I have struggled with my weight and body image since I was just a little girl. I grew up admiring the beautiful clothes my sisters wore, knowing that hand-me-downs would never be a possibility. Most children hate the idea of having to wear “used” clothing that gets passed from one sibling to the next, but I would have loved it because I idolized my sisters. Plus, they had really good taste in clothes!
Me and my beautiful sister on the day of her wedding, during an MS relapse.
My sisters were always thin, while I, on the other hand, was the “husky” one. Their shoulders and backs are narrow, while mine are broader than many men I know. They have tiny fingers and wrists, and I can’t even manage to get a regular sized bangle bracelet on my gigantic wrists. The contrast between us is so great in so many ways that as a family we often joked that I must have been a product of the mailman. I might have actually believed it if I didn’t look just like my dad!
I was always an active kid, and an athletic one. I was a tomboy in every sense of the word. I truly was the son my dad never had! I wouldn’t change that part of my past at all. I would, however, skip the pieces that added up and eventually made me look at myself through society’s mirror instead of my own. There are specific moments that I remember as clearly as if they just happened yesterday. When I moved to NJ in 5th grade, I was teased relentlessly about my shape and size. When I was 14 years old, my gymnastics coach told me that I had to lose 25 pounds. I often overheard my parents justifying my “size” to others when they thought I was out of earshot. They’d say, “Rennie’s athletic” or “she’s solid”. I could continue to list moments just like these, but there is no point in rehashing the past because I have moved on from the negativity that comes along with it.
At my ideal size. I relapsed 2 months later, so it was short-lived.
As an adult, this battle is very real for me. Here’s how things go for me at this point in my life: I work my butt off to finally get to where I want to be (size-wise) just in time to have an MS relapse. When a bad exacerbation occurs, the treatment is intravenous steroids followed by a course of oral steroids as a taper. The result is usually an improvement in symptoms but at the cost of 20-30 pounds. It’s an endless, frustrating cycle that could really mess with my psyche if I let it.
Thanks to MS though, my perspective at this age is completely different. Now instead of focusing on what I am not, I focus on what I am. I am working hard to be strong, not to be skinny. I am working hard so that even if my MS is progressing, I am doing what it is in my control to delay further debilitation. I am working hard to accept my size (big or small) because I no longer let it define who I am. I spent far too much time and energy in my younger years agonizing over it, and now I wish I hadn’t. The truth is that it just doesn’t matter that much. I would rather spend my time working towards good health than torturing myself about the number on the scale. I pride myself on being fit (a relative term considering that I have many limitations) and healthy. I challenge myself with exercise, and I am extremely careful with my diet. I do it all because of how it makes me feel, not because of how it makes me look (looking better is just a happy side effect!). I wish I could go back to my younger self and teach her to look at things the way I do now. Of course MS brought me to this place (which sucks) but it taught me a lesson that I never would have learned otherwise (which is awesome!).
Me and my girls now… on my way down again. My body might change in size, but my smile is always the same!
