Monthly Archives: November 2016

Gratitude

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Being that this is the week of Thanksgiving, I am approaching the blog differently this time. I never need a reminder to be grateful for something…anything (!), no matter how small, every single day. If you are not able to do the same, then I challenge you to keep a gratitude journal in which you document something for which to be grateful each day. You might be surprised at what you come up with. So here are some of mine, in no particular order:

  • I’m thankful for my rock, my partner in crime, my other half, my biggest cheerleader, my best friend, my love. He’s the yin to my yang, the pen to my paper, and the vim to my vigor. Bruce supports me on every step of my journey, and works hard so that I can focus on doing the things that keep me strong and healthy. Without him I’d be lost and hopeless. 
  • I’m thankful for my family, whether biological, steps, in-laws, or MS. However they became my family is unimportant because they are always there to see me through the dark moments and show me the light. 
  • I’m thankful for my tripod: my two best girls who have loved me from the moment we met, and who really are the other two legs of my tripod. Without them, I would never be able to stand up straight. 
  • I’m thankful for my adorable rescue dogs who always show me unconditional love. They provide me with so much joy and watching them rehabilitate from scared, skittish, and sometimes even aggressive with the right kind of love and affection makes us all better beings at the end of the day. 
  • I’m thankful for my many, many former students who are constant reminders of the career I loved but had to abandon far too soon. They inspire me with their accomplishments, and they fill me with a pride like no other I have ever felt. 
  • I am thankful for living in a time where medical research is constantly being done to create new treatments to help manage an incurable illness. 
  • I’m thankful for a medical team that listens to me, is honest, and truly cares about me not only as a patient, but also as a person. Our relationship spans 13 years and they really are family to me.  
  • I’m thankful for the seasons of the year because each one is special to me for different reasons, but each one reminds me of how fortunate I am to be able to experience them all.
  • I’m thankful for a roof over my head and food in my refrigerator. Where we are today is so amazing, especially when I think about the tough days early in our marriage where food shopping was often done in my mother-in-law’s pantry. 
  • I’m thankful for the best qualities I inherited from the generations before me. I have my dad’s work ethic (not to mention curly hair), which made my career as successful as it was. From my beloved grandfather I inherited an open heart and an ability to love so fiercely, with every fiber of my being. Last, but certainly not least, I am blessed with my grandma Ruth’s fighting spirit and quick wit. She was at death’s door and bounced back too many times to count, and we often joked that she had nine lives. This quality is the one that I depend on most these days, and I am lucky to have inherited it. 
  • I’m thankful for this body that my spirit occupies, even though it is far from perfect. Under the surface there is a storm brewing, but I still feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time. I will never take this body for granted no matter what it looks like because it’s just the shell of who I really am. 
  • I’m thankful for the technology that allows me to find support from friends and family at any moment, with just a single text. I’m also thankful for the aspect of social media that has allowed me to connect with loved ones from so many compartments of my past. We may not talk all the time, but I am comforted by their presence nonetheless.
  • I’m thankful for my nephew, Lucas, for always making me laugh and smile. At just 20 months of age, he makes it impossible for me to be in a bad mood, and I can’t help but feel optimistic about the future when I see that little smile, hear that giggle, or feel his little hand in mine. 

As you can see, I am never at a loss of things to be grateful for. This list is just a tiny peek at what I really feel, because I could keep on listing more and more. The point is that we shouldn’t need a day like Thanksgiving to be reminded of all the things around us that make us feel grateful. Gratitude is as important in my daily life as breathing is. None of us can control how much life we have left to live, but we can most definitely control how we view the days we do have. Being the staunch optimist that I am, some might say that being grateful comes easily. I, too, have my struggles, though. Although we shouldn’t need a day like Thanksgiving as the impetus to acknowledge the things we are grateful for, whether facing a chronic illness such as MS or not, we sometimes need a little push to help us look beyond the daily grind we often find ourselves trapped in. I make a conscious effort every single day to remove those blinders so that I can see all of the amazing blessings that fill my life. You should do the same. 

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Evolution

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There is no rhyme or reason to what I blog about. Honestly.  I have a list of things that I’ve kept through the years that are options to write about, but I do prefer to be more topical and I try to write about whatever moves me from week to week. I find inspiration from so many different people and events, so I never have to worry that I won’t have something to say. This week, my inspiration came from my trainer. 

When she came into my life three years ago I was a different person than I am today. I often don’t even realize the changes that I have made but today it naturally came up during the course of my workout. I consider her a dear friend and she has changed my life, and her perspective is incredibly valuable to me. 

I was enrolled in her class almost exactly three years ago, as part of a 12 week wellness program for MS patients. It was something I had always wanted to participate in but because I was still working prior to that, it was not a possibility because the program took place during the week, during the day. I walked in there in the midst of a deep depression fueled by a relapse that took me away from my livelihood. I was under the misguided impression that my co-workers were my friends and I felt completely removed and isolated from them. I missed my students like crazy and I desperately wanted to feel well enough to work, but I was struggling to regain my strength. Plus I was carrying at least 30 pounds of extra weight brought on by high dose steroids and lack of mobility. With hindsight being 20/20, I can say for certain that I was at an all time low emotional place, and I didn’t even know it. 

Then I met Diane. She was like a ray of sunshine in a sea of darkness for me. On day one, I have to admit that I was a little intimidated. After all, she is exactly what you would expect of a trainer who demands that you listen and give everything your all, and who is accustomed to getting results. As an athlete, I was used to that, but because I was as low as I was, I feared I would let her down… or more importantly, that I would let myself down. 

After the 12 weeks, I continued to attend classes with Diane, as part of the benefit to having completed the 12 week wellness program was having access to “graduate” classes such as Strength & Balance and Spin classes. I found the classes so empowering because they were allowing me to begin taking control of my body again. The more empowered I became, the harder I worked, and the better I felt. Additionally, I met a whole gang of other MS warriors who quickly became the support I was longing for from the friends who turned out to be anything but. And so began the process of evolving for the teacher formerly known as Mrs. Rankin. 

One thing I know for sure is that we, as humans, owe it to ourselves to be open to evolving. Evolution, to me, simply means changing, learning, and growing. I didn’t realize how much work I had cut out for myself back then because I couldn’t see beyond the darkness of my normally optimistic soul. Diane (and my MS family) helped me begin to put the pieces of my life back together again, and thankfully, they each have taken their rightful place in my heart as we all move forward together.

I am forever grateful for the love and support of my very special MS family. They helped me find myself when I was so lost.

I am forever grateful for the love and support of my very special MS family. They helped me find myself when I was so lost.

Through exercise, I began to help my body get strong again. Through meditation, I have learned how to achieve true inner piece. And through therapy, I am still working on accepting my life as is, because it’s the only one I get. 

Don’t get me wrong: not every single day in the last three years has been sunshine and roses. But that’s ok because when I look back and I compare myself to where I was then, I am proud of the progress I have made across the board, both physically and emotionally. Looking at me, it’s easy to see the changes I’ve made physically. But equally important is the fact that I am more grounded, more centered, and I am definitely a much complete individual than I was before. I can only hope that when I look back on today three years from now that I can say the same because I’m actually pretty excited to see where I can go from here. 

I never thought I would be here today, feeling such joy every single day, and that I would be so grateful for my life as it is now. I am way different than I was three years ago, yet innately the same as I have always been. Except now I like to think that I am the new and improved version of the person I once was. As the saying goes, I may not be there yet, but I’m getting closer every day. 

#truth

#truth

The moral of the story today is that no matter how deep the darkness, there is light to be found, as long as you open your eyes to it. And after all, we can’t truly appreciate how glorious the sun is if we don’t experience the rain. Just as flowers don’t grow without rain, we as human beings don’t grow without overcoming the obstacles in our path. I, for one, hope to never stop evolving because seeing how far I have come is perhaps the most empowering feeling I have ever experienced. You should try it. You might be surprised at the new, improved you that emerges on the other side. I dare you. 

Even though I have gotten smaller, that's not what my journey has been about. It's about finding strength, hard work, staying positive, and never giving up. Even though may I have gotten smaller, my inner strength has grown exponentially larger.

Even though I have gotten smaller, that’s not what my journey has been about. It’s about finding strength, hard work, staying positive, and never giving up. Even though may I have gotten smaller, my inner strength has grown exponentially larger.

Changes

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Most days, I’m pretty much at peace with where I am relative to my life with MS. I mean, I’m doing everything I possibly can to keep myself strong and healthy, all things considered. But some days are harder than others, and those are the days when I usually feel pangs of nostalgia for bits and pieces of my old life. 

I had one of those days this week. I had a doctor’s appointment at which time I found out that my insurance doesn’t cover an essential (in my opinion) woman’s well visit every year. I had to pay money I wasn’t prepared to pay, and I was not happy. Then they threw a stack of paperwork for me to fill out, including all the information from both of my insurance plans, even though they JUST photocopied my cards. In fact, all of the papers were full of information they already have on me, as I have been a patient there for almost 15 years. My tremor was bad that day, so I was overly sensitive about having to write so much. Then it was time to get on the dreaded scale, and I’ve written many times about what a mind fuck that is for me. I didn’t check my weight tracker to see where I was last year but I’m pretty sure my weight is up, which is fine because I’m probably three sizes smaller than I was last year at this time. But still, I have issues in this area so I was increasingly more irritated and I didn’t even get into the exam room yet. So of course, my blood pressure was high, and that always freaks me out because it’s just not the norm for me. I stewed the whole way home, and then I fell UP the stairs…not once, but twice. On a single trip up. Even though I was home alone, I threw my hands up and said a few choice words unbecoming of a lady such as myself!  Shortly afterwards, I vented to my sister, and when we hung up I was feeling very sad because I was missing one very specific piece of the past. 

Once upon a time, and not so long ago, I regularly made the seemingly simple trip to New York City to spend time with my sister, who lives there. I didn’t think twice about hopping on the train to Penn Station, where she would either meet me, or I would grab a cab to our favorite place. I didn’t think twice about the swarm of people pouring onto the train, carelessly pushing their way on to find seats. I didn’t think about the mad dash off the train to the upper level of Penn Station, or climbing the stairs with people on all sides of me focused only on their own destination while I got jostled from side to side as they rushed past me. I didn’t think about maneuvering a crowd to get to our usual meeting place or to the taxi stand. And I never thought about walking around the crowded streets, arm in arm with my sister, making our way in and out of various stores, tightly packed with other shoppers, after drinking wine all day at our favorite tapas bar. 

Oh how I miss this place...

Oh how I miss this place…

Nowadays making plans with my sister is completely different. As my MS has progressed, I am no longer comfortable with crowds. My balance, which is precarious at best most days, is made much worse by the constant movement around me. I am thrown into an all out panic attack and I find it hard to even move a muscle without someone there to guide me. I have to constantly look at my feet (because I can’t feel them) and I am afraid of falling and embarrassing myself. Even though I now use a cane in these circumstances, more to alert others, hoping they will be more considerate, unfortunately it really doesn’t do the trick. And as for shopping, I seldom shop in an actual store anymore because it has become something so far out of my comfort zone that it isn’t even worth it to me. 

Fernando always treated us so well!

Fernando always treated us so well!

Luckily, her place is easy to get to from NJ, and parking is usually easy in her neighborhood. I can’t manage the drive because I get far too anxious, but Bruce is kind enough to play chauffeur when I need some sister time.  She happens to live in a GREAT neighborhood with lots of great places, so even though it isn’t our old favorite, we still always have a good time. 

This was my first trip to our place after LASIK eye surgery so we were celebrating.

This was my first trip to our place after LASIK eye surgery so we were celebrating.

Life with a chronic illness such as MS is a constant cycle of adjusting to new norms and then accepting them because there is no other option. It’s not always an easy route to acceptance, but it is a necessity in order to live a complete and happy life. There will always be things from my past that I long for, but the memories of those things remain very close to my heart. I am grateful for having wonderful memories and even more grateful that I have learned to accept the changes because I am still making beautiful memories with those that I hold dear…and isn’t that REALLY what life is about?

Picture Perfect

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I have always been into taking pictures and documenting memorable times in my life. In fact, my friends often referred to me as the archivist of the group. For four years of my life, I documented every single day with a photo accompanied by journaling about that particular photo. It started off as a project (known to photographers everywhere as Project 365) intended to improve my photography skills, but it turned into so much more than that. For 1,461 days (there was a leap year in there), I never missed a day. Even though I’ve taken a little bit of heat for grabbing my camera (or my iPhone) at every moment, everyone enjoys seeing the pictures once they are taken. So why am I writing about this now when my last p365 spanned the dates from 1/1/15-12/31/15? I wish I had a better answer, but the simple truth is that I just started assembling my photo book for that last project because for some reason, I kept putting it off. It is somewhat tedious to put it all together, but it truly is a labor of love, and now, looking at the photos I chose, I am reminded why I took on this project (whole-heartedly) for each of those years. 

In the process of reviewing, editing, and formatting so I can finally order the book. I can wait to get it in my hands!

In the process of reviewing, editing, and formatting so I can finally order the book. I can wait to get it in my hands!

As I’m working on my book, the first thing I think about is how my camera/iPhone may as well have been an extension of my arm during all of those years. Being without it was almost like being naked. I snapped photos all day long, and then at the end of the day, I would either choose one to journal about, or else I’d make a collage if I couldn’t pick just one. And even though putting the book together is laborious, seeing an entire year of my life laid out in front of me, in a tangible form with actual pages to turn, is amazing and truly rewarding. 

A little taste of year 1!

A little taste of year 1!

Now that I have been “on hiatus” since December 31, 2015, I can appreciate the many reasons why Project 365 is so good for my soul. (Side note: I am sure there will be many more p365s in my future, but taking a break in between is necessary sometimes!). So initially I started the first one on September 1, since in a teacher’s life, that’s really the “new year”. I continued for three straight years before taking a break before beginning my fourth. In that time, however, I “retired”, and even though my other “photog friends” were committed to beginning again on 1/1/15, I was anxious about it. The first three years were very school-centered, because my life was very school-centered. Starting the new project, I worried that I might not find things to take pictures of and journal about without that most vital part of me that I had left behind when I walked out the door of my school for the very last time.  For that reason alone, I committed because I needed to prove that even though my life had changed so much, I still have a life worth documenting. 

Year 2

Year 2

Re-living each memory that will take its place in the book has made me see how incredibly differently I live my life now that I am not working. First of all, I have truly learned to stop and smell the roses, sometimes literally. Where my prior photo books are overflowing with pictures having to do with my teacher life, this one is full of natural beauty, and beautiful friends and family. It’s amazing how a project like this can make me see how my priorities have changed so much for the better, even though I once thought I’d never be a complete person or have a fulfilling life without being “Mrs. Rankin”.

Year 3

Year 3

While the initial intent was always to improve my skills as a photography hobbyist, the concept of finding something beautiful or meaningful to photograph each day certainly embodies the sprit of optimism, which was, of course, very appealing to me. This latest project was the most challenging for me because of the many life changes that I was dealing with, but as I placed each picture into the book, they were like footsteps leading me on my journey to where I am now…completely at peace in retirement because I am surrounded by so much love from so many amazing former students who remain constants in my life, totally present with family and loved ones whenever I have the opportunity, and still the fervid optimist I always have been. And the best part is that my journey is far from over! It’s true that my journey has not taken me on the course that I had anticipated, and it certainly has not been perfect. In fact, most would say that my life is far from the textbook definition of perfect. But now that I’m living my life this way I realize that it’s perfectly me, and that feels pretty damn good. 

I can't wait for a new book to top this pile.

I can’t wait for a new book to top this pile.