured that you have the power within to carry you through the darkest of times. You might never have given your inner warrior a second thought because you haven’t had to. But if or when you do, I guarantee that it’s there, just waiting to emerge.

If you don’t understand the “AF” part, ask a millennial!

Guycation

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As I have written about before, every year, my other half takes a guys’ trip to Las Vegas. They plan it at this time of the year because they aren’t really gamblers, but they LOVE betting on sports. In the fall, they have their choice of baseball, football, and hockey, which makes them happy. They eat and drink and watch sports. It’s heavenly for him, and I support it. Our relationship is different from many others because of how we encourage each other to do our own things sometimes, and we have always been that way.

All packed and ready to go.

In past years, I have been surrounded by friends to help pass the time alone while Bru is away. It’s always more than a weekend, and usually it is a five day trip. It’s a long time to be apart now that I’m not working and we spend so much more time together than when this tradition began all those years ago. He gets to spend the time bonding with our friends while I hold down the fort at home.

This year has been different for me. I did have a busy weekend filled with yoga teacher training. But that was only two days. The rest of the time was eerily quiet, and had me wondering why I was feeling a little lonely and abandoned, not by Bruce, but by others who used to want to come and spend time with me. And although I had those feelings on the weekend I was grateful for the quiet at the same time because my head is always spinning after yoga teacher training.

This is my awesome group of Gypsy Souls after a day of studying Yoga Sutras and a master Jivamukti Yoga class.

So part of what I have learned in my yoga teacher training so far is that I must have done something and that I should reflect upon what it could be. Sounds simple enough, right? Not so much when people randomly get tired of that girl and her MS that always gets in the way because she can’t keep up with her able-bodied peers. It’s something I have been “reflecting on” since my diagnosis over 15 years ago. It’s a sad truth but it’s also human nature. I have come to understand this through my own work on myself that I have been super focused on, especially since I stopped working because that’s when I was at my lowest point.

I have also learned in my yoga training that even when there is a negative in your life, there is a positive twist, which is exactly what my whole philosophy on life (and that I try to put out on this blog) is all about. So my takeaway from this year’s guycation is that even though I experienced feelings that I never felt before, that’s ok. It has given me time to really think about the things we discussed in training and try to apply it to my own life. So the flip side of the coin that contains my feelings of loneliness and abandonment on one side, on the other side contains the part where those people who used to keep me company are doing happy things for themselves, which I love. It also contains the part where Bruce gets to go and burn off the stress that he feels on a daily basis, being my caretaker and the main source of income for our little family, which I love even more. I am hoping that when he comes home, his jaw won’t be clenched, he will be happy for having gotten away to his favorite place, and that he will bring me many gifts! 🙂

This was a gift that Bru brought me from the neon museum one year on his Vegascation.

At one of our teacher training days this weekend, we had a guest instructor come, who has more than once taken a 30 day retreat (by himself) where he took a vow of silence for 30 days. He talked about how powerful the experience was, and how his mind would go to so many different places, ultimately finding a clarity of thought different than anything he had ever experienced before. I’m in no way comparing my silly feelings to this, but I can see how the mind goes to many different places when there are no outside distractions.

At the end of the day, I’m always grateful for any and all feelings, because as I have said in the past, as human beings we need to allow ourselves to experience all different emotions to make us appreciate how good we really have it. And I am lucky that I honestly feel that I have it pretty damn good: MS, breast cancer, and all.

These two are my constant companions and they kept me company and snuggled the whole time Bru was away.

Tribe

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It seems like every autumn I like to take inventory of my life and the progress I’ve made. It’s not always easy because I also take a look inwardly at who I am and where I still have work to do on myself. I do believe firmly in self improvement and I’m always trying to be better than I was yesterday.

Here I am, and this is the 5th school year that has started without me since I had to make the heart-wrenching decision to retire due to my progressing Multiple Sclerosis.  I never thought I’d survive it, and I certainly never thought I could ever feel whole again. It was a dark time for me, full of uncertainty, and I felt so lost.

Now when I look back, I’m utterly amazed that I was ever that person. It hasn’t come easily, that’s for sure. But slowly, I learned to adjust to a new life, a new identity, and a new purpose. I struggled over the loss of friendships that I now know were just friendly co-workers. I struggled over who I was, and what the universe had planned for me because I never had a plan aside from being the best damn teacher I could be. I was left questioning everything and everyone, including myself.

But once I started removing myself from upsetting situations (and even people who made me feel sad or that I was no longer worthy of their friendship), things started shifting for me. In the last year especially, I have made great strides in my attitude about just about everything.

I’m not really sure how it happened. I mean it could be that all this therapy in the last few years has finally made something click in my head. It could be all the yoga and just adapting a more yogic outlook. Or maybe it’s a combination of it all. But what I know is the following: I’m not afraid of letting go. I have a small but mighty tribe of chosen family who supplement my small but mighty biological family. I am loved. I am supported. I am made to feel special. I have grown strong in ways I never imagined possible. I live simply but joyfully. I have no regrets. My life has become AMAZING when once upon a time I thought I’d never be happy again.

One of the constants (and best parts of my small but mighty tribe) has been, and will always be my former students… there are too many to list, and I don’t want to exclude any of you, but you know who you are. I loved and supported you when you were “mine” (and I still do), but I never expected the amount of love and support you have given me back in spades. It makes me proud because I’m sure you’re not still at my side now (in your 20’s and 30’s) because you remember oh so well that textbook Spanish I taught you. I like to think it’s because of the real life things I inadvertently taught you because of how I lived my life so publicly with a chronic illness. There is a quote by Maya Angelou that says, “At the end of the day, people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.” I hope that’s the reason you all make me feel so special now that you are adults.

I’m pretty sure if we strive to make people feel good all the time, including ourselves, the whole world could be a much happier place. I know that I am grateful every single day, especially for those people early on in my retirement who made me feel good, because ultimately, it has helped me get to where I am now. All it takes is a tiny bit of feeling happy to want more, and though my journey isn’t over yet, I’m working every single day to be better.

Something as simple as this is something I never fully appreciated yet can’t get enough of now.

Pinktober

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In honor of Pinktober (Breast Cancer Awareness month), I am re-sharing a blog entry that discusses how I felt when I learned of my breast cancer diagnosis on New Years’ Eve eve in 2016. I am dedicating this to all my pink sisters out there, whether they are survivors, currently fighting, or sadly, have lost their battle.

Curve Ball

Other than having MS, I’m generally a pretty healthy person. I seldom get sick because I’m so careful about how I live my life. I exercise, I eat well, and as my former students would attest to, I’m slightly germ-phobic. I don’t consider that a negative trait because I’m sure that’s how I remain healthy. But one thing I was told early in my journey with MS, is that having one illness does not preclude me from getting others. It’s something I filed in the back of my head somewhere and have only recently discovered how true it is. 

As a woman in her 40’s, I am always on top of my wellness visits with all of my doctors. After all, I am a rule girl. I do my full body check with my dermatologist every year, get an annual physical with my primary care physician, visit my ophthalmologist once a year, see my gynecologist annually, and, of course, I get my mammograms. I have had irregular readings on my mammograms in the past, which have always revealed nothing unusual upon repeat scans. 

So this year, when I was told that they would like to take some further imaging and ultrasound if necessary, I didn’t panic. Why would I? Offering full disclosure here, I have scar tissue from a breast reduction and being called for follow-up mammograms is not unusual under these circumstances. 

This year, unlike past years, I was told that I should see a breast specialist because the mammogram and ultrasound revealed irregularities. I still didn’t panic because I’m so used to visiting doctors and specialists of all sorts, thanks to MS. When the doctor examined me, she didn’t feel anything but she did see what the radiologist had seen on the films from the mammogram as well as on the CD of my ultrasound. When she told me that I needed to have a stereotactic biopsy, I still didn’t panic. She explained that most likely it was nothing, and if it was anything, it was stage zero and very treatable. 

The moment of panic came when I walked in the room for this biopsy, and saw the table that I was going to be lying down on during the procedure. (Think: operating table with a hole in it where I was to lie face down with the appropriate breast in the hole.) To be fair, it wasn’t scary at all, and the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

After the procedure, I was told that I would hear my results within 4-5 business days. The timing was tight because of the holiday falling smack dab in there. I debated with myself endlessly about whether it would be better to hear before New Year’s Eve, or continue to not know anything until after the holidays. Ultimately the choice was not mine, and I got the call on New Year’s Eve eve. 

With my sister on one side of me and Bruce on the other, I sat and listened to words I never expected to hear: it’s cancer. I promptly scheduled an appointment with the breast specialist for her first available appointment in order to discuss the biopsy findings further and also to come up with the appropriate treatment plan. As of the publishing of this entry, that appointment has not yet happened. 

It’s a weird feeling to hear this kind of news. Scary, of course, but also relieved that I am a proactive patient and this has been caught early with a very positive prognosis. Still, I feel like I’m somehow living someone else’s life even though I know full well that having MS doesn’t guarantee me immunity from other illnesses. 

One thing I have never done is ask “why me?”, not referring to Multiple Sclerosis, and not in this situation either. The truth is, that I believe in the universe, no matter what it decides to dole out to me. By overcoming obstacles in our path, we are made stronger. When I was diagnosed with MS I never questioned it, and my journey has brought me many gifts and my mission has become more and more clear the longer it has been a part of my life.

So here I am, starting the new year, ready to fight another fight. I’m not sure what the universe has in store for me, but I do know that I would not be given anything more than I can handle.  I also know that somewhere along this next part of my journey, my purpose will become apparent just as it always has in the past. 

The lesson for all of us here is the following: sulking, questioning, and negativity are all a waste of our precious energy. Instead, let’s use our energy in productive ways.  I, for one, propose a toast to all of us warriors out there, fighting to overcome whatever physical or emotional obstacles we are faced with. Grab a glass of lemonade (half-full, obviously), and be grateful for your blessings as well as your challenges, because both are a part of living a full and rewarding life. I’m looking ahead at 2017, cancer and all, and I can’t even imagine how much stronger I will be next year at this time. Cheers! 

Autumn

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Traditionally this has always been my favorite time of the year. There is nothing I love more than the cool summer nights because it’s a sign from Mother Nature that autumn is approaching. I am constantly awestruck by the beauty of the fall. I love the colors of the leaves turning. I love the crisp fall wind. I love the faint smell of fireplaces warming up chilly homes. I love the sound of the rustling leaves. I love wearing hoodies and Uggs. In my past life, I loved the excitement of a new school year, because one of the greatest things about being a teacher is getting a fresh start every single year.

When I was little, I eagerly prepared for the beginning of school. I carefully assembled my binder, making sure that each subject had the exact same number of loose-leaf pages. I had my pencil case stuffed to the max with every single color pen, pencils, highlighters, and whiteout. I could spend hours roaming around the school supplies aisles anywhere I went, just to make sure I had everything I could possibly need.This excitement continued for me through my college years, and eventually through all my teaching years. I spent dollars upon dollars making sure I would have a well-stocked, beautifully decorated classroom. I spent many days prior to the contractual school year preparing my classroom so that my new batch of students would feel welcomed on day one.


Now I am more at peace during this time of year than ever before. Obviously I still love everything about this time of the year, but every year I feel less and less nostalgic about the one piece that is missing for me. My teacher friends are back in school mode, dealing with more stress than ever, and although I don’t wish it for them, I am grateful that it isn’t me. On the one hand, I ache for the days when I was anticipating the new school year. It’s a strange combination of excitement and apprehension, but I always found it exhilarating. But, on the other hand, I have this new life that I have settled into, that is so very fulfilling without a fraction of the stress that is so unfairly placed upon educators.I still get to enjoy the colors of the season. I still get to enjoy the fall wind. I still get to enjoy the faint smell of fireplaces. I still get to enjoy the sound of rustling leaves. I still get to enjoy wearing hoodies and Uggs. But instead of looking forward to a new school year, I look forward to new traditions. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I love and appreciate my favorite parts of the fall even more now that I get to take the time to be fully present in the here and now. Everything seems more beautiful to me now because I take the time to truly embrace the simple pleasures in life. I even get to spend quality time with my loved ones whenever I want, even though school has started because I no longer wear those blinders that kept me focused on one thing, and one thing only: my job.Bruce and I have started a new tradition the last few years by vacationing towards the end of September because it’s such a great time to head north to our favorite spot in Vermont. Taking a vacation whenever I want? It was not even a possibility in my old life. I feel like such a rebel!