Tag Archives: wellness

Vegas

Every year, my husband takes a guys’ trip to Las Vegas. For 13 years, without fail, this has been a ritual for Bruce and his friends. They aren’t really gamblers, but they love the sports book, so going in October allows them to bet on baseball, football, and hockey. Apparently it’s the manly man’s dream.

Back in the day, the wives/girlfriends took the opportunity for some female bonding time, which is equally as fun but definitely more tame. As the years have moved along, fewer guys make the trip, and the girls no longer have “girl time” because they have had kids, moved, or both.

This year in particular, the time leading up to the trip (just a week and a half before they were due to leave) was marred by the brutal events that left the city, and our country in shock and grief. But not going was not an option because as we all know, life must go on regardless of tragic events, because otherwise we let the perpetrators of such disgusting acts of senseless violence win.

Bruce sent me this picture from the makeshift memorial that has been established at the site of the massacre.

While I am happy that Bru takes his annual guy getaway, I hate everything else about him being gone. I realize how lucky I am that he takes care of so much around the house so I don’t have to. In addition to taking care of a house with entirely too many steps, I have the dogs to worry about as well. Bruce and I are a team and he picks up my slack so frequently that I often take it for granted, which is something I am reminded of every time he goes away.

Now as our dogs are aging, they are much more needy, and they require more care. When Bru is home we make a perfect team with how we care for them, but being alone is a whole different world.  In addition to them needing more care, so do I! This year I had a dizzy day, which I haven’t had in quite some time. I woke up and was stumbling all over the place, tripping over my feet, and I felt like the house was spinning around me. While dealing with that, I had to carry dogs inside and out (about 100 times thanks to Marty), pick up food, put down food, move the food while Marty decided where he would like to dine, and administer the medications all while barely being able to even stand up. Then to top it all off, I had to clean up dog vomit… from the dog who has only puked once before in all the time he has been with us. This gave a whole new meaning to the expression “when it rains it pours”.

Special needs dog does not even describe this guy. The amount of care he requires can be overwhelming to say the least.

Luckily I have an emergency medication that is supposed to help me on days like this. I’m not sure it helped as much as it allowed me to doze, which is extremely uncommon for me. I don’t even sleep at night, and napping is something that never happens for me. Luckily, the dogs did allow me some time to rest, and I woke up the next day feeling less dizzy but just exhausted.

It didn’t perform any miracles, but i think it might have helped just a little bit.

Even though it’s taxing, I still support Bru any time he wants to do the guy thing, and I’m pretty sure he’d say the same about me.  The important thing is that we miss each other like crazy while he is away, and it always feels so good to have him home.  And I get a dose of reality about not taking even the seemingly tiniest things for granted because it’s so blatant while I am alone. I’m reminded of what a great team we are, and if nothing else, I know for sure that home just isn’t home without my partner.

Plus, it sure doesn’t hurt when he wins big and brings me extra presents! 🙂

Enough

Recently I was introduced to a book that changed my life. First I listened to the audio version, which is generally what I do. But I found the book so powerful on so many levels that I actually bought it. Now it’s full of notes and highlights because I have read it over and over, and no matter where I open it to, I find something useful. It’s called “I Heart Me (The Science of Self-Love)” by David Hamilton, PhD.

I am enough!

(Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with the publishing or creation of this book, nor do I receive anything for endorsing it!)

Basically, the book explains that self worth is about biology and is in our genes, yet somehow we lose sight of it as we navigate our way through life. We seek validation from others, but our worth is within us when we reprogram our brains to acknowledge it.  In essence, the book helps us understand ourselves, learning to be truly authentic and happy, with the goal being the ability to say “I am enough” and truly mean it.

The phrase “I am enough” has become part of my daily intentions (or mantra). Every single day when I write my intentions in my journal, I start off with that phrase, even if I didn’t mean it when I first started doing it. But part of reprogramming our brains, according to Dr. Hamilton, includes repetition of this phrase because eventually we become fully aware of it and we believe it.

Thinking about what my blog would be this week, my MS sister (who actually introduced me to this book) suggested talking about all the reasons that make me feel that “I am enough” even though people with chronic illnesses often can’t recognize these things in themselves for a multitude of reasons.

For example, many of us don’t work because we are on permanent disability. For someone who identified herself first and foremost as a teacher, when I stopped working it was hard to see that “I am enough” when the thing that most defined me was no longer a part of my life. But my legacy remains and because I am still surrounded by so many young adults who have been a part of my life since they were just teenagers, they remind me that I am enough.

This guy right here is just one of the many former students who remain constants in my life. #blessed

This book also taught me that I don’t need people to like me in order to be enough. I spent so many years putting other people before myself and I thought that doing more for them meant they would like me more, and therefore I would be validated. The truth is that validation comes from within and while I love doing for others, I don’t need to in order to be enough. Narrowing my circle of friends to those who truly love and appreciate me is so much more empowering, and no matter how much or how little I give them, I know that I am enough.

These friends never make me feel like I am not enough. #mssisters

As a perfectionist, I was never happy unless I achieved perfection.  This happened in all aspects of my life. Reading this book made me see that I need not be perfect in order to be enough. I learned that only I could see what I perceived as inadequacies and faults because I was the only one holding the microscope up to myself. As promised in this book, moving forward with self-love made the perfectionism fade. I’m not saying I have overcome it entirely but I’m a whole lot better than I used to be.

Perhaps one of the most important lessons that Dr. Hamilton taught me in this book is that I don’t have to look a certain way or be a certain size in order to be enough. Body image has long been an issue for me, and learning to love my body no matter what size or shape, without shame, comes slowly. I had to learn to think outside the stereotype I felt I needed to live up to, and instead focus on the many things I do to keep myself strong. Opinions are subjective and I might not fit anyone else’s ideal, but I am 100% me. Comparing to anyone but myself resulted in an unhealthy feeling that lead to never feeling I was enough, and I am.

It doesn’t matter what i look like. Whether heavier or thinner, I am loved. Sure, I like being thinner like I am now, but I face a lot of obstacles, and regardless of my size I am enough.

Allowing my vulnerability to show has also given me great strength. There is something very liberating about baring one’s soul, and other people appreciate it even if they can’t quite identify it. Vulnerability includes being honest and authentic with ourselves and others, and only then can a true connection be made. Even though we could get hurt in the process, it’s worth it because we learn that even though we are raw and sometimes flawed, we are still enough.

But by far the most valuable lesson this book taught me is that I need to be as compassionate, forgiving, and understanding with myself as I am with others in my life. We are always quick to comfort others when they feel they have made a mistake, but we don’t offer ourselves the same courtesy. I deserve compassion. I deserve forgiveness. I deserve understanding. I am human, too. And I am enough.

Bru always always assures me that I am enough.

This book was no ordinary book for me. What I learned is that it’s very liberating to go through the process of accepting that I am enough. In every way. If you are ready to learn how to accept yourself as enough, the minutia of daily life that normally makes you feel inferior, no longer weighs you down. The progress I have made has not been easy nor has it come quickly. But every day I am making steps to be the truly happy and authentic me that is just waiting to make her appearance. I am not sure the version of me that first listened to this book would even recognize me now, and I’m not even done yet. In the meantime, I can rest comfortably knowing that I am, indeed, enough.

Depression

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in a place we are not accustomed to. I’m not talking about a physical space, but rather the space which occupies our minds. For this glass-half-full girl, it is very difficult when my mind wanders off the usual sunny path I follow.

Sometimes the inside just doesn’t match the outside.

People with chronic illnesses are definitely more subject to suffering from depression than your average, healthy person, and many of us do take antidepressants to help us manage the weight of it all. But even with medications, there are times when depression can overtake us, and that’s ok. One of my MS sisters told me she “doesn’t live there but she visits on occasion.”  I love this analogy because it makes me feel like it’s ok, especially because I so strongly believe that as human beings, we need to experience the whole range of emotions in order to appreciate everything in our world.

For me, my frustration has been building since I broke my toes. I never thought that two little toes could affect my entire body the way they have. But it’s true. Those two toes have affected my balance and stability, as well as the alignment of my entire body. I am beyond grateful for my trainer and her patience that tempers my disappointment even though she can’t make me heal any more quickly than I am. I am desperate to get back to working out like an athlete, not an MS patient. Anyone who has ever been an athlete can surely relate to this, the feeling of losing despite the hard work being put forth.

My ankle is wrapped in kinesiology tape in hopes that my stability will improve.

This little setback came right on the heels of breast cancer. It seems like I didn’t deal with the emotions of a cancer diagnosis because I just put myself on autopilot to do what I needed to do, the way I always do… with a smile on my face. Now I have completed treatment,  but opted out of the prescribed protocol of endocrine therapy in favor of handling the continued treatment with a naturopathic oncologist. But I feel like I’m hanging in limbo, waiting for someone to either tell me that I am cancer free or that I have a recurrence of cancer. Plus, while I felt loved and supported through my entire cancer journey, now that it’s “over” (for the others in my life, but will never be for me), life goes on for everyone else while I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. And meanwhile, breast cancer precluded me from going on a new Disease Modifying Therapy for MS which I have had my eye on for years as it progressed through clinical trials all the way to approval. This was a huge blow and as I see more patients that are lucky enough to take it, I get more bummed out.

Then there are the relationships that have changed, for reasons I don’t understand but I am working hard to accept. I generally find comfort in my MS sisters but it seems we are all in a bit of a funk and dealing with our own issues so it has been way too long since we have been able to spend any quality time together. All of these things together have been adding to the weight I’m carrying that is diametrically opposed to who I am. I mean I cried for six hours the other day, which is so NOT me, especially considering that I often can’t cry even when I want to, thanks to the antidepressants that usually help maintain my emotional stability!

This little girl knew I was upset and she sat on top of me as I cried.

I recognize this place, as I (like my MS sister) do visit occasionally. While I am here, I take note of all of my feelings: the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I can further appreciate all of the amazing things that I am blessed with when I leave. And I always leave, knowing full well that it’s ok to come back to visit, but it just isn’t where I live.

Vacation

This week, Bruce and I were able to get away to one of our favorite places ever: Burlington, Vermont. When we booked our trip (months ago), we had envisioned jeans and hoodies, beautiful foliage, and the usual excessive beer and decadent food. We had been looking forward to this trip, especially when we learned that it was actually the weekend of Oktoberfest in Burlington. Having friends from high school who live there, it was such an incredible treat to hang out with them, as if no time had passed since we were all together last, probably when we were just 18 years old. It was unseasonably hot and humid, but we enjoyed it just the same, even if we were wearing shorts and t-shirts instead of jeans and hoodies! Also, I did feel a little naughty because I have never taken a vacation in September before because teachers just can’t do that. in place of my usual blog entry, please enjoy some shots of Burlington through the eyes of #TeamRankin.

We love this hotel. The restaurant is great, the bar is great, and the view of Lake Champlain can’t be
beat.

First night: reunion with my girls.

First night sunset… can you blame me for never wanting to leave?

If you find yourself in Burlington, go to the Penny Cluse Cafe and order the ginger bread pancakes.I promise you will not regret it.

On our way to explore Stowe.

Stowe

No foliage but plenty of flowers!

Beer for him. Smuggler’s Notch vodka and soda for me.

Apple berry pie with salted caramel and vanilla ice cream. I said decadent, right?

Sunsets for days!

We might….

Mural that I love with a pan-handler right in the “V”!

Oh… hello there!

Like I said… not much foliage but plenty of wildflowers.

I can never resist a sunflower.

Crazy fun night with Bru and my girls.

Sunset over Lake Champlain.

My friend Peg and I were among the first to go down the hops slide. Its very steep from the top! I am still trying to get the hops out of the shoes I was wearing!

So. Much. Fun.

Sugarbush Resort.

Got my ticket for a bucket list item for me: zip-lining!

That’s me there!

Flowers upon flowers!

Upon flowers.

I am obsessed with this church and I have taken pictures of it from every possible angle!

And of course… no trip to Burlington is complete without a stop at Ben & Jerry’s!

Our last night in Burlington did not disappoint.

After a great vacation, i know it will take me several days to recover, but that’s ok. It was worth every second, and it is a trade-off I am willing to make because otherwise I would never leave the house. Even though travel has changed for me and Bruce, we still do it, with accommodations, just like everything else in my life. It’s not such a bad thing. After all, my glass of lemonade is still (and always will be) half full.

Gratitude

This week, my MS sisters and I were honored to participate in a video project intended to be shown at a very prestigious annual fundraiser for the MS Center where we are patients. Then to add to my excitement, I was asked to give a speech to the crowd, right after Daniel Rodriguez, the singing police officer who performed the national anthem on almost every major event here in the tri-state area in the wake of 9/11. The whole campus of the hospital is transformed into an elegant venue, as it becomes “an evening in the vineyard”, the biggest fundraiser of the year for our MS Center. Tickets are not cheap, so just being there is an honor in itself.

His voice blew me away!

For me, I am in my element when I am in front of an audience, using my skills honed through years of teaching, educating others. I love being able to share my personal struggles with others so that they can see that everyone struggles in so many different ways. I like seeing light bulbs go on in people’s minds as they make connections that they wouldn’t have made without having me standing in front of them as a visual. I like being able to speak on behalf of so many, especially when the audience is receptive (something I didn’t experience very often as a teacher!).

I’m very comfortable at the podium.

Remembering how despondent I was when I tearfully resigned my teaching position, makes me extra happy to be able to speak at events like this one. I have often been told that I’ll always be a teacher, except now the world is my classroom and my students are not held to the confines of a high school setting.

On the video screen at the entrance to the event.

Throughout the night, I had perfect strangers coming up to me and thanking me for talking to them, and telling me how inspired they were. They were the ones opening up their wallets to support the cause, yet they were quick to tell me how much they enjoyed listening to what I had to say. And all I could do was thank them right back, not only for their compliments but also for their generosity. I witnessed the kindness of strangers in the form of more handshakes and hugs than I could even begin to count. It’s nights like that when I am reminded of how positivity is contagious, and I love that. There was no pity or sadness, but rather celebration of good people doing good things for a community that desperately needs it. My heart literally could have burst out of my chest with gratitude.

My sisters.

As for me, I enjoyed a beautiful night filled with good food, good wine (and beer), and amazingly generous people. Plus I spent it with my MS sisters and my partner in crime, who rearranged his work schedule to be my date. At one point during the evening, I looked around just to take it all in so that I could lock it away in my memory for safe-keeping. At the end of the night I should have been exhausted but instead I found myself invigorated. I’m pretty sure that’s what people mean when they talk about being “high on life”.

All four one. Taken from our video.

With all that I have been through in 2017 with my breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment, this night was exactly what I needed to kick-start a happier, healthier ending to what might have been the most difficult year I have ever had. No medication or treatment plan could have left me feeling better than I did when I left this event. I am so glad that I stopped to really feel the love because the memory will sustain me for longer than you could even imagine.

Just a sampling of the goodies. (photo credit: Carla)

(Also, sending a big shout out to my former student who served me some awesome craft beers. Thanks, John!)

As Is

Some things are so hard to explain to others when you have a chronic condition. It seems like no matter how many ways I try to describe what it’s like, it just doesn’t matter, and because others don’t understand it’s all the more frustrating for me, and thus I feel pressure when I shouldn’t.

I couldn’t ask for a better big sister and bro-in-law.

I have simplified my life because I have had to, not because I wanted to. Things I used to do with no problem have become exponentially harder as the years pass and my condition throws more challenges my way. Gone are the days when I could plan to do anything I wanted: travel to Florida to visit family, zip in and out of the city on the train, spend hours shopping, or even just have firm plans for both days on any given weekend. But alas, those are all parts of my past because I am no longer as capable.

My beautiful MS sisters showing their support by wearing my warrior shirt.

People look at me and think I look fine.  But they don’t know how hard everything is for me. When we have firm plans (such as this week when we are attending a concert), I know that I need take time to prepare, both mentally and physically. I will limit my activities so that I am well-rested and in the right mindset to completely enjoy what is planned to the best of my ability. It’s not that I don’t want to be social and do things, but everything is so hard. Even things like taking a shower and getting myself to look presentable are difficult for me for so many reasons, not least of which is what I call “painsomnia”, a condition that affects me every single night. I challenge even the healthiest of individuals to live a “normal” life with serious sleep deprivation.

This girl gets me on a level that most of my friends can even begin to understand. Notice she is wearing my warrior shirt? Love her.

Often times when we have plans, I say that I am a “game day decision” because I never know how I’m going to feel. And if I should happen to miss an event, I am accused of being purposely “absent” because I do attend other events. Unfortunately, MS does not care what things happen on which days, and frankly, MS simply does not play nice! I don’t use it to “get out” of things, but I do realize how it limits me. I know which scenarios are doable for me, and which are not.

This guy showed up when others ran away.He is my brother from another mother and I am so grateful for his friendship.

This has not been an easy lesson to learn and I have often struggled with it through the years. I walk a fine line between happily doing the things I can and want to do, and being sad and frustrated because I know that I can’t do certain things that I used to love. Being who I am, I have learned to look at everything in my life through the glass half full lens.

Sisters from other misters.

Simply put, that means that I am grateful to have had so many wonderful experiences even if I can’t still enjoy them. Instead of dwelling on what I can no longer do, I focus on what I can do. I no longer care what anyone else thinks or says about me because I have so many awesome people who accept me exactly as I am now, not least of whom is my partner in crime, Bruce, who has never wavered. Skinny or fat, makeup or none, blonde or pink, mobile or immobile, it just doesn’t matter.

The. Best. Ever.

Now I only surround myself with people like Bruce who never make me feel anything but whole… a human being not defined by my diagnoses but rather by my character. Never do I have to explain “why” because the people that matter already know the answer, and they love me anyway. I am beyond justifying it or defending myself, and with my peeps I never have to. Even though my inner circle may have gotten smaller through the trials and tribulations of life, it offers me more strength, support, and love than I ever thought possible.

Never any shortage of laughter (or love) with my guy…

Thank you to my inner circle for keeping me whole, grounded, and genuinely happy. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but it doesn’t really matter I guess. I’ll just continue to thank the universe every damn day, not for giving me MS, but for giving me all the gifts (in the form of lessons learned and an extra special MS family) that I have been given as a result.

Transformation

It’s that time of year again… the summer is drawing to a close, with everyone taking their last trips down the shore, enjoying the joys that summer always brings, while preparing excitedly for a brand new school year.

At this time every year, I like to reflect upon how insanely different my life (and my attitude) is since MS made the decision for me to retire on disability in May, 2014, after already being on sick leave for all but the first four weeks of the school year.

Back then, I couldn’t imagine my life without the career that had defined me in so many ways, and that I was so passionate about. I considered myself beyond lucky to have a job that I loved, because so many people are not as fortunate. People often told me that I was one of the few people they knew who actually liked her job. And I did. Every damn second of it.

Now that I am a few years removed from the feeling of such a devastating loss for me, I have clarity that I didn’t have before, and gratitude for everything, including the painful, emotional, difficult situation that started me on this part of my journey. I never dreamed that I could ever be in this beautiful place that I currently find myself in, happier than ever, which I could not have imagined when I was still working.

The other day, a Staples commercial came on TV advertising their usual 10 cent sale, and I was brought back to the days when I used to have lists of which retail establishment had things on sale that I needed for my classroom so that I could stock up for the year. I used to get so excited about these things, and now it hardly even phases me. I love that because it shows how much I have grown during the last couple of years.

I’m not saying that I got here without my share of growing pains, but I am saying that I understand it’s all a part of the process. Once I opened myself up to the possibilities of creating a new life, it changed my perception of everything I knew.

What I know now is that regardless of how much I loved my students (and still do!), my own family always needs to come first. I often lost sight of that as a teacher, but I don’t regret it because now I have all of these amazing young adults who make up such a big part of my life, and I love that. I love watching them venture out on their own, doing the adult thing, and spreading their wings to soar.

I also know that taking care of myself is vitally important. When I was working, I overlooked my own wellness in favor of my job and my students. Again, I don’t regret it because of the amount of love and gratitude they gave back to me (and still do), but I know that I am of no good use to anyone if I am not staying on top of my own health and wellness. This includes all the things I have incorporated into my post-teacher life: meditation, yoga, hardcore exercise, acupuncture, reiki, and healthy eating, all of which force me to put myself above all others so that I can stay strong for the long haul.

I remember the days when the weekends meant nothing more than time to grade, write lesson plans, and create dynamic presentations for my classes, leaving no time to actually enjoy spending time being fully present with my loved ones. Once again, I have no regrets about how I lived my career because it’s what the kids deserved and I don’t know how to do it any other way.

But now… now life is better than I ever thought possible. My circle of friends has changed, but in a good way because I am surrounded by other people who take nothing for granted and never waste an opportunity to laugh and smile because we are grateful for the life we are living, regardless of whether we chose it or not. I am more in love with my husband than ever because we have been given this incredible gift of time together. Hell, we even booked a vacation in September, something we have never, EVER done before. Some small part of me still feels like a rebel for doing it, but no matter how much time passes, I guess old habits do, indeed, die hard. But lucky for me, I have worked very hard to help these old habits go by the wayside.

The transformation from Mrs. Rankin to Rennie has not been an easy one, but it is ongoing and I’m getting better at it all the time. I have been transforming my entire world: physically, mentally, and spiritually for the last few years, and my progress has been slow but steady, and that’s ok. I know that as human beings, one of our biggest challenges is having the ability to change according to our life circumstances, good or bad. I’m not going to lie and say that the process has been an easy one, or that I don’t have my moments of weakness, but it does get easier with time and with the determination to live my very best life possible. Rather than crying about the fact that I am not going back to work this week, I am happily wishing my former colleagues the very best of luck as they begin the new school year. Life is, after all, what we make of it, and I am making mine everything I want it to be. So who wants to join me in a glass half full of lemonade?

The sunrise over the Raritan River by Rutgers University, a very symbolic photo at a place that will always hold an extra special place in my heart.

Relative

I hate it when people say to me that they feel bad complaining about things to me because “I deal with so much”. On the one hand it is kind of sweet of them to say that, but on the other hand, I’m still a human being and friend, and my problems don’t preclude me from being able to listen to others and offer my advice.

The truth of the matter is that everything, EVERYTHING is relative. I understand that on the surface people might think that their issues are unimportant but, as I always say, the only person you can compare yourself to is you. And that goes for every aspect of life. When one of my MS friends tells me that her knee actually started bending (after lots of hard work) when it hadn’t bent like that in years, I get so excited because relative to her past, it is huge. She may as well have run a marathon, as far as I’m concerned. I never compare anyone to me, nor do I compare myself to others. It’s all about personal progress, and the same goes for personal hardships.

I realize I have had my share of personal hardships, but I don’t look at things that way. I am of the mindset that my lot in life is exactly that: mine. It’s unfair to compare myself to anyone else, and if I did I would be a completely different person than I am today.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t look at other people and compare them to me, questioning why I have been dealt the hand I have while others have a seemingly “better” hand. Problems are problems, and like assholes, we all have them. Mine are no more important than anyone else’s, and in fact I’d venture to say that mine are easier because I’ve had to deal with so many through the years, and I have gotten pretty good at handling them in my usual glass-half-full way.

So it’s not like I’m saying I want more obstacles to overcome, but I never thought I’d appreciate them the way I do, because each one makes me a better version of me. The strength I’ve derived from all I’ve been through makes me a kinder, more sensitive, more understanding human being, and overcoming the bumps along the way is perhaps the most empowering feeling I have ever had.

The challenging parts of life are not easy, but the way we respond to them molds us into who we are. It’s unfortunate that so many people can’t see the beauty that awaits when you overcome those difficult times because it is powerful and we all deserve to experience that feeling. Plus giving up, for me, is simply not an option. We get to choose our fate (in a way) by how we handle our life circumstances. Why would anyone not choose empowerment over the alternative?

Lucky to have this guy who supports me through it all, which makes everything just a little easier.

Disability

I hate it when people get the wrong idea about people on disability. I mean, I know there are dishonest people in the world who try to take advantage of social programs, but my friends and I do not fall into that category.

As a teacher, I was considered a state worker, and therefore not eligible for state-funded disability programs. I have no idea why, and it makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I contributed to it through my paycheck yet I could not collect from that fund. Instead, I could only collect disability through a private insurance company, with premiums (that increased every single year and even doubled when I turned 40 years old) deducted from my paycheck. There is nothing like working your tail off and bringing home less money year after year despite being at the top of the salary guide, with a Masters Degree, and longevity in the district.

As much as I cursed it every time I saw my paycheck, I was grateful for it because although it was not the same as my paycheck, it would allow me to at least pay my bills if ever I found myself unable to work, and that was the thought that I carried with me to justify it. But the first time I needed it, I called to report my disability, and was appalled to say the least. I explained to the desk monkey (sorry if this offends anyone but what follows will make you feel the same way I’m sure) that I was having an MS exacerbation. The questions that followed: How long will you be out? Are you having surgery? Did you have a baby? How can you not know how long you are going to be out? My answer: Ummmmm because I have Multiple Sclerosis. Clearly there was nothing in the list of scripted maladies that the desk monkey could equate my situation with, and he knew nothing (and I mean absolutely nothing) about MS. Not feeling well and talking to a bunch of idiots is not an easy thing to do while trying to maintain my composure. I ended up staying on disability for the first half of the school year, and I even self-paid the premiums while I was not collecting a paycheck.

Seriously. Handwriting all this with a tremor is stressful and overwhelming, to say the least.

Yet I still couldn’t complain because as much work as it was for me to get these people to understand how unpredictable MS is, I was able to pay my bills (with the help of my husband) while I was trying to rehabilitate during my absence from school. I happily returned to school, glad that I was strong enough to get there, and thinking I would never need to file another disability claim for the rest of my career. That’s me, the girl with her glass half full, thinking she was exempt from the course of MS progression, but the sad truth is that very few people have benign MS that never relapses, and I’m not one of them.

Fast forward to the year 2013. I found myself in a worse position than the time I was out on disability six or seven years prior. This time I filed my claim, pretty much without incident, and I was assigned a claims manager who still works with me to this day. He understands my situation, and is very kind, always starting out our conversations asking me how I have been feeling. He understands (I think) that I am not going to get better, and considering that I am recognized as disabled both by the state of NJ and the federal government, things are slightly easier. Yet every year… every SINGLE year, I am required to fill out an extensive packet documenting my “activities of daily living”. This might seem a small task but for someone with MS, it is overwhelming to say the least. It contains about 10-12 pages, that must be handwritten, which is not easy with a hand tremor that reduces my ability to write. When I see the envelope come in the mail, I cringe and panic, and I wonder when they will understand that MS does not get better. It progresses, even in small ways, but those small ways can be very difficult to manage despite the fact that I am not working.

This is me, every year…. hardly able to crawl out from under the massive pile of paperwork required to document the fact that I still have MS.

If my experience with my private disability plan is any indication, we have made some progress as far as awareness goes, but we still have an incredibly long way to go. Multiple Sclerosis is exacerbated by stress, and the constant submittal of the same paperwork does not help. I would love to see in my lifetime a day when people understand that MS limits my ability to complete even the most mundane of daily activities, and that having to justify myself all the time is no longer necessary.I mean, receiving the same packet every year is the same as asking me if I still have MS and if so, how much longer will I have it. I wish I didn’t “still” have Multiple Sclerosis, but unfortunately I will likely spend the rest of my life with it, and I am ok with that.  It would save us all a lot of paper, time, and energy (not to mention stress on my part)  if they would just get a clue already!

Forever Friend

I have always been of the mindset that I don’t need oodles and oodles of friends. I just need a few loyal friends with whom I have a deep connection. Some have come and gone through the years, as life happens. And it isn’t the quantity of friends that I hold dear, but the quality. Through all the ups and downs of life, I am blessed to have a very special “forever friend”, a name she coined for us back in the 1990’s.

Us… circa 1993

Meg and I went to high school together, but that was just the beginning of our friendship. We also worked together and we spent most of our waking hours together. We spent many hours driving around in her car (usually), car dancing, smoking cigarettes, or just hanging out. Beverly Hills 90210 was a given that we would watch together, and some of my most vivid memories center around those times. Of course, we got into our fair share of trouble together, but we were young and we were not tethered to much more than each other.

With my beautiful “niece”, Peyton.

We connected on so many levels, not the least of which was our shared socioeconomic background and the roles that our parents played at various times through the years. It seemed that no matter what I was going through, she could relate due to her experiences, and vice versa. Sometimes there were little gaps of time when we were both too busy adulting that we didn’t see each other as often, but when we did, we always fell right back into sync like no time had passed at all.

We survived our hormonal teens together, our crazy college years, and even the brutal years of trying to start our lives as adults. We have been there for each other through multiple divorces (in our respective families) and the inevitable drama that ensued, our family homes being sold, moves out on our own, medical issues, and about a gazillion other things. No matter where I am in my life I know that I have my forever friend who has loved me longer and supported me harder than just about anyone else in my life.

Even though life happens and we live farther away from each other than I would like, we still try to get together as often as possible. I absolutely love the way we have grown together even while not living 10 minutes from each other like back in the day. For example, we are both very fitness minded, and Meg has recently become involved in Spartan races. I find it more than coincidental that competing in a Spartan Sprint has been a goal of mine for quite some time, as a way of acknowledging my 15th MS diagnosiversary next year. I discovered that there is a race on the exact day (June 2, 2018), and when I mentioned it to Meg, without hesitation she signed up right along with me. And even though she will have already completed the “trifecta” by then (a sprint, a super, and a beast all in the same year), she is still willing to dial it back as I compete in my first. What’s more, she said it will be her best race ever. I can’t think of a more perfect way to acknowledge this date than with my lifetime friend who knew me before MS, before spinal fusion surgery, and before breast cancer, and who has been by my side through it all.

Proof. We are doing it together.

Megan is loving and kind, thoughtful and compassionate, selfless and sweet. I could never ask the universe for more in a person who I have leaned on so heavily for the better part of the last 30 years. She can still read me like a book, without even seeing my face, and friendships like ours don’t come along very often. In fact many people live an entire lifetime and never get to experience what it’s like to have someone like Meg to call their forever friend.

I remember vividly a session with my therapist long ago, when I first stopped working and was feeling abandoned by so many people. She told me that day that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. With Meg, there has never been a question as to where she fits for me, because she is the only person in my life who actually defies that saying. Megan came into my life for a reason, has endured the seasons with me, and will remain in my heart and soul for the rest of our lives.


(P.S. I know Meg is happy as can be right now because I have not included any incriminating photos and that we were young and free before the digital age!)