Over the years, I’ve been asked a lot how exactly I’m able to handle everything that comes with Ren’s MS. Now as we’ve moved into middle-age, and breast cancer has been added to her plate, the frequency in which I hear this from someone has increased almost exponentially. Usually, my response revolves around how I just keep my head up and continue moving forward, but that doesn’t begin to adequately explain what it is to be a care partner and to struggle through everything that Ren has to put up with from day to day. And as I’ve written here before, our relationship is such that whatever one of us goes through, we go through together. So while I’m not personally suffering with the debilitating nature of MS, or struggling through radiation treatments, I’m as close to it as anyone possibly can be. As a result of all that we’ve gone through, our relationship has strengthened and brought us to a place I didn’t think was possible. It’s a place (as Ren mentioned in her entry last week), that most couples just don’t find themselves in. Thankfully, that is not us at all.
When considering exactly what it is that keeps me going through it all, it ultimately comes down to one thing: I love Ren. I don’t just love her, but I’m in love with her. And I pretty much have been in love with her since we met as 18 year olds at Rutgers University…I just was too young and stupid to completely grasp it at the time. What started as a simple crush grew and grew into this overwhelming need to have her in my life all the time, and after several years I was lucky enough to finally have that happen. Of course, as the saying goes, you have to be careful what you wish for, because once you have it it’s not always what you thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, because Ren has always made me incredibly happy, but once we were together I had a very hard time dealing with it. In our early years, I often would put her second (or third or fourth) behind my friends, and certainly could be accused of taking her for granted. Being such good friends with her before we became romantically involved made things easier for us than most new couples, but for me they might have made them too easy as I ended up treating her too much like my buddy Rennie instead of my girlfriend Rennie. Add to this my tendency to reject romance completely (Ren once stated that a rock on the ground was more romantic than I was), and think of marriage as an unnecessary business arrangement, and you can see how there were many times when Ren didn’t always believe that I was as devoted to our relationship as I insisted (and knew) I was. And as our friends started to get engaged and married, my resolve to ever be the contrarian got stronger and stronger. Basically, I was a jerk.
When Ren and I finally did decide to get married, as she’s described here, we went with a very low-key approach. This was done for several reasons (more than one of which was my reluctance to look like a hopeless romantic in front of my family and friends), but the most important of those reasons was that we just didn’t have the money for a big wedding, and neither of us thought it responsible behavior to go into mounds of debt for one day…even if it was our wedding day. I know at the time Ren would have liked a “real” wedding, but as she has often said, she’d marry me with a piece of string tied around her finger. In the end, she was just happy that I was finally committing to her in the way that she’d always dreamed I would.
The first couple of years of our marriage were rocky, and there were doubts at times about how long it might last, but we were finally coming out of the woods as we approached our third anniversary. Then Ren was diagnosed with MS, and our world was turned upside down. Suddenly, our issues (which in retrospect were stupid little things) meant nothing, and it was all about getting a handle on things and ensuring that she was receiving the best care she could. And as I wrote about here on the blog, my attitude suddenly began to change. Even though it might not look that way, I’d always been devoted to Ren, but a metamorphosis was starting. Slowly, my attitude began to change. I no longer took her for granted, and I found myself wanting to be more romantic and spend more time with her, and just her. I also found myself thinking about finally giving her what I should have given her years before: a real engagement. It was an idea that gestated for the better part of ten years, and which did result in a renewal of our vows for our tenth wedding anniversary in 2010. But I knew that wasn’t enough. I had to do more.
Eventually, as my career began to pick up steam, and I was finally earning a substantial enough salary (or so I thought) to be able to give Ren what she deserved, I set the plan in motion. In the fall of 2015, I realized it was time to move ahead with things, and began looking at engagement rings. Yes, we’d been engaged before, but not in any true sense, as we’d mutually agreed it was time to get hitched. There was no dropping to one knee, and certainly no romance. Young Bruce simply would not have that. I badly wanted to right that wrong, so I went out and bought an actual engagement ring, and on the campus we’d met on so many years ago, I retroactively popped the question. Thankfully, she said yes (phew!).
On what was one of the happiest days of her life, I finally realized how important it was to have done this for Ren. She was ecstatic. And with everything we’d been through over the years, it was inspiring to see. For that one night, Ren finally felt like the princess she should have always been, or at least like the princess I should have made her feel like when we were younger. After all, she’s simply been the most important person in my life for more than half of it…a life that she completely changed by just being a part of it.
In the months following my “retroactive proposal”, our relationship went through a RENnassaince (pun completely intended), and we realized that we were even more in love than we’d ever been. During this time the idea of actually having a real wedding on our 20th wedding anniversary came up, and when I looked ahead at the calendar and saw that it fell on a Friday I just knew we had to do it. So this past summer we booked a venue, and have started to look into all of the other details needed to plan the big day. And now we can afford to do it exactly the way we want to, and we’re old and wise enough to know exactly what we want.
But in the end, this whole thing is really about Rennie. She’s the most incredible person I’ve ever known for so many reasons, even though I too often spent some time early in our relationship taking her for granted. While I still beat myself up for my behavior back then, I know that it was short-lived, and that I’ve spent much more of our time together appreciating her for the person that she is. And I get better at it all the time. Regardless of what obstacles MS or cancer puts in our path, I know that not many guys get to date their crush, much less marry them. And on April 17th, 2020, I’ll get to marry her all over again.