Happy New Year!

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Hello readers! I’m not saying I’ll be posting regularly in 2021 or when I’ll be back to scheduled posting, but I had to offer up some of the lessons I learned in 2020 because I am a reflective kind of girl. Maybe you aren’t someone who spends time reflecting, but sometimes we are able to reach deeper levels of happiness and hope when, instead of thinking about how awful a situation might feel, we realize that the lessons learned are incredibly valuable. So without further ado, I give you the top ten lessons (in no particular order) I have learned during the most trying of times!

Lessons learned in 2020:

  • Never wish the days away. No matter how isolating stay at home orders are, they are still days. Cancer might have taught me this lesson too, but certainly 2020 was a reminder. The days may have melted one to the next, but I was home with my little family: Bruce, Scarlet, and Squiggy, which really isn’t much different than how I live when there are no stay at home orders.

    We have each other and our pups, and despite postponing our wedding (not once, but twice) I am so lucky to be quarantining with my best friend.

  • Never take for granted the ones you love and tell them often how much you love and appreciate them because we don’t know how long we have to wait for that next hug.

    Mama B and Bill came down to simply deliver pizza from our favorite place in North Jersey. This was as close as they came, as this was before we expanded our bubble to include them, but not without quarantining before each visit even now.

  • Gratitude is endless and multiplies exponentially when times are tough. You just might have to search a little deeper to find it, and the things for which you are grateful  might seem a bit more mundane.

    Moments of joy may have looked slightly different this year, but they happened!

  • We can survive on much less than we think. When Bruce was laid off (and as you know I’m on long term disability), we still had a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, and love in our hearts.
  • We can all be kinder and more compassionate to others, especially those who have been working to meet our needs during these unprecedented times.

    Im so grateful to my entire medical team, delivery people, retail workers, and everyone else who has risked infection so that we can have the things we need.

  • It’s always important to think beyond yourself at what serves the greater good.

    Marty”s Place has downscaled volunteer shifts yet somehow they have managed to keep all the residents well-cared for and happy.

  • Technology is a godsend, keeping us connected in a way that was not possible 100 years ago during the last pandemic.

    I am so grateful for video calls with my squad….

  • What others see as “endurance” in me is really just my will to keep moving. Although it applies to everyone, for the MS patient, it is essential to keep moving or else you won’t be able to move at all.

  • Do whatever you need to in order to keep anxiety at bay. 2020 was full of challenges, and if you felt anxiety, you certainly were not alone. There is no weakness in admitting it. I stayed in a bubble, stopped watching the news, and immersed myself in yoga and meditation.

    My savior… yoga and meditation.

  • Never say things like “2021 can’t be worse” (because it could be)! And never lose hope for a brighter tomorrow. As I went through the multitude of doctor appointments (the only reason I left my house) I asked each one their much more informed opinions on 2021. As one doctor so eloquently put it, the tunnel is long but there IS a light at the end.

    I see the light!

I wish all of my readers peace, light, and good health in 2021 and always, as well as the ability to extract the good from the not-so-good situations you may find yourself in. For this die-hard optimist, hope springs eternal, and I know that things WILL be better in 2021. Happy New Year!
See you when I see you!

Announcement

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My Dear Readers,

After more than six years of weekly blogging (with rare exceptions), i have done some soul searching, and I am taking a little hiatus. Everything I have written will remain here for your reading pleasure, but the weight of the world has me in a position where I am taking a step back to get my head on straight. I will likely be back, posting at a lesser frequency such as once a month, but that remains to be seen.

I hope you understand what a difficult decision this has been for me, but it is the right one at this moment in time.

Please stay healthy, stay safe, and wear a mask! I’ll see you when I see you!

With love and gratitude,

Rennie

MMJ

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Giving thought to past entries, I thought it only appropriate to bring back an entry from the past where I discuss an approved part of my treatment plan for managing MS symptoms. It may seem unorthodox to those who only opt for traditional, pharmaceutical medications, but for me, having access to MMJ has been such a blessing for offering relief where traditional medications have not. The reason I am sharing it on election day is because this year on your ballot here in NJ the public question #1 is whether or not  to approve the legalization of recreational use of Marijuana for adults. Perhaps if you have maintained a “con” attitude about it, my experience could help you see it from a different perspective.

As I thought about the pros and cons to writing this entry, the one thought I couldn’t get out of my head was what will my former students and co-workers think about it? But that’s exactly why this piece deserves to be written. Often the pain and discomfort associated with Multiple Sclerosis is resistant to medications because these symptoms are neurological and traditional pain medications do not offer relief. There is an option out there but it exists with a stigma that is, in my opinion, unfounded. 

I like to think that my former students and colleagues alike would describe me as the utmost in professionalism. I worked full time (very seldom or never calling out sick), and I earned my Masters Degree just before MS decided it was time to leave the classroom (graduating Summa Cum Laude), while I was still working. I also traveled as a patient advocate and motivational speaker, giving as freely of my time to strangers as I did to my students. I am a professional woman, who has worked her whole life, who owns a home, who has a car, who gives back to society, and who just happens to have a prescription for Medical Marijuana. 

(I’m pausing for effect here so everyone reading can just take that in.)

Yup. You read that right. Medical Marijuana is an approved part of my treatment plan, and has been for several years because luckily I live in NJ, where there is a Medical Marijuana program (MMP) in place. Does that mean that I used to go to work high? Does that mean now that I’m not working I just sit home and smoke weed all day long? Does that make me a “junkie” or a “stoner”? Does that make me a drug addict? The answer to all of those questions is “no”, and I can only hope that I haven’t shattered anyone’s image of me by disclosing this information. 

My prescription is written by a physician who has registered with the state MMP, which contains a list of approved diagnoses for which the product may be used. Even though he specializes in MS, he still doesn’t prescribe it to just anyone. There is a definite protocol that he uses to determine if MMJ is an appropriate treatment. As a patient, I am grateful that he understands that relief doesn’t always come from some combination of pharmaceuticals used for symptom management. So why, then, do some of his peers criticize him for prescribing something that is readily available and could possibly keep his patients from needlessly suffering? The irresponsible ones are the hacks (and they do, indeed, exist) who charge $500 a visit (and don’t take insurance) just to write a prescription, and they do the same thing as often as they want to when your prescription expires. 

I consider myself lucky to have a prescribed medication that eases some of my most bothersome symptoms, but it’s also frustrating at times. Because I have fully integrated the MMJ into my treatment plan, it is just like my other medications. I take my meds just like anyone else: different medications at different times of the day. This one happens to be a nighttime medication for me, because it helps to relieve the leg spasms and neuropathic pain that prevent me from getting comfortable. I don’t sleep well because of that, but it is far worse when I am not able to “medicate”. It works when I’m in NJ… But because MMJ is not a federal program, and because it is not legal everywhere, I can not travel with it. I can’t even travel with it if I am traveling to another state with a MMP or to a state where recreational marijuana is legal. Essentially, I have to choose between being able to visit my family and friends outside of NJ and the multitude of symptoms that respond to MMJ. 

Beyond that, this particular medication is not covered under my health insurance. Not only that, but the dispensary is a cash-only operation. It’s unfortunate that more people who really could benefit from MMJ can’t simply because of the price. I understand this predicament, especially since I stopped working. But if it works then you just have to make sacrifices in other areas of your “budget” (like I did) so that you can continue on the treatment plan that best works for you. 

So why am I writing this? Because MMJ carries a stigma that is completely unfair. Some of the same people that rail against MMJ have no problem with opiates (such as OxyContin) that are so readily  prescribed. These drugs have been known on many occasions to result in severe addiction and ruin lives, yet most people don’t think twice about them because they are considered “prescription medications”. Why must we suffer? Because such a large percentage of the population associates marijuana with lazy stoners and “Cheech and Chong” movies? Not only is it unfair to those who could benefit from MMJ, but I feel it is unethical. 

Put yourself in the shoes of someone suffering from a chronic, painful, and debilitating condition. Would you not try to do everything in your power to feel better? Or even just a little more human? 

*Thanks to my partner in crime for helping me get this entry right!*

Photo credit: Idalia Photography

Optimism

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It’s so hard to know what to write about during these extremely trying times, so this week’s entry is going to be short and to the point. Sometimes I feel like we are all living a collective nightmare: a country divided, a pandemic getting worse instead of better, and social issues that have been ignored for so many years. I keep hoping that we are going to wake up, breathe a sigh of relief and talk about what a horrible dream we shared. But I am, and always will be the consummate optimist and so I offer a few things that always make me feel better.

In my little quaran-team bubble are very few people. Basically we are a crew of seven who have remained vigilant since we are the only people that truly interact with each other. I am not talking about doctor appointments or quick “drive-by” visits, but the ones with whom we can spend time with indoors, free from masks, and hugs are not only allowed, but encouraged because they are the only ones we share these simple pleasures with.

My team. I would be lost without them.

Being in our little bubble brings a false sense of security when we are together. We can forget the whole world around us and focus on each other. Quite honestly, we focus on each other now more than ever and as long as everyone in our bubble is ok then we are happy. Sure, we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like, but we treasure our time together that much more. If we lived even half an hour closer things would be better, but for now we are grateful for the love and support, not to mention the strength that we gather from each other.

The other thing that really helps me see more clearly is spending time in nature, especially at the most beautiful time of the year in the Northeast. It’s so easy for me to get lost in the sights, the sounds, and the smells of the season. It’s also a reminder that the world is so much bigger than us. It’s easy to be reminded of all the good that clearly remains when you filter out the external forces of human beings that make us feel stressed out. It is especially powerful to meditate in nature, which is one of my favorite things to do, and at this point I will do just about anything to quiet the “chatter between the ears” to give myself the time I need to re-connect with all that is good, because it makes me better able to deal with the things I can not control.

These are all images that brought me solace last week.

So during these difficult times, i encourage you all to find your true pleasures… the small things that help you find comfort, even if only temporarily. And right now, isn’t a temporary step back better than nothing?

Autumn

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Traditionally this has always been my favorite time of the year. If it seems like this entry is late to be talking about the fall, that’s because it feels like it came so late this year, and it seems to arrive later and later every year. In fact, it seems to have arrived just in the last week here in NJ, and I have been eagerly awaiting it. There is nothing I love more than the cool summer nights because it’s a sign from Mother Nature that autumn is approaching. I am constantly awestruck by the beauty of the fall. I love the colors of the leaves turning. I love the crisp fall wind. I love the faint smell of fireplaces warming up chilly homes. I love the sound of the rustling leaves. I love wearing hoodies and Uggs. In my past life, I loved the excitement of a new school year, because one of the greatest things about being a teacher is getting a fresh start every single year.

This is just one part of fall that make me so happy!

When I was little, I always excitedly prepared for the beginning of the school year. I carefully assembled my binder, making sure that each subject had the exact same number of loose-leaf pages. I had my pencil case stuffed to the max with every single color pen, pencils, highlighters, and whiteout. I could spend hours roaming around the school supplies aisles anywhere I went, just to make sure I had everything I could possibly need. I even did the same thing a few years back when I committed to Yoga Teacher Training. This excitement continued for me through my college years, and eventually through all my teaching years. I spent dollars upon dollars making sure I would have a well-stocked, beautifully decorated classroom. I spent many days prior to the contractual school year preparing my classroom so that my new batch of students would feel welcomed on day one.

All of these supplies and decorations were purchased out of my own pocket, just to make sure all students felt comfortable in my classroom.

These days,  I am more at peace during this time of year than ever before. Obviously I still love everything about this time of the year, but every year I feel less and less nostalgic about the one piece that is missing for me. My teacher friends are back in school mode, dealing with more stress than ever, and although I don’t wish it for them, I am grateful that it isn’t me. On the one hand, I ache for the days when I was anticipating the new school year. It’s a strange combination of excitement and apprehension, but I always found it exhilarating. But, on the other hand, I have this new life that I have settled into, that is so very fulfilling without a fraction of the stress that is so unfairly placed upon educators.

I still get to enjoy the colors of the season. I still get to enjoy the fall wind. I still get to enjoy the faint smell of fireplaces. I still get to enjoy the sound of rustling leaves. I still get to enjoy wearing hoodies and Uggs, and even more so now that I don’t have to comply with a dress code that does not include those items! But instead of looking forward to a new school year, I look forward to new traditions. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I love and appreciate my favorite parts of the fall even more now that I get to take the time to be fully present in the here and now. Everything seems more beautiful to me now because I take the time to truly embrace the simple pleasures in life. I even get to spend quality time with my loved ones whenever I want to (COVID aside), even though school has started because I no longer wear those blinders that kept me focused on one thing, and one thing only: my job. Bruce and I have started a new tradition the last few years by vacationing towards the end of September because it’s such a great time to head north to our favorite spot in Vermont. Of course this year we are not doing that because there is a pandemic happening, but it is a tradition that we will, without a doubt, come back to once it is safe again.

Bring me back to my happy place!

Taking a vacation whenever we want, and in September no less? It was not even a possibility that I would entertain in my old life. And even six years later, I still feel like such a rebel for all that I can do without thinking about 160 other people before thinking about my own well-being. Selfish? Perhaps. Regrets? None!

Photo credit: Jin at Fotos for the Future

Pinktober

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In honor of Pinktober (Breast Cancer Awareness Month), I am re-sharing a blog entry that discusses how I felt when I learned of my breast cancer diagnosis on New Years’ Eve eve in 2016. I am dedicating this to all my pink sisters out there, whether they are survivors, currently fighting, or sadly, have lost their battle.

It came. We fought. I won.

Other than having MS, I’m generally a pretty healthy person. I seldom get sick because I’m so careful about how I live my life. I exercise, I eat well, and as my former students would attest to, I’m slightly germ-phobic. I don’t consider that a negative trait because I’m sure that’s how I remain healthy. But one thing I was told early in my journey with MS, is that having one illness does not preclude me from getting others. It’s something I filed in the back of my head somewhere and have only recently discovered how true it is. 

As a woman in her 40’s, I am always on top of my wellness visits with all of my doctors. After all, I am a rule girl. I do my full body check with my dermatologist every year, get an annual physical with my primary care physician, visit my ophthalmologist once a year, see my gynecologist annually, and, of course, I get my mammograms. I have had irregular readings on my mammograms in the past, which have always revealed nothing unusual upon repeat scans. 

So this year, when I was told that they would like to take some further imaging and ultrasound if necessary, I didn’t panic. Why would I? Offering full disclosure here, I have scar tissue from a breast reduction as well as dense breasts, and being called for follow-up mammograms is not unusual under these circumstances. 

This year, unlike past years, I was told that I should see a breast specialist because the mammogram and ultrasound revealed irregularities. I still didn’t panic because I’m so used to visiting doctors and specialists of all sorts, thanks to MS. When the doctor examined me, she didn’t feel anything but she did see what the radiologist had seen on the films from the mammogram as well as on the CD of my ultrasound. When she told me that I needed to have a stereotactic biopsy, I still didn’t panic. She explained that most likely it was nothing, and if it was anything, it was stage zero and very treatable. 

The moment of panic came when I walked in the room for this biopsy, and saw the table that I was going to be lying down on during the procedure. (Think: operating table with a hole in it where I was to lie face down with the appropriate breast in the hole.) To be fair, it wasn’t scary at all, and the doctors and nurses did everything they could to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

After the procedure, I was told that I would hear my results within 4-5 business days. The timing was tight because of the holiday falling smack dab in there. I debated with myself endlessly about whether it would be better to hear before New Year’s Eve, or continue to not know anything until after the holidays. Ultimately the choice was not mine, and I got the call on New Year’s Eve eve. 

With my sister on one side of me and Bruce on the other, I sat and listened to words I never expected to hear: it’s cancer. I promptly scheduled an appointment with the breast specialist for her first available appointment in order to discuss the biopsy findings further and also to come up with the appropriate treatment plan. As of the publishing of this entry, that appointment has not yet happened.

I wear these sneakers proudly, not just in October, but all year round.

It’s a weird feeling to hear this kind of news. Scary, of course, but also relieved that I am a proactive patient and this has been caught early with a very positive prognosis. Still, I feel like I’m somehow living someone else’s life even though I know full well that having MS doesn’t guarantee me immunity from other illnesses. 

One thing I have never done is ask “why me?”, not referring to Multiple Sclerosis, and not in this situation either. The truth is, that I believe in the universe, no matter what it decides to dole out to me. By overcoming obstacles in our path, we are made stronger. When I was diagnosed with MS I never questioned it, and my journey has brought me many gifts and my mission has become more and more clear the longer it has been a part of my life.

The lotus mudra over my head is very significant. The beautiful lotus flower, which gets its start in the dirtiest, muddiest of waters, and emerges with beauty like no other flower.

So here I am, starting the new year, ready to fight another fight. I’m not sure what the universe has in store for me, but I do know that I would not be given anything more than I can handle.  I also know that somewhere along this next part of my journey, my purpose will become apparent just as it always has in the past. 

The lesson for all of us here is the following: sulking, questioning, and negativity are all a waste of our precious energy. Instead, let’s use our energy in productive ways.  I, for one, propose a toast to all of us warriors out there, fighting to overcome whatever physical or emotional obstacles we are faced with. Grab a glass of lemonade (half-full, obviously), and be grateful for your blessings as well as your challenges, because both are a part of living a full and rewarding life. I’m looking ahead at 2017, cancer and all, and I can’t even imagine how much stronger I will be next year at this time. Cheers!

Every single woman who fight or has fought breast cancer is a warrior, and we all have a warrior within us.

Depression

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Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in a place we are not accustomed to. I’m not talking about a physical space, but rather the space which occupies our minds. For this glass-half-full girl, it is very difficult when my mind wanders off the sunny path I usually follow.

This is the usual sunny path I follow.

People with chronic illnesses are definitely more subject to suffering from depression than your average, healthy person, and many of us do take antidepressants to help us manage the weight of it all. But even with medications, there are times when depression can overtake us, and that’s ok. One of my MS sisters told me she “doesn’t live there but she visits on occasion.”  I love this analogy because it makes me feel like it’s ok, especially because I so strongly believe that as human beings, we need to experience the whole range of emotions in order to appreciate everything in our world.

My beautiful, kind, understanding, and loving MS sister, Mary and I always have conversations like the one that inspired this entry.

For me, my frustration has been building since I self-quarantined ahead of our state’s mandate to do so. From March until June, we were also social distancing at home since Bruce was going out to get what we needed, and since I am highly vulnerable, we thought that we couldn’t be too careful. We kept ourselves distanced until halfway through June when I actually left the house to take my twice a year infusion for MS. Although I am generally all for staying home and relaxing, it’s quite different when your vulnerability inhibits your actions and behavior. When it’s not really your choice anymore, things become harder to handle and frustration sets in. With no end in sight and being away from all the people I love, added to the divisiveness of our country and the social injustices brought to the forefront pushed me into the land of depression. I tried to keep it at a minimum by throwing myself into yoga At least twice a day (so thankful for Zoom!) and meditating at least five times a day. It was all I could do to keep my mind off the reality of the unprecedented times that have been enveloping us.

My at-home yoga practice has helped me survive these dark times.

Plus a solid mediation practice too.

Not being able to see my squad during those times was so hard that I feared I’d be visiting the land of depression for way longer than I cared to, and longer than I ever had stayed before. But these times are different than any other ones that any of us have ever lived through in the past, and so I realized  I had to grant myself some grace and allow my heart to feel what it needed to feel. I cried when I wanted to, and laughed occasionally, I also spent time away from social media and the news, finding disconnected activities to do daily. No one can argue that these are some weighty times. Everything seems heavy and we sensitive souls feel like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.

This is my MS family, the leaders of my squad, the ones who REALLY get it.

Trying not to focus on the above, I have always struggled with the relationships In my life that have changed, for reasons I don’t understand but I am working hard to accept. I generally find comfort in my MS sisters, but because we were unable to see each other like we used to it was only recently that we were finally able to spend any quality time together. We saw each other last week (but no hugs) at an outdoor lunch. All of these things together have been adding to the weight I’m carrying that is diametrically opposed to who I am. I mean I cried for six hours the other day, which is so NOT me, especially considering that I often can’t cry even when I want to, thanks to the antidepressants that usually help maintain my emotional stability!

I recognize this place, as I (like my MS sister) do visit occasionally. While I am here, I take note of all of my feelings: the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I can further appreciate all of the amazing things that I am blessed with when I leave. And I always leave, knowing full well that it’s ok to come back to visit, but it just isn’t where I live.

I love my Mary so much, and luckily we both have the same attitude. Visiting the land of depression is natural, but living there would be our downfall.

Retirement

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This week marks seven years since I walked out of my classroom, thinking I would return in 2 weeks, after taking treatment for an exceptionally bad MS relapse. I never imagined that 9/27/2013 would be the last day I’d ever spend at the place that was my home away from home, the place where I spent the majority of my waking hours, the place that built my identity, and the place I loved so much it actually hurt. But those of us with Multiple Sclerosis know that MS does not play by rules, it does not discriminate, and does not go along with plans that you make, regardless of how carefully laid out they might be. 

Two weeks of work neatly assembled for my substitute.

I left in pain, barely able to ambulate on my own, and full of sadness I felt at the thought of leaving my beloved students so early in the school year. I held onto hope that the treatment would work quickly and efficiently so I could get back to what I loved so very much. But like I said, MS is unpredictable, and the treatment that had helped me when I needed it most in the past let me down and had little effect on the storm brewing under the surface where no one could see.

This was the disaster of treatment that i was out for.

Little by little, as I struggled through painful and exhausting physical and occupational therapy, my return to work date kept getting pushed back, and the vast majority of people could not understand that I did not have a firm return date. I wanted a return date more than anyone, and I was so frustrated because I felt like my body was letting me down. I always worked hard to stay physically fit and active, which I leaned on in past relapses, but this one was different. I was working so hard, and not seeing (or feeling) results, sending me spiraling into the deepest depression I have ever known. I felt worthless, lost, and missing a huge part of myself because I did not know who I was if I was not Mrs. Rankin.

This is what I depended on for ambulation when I went out on disability.

The two best things I ever did for myself at that point were enrolling in a twelve-week wellness program for MS patients, and starting with a new therapist who specializes in treating those with chronic illnesses, specifically MS. In the wellness program, I met my MS family, a diverse group, ranging in age and ability, but our connection was instantaneous. I finally felt like I found a piece of me I needed to help build me back to where I was before. And my therapist mostly just listened to my cry every week for months until I finally started to feel better, but knowing I could never continue to do my job.

My 12 week wellness group.

Making the decision to apply for long term disability was one I struggled with and kept putting off thinking I’d magically wake up one day just like my old self, and my students would walk into school with me at my desk at 5:45 am as usual. Sometimes with MS things go as quickly as they come, and I wished with all my might that it would happen for me this time. But no such luck. And at the same time I was feeling a deep sense of loss and grieving the community of long time co-workers who proved to me that out of sight indeed was out of mind. It was the perfect internal storm that made me feel so conflicted.

This was the window to my world: a safe space, a sanctuary for many students, and my home away from home.

But the most amazing thing happened once I started to understand that my plan was not meant to be and that the universe had greater things in mind for me. As other friends left my side, my MS family embraced me, even with my many flaws. They were there for me (along with my many, many former students), as I fought to become strong again, and they supported me years later when I battled breast cancer, and again as I was given another lifelong diagnosis of diabetes. These are my people… my squad. They helped me find my place in the world again even when I thought I’d be lost as always.

Just 2 of my special girls who came to say goodbye as I tearfully cleaned out my classroom at the end of the year.

My plan did not work out as I had thought, but I realize now that it was never meant to be that way. In this new life, I have found a sense of freedom, the ability to fully enjoy the time I spend with loved ones without having work constantly in the back of my mind, and a true appreciation for the ability to give my body what it needs when it needs it. Looking back at where I was seven years ago to where I am now is like night and day, and even though it’s not what I planned I am ever more grateful each and every day. Even during COVID times, I still find new reasons to be grateful every morning when my eyes open to a new day full of possibilities.

Every day is full of new possibilities!

I will always treasure my days in the classroom, but I no longer get sad that I’m not there. I embrace it as a beautiful part of me and my past, and I am proud that I did it as long as MS allowed me the gift of being able to do the job the way the kids deserve for it to be done. This piece of my past is the biggest part of who I am,  and I have zero regrets when I look back.

I loved this pace with every fiber of my being.

Being able to focus on me and my loved ones instead of my students and my school has made my life so much richer, and now I get to enjoy the best of both worlds… I can listen to my body and what it needs, but I also am surrounded by the love of my chosen family: those very special students (now all young adults) who have made it clear to me that they are with me no matter how many years pass, and I feel the same way for each of them. So instead of feeling sad, I feel blessed. It took a minute, but I couldn’t ask for anything more.

This. My MS family.

PS. Shout out to my chocolate sister and best friend for riding this wave with me, even though we no longer work together. She is the one I turn to still… and the gift of her friendship has sustained me for so many years now. ❤️

The one who has been at my side from when we first started working together and who never leaves my side even though I am no longer her “neighbor”. She is my rock, my anchor, and my best friend.

Calm

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Even though I am slowly getting back to some of my regular, pre-covid activities, I am still extra careful as I am considered among the vulnerable. Bru and I went and dined outdoors at our favorite place, I began working out with my personal trainer again, and I’m even going back to my chiropractor this week. While I welcome these activities (with the proper precautions in place of course), my safe place remains our home… the one that we built together over eight years ago.

Reunited with the best trainer ever and it feels so good….

With all the chaos in the world politically, socially, and personally, I have remained dedicated to my daily yoga practice and meditation to calm the waters and keep me at peace. This week I participated in the annual Global Mala with the NJ Yoga Collective in which those who participate move and breathe together through 108 Sun Salutations. This year the Mala was aligned with the UN’s International Day of Peace, with the theme being “Shaping Peace Together”. Although I have participated in 108 Sun Salutations before, having this intention of peace, along with hundreds of other yoga practitioners, it took on a whole new meaning for me.

One of my “disconnected” activities during the pandemic has been my scratch pad, and I made this to get me ready.

As always, various instructors led us through their assigned number of Sun Salutations, each in their own style, and each with their own words of empowerment to spread peace the way it is meant to be. It is for this reason that I love taking classes with all different instructors because I love the language they choose to use, and the way they each talk about the deeper parts of yoga that extend far beyond the physical practice.

Before the practice… feeling fine!

The best thing happened as I moved in sync with everyone else, whether they too were on zoom, or if they ventured out to practice in person (with limited spots and socially distanced, of course), I found myself more at peace (despite my heightened anxiety) than I have been since before I even heard the word COVID.

Nothing else mattered as I moved through each flow, feeling the Prana (breath), or life force work its way through my body and sending out my intention of peace to the entire world. I didn’t think about numbers or counting, or anything except the connection I was having to my own energy and the energy of all those who were moving and breathing with me. This moving meditation is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced, and the most amazing thing was how light I felt afterwards.

One of my favorite instructors took a spot so I had to get a picture “with” her.

For months I’ve been feeling the weight of the world upon my shoulders, just like many other sensitive souls. Taking a break to get rid of the burden, no matter how short-lived is worth every single chaturanga, every single forward fold, every single downward facing dog.

I know that the world is going to be heavy for a while. And although I’m not happy about it, I know that my yoga practice, even if done on my own, can always bring me to that incredibly sweet spot where I can find bliss regardless of how the world is unfolding around me.

AFTER: what an uplifting, powerful, and peaceful experience.

I am so grateful for this practice that allows me time to not feel stressed, not feel anxious, to not panic. This is why I began practicing yoga in the first place. I never thought it would take center stage in my life, but here we are.

Sometimes when times are the most difficult, that’s when you find the most beauty. It’s harder to see, and it takes some practice getting used to it, but I guarantee it is there if you just look hard enough to find it.

As Is

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My small but mighty Rankin family…. constantly lifting me up.

Some things are so hard to explain to others when you have a chronic condition. It seems like no matter how many ways I try to describe what it’s like, it just doesn’t matter, and because others don’t understand it’s all the more frustrating for me, and thus I feel pressure when I shouldn’t.

I have simplified my life because I have had to, not because I wanted to. Things I used to do with no problem have become exponentially harder as the years pass and my condition throws more challenges my way. Gone are the days when I could plan to do anything I wanted: travel to Florida to visit family, zip in and out of the city on the train, spend hours shopping, or even just have firm plans for both days on any given weekend. But alas, those are all parts of my past because I am no longer as capable.

These girls always have my back… my yoga sisters. We connected from the first day we met and I have been so grateful for them every single day since.

People look at me and think I look fine.  But they don’t know how hard everything is for me. When we have firm plans (such as when attending a concert), I know that I need take time to prepare, both mentally and physically. I will limit my activities so that I am well-rested and in the right mindset to completely enjoy what is planned to the best of my ability. Of course, this applies more to pre-COVID times when we used to do more than we are able to do at this moment! It’s not that I don’t want to be social and do things, but everything is so hard. Even things like taking a shower and getting myself to look presentable are difficult for me for so many reasons, not least of which is what I call “painsomnia”, a condition that affects me every single night. I challenge even the healthiest of individuals to live a “normal” life with serious sleep deprivation.

This woman right here is the woman i met the first day I started with my current neurologist 17 years ago. In that time she has gone from someone i called to book appointments to a dear friend and huge part of my life. If anyone who doesn’t have MS understands it, it’s my sweet Riri.

Often times when we have plans, I say that I am a “game day decision” because I never know how I’m going to feel. And if I should happen to miss an event, I am accused of being purposely “absent” because I do attend other events. Unfortunately, MS does not care what things happen on which days, and frankly, MS simply does not play nice! I don’t use it to “get out” of things, but I do realize how it limits me. I know which scenarios are doable for me, and which are not, and nothing hurts more than being interrogated about not attending an event or having loved ones question my intentions. Of course I want to do everything all the time but sadly, my body won’t let me, and when my loved ones don’t understand that, it sends me into a tailspin.

My big sister and constant cheerleader, always looking out for me.

This has not been an easy lesson to learn and I have often struggled with it through the years. I walk a fine line between happily doing the things I can and want to do, and being sad and frustrated because I know that I can’t do certain things that I used to love. Being who I am, I have learned to look at everything in my life through the glass half full lens.

These are just some of former students who remain in my life and have always tried their best to understand and to learn about what MS does to a person. I love them all beyond words.

Simply put, that means that I am grateful to have had so many wonderful experiences even if I can’t still enjoy them. Instead of dwelling on what I can no longer do, I focus on what I can do. I no longer care what anyone else thinks or says about me because I have so many awesome people who accept me exactly as I am now, not least of whom is my partner in crime, Bruce, who has never wavered. Skinny or fat, makeup or none, blonde or pink, mobile or immobile, pajamas or dressed up, it just doesn’t matter.

This guy has been by my side through it all and has never wavered. I owe everything I am to his love and support. PS.This picture was taken on the night I finally got brave enough to dine outdoors.

Now I only surround myself with people like Bruce who never make me feel anything but whole… a human being not defined by my diagnoses but rather by my strength of character, accepting me as is, no questions asked. Never do I have to explain “why” because the people that matter already know the answer, and they love me anyway. I am beyond justifying it or defending myself, and with my peeps I never have to. Even though my inner circle may have gotten smaller through the trials and tribulations of life, it offers me more strength, support, and love than I ever thought possible.

My chocolate sister, and the my best girl.. we are so deeply connected that we often complete each other’s sentences.

Thank you to my inner circle for keeping me whole, grounded, and genuinely happy. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but it doesn’t really matter I guess. I’ll just continue to thank the universe every damn day, not for giving me MS, but for giving me all the gifts (in the form of lessons learned and an extra special MS family) that I have been given as a result.

Here are just a few of my special MS sisters. We are united by the MonSter but our relationships are so much deeper than just that.